New Here and Struggling

[meg2007]

Hello all...

I am new here.

Actually - I have been "lurking" here and at a couple of other locations at this website.

I am seriously contemplating/planning and thinking about suicide.

I just want to tie up some loose ends and then ensure that my plan succeeds. Getting my plan in place.

I often read about others and their situations and I wonder what keeps them going???

What keeps one from going on with their intent??????

I have family but my situation is such that I feel that I would be much less a burden to them if I just took all of my pills and go away........

What keeps one from going on with their intent??????

I am beginning to feel that if one goes to **** because one commits suicide, then what is the difference from the **** I am feeling right now...

What keeps one from going on with their intent??????

Just some thoughts.......I am not prepared to do this yet.......but when I have everything in order.......

I am ready because I am so tired of the fight.....of the fight.....:(

[jingle]

Hello Meg ~
I am so very sorry you're having such a difficult fight and so much pain, emotional and/or physical. (((Meg)))
I understand what you're saying and I understand that you need to talk to someone smarter than I am.

Would you please look at http://www.suicidehotline.com/ ....

They have an 800# and some wonderful people who will LISTEN to you and be able to help you. I'm praying for you. God bless and keep you.

[KathyM]

Meg

I suspect if you tied up every loose end you could find, it wouldn't help. The act alone will leave so many more loose ends in your wake. A friend or family member will suffer greatly, feeling blame for not seeing the signs or anger because he/she won't know how to grieve for you. :o

This friend or family member probably won't receive the support he/she needs because so many people think suicide is a sin. Then a bunch of strangers will want to know all the gory details, talk about you and judge you, but you won't be there to defend yourself. They will then go out for a nice meal and talk about you some more. :rolleyes:

That wasn't a very nice funeral was it? Is it really the way you want to go out and be remembered after all the fighting you've done to survive? :o

Life is real hard, but there's a reason for all the obstacles and struggles in life. With each hurdle we clear, the stronger we grow. ;)

When I'm facing a particularly rough time, I try to shut down for a while. I'm not a Christian, but I spend that time in prayer talking with God and letting as much out as I can. I'll then hold on and give it one more day. If I still feel suicidal, I give it another day. Sooner or later, the feeling passes or something small happens to bring back a spark of joy in my heart. At that time, I'm thankful I stuck around to see it.

If it happens again (feeling suicidal), I'll think back to the last time and remember feeling grateful to still be alive.

I was diagnosed with a rare form of familial amyloidosis in 1996. I'm disabled and homebound now. The amyloid in my heart and autonomic nervous system messes with my heart rhythm. Some nights my heart races so fast and the pain is so great that I'm certain I'm headed out the door. At that moment, a strong feeling of sadness overcomes me as I think back on my life. Funny thing is, it ALL seems so good - even the hardest of times, because I made it through. I'm always a little surprised when I wake up after these episodes. The new day feels like such a precious gift - even if I'm still in a lot of pain.

I'll keep you in my prayers and hope you'll be able to find something in this world that will make you want to stick around until it really is time for you to go.

[meg2007]

Thanks to both of you for your replies.

I am just so very depressed and feeling overwhelmed and unable to keep up with life.

I have been seeing a psychologist - she is so busy that I can only see her once a month - but I am going to think about giving her a call.

I am afraid that she will want to put me into the hospital for this depression. I just don't want those who know me to know how severe this is.

I have a couple of illnesses and have been blaming my dropping out and away from others on the illnesses - but - really all I want to do is to just curl up in a ball and give up. Life is such a struggle.

I know that my decision would have an impact on my children (grown). But then, I think that they would be glad to not worry about my situation any more.

I did go to the website. Thanks. Afraid to call the number.

But I think that now I will just try to get through today.

[KathyM]

Meg

Sounds like a good plan (getting through the day) :)

I have a son in the Navy. Ever notice that no matter how big they get, they'll always be our babies? Well, you'll always be their mother.

My mother used to attempt suicide often. When I was a kid, it used to make me really angry. She was supposed to be teaching me how to live, not how to die. :rolleyes: She was supposed to be setting an example for me to follow and carry on to future generations.

