Going out with Enrico

[Italia]

Today the weather was wonderful,20°C degrees,sun,and I decided to take Enrico to the park.
He was very happy to go out,as he has just finished the convalescenze from a bad flu,but when we were inthe car,he didn't want to go to the park.....but to my parents' home.

When he was there,a few minutes and he wanted to go out again and walk,my parents live in a very nice place with a lot of trees and flowers,so we started to walk,after a few minutes Enrico started to complain,his face was unhappy,he started to cry,he doesn't talk,so I wasn't able to understand which was the problem and he always answered NO with head to every question....

In the end,he wanted me to carry him in my arms,the car was far away and I did for a while...but Enrico is a very big boy of 5 years old and it was too heavy for me...so I put him down....He cried even more and he knocked himself to the ground.....which was full of the s..t of dogs....:(

Well,the question is:is it me that I'm not able to manage Enrico?When he behaves this way I often get very angry with him,but then I feel guilty as I know it's not his fault....but I really don't know what to do.....going out with him is getting very stressing to me

I need your advices...:)

[LIZARD]

(((((((((Laura)))))))))))).

Since he was just sick, maybe he wasn't up to putting in the energy necessary to walk as much as he had to. Is he usually okay with going out, or is this a regular thing?

I couldn't take Drew anywhere at 5 yo. He was rowdy, too prone to tantrums, and very impatient. Short outings might be best to start with. Then you could work up to longer ones.


Good luck!

LIZARD, who has about 20F!! :( I hate winter!!

[Italia]

I've the same problem every time we go out...He is very impatient,even when we go to the park or to the beach.Not to tell when we go to shops,last time I took him to a shop to buy shoes he was throwing shoes everywhere!:eek:

So you're only 20F Lizard?:o I don't envy you.......

But spring is going to arrive!:cool:

(((((hugs)))))

[Mother's Heart]

(((Laura)))

It can be tough managing all the behaviours at home. Dealing with them in public or even just on your own in the wide world with more variables and less room to retreat is doubly tough. I know what fortitude it takes to dive in and choose to go somewhere with an autistic child. It's just so much effort to get ready to go, and so demanding when you're out. It's very energy draining, both physically and emotionally/mentally. And you just never know if it will go relatively well and be a satisfying experience, or if it will abruptly go horribly wrong and seem like a miserable mistake to have decided to go. I'm usually tired before I ever leave the door, just from getting stuff and my desire ready to go.

I've found that if I'm totally focused on managing the behaviour and helping Donovan do better, (or at least survive reasonably well until we're through a certain situation,) then that keeps me from becoming angry. I guess that's since I'm not thinking much about what anybody else thinks. or how frustrating the moment is, or how terribly I've failed to make him act properly. I just put everything I've got into trying to morph his behaviour into something more comfortable for him and higher quality. To do that without sabotaging the outcome I have to be calm and reasonable and encouraging with him.

I think the irritated responses come from times when I feel like he should do better, I'm uncomfortable with his intrusion on other people, or when I"ve backed off and ignored (=neglected) tending to him, basically to give myself a break. (Occasionally in the midst of everything I just grind to a halt and it's 'tough luck' kids....I'm not doing anything now. WELL< that usually isnt' a good thing when it comes to the consequences I have to deal with when I return to being mom. sigh.)

you know, sometimes we're just tired, and choose to just lose it instead of mustering up yet more energy and reason to deal with it. I can't imagine that there are any parents of autistic children who aren't really tired. That has the biggest impact on our behaviour, I think. It's normal to become tired, and normal to do more poorly when you are tired.

I have learned that it's worth it, to keep going, keep trying. If you don't he is denied the chance to experience the world, the chance to grow and learn to handle it, and you are denied the chance to learn to handle it. :) If you don't go out because of the unpredictability and energy expense of going then you avoid the difficult times, BUT without them there is NO chance to get those fantastic experiences too. I wish I did more going and doing, even though my wish is most often to avoid the trouble. I see now how each time we've braved the waves over the years has added to who we are now, made things better, and both of us more capable of enjoying.

When the frustration rises I find I can give in to it and say I WANT to be mad and really berate the kid :( --Or-- I can take a quick breath in, STOP and truly look at the child, and remember how much I love him. When I do that it's funny how instantaneously I rise above my best ability in my next action. I wish I did this EVERY time he just keeps being difficult. It's that brief refocusing of my thinking that does the trick. I think with him the need to be actively doing something to manage things is so constant that I get into the mindset of turning from one action to the next, to the next, without having time to think of what to do in the midst of it all. It only takes a few seconds of breaking that activity for me to re-set my motivation and my plan of action.


It's my guess that you manage him better than you can tell. It is a humongous challenge and if you get partway to perfect success you've done well. It's just hard to believe that when we mothers see what we tried to do, and fell short of, that we haven't failed. The success comes a little at a time. You just gotta give yourself a little credit and keep stepping forward.

lotsa (((hugs)))
cj
\o/

[Mother's Heart]

Laura,
I know that my writing can be confusing. Too many words, too long sentences,too many idioms, too much running ideas in circles, or into the ground. It's hard for folks to follow in their native language. I'm sure it can be harder still to read in a second language. If you don't understand what I've tried to say please don't be hesitant to ask me. or say, Huh? cj you make no sense! :) I'll try to be speak more clearly, if I can. I'm not easily affronted and I want to be friends. :D

peace,
cj

[Italia]

My dear Mother's heart:)

I've understood everything,when I don't understand a word I look for it on the vucabulary,but I usually understand the meaning of all the phrases even if not all the words...

Your english is perfect and express yourself as you feel,because is a training for me to improve in your wonderful language.

I'm feally appreciating your advices and I'm going to practise them...

I will let you know how it is going|;) ;)

[Mother's Heart]

I'm glad you understand what is meant.

Mostly I want you to be encouraged. Sometimes you just have to ride through the low spots, and it is easier to do that if you can see that they aren't forever. The hard time is when you are exhausted, feel at a loss, and ineffective, and you don't have that thought in your mind that where you are isn't the end. Enrico is a being in the making. How he is now isn't set in stone. Over time you will find the beautiful boy that is unfolding inside there and that will be exciting and satisfying for you.

I think dealing with autism consumes the parent in the moment. We are drowned in just dealing with the here and now. We have little time to look back at the past and consider how far our child has come, and even if we had a lot of time to give to anticipating the future we can't....because it's so impossible to imagine. You don't know what will be so you just can't figure it out. You just don't know! So you can't make plans.
I remember several mileposts along the way where I tried to picture the future my son would live, both for my own 'worried mamma heart needs to know" and so I would know what I needed to prepare for him. No matter how I tried I just couldn't ever do it. I still can't, though each year has given me more glimpses of what he can do, and increasing hope for some undetermined eventuality. For now we mostly just have to keep trying day to day, challenge to challenge, and remember we do eventually figure it out. It's hard to see the big picture, but if we could I think we'd see that we really do okay.