Son in Jail

[JAVISI]

Dear Friends,
I am so sad and dispondent! My son whom is 22 left the bar at 3 times over the legal limit. A police officer was trying to pull him over and he kept driving. They set up a road block on an icy street he slid in to the Sherriffs car, Then hit the officer. His bail was set at 200,000!

I can not afoord to bail him out. I feel such guilt even though I know that he is old enough to make his own decisions. But people are so cruel and have been making up rumors and lying about things. It hurts:( . I love him and want to defend him. He talks so brave to me, yet I know he is scared. He has a 3 year ld daughter and misses her so much.

I became sick and disabled, I left his dad whom is an alcoholic that began drinking again, and his daughters mother with whom he lived with got pregnant with another guy. He has been depressed. Trying to meet new people. He joined a bowling league, they drink there, he joined a pool league, they drink there, and loved Karyoki.

I talked to him about his drinking and the high likly hood of him becoming an alcoholic. He assured me that he was okay, obviously he was not. I am so scared for him! I love him soo much.

How do you rid yourself of the guilt and pain and not listen to all the people that are soo judgemental???

I don't always have access to the inter net but I will keep checking for a response!
Love, Javisi:confused:

[houghchrst]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know that it is hard seeing your child suffer. I am a recovering alcoholic, addict and my best advice to you is to do nothing but let him know you are there for him and are willing to help him get help and offer advice but until he is willing to get help you are to do nothing but be a sympathetic ear. If he knows that mom will always be there to bail him out of trouble then his behavior will continue. It will be painful because he may not learn this time around. He may do things like this over and over again but as long as he thinks mom is there to get him out of his messes then it will not stop and you are enabling him and if something worse happens then you don't want to be doing the if only I'd. I have a brother who is in his late 30's now and an alcoholic and he is miserable but will not do anything about it. For years my mother enabled him and now he is probably not long for this world as his health is failing him and I know that my mother lives with the guilt of giving him money, bailing him out, taking him to the store and not pressing the issue of getting some kind of treatment. If your son is living with you make rules and set boundaries and give him a deadline to get out on his own. It will be excrutiating and there will be days when you will feel like giving in but remember that you are trying to save his life. And those people that are judgemental have no clue as to what you are dealing with and going through even if they do mean well. And most do mean well, thank them for their advice, if that is what it is and move on to the next subject but if you get those that are just rude and feel the need to put their two cents in then feel free to tell them to kindly keep their opinions to themselves. If your son is looking for a group to belong to then tell him to try AA. They often have outings, picnics, movies, bowling etcetera. Just check around. Maybe he can even start something on his own.
Christina

[callyflower]

Are you sad and despondent that your son abuses alcohol, tried to evade arrest and endangered his own life and the lives of innocent others or that he got caught while making a huge mess of his life? So what if people are "talking" about him? I'm sure the rumors did not arise out of thin air and they are just words, after all. I agree, you need to stay out of it. He will have no chance of making a decent life for himself if you are there to hover over him and bail him out all the time.

[BrokenBladder]

Hi!!! It's good to see you posting on the board again, but I hate that it's under these circumstances. I'm a mother too and I know how it feels when our children made bad choices. My mother had an alcohol problem and I know what it's like to want to help, but there comes a time when you have to let him learn his own lessons. People love to talk whenever anything negative happens, but the truth is all of the talk will blow over with time. I know it's hurtful but it's human nature to blow things out of proportion. I will pray for you and your son, but he needs to make the admission that he has a problem and commit to changing his life. No one can do that for him, including you.

[Jo6]

I'm also a Mom to 4 adult children. I also have 2 grandson's , ages 22 & 25.

I know this is heart breaking for you, but remember it isn't your fault. We raise our kids the best we know how and there comes a time when they start making choices for themselves.

Some years ago we went thru some hard times with one of our kids. The hardest thing I have ever done is "love with detachment"! Those 3 words about drove me completely over the edge. One day I realized what was meant when all the Drs. and councelor's kept saying this to me. At the time I didn't realize they were trying to keep me from drowning myself.

I thought I was helping, but finally discovered I was helping them to keep doing the same, making all the mistakes, it was a very low point in my life.

Please remember you are cared for here at BT. Take care of YOU, that in it self will be good for him. I will keep both of you in my prayers, if you don't mind. Please take care, Julia

[Kaiti]

Javisi, I am sorry you are going through this right now. I agree with the others in the fact that you can't always solve his problems for him. I am just starting to realize that myself, after having drank for quite a few years, I am making an effort to put my best foot forward and put the bottle down. It took me cracking my chin to sober up, literally and figuratively. After realizing what could have happened I had ot thank God that I didn't hurt anyone else in the process, only myself, and what ever guardian angel was watching over me on that night needs to be cannonized, because it has been the best thing for me.

