Angry about all the why's

[JAVISI]

Dear friends,
Does anyone else stuggle with the reason why this illness has happened? I am!:mad: So many things have change in the last couple os years for me. Ihad to give up my job as a Nurse, ajob that I loved.

I got a divorce from my abusive husband, which I am happy about, no regrets and no looking back!
The thing that bothers me I feel Isolated from my kids, My husband is so manipulative with them:mad: ! I just try to reassure them that I love them and my divorcing their dad had nothing to do with them! And that I expect them to love us both. I never say bad things about their dad although Some days I would like to!

Everyone keeps telling me things will get better, but they don't, my health has been declining. And now my oldest son is in jail for a DUI, flight to avoid arrest, hitting a patrol car and injuring a police officer! I feel the blackness surrounding ,me. I go from laughing one minute to crying the next. I love my son so much and I want to help anyway I can but my hands are tied.

I think a lot of things that I have no control over are so frustrating, and I know that anger is a manafistation of pain. How do you heal a broken heart??

Thanks for allowing me to vent
Javisi:(

[Cry Tears]

First...here's a cyber hug!{{{@}}}...OK...I know it won't help much...but I do know how you feel a little.
You were betrayed by one who should have loved you most...then lost your family, job and self worth!
Yes...pain will make you angry, frustrated, poor self esteme...feeling like why go another step!
Just another day filled with pain...whats the purpose in all this?
One reason to keep going...your son and other kids! He no doubt is acting out because he probably wasn't treated all that well by his father...and he too is suffering pain. Thats why kids act out.
But you've got to practice tough love and not bail him out...he must suffer consequences for his actions.
Easier said than done! Been there, done that!
Your kids will always respect you more than your ex because you are not ex-bashing in front of them...He no doubt is...they'll wisen up pretty soon! Then he'll be the one who looks bad.
I can't tell you things will get better...but you will, with time, adjust to your health issues...at least I have somewhat.
I've been thru so much with my health...always thinking things would get better...but it only got worse!
But...I've been able to keep going and find ways to keep myself busy, take my mind off my pain.
Sometimes hard to do when the pain is too much and all you can do is think about the pain.
Is there something you can do that you enjoy doing such as sewing, crafting or artwork?
Can you volunteer somewhere? I used to do Pet Therapy with my dogs...that got me out and kept me busy...it didn't stop my pain, but I was busy! I also do artwork here and there...sew and craft too.
I used to work at a big hospital doing Phlebotomy...I loved it!
Then I went into selling Real Estate...loved it big time...then one day....I got ill.
They think multiple chemical sensitivity thru my immune system into a tail spin.
We'd just purchased a newer home...furnished it with all new "stuff", carpets, flooring, furniture...then sealed the house up for bitterly cold winter...the fumes must have done it to me as I fell ill all in one week...then had to quit working and gave up my favorite job. It broke my heart....and no longer enjoyed a good income....talk about damaging your self worth and self esteme! All because I wanted new house and stuff! I blame myself a lot for my vanity....Think...if only I would have not gotten this place, the stuff...I'd be well!
Lots of if only's wont help me, only makes me upset...so try not to go there.
In talking with my counsilor...he tells me I must think about what I do have now...not what could have been or should be....but to be thankful for what I do have.

Another easier said than done when you've been betrayed and hurt by those who should have loved you and your body betrayed and hurt you as well...double punch!

I too get angry at my situation...my failing health....angry at the stupid uncaring doctors I've had....
I wanna slap a few of them...angry that I allowed them to treat me the way they did when I was terribly ill,
but they didn't beleive me! One ER doc in particular...told me I was having a panic attack refused to do simple blood work, then discharged me from the ER...when really was bleeding to death from intestinal anuerism! Stupid doc!
My hemaglobin was 5.1 hgb...thats nearly dead...panic attack?! Ha...yeah, she'd panic too if her blood was 2/3rd gone!

Now I'm ranting instead of helping...see I'm in the same sinking boat you are!
Least we can sing..."Row, row, row your boat!" Ha! LOL!...but seriously,
at least we can support one another here on BT forum...and vent once in awhile too!
Hope I've helped...even if just a tad!
What sort of Nursing did you do? How long did you work...can you work at all now?
Happy Valentines Day! Hugs...cheryl
PS...here's a boquet of flowers I picked just for you! Honest! I picked it out of the photos in my junk file! LOL!

[JAVISI]

cheryl,
Thank you so much! It does help to know when others understand;) . I was a R.N and worked in the ICU but worked in the E.R sometimes but I was crosstrained to work in any part of the hospital. It was so much fun and enjoying, to help othrers. I worked for 15 years at the same hospital:( I miss it a lot!

I am not going to bail my son out of jail, the main reason is that I do not have the money. He was always his dad's favorite but was also called retarded, stupid and many other names. I know he knows that my love is unconditional and his dad's comes with a price.

Happy Valentines day to you too! I loved the bouquet and the beautiful little girl.

I am unable to work due to my tremors, thinking problems, walking problems and vision problems. I have been wanting to buy painting supplies beause I have always loved painting water colors. I do write poems. I will have to share some of them. One of them is being a sick mom, and another is just being a mom in general. I have many of them.

