OT-I just have to rant!

[peglem]

This is extremely off topic, but I just have to rant. Last February, according to the camera at an intersection, I entered the intersection 4/10 of a second after the light turned red. I was not notified until June that this had happened. I tried to fight it, but after 2 different court dates (they would reset for another court appearance to make decisions on my appeals) I decided to just plead guilty, because the court appearances were always for 8:00 in the morning and I have to be here to get Allie ready for school. So, I paid my rather hefty fine and went on my way. So, a few weeks ago, I get a notice that I have to attend traffic survival school or they will suspend my license. Okay, I know its wrong to run red lights, but, sometimes those yellow lights are just a judgement call and I am quite certain a police officer would never have pulled me over for this. Traffic school is 8 hours and i have to be there at 7:30 AM...I don't know how anybody else is gonna be able to get Allie ready for school that day. This is the 1st moving violation I have EVER had in all my years of driving, which I believe demonstrates that I am a safe driver. So, now I'm stuck for 8 hours to learn not to run red lights, which, DUH, I already know! Okay, i'm done now and thanks for letting me rant. Now that its out of my system, it won't spoil the rest of my day!

[Mother's Heart]

bummer!

well, I guess Allie will just have to go to traffic school with you! ;) :D :D heh heh heh

[peglem]

Hee, hee....bet they'd let us out early! Y'know, I was driving her to the doctor the day my picture got snapped and she was carrying on in the back seat, which I'm sure contributed to the whole incident...so yeah, that's a GOOD idea. They could teach her how to not distract mommy when we're driving!

[Mother's Heart]

yep. My fear would be that they would deem that a violation...driving while distracted.
you just tell me, now. WHO do you know who is a better driver in that department, knowing how to maintain an eye on the road and control of the car in spite of abrupt eruptions of screaming/crying, objects hitting you unexpectedly, and the car rocking and rolling? huh? nobody is better skilled than we parents. nobody!
I have even maintained my cool, and a straight line on the road, when the boy grabbed my hair, pulled my head over practically on his lap beside me and proceeded to whack me repeatedly with a rather hard toy. most folks would panic if a cup of juice suddenly flew in their face while they are driving. Not us!

granted, it's not safe, but the average driver doesn't hold a candle to us. :)

[peglem]

Oh, Allie is good at kicking me in the shoulder from between the seats- even though she's belted in the back seat. Also, yes, grabbing hair, pinching and scratching at my face. When I say, oh so calmly, "We have to be safe when we're driving." She'll back off for a few minutes.

I never mentioned her presence in the car during this incident, because I knew 1) Nobody at the courts would understand and 2) I didn't want to get a lecture about how its my responsibility to make sure she's safely secured when I'm driving...she's as safe as I can make her and she DOES keep her seatbelt on. She's just so agile!

Thanks for throwing some humor into this! It makes me feel much better!

[Mother's Heart]

:D :D Humor is survival. :D :D

[Isabelle]

My commiseration, Peglem! :( It's indeed over excessive! 8am? Don't they know that you are a mother with children to get ready to go to school? Never minding Allie is disabled.

And, now after paying the expensive fine, need to be at school at 7:30 am for driving lessons? What are these people? It is excessive! How many times have you run a red light? They do not have morning/afternoon classes while children are in school? That's is to be intransigent, inflexible....

My gosh! Good thing that you did not mention Allie's presence or that she distract you. I am thinking if you try to use Allie's behaviour as excuse to run the red light not only they wouldn't understand but they might say that Allie is a danger to herself and to others and that you are not qualified to be her caregiver.The judge could order Allie to be send to a group home where a more "structured environment could be provided" with lots of sedation to keep her "safe".

[Pamster]

I am with Isavelle one hundred percent peglem. :( It's scary and a good thing you haven't brought it up. I feel so bad for you, but what else can you do that you're not doing? Nothing as far as we can see, it's not easy parenting a older child with autism. By older I mean in the realm of seven and up, they get harder to cope with. :( My heart goes out to you and Allie. :(

[peglem]

I find more and more that Allie is finding stategies to keep safe when she has problems. She used to occupy the "aisle" seat in the van, because she is not able to smash her head against a window from there. (my strategy). But, she still was able to somehow reach the front seaters from there. She has taken to insisting on occupying the middle of the very back seat, where, even though she is less accessible to us, she cannot reach us and also is away from windows.

