A chuckle to help make it through the day

[Jolene]

Religious Joke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hymn #365

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."

[Jolene]

A Newfoundland Love Poem
(Who said Newfies weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling

You're a bloody top notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there.

No woman who is your age

Has nice round perky br---ts

They just gave in to gravity

But I know ya did ya best.

I'm tellin ya the truth,

No I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy

That you've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on me grannies grave now

The moment that we met

I thought u was as good as

I Was ever gonna get.

No matter wot u look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the hockey's on

And fetch another beer.

Ps- He was MY MAN!!! At least until the hockey and beer part... Don't bother getting uptight about me laughing about being fat. I've been living it for nearly 40 yrs! :D

[bluebirdy]

cute! .... bb

[Mark N]

Thanks for the laughs Jolene.

[CowBone Chris]

Ok J, you got me going now,,,

1st off, those were great,,really liked the first one,,,,darned the last few lines on the other one,,,those guys and hockey,,,WHAT is IT !!! AND BEER !!! hahahahahaa

ok so here is something I have said at times, especially when something is said and I can see I have a lead in.....

Lift your glass and say:
( Be solomn but lightwhen sayig this)
Here is to Lying, cheating, Stealing and Drinking !
If you Lie, may it be about your age.

If you Cheat, may you cheat Death!

If you Steal, may you Steal a womans' heart!

and.......

If you Drink?...........

"MAY YOU DRINK WITH ME !!!!!! lol HAHAHAHAHA AND RAISE YOUR GLASS IN TOAST AND SAY THIS FINAL LINE WITH SURPRISE AND HAPPINESS AND LOUD!!!!!

When ever I start to say I have a toast, everyone listens as I act sort of calm and serious and then when I say what I am toasting, it all goes very, very quiet...then they listen,,,then at the end, in surprise I announce my last line and raise my glass, and everyone breaks into laughter and .....relief! I am know to be a bit of a gagster I guess...hahahaaha


so memorize it, or write it down in small print and keep in your purse and then go to the restroom and rehearse it before you say it the first time so you dont ruin it,,,its always gets tons of laughter!

having fun on a good day,
your spiney friend
Cow Bone Chris.:D