I can sympathize with my mom's feelings back then, but I love my son too much to pass on a really sad story for him to tell the rest of his life. I want him to have a good, strong story to hold dear. Something like "The old coot withstood all the wind and rain and never gave up. I can do that too." :D I wouldn't want my son to ever attempt suicide. I want to know he'll be strong enough to handle life after I'm gone. :cool:

I can understand why you'd like to stay out of the hospital. However, if push comes to shove, I hope you choose the hospital story over the other one. :eek:

It helps to write out your thoughts. If you're nervous about public postings, write it all down privately to yourself. I used to write down all my thoughts in shorthand. :p It was a good emotional release to put it all down on paper, but it had an added benefit. It gave me better insight into what was really bothering me, and brought me a little closer to resolution of the problem.

[Buttons2]

Meg, I understand how you feel. I also have a plan & there are many times when I just want to end it all.

You have stated that you don't want those who know you to know how bad off you are.....this shows that you are hiding your pain (for whatever reason). Let me just say that if you kill yourself all those that do know you will wonder why they didn't realize you were that depressed.....they will feel tremendous guilt over this. And you won't be around to see how much they truly did care,how much you really did matter to them,how horrific they will feel for the rest of their lives that you didn't reach out for help.

We are here for you! Let us help you, if you cannot call a helpline-please let us be there for you! You have to hang on! Why? Cause if you succeed @ suicide then it's too late, over,gone,done deed,nada,nothing. We don't know what happens then,do we continue to suffer? Do we have eternal ****?

What if you take the pills & you don't die? This happened to me twice. I ended up in the psyche ward the last time. I'm not religious either but I realize after all these years that God did intervene & kept me from dying. There must have been a reason for that.....we all have a purpose here on this planet,including YOU.

I understand depression & I'm wondering if you could get another doctor to see, once per month isn't enough when you are suicidal. Are you on anti-depressants? I actually became suicidal after 2 yrs on Zoloft! At first I was amazed with the change in me on those pills, I called them my "happy pills", then something changed in my brain (my situation had NOT changed), and I was right back into the pit of total despair.

I have to fight everyday to remain here. And it is a fight. With myself.

You've asked how we keep going.....well, I'm gonna ask you what has kept you going this long? You are reaching out for reasons to keep on, we can give you all kinds of reasons but it's only within your own heart what keeps you going.

If you've read all the posts here you will note that I adopted a big mutt to keep me going. Might sound weird to some people but somehow this dog connected with me, I didn't just wake up one day & say to myself that I was gonna go to the shelter & get a dog. Nothing could have been further from my mind! First I saw his pic in our local paper, he'd been given the name Rags,and was described as a dog not too appealing for adoption (my opinion), since he'd been in the shelter about 6 mos I must have had the right thoughts about the ad. Then there was a story on the front page a few weeks later, Rags had been attacked by a Pit Bull & barely survived.....that was it, I knew I had to rescue this poor dog! I had no business doing this, I had no money,no real home for myself much less a big dog, there were days when I could barely walk.....I had no experience training a dog,he came nearly up to my waist & was strong (no way could I hold him back on a leash!) My kids thought I'd finally lost my mind.....but he NEEDED me, and I needed him-a reson to live,a reason to get out of bed everyday & feed him, take him for a walk everyday. What would become of him if I died? It's been nearly a year now, I still don't have him leash trained:rolleyes: but he's my best buddy & with me 24/7. I'm rarely out of his sight!

I don't know if this will help you or not, it's just sharing my story.

Please hang in there, let us help,Buttons

[suede]

Meg, I'm so glad that you have found your way here and have found the courage to post and ask, this also shows that you really do want to go and I know first hand that it's not easy.
I have been suicidal almost all of my life, however back in 1996 I really did a number and they managed to bring me back and I have to tell you that I felt the same as you that my loved ones would all be so much better of without the burden of me, for many reasons.
However when all was said and one and I saw first hand the damage I had done to my family I thank God everyday that they did bring me back and that I am still here for my very grown children and DH.
I still have my bouts of depression and thoughts of suicide but know I would never damage my family like that again.
Please don't hesitate to call you physic. or any of the numbers that are listed to ask for help, that is what they are there for and remember this you deserve all the help you can get and you are worth it.
Please continue to post and let everyone help you and know your okay..
Gentle hugs,
Linda

[Buttons2]

Meg, please check in & let us know you are OK!

