Calling an emergency IEP, already....*sigh*

[milivica]

Where do I begin...there are several issues going on, I'm just going to copy my last letter to school, after they wrote me letting me know Vince is behaving oddly/badly at school which began after they started a 'no hug' policy with him, and told me it was ok with him....

Well, Vincent hates the high five idea, and perseverated about it to me all night. It's not ok with him, when is rejected, he may not talk about it. But, as is evident from yesterday's behavior at school, this 'No Hug Policy' effects other areas of his studies and behavior at school (as well as home). This perseveration impeeds his learning. I would say this would apply to any child. And when we spoke I understood it to be more than a 'No Hug Policy', he's been banned from being comforted in every way familiar to him, that shows him others care. No resting his head on a lap to cry, not even crying on a shoulder on the bus, no pinkie handshake. So, now you are aware, it is not ok with him. And now you are aware, he is not getting what the change is about. He might even be able to recite 'your' words, but he does not get it.

I don't get it either, so I'm not surprised he doesn't. I've really tried, and I just don't get it. When he hugs me too long or strongly, I've worked with him to be gentle. Now, when he hugs me it's appropriate. Hugging and physical touch is something that goes on in the world. If he needs to learn to hug...how hard, how long, what the signs are that the other person is done, then why was the decision made to create a No Hug Policy rather than teach him?

<snip>

And for the last time, it's not that I need to WITNESS Ms. H. talking to Vince about no more physical contact between them. I need to be there so when he says things that show me he doesn't understand why he can no longer touch her or be touched by her, I can explain her perspective to him. Which is hard enough since I myself don't understand the benefit of a No Hug Policy versus teaching him to be appropriate at school where hugs DO take place, tears DO fall and comfort IS given all around him. It's a nonproductive solution, to force a child with autism of all things, to understand why he will no longer be comforted with a hug or putting his head on a shoulder while crying. But, because I think so much of Ms. H., I want to find a way to work within her comfort zone. I can come any time of any day, so it's a bunch of hooey that it'll take another 10 days for this conversation to take place.

How about school considering explaining to aides, before BANNING or making a NO HUG POLICY, that if a child doesn't let go quickly enough during a hug, you help them to do so appropriately so he can take that with him, throughout school, out of school, and into his life. You are saying "Vince, you're doing this wrong, so no more touching". Honest I'm at a loss to grasp this. It's going badly, so your solution is don't do it at all. No one, not one person I've consulted about this issue, understands this solution. Or why it wouldn't be a better solution to get the ADULT aide rather than the CHILD student, to understand a hug appropriately policy.

Really, I'm starting to feel insane, my child is autistic, why punish and restrict and make policies that teach him nothing, other than that he has failed, at even a hug. Am I only making sense to myself?

But there's a bigger issue. Why is he currently doing work so far below what he is able to? Why were there things he could do in past grades, he can no longer do? We can talk about all of this at the emergency IEP, requested 10/16/06.

Thank you,

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Oh Mili, this is SOOOO out of control. You are right and Vince is appropriately confused and upset...I'd be too. I mean if anyone took their affection and comfort away from me, even IF I had done something wrong, I'd be really upset, and probably in MORE need of some comfort.

UGH!

And as for the rest of the stuff, this is where I went nutso in my loooooong post the other day, but I guess I didn't do a good job expressing myself...I just don't understand why Coley isn't doing things he's done before...well he's refusing, but, uhmmm, isn't this kinda typical...why has this gotten so big...I'm upset about the 'lifeskills' type stuff he's chosen to be defiant about...and I'm just not sure WHY it's happening, which has me even more upset...I'm still waiting for ours to be scheduled...did you actually meet with them yesterday?

