I left my husband 1 year ago!

[JAVISI]

Dear Friends,
I left my abusive husban 1 year ago. We finally got divorced last week. I am so happy that I left him, yet I feel so much guilt! I waited until my kids were graduated and out of the house. I thought I was doing them a favor by staying that long:( ! But now it seems that they are all having troubles adjusting.

It is so frustrating to me. I love my children so much and never wanted to hurt them!!! But it seems that their lives have went haywire. I have 1 son in jail facing serious carges for drunk driving, flight to avoid arrest, and felonious assault on an officer he ran in to the roadblock and injured a deputy.

My daughter whom I was so close to rarely speaks to me, her dad sees he all the time and I am sure he fills her4 head with lies! He is a very manipulative man.

And my youngest calls me and checks on me, He has thrown himself into his work.


Somedays I feel like I should have sacrificed my life and live miserably So they wouldn't be miserable. My big question is how do you releave yourself from the guilt??

Thanks for listening and letting me vent!
Javisi:(

[tic chick]

dear javisi,

i have read your posts before and you have come down a long, hard road. you have survived!!

you sacrificed and waited until your children were grown and then you decided you deserved a better life. you gave that gift to your children. as a child from an abusive household, i am now a well functioning adult. i went through therapy and it helped immensely. your children are responsible for their own actions!! it was not good for them to see their parents in an abusive relationship, but that does not mean that it caused them to do what they are doing now. your children will have to find their own way and they will!

you decide how you feel. feeling guilty only makes YOU feel bad. i don't know what you feel guilty about, but think about all the RIGHT things you did. build new relationships with your children slowly. let them come to you. be honest with them, but assert your right to make the decision to leave an abusive relationship as being the only choice for you!

your children will have to decide what to do on their own. be there for them, but let them make their own decisions and suffer the consequences of those decisions themselves.

congratulate yourself on leaving the abusive relationship.

be greatful for the inner peace you have now.

think of the positive things you have done.

love yourself.

jeannie

[hamster]

Hi Javisi

I used to read your threads on the old forum, too. I want to say good for you on the divorce! Now you are free.

I agree with jeannie that you are not responsible for the actions of your children. They are adults. I know that we still hurt for them. We want to make everything right for them. We also want to be a part of them and know they love us.

Javisi, your children love you. They are still young. Give them a few years. Remember when we were that age and we thought we knew it all? They will come around.

I hope that things will work out for the son in trouble. It sounds like he is angry and is taking a bit after his dad, to me. In a perfect world he would pay for his mistakes and learn from them. Maybe he would be open to counseling?

Give them all some time. This is still new, as the divorce was just finalized. The manipulation by your ex is maddening and frustrating. Your daughter work this out for herself and see the truth.

You have done all that you can do. Relax and start thinking about you for a change. Be good to yourself.

Hugs
hamster

[joy]

hi javisis

it is nice to see your familiar name on here! i hope you adjust to your new life. it sounds as if you certainly deserve a chance at happiness. children are a funny lot. mine are both adopted and they know more about taking than giving. i think that is true of a lot of young people today. my hubby and i try and go on and make the best of it. and hope that the kids will realise just how much we did love them someday.

don't be a stranger. keep us updated. i was wondering what happened to you. we never posted on the same threads that much but i was familiar with you as much as one can be. myself i am very thankful for the computer and all that it can provide me with.

[Chris516]

I left my (ex)fiance because, not only was she lying repeatedly about what the doctors said about her health(she didn't want me at the appointments), she used her mental health problems against me.:mad:

To her, life was all about her. I didn't exist. She lied about the extent(and severity of) her mental health. I was just a big piece of meat to her, to be chewed up and, spit out. :mad:

[JAVISI]

Thank you all who have responded!
I know that I am not alone in this and so many people have gone through similar problems, like me:( . I have been listening to the song by Keith Urban "Stupid Boy", It really is a tail of my life;) .

I know that my son made his own choices, but as a mother, it still hurts and breaks my heart. I hope that my kids understand soon. Thank you so much for your support. I will be glad when I see my psychologist on Teusday, My son on Wednesday and my Psychiatrist on Thursday.

I write my son everyday and make sure that he knows that I love him unconditionally! I will be on the computer as much as possible and try to stay in touch with all of my supportive friends!

