Can Anyone Relate To This Problem

[BrokenBladder]

My DH is a wonderful man BUT it's hard for him to understand all of my limitations. He says he knows how bad I feel, but his actions just don't show me that. Don't get me wrong, he's wonderful. He works full time and is very attentive to me, but when it comes to his share of household duties he just dosen't get it done. I have a hard time doing most everything. The laundry is overflowing, the house needs a good cleaning, but I just can't do it. I have talked to him about it and he always says don't worry honey I'll help, but guess what, things just keep piling up. I feel bad because I know he's tired but how do I deal with it? Depression sets in because I hate to live like this and yet I can't do it. Then the depression turns into anger and obviously that gets us no where. He's not the type of man to take critisism(spelling??)well. This is my second marriage as my first husband dumped me after 21 years when I got sick. Now I'm scared and frustrated. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[juniee]

You are most certainly not alone....I could have written most of it!I just do what I can and try not to worry about the rest!

[Tbackpain1]

Yeah, I can relate to this too. Hubs and I have talked about this over and over. I finally got so frustrated that I grabbed the dry-erase board and wrote down each and every single task, instead of just "clean the bathroom" or do laundry. Once he saw exactly how much stuff there was to do around the house, we set it up in a chart, so that you can mark it off once its done.

Now, I'm not saying my house is immaculate by any stretch of the imagination, but there's alot less clutter around, and its generally clean, now that he's been better about doing his part. We have a cleaning service come in twice a year, with a crew of 4 to do the entire house, super detailed cleaning. It takes the stress off of me, and I don't end up laid up for a couple of weeks because I got a bug up my butt about the house needing a good cleaning.

My counselor was the one who suggested that I actually show him how much there was to do. When the partner doesn't see the work, just the results, they don't always realize all of the steps involved in just cleaning one room, let alone the whole house. I was getting sooo stressed and anxious because I couldn't keep house the way I used to, but in reality, my hubs was completely oblivious to the dust bunnies, and over-flowing sink full of dishes.

There are a couple of chores that are solely his responsibility, because they're completely beyond my ability...taking out the garbage, loading/unloading the dishwasher, groceries, scrubbing the tub/shower, and vacuming (even the lightweight one is too heavy).

It took both of us for the house to get messy, so it's only fair that both of us clean it up.

Theresa

[BrokenBladder]

Thanks so much for letting me know that I'm not alone. Having a list that actually shows everything is a great idea, thanks Theresa.
It just makes me crazy not being able to do the things I use to and the more everything is "let" go the worse it gets so catching up seems impossible. My DH is very good about cooking, Thank God, but the mess he leaves behind stuns me.

[Boopers]

Hi Lisa,

I truly am sorry your DH doesn't help you enough. I wish he were like my DH. I am so blessed. Mine does everything that I ask him to do without and gripes or resentments. I am so proud of him.
Have you tried sitting down with your DH and talking to him, letting him know how important it is to you that he helps out more? Mine always tells me to tell him what I want done as he says he doesn't know unless I tell him. Even though to me, he should know by now but in his mind, he figures everythings OK unless I tell him.
Anyways, I wish you good luck.
Take care,
Linda

[Linda25]

This is a very tough problem and can be the cause of extra stress and depression

my ex wasn't very good about cleaning, but we had enough money at the time that we could hire a house cleaner a couple times per month and that was a major help, though the house was still pretty grungy at times - he didn't seem to "notice"

my new hubby now is MUCH better and much neater and aware than I am - his enthusiasm helps me to do more (also it's more rewarding when you don't have to start from the VERY beginning EVERY single time you start cleaning) Good thing because there is no way we could afford outside help now.

I've had to struggle with my own tendency to clutter, but if I can keep that down, everything works better.

I like the techniques of writing down ALL of the tasks, even though they may seem sort of insignificant - when you aren't feeling well - you have to conserve all of your energy and every tiny bit of help is precious.

if at all possible, hiring outside help can be a real blessing

good luck

Linda

[Tbackpain1]

I know it might seem like alot of work to write each single task down, but for us, it seems to be working. To my hubs, cleaning the bathroom consisted of wiping the counter and throwing some toilet cleaner in the bowl. Now my cleaning of the bathroom included wiping counter, faucets, sink, windex mirror, scrub toilet bowl, scrub tub & shower surround, and mop the floor. See the difference? I guess my hubs just thought the magical house fairies came and did all of the other stuff, LOL!

Seriously, he just didn't get it, and would get upset when I'd complain about how bad I hurt after doing "one thing" all day...yes, it would take me a whole day, with alot of breaks, just to clean one room. But, that room would be spotless, dustless, and immaculate....the rest of the house would look like a hurricane went thru it, but I had one room clean...it would go round and round, one room after the other, and then I would feel like I acomplished absolutely nothing, since there was always mess and clutter elsewhere.

Once he had a concrete understanding of what exactly went into all that housework, then it was a whole different hubby. He grew up in a house where "mom" was stay at home and made sure the house was immaculate, dinner on the table, and laundry was always folded and away. He just never realized how many steps it took to get the house that way. I understood that when I married him that he was far from a neat freak like myself, but he'd gotten very lazy about picking up after himself. Which would send me thru the roof with stress...and that led to its own viscious cycle of stress, anger, anxiety and depression.

So, while it may seem a real chore to write each step out, it can't hurt if you're getting flack from you partner about the condition of your home. Getting help to come in a couple of times a year has been a huge burden off my shoulders, but I know its not always possible for everyone. At least if your partner understands just exactly what it takes, then there's no blank looks and "I don't know"s and they have to own up to the fact they've not been doing their part.

Theresa

[sallyb]

Theresa, your post was a very good one. Once upon a time, I had a husband who made out his own "Honey-do" list. Now it is just "me, myself, and I"...living alone. Yes...a nasty house is very depressing, and I cannot afford to hire the extra help. But, the list is a good idea. When I feel like I can do something, if I just funnel my vision in on the top chore, it is not so overwhelming. If that chore alone is too much, I stop when I can't go any further, don't scratch it out, and finish it the next time if I can...then scratch it out. When I can scratch off a line, it makes the rest more bearable...knowing it will get done...one at a time...might take all month...but accomplished.

[BlueLakeBlue]

. . . my problem is just the opposite. I have to keep an eye on hubby and watch what he is doing. I know his limits, but he knows no limits. When I see him doing something that I know will cause him to hurt, I try and help him out. Their are some things that I can't help him with, so I'm reminding him that he should not be doing that its going to hurt you. He basicly ignores me and keeps on doing what what he is doing. I can usually distract him with food, LOL. The day after he usually is not good to do anything b/c he hurts!

I guess, he does these things b/c he feels no one else can do them, which is true. But, he does allot of stuff that dosen't need to be did. It must be a male thing, I will keep checking on him and helping when I can.

He did tell me that he could not rake the leaves this year, but he could pick them up and put them in the bag for me. It took us longer this year, but we did get the yard to look half way decent.

How do you get someone to stop when you know its going to hurt them? I worry about him all the time . . . .

~Blue~