KJ

[Braindrain]

Mili, I don't blame you for being upset. If it were my child, I'd feel the same
way. One thing that particularly bothers me is that you said, "they started a
'no hug' policy with him, and told me it was ok with him...." So, they've
told him he can't hug anyone, but everyone else can hug each other??
And, they think he's okay with that?? What about when he sees the other
kids hugging each other and wants to join in? Who's going to stop him and
how are they going to do it? And, how do they know "it's okay with him"?
Did they really ask him if it was okay? I'm betting that they didn't.

I wish I had some advice to give you about the work he's doing in school,
but all I can say is that I hope you get some answers and that they are
satisfactory to you.

((((((((Mili)))))))) ((((((((Vince))))))))

[peglem]

I'm thinking the agenda here is not being stated on the surface. I think they are really concerned that with Vince approaching adolescence, he is at risk for developing sexually deviant behaviors. Perhaps they are engaging in overkill. But i think it is more likely that they are not being straight foward enough about it for Vince to understand, because sexuality is an uncomfortable topic for them. Maybe he needs to be taught the difference between sexual touching and other kinds of touch. And since he is not apt to get the subtleties, this needs to be taught very explicitely and matter of factly.

[milivica]

Ok, I feel sane again.

KJ, I'll have to read your post. I just started posting here yesterday, I'm a bit lost on if I'm supposed to be here or BT2 or what. I'll have to check out your post, sounds like we have some simular issues. And the IEP will have to be in 10 working days from my request, so nope, I asked for it yesterday.

Braindrain, I was just nodding YES, YES, YES, as I read your post. And he has talked about being upset cause another boy gets to hug Ms. H....of course, he doesn't seem to grasp that the other boy sort of seized her from behind and threw his arms around her waiste, and was asked to let go several times. He sees the boys arms around her, and that's a hug to him. And that to him, is her wanting to hug that other boy, but not him. I really wonder how much if ANY of this 'no hug policy' is Ms. H's...I'm thinking none.

Peglem, yes, definately it has something to do with some agenda I'm not being let in on...or...they are trying to tell me and I'm not getting. What they're doing is cruel to him, and they totally need to do as you said, tell him explicitly and matter of factly. If adults feel uncomfortable doing so, they need to work on that, Vince shouldn't have to work around their uptightness - even if he could. And, here's a good one, aparantly Vince has picked up on stuff from them even I didn't, and has already told his aide right in front of me and his case manager, "Don't worry, I don't get puberties with you. I only get puberties with Ms. G, lots and lots and lots of puberties, oh boy!". I thought that was friggin hysterical. I said, "well, did you tell her that?" and he said, "no way, that's private". So, he is getting it....albeit saying it in a room full of people isn't quite as private as I'm shooting for, at least he's not saying it directly to the staff.

I mean geez, let's create a 'policy' to protect the staff from my diseased perverted son so he can feel just a little more unliked, unwanted and unhuman....no hugs for you ya little perv, my sagging breasts and wrinked arse might give you a boner, and that would make me feel sooo violated!

I really really tried to understand it from their side. But the more I think about it, the more I think the staff ought to take 1/10th of a hit of ecstacy before school if their that uptight. The more I think about it, the more I DON'T understand this, clean back to the beginning of all this when he had to go cry/self comfort under a table, alone. Good plan. More alone time for an autistic.

Thank you, for making me feel sane again.

[peglem]

I don't think they (could be wrong about this) are worried about him doing anything inappropriate with them. But, if Vince has poor impulse control, what will happen down the road when he starts getting those very strong male sexual impulses? He could get in a LOT of trouble down the road, if this isn't addressed. And, whether he intends to cause harm or not, his acting on those impulses will create innocent victims. I don't know the solution. But, it looks like they are just teaching him that it is wrong to do x, y and z, without giving him any context. So, do you have a plan for what you'd like them to do? I'd come up with some ideas before the meeting.

[Keggy]

Oh dear, I didn't realize you didn't understand why there was a no hug policy... and I assume its the same for the rest of the kids... if not you got a problem.