With hope and inner Peace, Love Javisi;)

[tenacious]

i am so very sorry you have had to endure this!! as a former social worker, however, i want to encourage you that if things escalated over a period of time, your children may not have you at all. it took a great amount of strength and courage to do what you did..by getting out. CONGRATULATIONS!

it is my prayer that this particular forum will grow with support for many. i did not read your other responses, so this may have be a repeat, but i want you to know that i am here for you.

i enjoy keith urban, and have one of his cd's; i will look to see if that song is on it and listen to it also, so i can better understand how you are feeling.

PLEASE know you are worthy of love and a life without fear.:D

[joy]

ah yes, i remember you are a keith urban fan. now i guess i need to turn on the radio or tv and listen some. i don't much because i have menieres and have enough racket in my head already.

bty, there is no divorce in my family and my son doesn't not want to see me that much either. it just happens that way sometimes no matter what. just don't give up and hang in there. i can't really understand my son's feelings either. but in his case i think it is pure jealousy as he has a sister who he thinks i think more of. i don't but she does seem to call more etc. but kids, you know.

mine are both adopted so you have to know i loved them to pieces even on their rottenest day. but as adults their actions are not as loveable sometimes i admit. and since we have been an adult their whole lives well we just can't all play in the playground and have fun if we were kids. too simple i know. but it's sorta the truth. since we do get to go to lake and do have a pontoon etc. if we are willing to pay for the pleasure of their company, well everything is fine. ah but here is the fly in the ointment, son just doesn't want to go at the same time as his sister. it's getting to the point that their dad had just about figured out he does not want either to go anyway. they don't want to do any of the work or spend any of their money, lol. we are not young anymore either and money is tighter and we are not able to turn off the work like we used too. we do not get to go all that often anymore anyway.

it makes it harder because both of our kids have one child each that just like them, we love to pieces. and the kids like each other. but jealousy enters the picture even more so makes it bad on getting to see both the grandkids.
so we shall see how it all works out.

many kids live too far to visit anyway. and for sure many are in the war and not close to anyone but whoever is in their squad or company. hopefully it will all work out for them too.

see javisi, you don't know me for anyone but i just shared almost a books worth of info with you, lol. not that the material was all that great but it is a pretty common enough story for many. so don't be a stranger. keep us informed.

[tic chick]

Stupid Boy

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
She let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy
Oh

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

She let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah

Well, she let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
Yes, ya did
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy, oh, I'm the same old
Same old stupid boy

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me


for all those who are interested in the lyrics...jeannie

[JAVISI]

Chris,
I am sorry I did not address you directly! I am so sorry for what happened to you. I was the one that was chewed up and spit out but it was for the better. You see when I worked and payed all the bills, I was worthy of himk but when he had to step up to the plate he was angry with me and I was not worth anything.

I was 17 he was 26 and I got pregnant, he was an alcoholic. He blamed me for everything. when I was pregnant he was drinking and playing cards with his buddies. The dog went to the bathroom floor he told me to clean it. I asked if he would due to not feeling well. He hit me, sahoved my face down by the mess and made me clean it. Then he made me sit in the corner, 'IF YOU ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE A DOG, I WILL TREAT YOU LIKE ONE" Not one man stood up for me. I was beat and held hostage in my own home for days until the bruises were gone. He beat me, broke my ribs blackened my eyes kicked me over and over, he held a knife to my throught and threatened to kill me.

My oldest son remembers these times. I should have left sooner. But fear was a big factor. Plus my mom is an alcoholic, I was afraid to live alone. I finally decided that it is easier to live with my parents. He is afraid of my dad so he leaves me alone but I see him often when I go to see my son, I get very afraid at times.

I am still working on my self-esteem. I got a lot of my self worth helping others when I was able to work as a Nurse. I guess I am still trying to find an inner peace!
Jeanne, that you for the lyrics. I think they don't just have a lot of meaning for me!
Dream Big, with Love and Inner Peace to all!
Love, Javisi

[joy]

javisi it is so good to see your dream big on here again. i had been wondering about you, if you were still here but changed your name or if something worse had happened due to your health. i remember how hard it was and still is for you since you loved being a nurse. it's a shame not only for you but for all who will never get the chance to be cared for by someone like you who really put their all into their job. please keep us informed from now on please.

[JAVISI]

Joy,
Yes, I am still dreaming Big! Somedays are harder than others. I do dream for inner peace. I am really stuggling from day to day. I have always tried to stay positive but it does seem that it is one thing after another.