Please check in as often as you can. and take care, I'll also keep you and yoru son and grand daughter in my prayers.
Kaiti

[JAVISI]

Dear Friends,
I am so thankful for this web site. I get so lonely without it! It is so hard to be judged by others when your children make mistakes, especially this big. I am very sad and at times dispondent. I am on an antidepressant but this does not take the problems away.

I know that I can not bail him out this time. In my heart as a mom I want to but I also that it is not the right thing to do. He has aske3d for help, and I am trying hard to get AA meetings set up at the jail. While he is asking.

Such small things flip me over the edge, just like hearing about Karyoki! He loved it. Hid daughter is my first grandchild and I love her so much! I hate seeing hurt. I see him every Wednesday and Sunday. His mainh priority is seeing his daughter and spend time with her before he goes to prison.

I see my psychiatrist in 2 weeks, I am going to see if I can get on another antidepressant. I have lost so much in my life. I worked as a Nurse for 15 years caring for others and then I developed, myoclonal cerebellar ataxia. I lost my job and my identity. It is so hard to deal with crisis after crisis. But I want to say thank you again, I know that I am a co-dependant type of person, I will weork on that.

I want you all to know that I am thankful that he didn't die and I am thankful that the deputy received minor injuries. Thanks again, Javisi;)

[Kaiti]

Hi Javisi,
I am glad that no one was seriously hurt in all this physically. You well know the emotional trauma that is happening, so it's still a wound.

If the medication that you are taking doesn't seem to be helping, by all means ask about it. You say you were a nurse, so bring that to the front of yoru mind and think about what you would have told one of yoru patients. I've always liked nurses more then doctors...no offense to anyone. The caring and compasion that was shown to me from the profession makes me wish I could stomach that field, but when the cookies won't settle while looking at blood, it ain't in my cards.

Sorry, back to you. Make sure that every moment counts. It might be the little things tha tcount, as opposed to the big things. Those littl things add up. Just hearing that a friend is supporting me and has told me that they will be an ear for me has been a God send to me. Let yoru son know that you are his ear to bend. Don't let him walk on you, but beside you. Pull the friend card now, since we know that mom card wants to get him out of trouble the friend card can't do so as easily.

Take Care and your in my prayers
Kaiti;)

[dorothy from Oz]

dear Javis I dont know what possessd me to look on this part of the site tonight I usually just dont because Im not on here often these days abd because no one posts on here like they did the old BT forums, but I felt compelled to. Ive been in the worst grieving the last 2 months , I lost my favorite sibling to Alcohol before Xmas, I cannot tell you what I went through you would have to read my posts back in December, it was horrifying at best. Im also a mother, there is NOTHING and I relaly mean NOthing that you can do but keep yourself together as much as possible, Im not a good one to talk as Im still in so much loss and greif and cry each day. Its easy for some to think you can just turn off that"save you" switch but its not easy but MUST be done, Im still not there I want to save her still in dreams and memories at night. They get help or they die or kill someone or themselves on the road or at home or anywhere unless they TRULY belive they have a problem, you could bail him out, scream at him, you could take away keys, you can call a rehab, you can talk to doctors ect..... it means nothing at all unless they see it and are willing to make that first tiny step that is acutally a huge step in the long run if they succeed.

Im holding your hand tonight and just thankful for 2 things: You still have your loved one, I can only wish
: He didnt kill someone on the road, he got lucky this time .

Hodl onto whatefer Faith you have in life that makes you belive in hope and miracles and take care of YOU!. Im still Deeply Tryingg, dont know if I will make it to that place but I will try.

If Alanon Suits you its s a Place to try, cant Say it was for me perosnally but for many it can work, its a personal choice on how you work through this and others should always repsect that.

Seindning you lovee and prayers tonight.
DORTHy

[JAVISI]

Thank you all for your responses!
I just went to his first court date, I cried the entire time and it really wasn't much of a hearing, He was just bound over to district court. But when they spoke of the strick sentences he could get. I could have fainted. My health has been so poor.

I feel wore down and run down from my illness and everytime I think I am going to get over one crisis another one comes along. It is just nice to be able to talk to people that do not condem or try to make you feel bad!

Dorthy I am so sorry for your loss, I am so greatful that I still have him. I can't imagine the painh of your loss. I try so hard to be thankful. I want to just kiss him and love him. Itry to remember the serenity prayer and I pray every night. It helps some but not everything. When you are weak and tired things always seem so worse and I have been weak and tired for so long!