Also, finding strategies to help in doing things that she wants to cooperate with, but can't make herself. The other day in the dr. office. She couldn't keep her teeth from clenching down on whatever goes in her mouth. She
started by opening wide, then as soon as either the tongue depressor or swabs entered the mouth, she'd automatically clamp down. She refuses to get on the examination bench, so we do the swabs while she sits in a chair. Well, the nurse stopped trying to swab and said she didn't really think she got a good swab. Allie ran over and jumped onto the exam table and laid on her back to make it easier for us to hold her down and the swab was quickly obtained...isn't she clever? I think most people don't notice that she's trying hard to cooperate- it looks like she's fighting everything. But, I've become aware lately that she really is trying to cooperate, despite a seemingly defensive reflex to fight. If i give her enough autonomy, she usually finds someway for us to help her.

[Mother's Heart]

YES Peglem! i know what you mean. :) :)

I personally don't think kids with autism become harder to deal with as they get older....different issues rise to the top as the ones that are harder to deal with...and more of the things that are social obstacles become issues that weren't so bad when they were younger...but I think so many other things become less of an issue that it kind of balances out. Perhaps just my viewpoint.

[milivica]

I think that's insanely excessive given your record plus you having already paid the fine. It just infuriates me, I think cause it reminds me of how impossible it is for me to do anything like that, because I really truly have no one what so ever to care for Vince...when dh and I worked opposite shifts, dh DID TAKE Vince to his truck driving TEST at the DMV back when he was about 4 - can you imagine!

I mean, I think I was imagining 'what if that happened to me?'. There is really nothing I can do if that would happen to me. The two friends I have work in the morning, I couldn't ask them to take off work and watch Vince plus don't think they would - I mean it's a lot to ask I would think. Vince is now easy to babysit IF you act like the adult, which most adults don't seem to do and want to 'flex' and challenge Vince challenging their 'authority'...know what I mean? Oh man, I feel for you, not so much due to the insanely excessive consequence but for the ridiculous waste of your time, plus the effort you'll have to go through to get Allie taken care of plus what she will go through to have her morning change and you not there.

Can you tell I'm just SO SICK of the extra and excessive effort every little thing takes when you have a child on the spectrum (and no family/help). I just feel beat, whipped, defeated, by a system (namely school at this point) just holding all the cards for my kid and his future - actually our family's future - yet have no personal investment in it.

Anyhow, it's ridiculous. How about using that 8 hour class for people that cause accidents on their cell phones or putting on make up or shaving. I'm surprised you had to do both the fine and the class. Stop showering and using deodorant several days before the class or some similar nonviolent protest. Wear a t-shirt "Traffic School Stinks".

[Mother's Heart]

:) MILI :)

you know, I got called for jury duty when my ds was two years old and required extensive constant treatment/monitoring for medical reasons round the clock besides the extreme behaviour problems he had. I was recently separated from my husband and my blind daughter was also still a preschooler. I requested to be excused because I was the sole caretaker for the kids and had NObody else to help. I would've had to pay 1/3 or my monthly income for the level of care required for my kids as my son would've required a nurse so it would've been a hardship on me financially as well as a hardship on the kids to have been cared for by somebody who didn't know them.
The court put up a fuss but then agreed to temporarily excuse me (if you serve your name is off the list for two years, if you are temporarily excused they call you for the next round in nine months). So.....for almost ten years I got called every nine months! Had to go through the excuse letter and back and forth every time. It wasn't until their computers were down and my case had to be handled by a higher level human at the last minute that he spoke to a judge and gave us a permanent excuse, Which isn't actually permanent but lasts longer than nine months. I guess my making a statement in my first letter that I believe jury duty is a privilege and an important responsibility mighta been a mistake. I really would prefer to serve than be excused.
you know, it's just impossible.

I take my son with me to most of my own doctor appointments. That includes gyn checks, mammograms, etc. He watched in tears while the doctor gave me lidocaine shots and cut into my foot to have a foreign object removed for crying out loud. You know, he has to go shopping with me, to the DMV line, and to meetings and everywhere else I go. This isn't an excuse, it's just an inconvenient reality.
We can't just hand off our children to a neighbor at the drop of a hat like many parents can. In most cases Grandparents can't even watch them.