It certainly isn't because your child dosn't deserve a hug, or he is sick or whatever else you mentioned.

Maybe its where I live, but it is never a good idea to be hugging children when you work with them professionally. Its a boundary issue. WIth all the predators out there who know how to take it to the next step... it keeps them from even taking that first step to physical contact. This is the number one reason too have this policy. DO you realize how many children (boys especially) are molested? DO you know how these molesters start? Have you ever read about Nambla? In every place I work or involved in, it is crystal clear that we can not hug children. Pretty hard to accomplish when they are young, sweet etc.. but it has to stop at an early age. At my dd camp the counselors (like her) were allowed to hug, where the adults were not. Not sure how good an idea that was, but ... still the adults are not allowed to hug. They are opening themselves up to accusations, lawsuits etc by doing so.

there are more reasons besides this.. but.. I have no reading glasses and this is getting painful.

[lisa6wks]

Mili,
Keggy is right. As a teacher, we are basically told to have "no touch policy" even in elementary school. And when we do break that rule, we put ourselves at risk for a lawsuit if someone should so choose. That being said though, I don't see why you couldn't put in his accomodations that Vince needs some sort of physical contact to assure him that he is accepted and valued. Especially that pinky thing! For crying out loud, its not like that could every be misconstrued. Maybe someone could squeeze his hand and that could be his "hand hug"? I don't blame him for being upset and I do think his teacher is taking this to extremes. There has to be a way to give Vince what he needs and keep everyone else out of trouble. It is just going to take a little imagination.

Lisa

[milivica]

Sorry I'm posting so short on time....Keg and Lisa, he's been treated one way by his aide for four years. When he cries, he puts his head on her knee and gets his back patted, or, puts his head on her shoulder and cries on it. He gets hugs throughout the day depending on the day. Now, all this has been taken away in one day, like boom you're 10 now so no more physical contact. This needs to be a PROCESS, where we consider what he's getting from the physical contact, and replace it appropriately. Again, I'm rushed, but imagine your husband saying 'no more sex, but I'll give ya a wedgie every night'.

They mentioned his age, I'm sick of that honestly, I mean if we're going to talk about age let's talk about developmental age. It needs to be a transition we work on and help Vince through. Not a illogical cut off. October 17th at 11:15 am and hence forward, no more hugs or crying on laps or shoulders or pinky shakes so sayeth his majestrate, so sayeth all.

As for being molested, Vince made a stink about it 2 years ago when a teacher touched his elbow or something, he let the teacher, the staff, me, and pretty much everyone in Wisconsin know he was not comfortable with that. Not saying he is exempt or too verbal to be molested, just reeeally don't worry about that for him anymore. I honestly fear more for Carmen in that area, Vince is no slave to pleasing adults what so ever.

And also, since their new 'policy' he's glomming onto everything that moves, and perseverating on this topic all night, all weekend, all the time. This is a kid that rarely wants physical contact, only when he's upset...now it's like a test or control thing with him. He can't get enough hugs ever since being 'banned' from them.

I shouldn't bear an aftermath of school actions...I'm ready to tell school either start hugging the kid again, or I'm not giving him the strattera and sending him to bed late and see how they like bearing the aftermath of what I do at home. Not that I'd do that, likewise, I just want to be a part of this decision that effects him at school and home, and think I should have been. Initially I only asked to be a part of the aide who is uncomfortable telling him matter of factly why she doesn't want him to touch her anymore, but seeing as that's going to take yet 10 more days, I feel like they're playing games, feeding her what to say, now I'm suspicious and very concerned.

Ok, Spec. Needs. Boy Scouts tonight...gotta fly!

[lisa6wks]

Ok, I see your point and Vince's point and I kinda see their point, but why does it have to take ten days? That doesn't make a lot of sense. In the meantime you all have to suffer trying to figure out exactly what is going on and poor Vince is left perserverating on this issue.

I'm sorry

Lisa