Thank you all so much for your support!
Love, Javisi:)

[dorothy from Oz]

oh Javis I know that must have been so hard for you. I remember having to call police one day in the late morning as my sibling had literly crashed onto something while on the phone with me of course I knew they were so drunk and it pained me knowing I had to call police for her own saftey as I sat here so ill and could do nothing, they (police) told me where(what hospital to go to) and she was totally insane from Alcohol and tied down, they let me in to calm her, I wont even go there as to what transpired it was so horrifying, then I looked at her boyfriend with my daughter (who took me as Im disabled) and I told him" leave her now, you cannot keep enableing her, she is going to die", the day she did he said to me on the phone" why didnt I listen to you you told me she would die", some people just never get it, I didnt really either in that I thought I could save her, but I couldnt so I will try to help others realize that if I can, and in a peaceful loving way. I dont like most alcoholism boards because I didnt find much warmth or understanding of how hard it is to love someone so much and watch them do this, and I see people destroyed over losing someone very old and has lived a good life, everyones pain is so individual, doesnt mean I can relate to someone freaking of loss of someone who has lived a very very long good life proably because I have almost lost mine so many times. The serinity prayer is a good one it covers all basis, learned it years and years ago for another sibling, didnt help me I was quite young then, donest help me now either, but praying DOES help me.

Im going to say a prayer for you today for your own feelings of loss and helplessness and for your son to hit bottom hard enough that the only way he can go is UP.

Hugs
Dorothy, anytime feel free to write me, I never EVER thought I would be helping about my sibling, Alcohol and Brain tumors just really dont mix do they:(

[Kaiti]

Jav and Dorothy,
You are both in my prayers today.

Dorothy, I am sorry to see such loss from yoru family. You are an angel sent to help someone somewhere. You tried to help your siblings b/f and as you say, some people just don't get it. It took me, myself to open up my own eyes and look around me to realize I needed help for myself. Here I was tryign to help my husband and wanting to help others, but that was the pot calling the kettle black on my end. I have been with out a drinmk or medication for a month and a half....seems like whoopie sometimes, then other times is like an eternity....but it is going.

Please let us know if we can do anything for you as well. We are here and warm hearted.......

Jav, keep us posted on your son, just to vent if you need to.
Take Care
Kaiti

[JAVISI]

Dorthy and Kati,
I am so sorry for your losses. I am so greatful that he is alive. I hope that it truely has awakened him. He seems sincere?? I went to his hearing on the 8th. When I walked in the court room with my dad, I began to cry immediatly. It hurts to see him in shackles. I know that you are not supposed to talk to prisoners but I blurted out "I love you Travis" He replied " I love you mom"!
I cried when I heard what he could be sentenced to:eek: ! The officer bringing him back to the jail was nice. I asked if I held my hands back could I kiss him on the cheek, Of course he said No but he said that Travis is a good kid and he let me talk to him for awhile in the hall and ride down the elevator with him. I was happy to talk to him without glass in between us:) .

I did hear some good news, The County Attorney told my sons Lawyer that from the video tape you could tell that he tried to stop and not hit the cop car or the officer! Even drunk he isn't a mean spirited person. He never has been. He has been bound over to District Court, his next hearing is March 7th.

In the paper today the officer that was struck and shot at my son's head. His daughter is being arrainned in court on the 7th for methanphetamine charges. He also lost a son less than a year ago in Iraq. I do feel bad for him. What awful things happen to many people no matter who you are.

I am living with my parents right now since my divorce. My mom is an alcoholic. Most days I feel like I could go crazy!! I wish their was no such thing as alcohol or drugs. The only thing that I have ever seen come from it is Pain, dispair and ruination of lives and all the people that are surrounded by it!:(

I am so glad I never fell into that problem, I continued the cycle by marrying an alcoholic. I hurt my kids in that respect. I would love to go back and change things. I want the cycle broken!!

Thanks to all for the support:)
Love, Javisi;)

[Kaiti]

Javisi, sorry I missed this post before I saw the other one.

I am glad that you have never fell into the problem of abuse. We can all coulda/shoulda/woulda all day long, and it doesnt' change anything. The only thing we can do is have an effect on the future. Hopefully you are doing the best you can, with what you have and that is what counts.

Glad to se the officer was understandign enough to let you talk to your son. How is your grand daughter doing? Hopefully this will eb a turning point in yoru son's life to realize how much he has and how much he can truly offer this world.

Take Care
Kaiti

[JAVISI]

Kati, and Dorthy,
I am so frustrated. My son asked for help and after over 5 weeks he has received NONE! The county jail has decided to try to find someone themself. So I guess they can take their sweet time. My son has put in for AA 15 times and has received no help at all.

He was so depressed on Sunday, He didn't care if he ever got help or not, he is giving up! It is really hurtful to see him not care. He asked for help and it is not and has not been provided! My hands are tied. Why wouldn't they want to help people when they ask fo0r it! It may have been the golden opportunity and it may be lost! Hpw sad for him and soo many other that have been before him and after him!

I am trying to stay positive but it was sad to see him not care what happens to him now!:(

His daughter, has the chicken pox right now, he has not seen her since being incarcerated. He misses her terribly. Her mom keeps telling her that he is on Vacation?
Thanks for keeping me and my son in your thoughts,
Dream Big,with hope for Inner Peace to all!, Laurie;)