It IS a problem....but not one that's easily solved over the longterm

[peglem]

grrr, jury duty. For awhile, they were calling me every year when I was still working as a full time teacher. It was difficult to prep for a sub when I taught kindergarten because you can't just leave some review worksheets for kindergarten. Anyway, I tried to get them to reschedule for the summer months when it would not have been a problem at all. they wouldn't. I went many times and was never selected for a jury anyway. One day I was grousing about being called yet again and the campus cop overheard me. His advice was to ignore jury duty summons that come through the mail. They have no proof you recieved the summons unless you respond to it. I've only recieved one since my 1st ignore. I wonder though, why they targetted me like that. I know other teachers didn't get constant summons like that. Seems like every time I voted or had DMV activity, a few weeks later, here'd come that jury duty summons. Its not that I minded doing my civic duty. It was just a whole lot of extra work when they didn't really want to use me anyway.

Now, for traffic class- My husband is off work during the week and can, theoretically get Allie ready for school. She will, however be very uncooperative and mad because mommy is not there and should be doing it, not daddy. She'll be mad again when she gets home and I'm not there. She's in for a miserable day, and thus the rest of us too. When I do get home, she'll be mad at me instead of glad to see me and she'll spend at least a couple weeks waking up early to make sure I'm not leaving (or not sleeping well at night) while she's asleep. If I want to try to get excused from traffic school, I have to file an appeal, which means a bunch of 8:00 AM court appearances that I can't do for the same reason that traffic school is a problem...Best to just bite the bullet and get over it.

[milivica]

The whole jury duty thing, gawd. That just makes me feel an even more foul mood - not to change your vent Peg, cause it sure is a valid one, but I think besides school wearing on me, dh is the real root of my feeling so crappy and foul. I used to be so thankful to have what clearly seemed to me to be the best most supportive dh here. Nightly foot massages and everything he did and said showed me clearly I was a priority to him. It was unlike anything I ever knew or had, and now he's the most wonderful guy to everyone UNTIL he walks into our home. It's like, when he's in the world he gives his best, and here he's like lazy and selfish/self centered. Last night I was still up at 4am, he awoke, there was movement and cover shuffling, then the old knock knock knock on the back door. I said, "get that thing offa me I don't want to do that" and he stormed out of the room saying stuff about if I don't want sex then I shouldn't be married. So I took it hard of course, and he says "hello" like nothing happened. So, I took off my wedding ring, bit it till it folded then broke it in half and handed it to him and said "here ya go".

What happened to the guy I married? I tell ya, I'm so sick to death of taking crap from people...teachers, the crossing guard, my neighbor, I have 2 friends and 200 enemies. I don't think I do anything in this house without all the members of it in mind, mostly the kids. And true enough, I could care less about sex which is a shame cause dh can go for hours etc...all the stuff I hear women say they want in a man. I could care less about. I just don't want to take scraps anymore. I got scraps and took them gladly like some beaten omega all my life, which is what happens to aspies I think. At least aspies without a ma that has protective instincts and is in tune with her child, my ma was more of a frigid catholic nun type - her love is from such a distance you don't feel it, but try to believe it's there. Anyhow, now I'm grown, and I just feel pounded upon by the demands of 'saving' my autistic son, knowing I'm all but ignoring the needs of my daughter who herself has delays and cries almost daily cause she has no friends, and a husband who values what his dick needs over any of us sometimes, treats strangers and those other than his family with his best foot forward all the time, but seems to have dehumanized his own family in terms of how tender and thoughtful with words he needs to be to me, he does try with the kids, but not like he would with someone else's kids...it's like with us he loses his manners and doesn't try to think about what we feel and need. It's hard to explain. I guess I'm saying the way he acts and talks here gets worse and worse as sex gets less and less, but why would I want to do it with a jerk? So it's like a bad circle.

I'm not looking for anything but finding out if any of you have gone down this road. Really, as far as I'm concerned, we're separated, it's done. You can't just say stuff like that (preceded by years of increasing your jerk factor). This morning he just defended what he said, said he didn't say he wanted a divorce but said if I didn't want sex then I shouldn't be married. Geez, ain't that the same thing? He has so many positive qualities, but seems to lavish them on others. It's like he's totally blind, to how hard I try for the family (not myself) and the stress I'm under. He just sort of goes to work, thinks he's the only one that works, doesn't understand why the house isn't cleaned right etc... (which I should for sure be doing more around here) but doesn't understand I spend myself for days and weeks and months on what ever cause (currently school and Vince) and am probably so depressed I don't even know the difference between living and existing. I can't fall asleep at night, and can't stay awake during the day if I even try to sit on the couch, I'd be out. I don't feel depressed, I'm just assuming I am...anyhow...any similar stories would sure be appreciated. I want to know you all understand. I need to feel heard I guess. How did dh wind up another 'stress' instead of my support?

[peglem]

Mili, I emailed you!

[milivica]

Thank you Peg, I emailed you back.