What might have been vs What could be

[tritone]

I had a brief little moment on the subway platform yesterday. I was thinking to myself about what things might have been.

I thought to myself about supposed greatness I could have achieved in my life - as anything other than what I am. I thought to myself that I have the intellect and talent to have been anything I wanted to be - the supposition being that had I not grown up the way I grew up or faced the obstacles I faced in my life that my potential was limitless.

Simultaneously, I continued to entertain the ever present feeling that my life is over at 40 and the best I can do is attempt to live it out with some degree of comfort and peace.

Then I noticed the opposition between these two ideas - one of surety that I could have done better; and the other of complete doubt of my abilities to shape things to come.

How could one be so sure of what might have been yet so unsure of what could be?

I've found it incredibly awkward trying to express this feeling...

[mags]

Dear Tritone,

Good to see you! You may have found it awkward to express yourself, but I have to say that I totally identify with those thoughts and feelings. I've gone around and around with this. What could have been...so many possibilities for a bright future...snuffed out. Well, that's what I thought for so long. It's so hard to let go of "what was" and "what could have been". I'm sorta at a point now where therapy is helping me a lot with this stuff. I know I have a long and hard journey ahead of me, but I am determined to stop thinking of myself as "damaged goods", and that I still have a bright future. It's just taken me longer to get to this point than most people. I've determined that it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there. It's not a race, and as corny as it sounds...life is a journey, not a destination. As long as we are alive, there is always room to better ourselves, and that goes for every person. You don't have to do XYZ by the time you are 40, just keep plugging along. Even tiny steps towards healing add up over time.

{{{HUGS}}}

[waves]

Originally Posted by tritone

...my life is over at 40 and the best I can do is attempt to live it out with some degree of comfort and peace.

39 and i know what you mean. i'm depressed bad with no job in 3 years + so i am terrified of what could be.

Then I noticed the opposition between these two ideas - one of surety that I could have done better; and the other of complete doubt of my abilities to shape things to come.

How could one be so sure of what might have been yet so unsure of what could be?

Me, when I think of my own what might have been i think it is by comparison to others' "success." We don't have to keep up, like Mags says, but we are bred that way. Perhaps, our convictions (even nostalgia) for what might have been go right along with your observation - the juxtaposition helps remind us of our worth, regardless of others? Perhaps we need this to balance off our uncertainty of what could be... our fears after all our disappointments?

On a different line....

Several years ago I was making similar reflections to a colleague... he stopped me in my tracks when i got to "I could/should have got xyz degree if only..." and he said, and if you had gone down that path, a car might have run you over on the way to taking a particular class on a particular day, whereas instead, here you are. In other words, not taking that path with its "lost" opportunities may have saved my life.

I had a brief little moment on the subway platform yesterday. I was thinking to myself about what things might have been.

excusing my frivolity, i cannot help but note that subway platforms seem to have this power to induce existential thought. at least, it happens to me. but when i get existential in the subway... ummm ......

In general... how are you? really?

~ waves ~ happy to see you back. do please post more.

[jd3]

To use an Eastern concept: We only have the "NOW"! Granted where we are depends on the past, but so what? I am considerably older than you. People ask me if I am trying to become another Co. Saunders, Why not or a Grandma Moses!

Hang in there

[tritone]

hi mags, hi waves its nice to see you again! i lurk from time to time and totally lost touch after the big server crash. its taken me a while to come around and post anything.

I think what I was thinking was in a sort of, kind of, positive vein - as in we can be so stubbornly attached to what we think should have been, yet we rarely are as stubornly attached to what we could acheive (starting with the here and now JD).

Waves, I was actually on the unit once with a guy from the UK who lost a leg getting a little too existential in the subway. I always think of that guy and it sobers me right up.

I was going to add an update on everything here, but I think I'll make a new post because it is a fair amount of news.

Cheers,

Me