Hugs, Buttons

[MK52]

Hi Meg,

I have never viewed this forum previously, but thought "survivors of suicide" might refer to people that have lost loved ones this way. This was the case for me, so let me offer my thoughts.

I think that suicidal thoughts can be a form of "tunnel vision." People get so overwhelmed and depressed they cannot see the forest for the trees so to speak. I read a book about people who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge. Only a couple of these people survived. To a person, when interviewed, they all said that as soon as they jumped from the span, the first thought that ran through their brain was "this is a mistake!" I do not know what gave them this clarity--a jolt of adrenaline or fear. But I found this very telling.

I am not against suicide. I think in certain circumstances, one of terminal or extremely debilitating illness, it may be a release. But in these instances, there can be a planned and agreed upon, assisted end, with family and friends at least made aware of intentions and hopefully understanding of the choice. To me, suicide without family inclusion or discussion, is a form of violence turned inwards. People who pick up the pieces in the wake of a suicide are as traumatized as if the friend or relative was murdered.

Having lost a loved one via suicide I have to tell you that the impact on family and friends is enormous. People often shun you... It can feel shameful (why didn't you know???)... And statistics show that people who commit suicide have often had a close family member do the same. So you open pandora's box. And as far as feeling like you are doing your family a favor by killing yourself? Well, they will not thank you. I went to a workshop for people whose loved one had committed suicide. I was shocked to meet people who had been in anguish for over twenty years in some cases. Still horrified and blaming themselves, still able to summon up what had happened as if it were yesterday. So if you do feel this urge, please do not think that your family will not be affected. They will not be "better off."

But much of this message is about the people around you. What about you? I do not pretend to know what you are faced with or what has brought you to this point. But could it be that your feelings are situational and would pass with time? Could it be that medication or perhaps lack of proper medication that makes you feel this way? Can you try and imagine something that gives you some small measure of happiness, pleasure, or joy. If there is nothing in the present perhaps think of something in the past? And think about whether your personal landscape is truly such that you can never expect to experience that feeling again? And write to people on this board! I bet they are willing to listen and listen hard and I for one am prepared to listen. If you will just write. And if that is too hard, call the hotline! Block your phone number if you are afraid of being ID'd. Just talk to people. You really matter. If only one person on the planet knows you, you matter. And since the people who have responded to your post now "know" you, you matter.

[meg2007]

Just thought I would stop in for a moment.

Was able to get an appointment with my psychologist today - someone canceled.

I think that one of the things that has kept me "going" is because I had read on another site (and just now, here) that family members are more prone to suicide if someone in their family has succeeded. I love my boys too much to do that to them. One of them has a tendency to depression, like I do. He is such a wonderful person overall and son....

Thanks. Need to go get ready for the doc.

[MK52]

Bless you Meg.

It is true. My loved one who committed suicide--well at the funeral we learned that her father had committed suicide, too. I was so stunned. No one had every spoken to this. And she committed suicide at the exact same age that her father died.

Bless you and hang in there. Let us know how it went today...

[suede]

Hi Meg, I hope that your app. helped and you are feeling some better.
What you have read and heard about family members being more likely to commit suicide is true.
I have 3 children that are all suicidal also, as a matter of fact the week before Thanksgiving, we found my son in the basement bleeding to death where he had sliced his wrist.
There is no H*** like it, trying to hold your loved one and keeping the life from pouring out. This was not his first attempt, I pray though it will be his last, though I can't say for sure.
Both my daughters have also tried.
In some of my research about this I have read that suicide and suicidal tendencies can be a inherited chemical imbalance just like depression and other illnesses.
Linda