I am happy and have no regrets leaving my husband:) . I didn't get a fair settlement. He kept the house although he has to pay me $300.00 a month until he pays me $7,000 for my share of the house. He got to keep both of the cars and in the interim of our divorce he sold the camper that I paid for with my 401k plan money. He also wrecked my pathfinder SUV, and used that to pay for his attorney. I got $1,000 to get me another vehicle.

I paid out over $7,000 dollars in medical and various bills. He paid nothing. So they deducted the bills that he made off of my share of the house! Totally not fair!:mad: But my grandma says I got the best thing "You got rid of him"! Which is so true. I have to remind myself of that frequently.

I am not too afraid anymore, Occasionally when I see him at the jail and he gives me an evil look, I get that same fear that I used to have in the pit in my stomach.

I shouldn't complain at least I have family that reached out and helped me. A lot of people don't have that. I wish my kids could understand a little more but I also know that he is manipulating them. I know that in their heart they understand why I left.
Thanks again, I really do appriciate all of the support:D
Dream Big, with Love and Inner Peace to all!
Love, Javisi

[joy]

ah now see that's my biggest ambition in life now is to be a good grandmother. i do get to practice some with one grandchild but not as much as i'd like with the other one and seldom get to see him. but i love the precious little things with all heart whether i see them for real or just in my mind.

so glad you do have family. your children may still be held under their father's spell because of fear themselves. it has to be hard on them as well and as you said i'm sure they are very glad you are well out of it. no one should have to live that way. i know a little about it as one of my own kids does not have a good marriage but i just have to accept their decisions and hope for the best. but i'm always scared myself of the what if's. there has been plenty of already happened as it is. so i just listen and offer whatever support i can. i guess that is one of the reasons i used to follow your threads and was so very glad to hear you was out of it. yeah YEAH!

[JAVISI]

Joy,
Yes, I am so glad to be out of the mess I was in! And proud of myself for getting up the Nerve and doing it! That is the one thing that helped me make the decision to leave, Of all things my illness. In times of weakness we can also become strong!;)

I love my grandchildren soo much. My son the one that is injail would come and spend several days with me and he would always bring my grandaughter along. She is 3, and a ball of fire. I can't keep up with her. She tells me several times a day, Ilove you! What music to my ears. I love the innocence of a child.:D

My grandson isn't quite 1 yet, I don't get to see him as often but when I do he is so much fun and his disposition is wonderful. He rarely ever cries. My daughter ws lucky when she had him. She works a lot and is close to her dad so I think that plays a role in not getting to see them much:(

My youngest son got his girlfriend a diamond ring for Valentines day. He was so happy. I am too for him. Between his job abd his girlfriend they both keep him out of trouble. I am happy about that!:)

So much to be thankful for, I have been trying to concentrate on that but my illness, my ex and my mom's drinking often cloud the happiness over!

Continuing to dream big! With hope for inner peace to all!;)
Love, Javisi

[tenacious]

i feel compelled to respond to your posts, as you mentioned illness a couple times........i am disabled, with two illnesses, and i know it isn't easy to push forward. nevertheless, we do it, don't we?:D

[JAVISI]

Tenacious,
Thank you for your response! We do fight to hang on for one reason or another. My last time in the Hospital My GI Dr. stayed with me for over 30 hours. He was quite worried, my parents were there and stayed the night along with an old boyfriend that I met up with due to getting in contact with his sister when their mom was dying of cancer. His sister was my best friend. his dad and sister were there along with my sister and her family!

But the main ingredient in my wasn't there! None of my kids, and my brother that I am so close to. I kept thinking I am ready to die if that is what is planned for me but when I didn't get to see my kids, I thought I can't leave them or my grandkids yet. I was quite delerious with a temperature of 103.8. But I fought very hard for others. I was tired and had just gotten over a bout of H-Pylori, a Brochoscopy due to bilateral pneumonia.

I keep thinking that their is a reason that I am here I can't see how my son would make it without me, I write to him everyday and visit him 2 times a week, that is all permitted.

I have seen people in my proffesion as an R.N die, various ages. Some were just ready to go and died so peacefully and others not ready that fought so hard and were so scared. I hated that!

I think no matter how depressed we are a part of us do not want to die, in most people. That urge to live kicks in and we fight when it is not our time.

Thanks again,
Dream Big, with Inner Peace to all!
Javisi:)