Cyber hugs to you and wish you a very happy Velantines day!
Dream Big, with love and Inner Peace to all!
Javisi:D

[Cry Tears]

If you can...just as a suggestion to challenge you....seeing you like artwork.
Go get some water color paper, a few brushes, couple tubes of basic colors.
Then I'll start you out with an idea what to paint....easy to do!
If you don't have $ for this, I'll send you some starter "stuff"...I have a few older small tubes of colorings...or can squeeze out a bit onto a pallet let it dry. I've got lots of brushes I no longer use...keep it for rainy day? They're not bad...but I'm always getting new ones...especially the small ones.
Have you ever taken water color classes?
Wish you were here in my area! I have an awesome teacher....she has 70+ students...broken into numerous classes/times. She charges just $40 per month...we meet 3 hours each week. Perhaps you could find one in your area?
I've found this my greatest outlet for pain, self esteme, way to get out of the house...meet others....even tho I'm not all that great in painting, I don't care if I am awful...it just is great feeling to creat, chit-chat with those who're not connected with my health issues, family etc...clean break!
But if you're not up to this...thats OK...I'll understand...but think you'd find it helpful in releasing what ails ya just a tad.
Check out the art forum...I've posted some of my artwork there...we need more people's paintings...I'm embarresed so few have posted pictures of their artwork.
Hugs...cheryl
#1: Very 1st water color I painted
#2: Last one I just finished before Christmas

[JAVISI]

Cheryl,
Wow! What beautiful pictures. I have always loved art. In High School, I was a sophmore but got to go to an art school with the Seniors. I loved painting mountains, animals, almosr anything. When I graduated I was offered a job at our local paper to draw for them! I was to scared to do it then. I thought I just want to paint the pictures that I want to and not have to paint or draw things that I have to.

I have to get some of my prescriptions filled today, so I may have my dad take me to get some supplies. I really never do or spend much on myself. I remember the great satisfaction I got along with the peace and serenity, while painting. I am a little shaky but I may try I like things to be perfect, and I guess I must get over that. Watercolor is a forgiving type of art.

Thank you for reminding me of the happiness I felt when painting!:D

I got a digital camera for Christmas and love taking pictures. I have 3 really cute pictures of my grandaughter, only her face sticking out of all the bubbles in the bath tub and one she is sitting up with a very cute cheesy grin! I want to frame them togeather. I love Anne Getties pictures of all the babies and little kids.

Once I get a scanner and printer I will share them with you!
Thank you for being my friend and opening my eyes to the beauty in the world again.
You are a special person, and have been of great help to me!
Cyber Hugs, Laurie:D

[Mark N]

Just to let you know you are not alone. I have dealt with spinal and knee pains for more than 26 years. I have had doctors that don't see the problems and one said "you are an aging jock and will have to live with your pain" no meds or treatments, what a "good" doctor:mad: . I felt like telling him to live with my pain and how I couldn't walk for two weeks. I went through several doctors that didn't help me out until I found my NS that couldn't figure why I was in so much pain. I am glad that he referred me to my OSS as he was able to see what was wrong. I had a lumbar fusion by him that was great and when I went in with loss of feeling on my left side and severe pain from my thoracic spine he immediately scheduled me for surgery as he could see the problem with my spine.

If you keep searching you will find a good doctor out there. I have not been angry about my problems but I can see how you can be angry about your problems. I hope things get better for each of you. My wife has been abusive to me and my daughter [she always babies our son who is 15] but I stick with her because I love her so much. She has been getting somewhat better lately but she still has mental problems and blames me for all her problems. But I let it go and not let my resentment build up. I have been denied my SSDI for 2.5 years but I have a hearing soon and hopefuly the judge can see my disability limitations. Take care and I wish you the best.

[JAVISI]

Mark,
I hope your hearing goes well! It took me 3 years to get on disability. I was made to feel worthless by my husband because I always payed all of the bills and his money was his to spend on what ever he wanted:mad: I always took care of the kids an:mad: d it saddens me that they seem to be closer to their dad. He was a mean, abusive alcoholic. He did quit drinking but started again when I left.

It was a hard decision to move back in with my parents at age 39, I have since turned 40 but I had no choice at the time. I am so angry that he would bring the kids into this! He took advantage of me being sick, I didn't have the strength to fight with him in court so he got the house, both of the vehicles and the camper. I got a few things out of the house but a part of me don't care because the best thing I did was rid myself of him!

I thought that I had finally come to terms with my illness but this year has been a whirlwind of problems. No one that I know personally really seems to understand. Most people say just get over it, you can't change it so deal with it, but it is not that easy. This site is my only solice, where people really seem to understand and can relate to the problems that arise.

The main thing I want and need desperatly is for my kids to love me, It was no suprise that I left to them yet they seem angry with me. I guess I need to let them work through this. They know in their hearts what their dad is like. He moved in with another woman 2 weeks after I left:confused: .

Thanks for the help and support, Dreaming Bi and Reaching for the Stars, Laurie:)

[Cry Tears]

Laurie....awe...I know you're going thru so much rigth now.
Your kids will one day wake up to what that man is all about.
They've got to feel anger....no way can they feel this towards "dad", he's not safe enough to feel anger at!
But they feel safe in being angry with you because your love is unconditional! One day "dad" will pay for all this cuz they'll turn on him one day and it ain't gonna be pretty! He'll be the loser...I can't say I understand betrayal, and such by a husband...mine is an angel! But I do know pain of loss of self worth and who I was....family ran from me...conditional love? No way!
My heart is broken....I know you are too! Life just isn't fair sometimes, is it!
But...one day you WILL find peace amongst this storm...I promise you will. You just have to work things out for yourself as you become "used" to being disabled. Keep up with your freinds here! We love you! Hugs, cheryl

[JAVISI]

Crytears,
Thank you so much for the care and support. Your words are always uplifting. I know in my heart the time will come soon. I know that they know what HE IS LIKE.

I have been so sick and weak. I worry that I will die before they realize this. I do not ever want them to feel guilty if that does happen. They are still my strength and rock when I am so down, even though they don't know it.

Thank you all for the care and support, I think I would go crazy at times with out it!
Sincerly, Laurie;)