Just lost my Dad this week

[Jibokri5]

I just lost my Dad on Monday. :( I moved back to my Parents home to take care of my Dad who had lung cancer in June. Everything was going well. We were hopeful. The past week, he did a rapid decline, stopped eating, wouldn't drink and could not walk or stand at all.

I was with him, along with my Mom and Siblings, we sat by his bed at home, and for 4 hours watched him struggling to breathe. We put his favorite song on in the background, "You raise me up" and Mom and His song, "Through the years". I was rubbing his arm when he took his last breath. The Hospice nurse came in and he had no blood pressure, his skin was mottled from head to toe, prior to his passing. I kept him comfortable with morphine and ativan. He didn't want to go, nor did he know how sick he really was, he always had hope and faith that he would he would live and beat this. He would say he was really trying to do what the docs said, meaning stay hydrated and resting.

I remember the quiet moments we had, when he said he was afraid. Thats what makes me feel very ill in my heart and soul. You see, my Dad was the strongest and toughest most gentle person anyone had ever met. He's the only man who could cut his finger so deep, it would be hanging off and he'd put electrical tape on it and keep on working. He never ever complained.

My Dad was only 71 yrs young. His wake Thursday night had well over 500 people, alot of them, I didn't know, but they told us stories how my Dad touched thier lives and how much he'll be missed and how he helped them.

He loved Mom and us kids and the Grandchildren SO much. His pleasure was seeing us all happy. His Funeral was Friday. Since June, I helped Mom take care of him 24/7, he's my Dad and I am glad I was there. My heart aches so deeply. My Daddy is gone. I keep telling myself, he hears me when I talk to him now, he will be a special Angel watching over me and my family.

I'm trying to find comfort, but having trouble. We told Dad it was okay to let go, he didn't want to I think, he fought so hard until his last breath when his heart just gave out. I think he was afraid to go, but more that he didn't want to leave us, because he knows how much it would hurt.

How do I find comfort? I miss and love my Dad so very much. I am staying strong for my Mom, and I know he'd be proud of me for that. There is so much I should have said, but I know he heard me when I told him that I loved him. He couldn't speak, his eyes were glazed over, not sure what he was seeing, but I have to believe he could hear us in those last 4 hours.

Until we meet again Dad, I love you! How do you cope and get through this?

Love,
Your Daughter

[The Dude]

Oh my lord...... http://www.myfilestash.com/userfiles/thedude/cry.gif

@ least you were with your dad,thats the important thing :)

And someday you will see him again honey!!

God bless you...I will pray that things will get easier for you!!

Peace and love to you and your family :)

http://img138.**********.us/img138/435/grouphugym7.gif

[empathy]

We live on in others' memories, as your Dad will live on in yours.

empathy

ps. I lost my Dad over five years ago, and still haven't fully gotten over it -- but, we adjust and adapt.

[mama sue]

:( I am so sorry for your loss. You know that there are many here that will support you through this. It's never easy and I (personally) don't think you ever get over a death. You just learn to live differently. I know the only thing that got me through the death of my tow boys and my mom all in a 4yr period was faith. My Redeemer lives and therefore I know that someday I will be with them all again. I hope that you can grasp onto your faith and KNOW that He will carry you through. My heart hurts for you :( Please keep us posted.........friends on this board will also lift you up.

(((HUGS)))

[Jibokri5]

Thank you. Your words have touched me deeply and I too am very sorry for your losses. :(

People kept telling me, "You have to cry, you have to let it out". I did cry after his last breath, uncontrollably, I ran from his bedroom and outside, and it all came out. Since then, I have kept it in. I whispered to my Dad prior to that breath, "Its okay, I will take care of Mom and I will be strong and I will be okay, I PROMISE". When I feel it welling up inside me, I remember my promise to my Dad. He wouldn't want me crying, although my Dad was very sensitive himself and cried when my Gram, his Mom passed suddenly. My Dad would ache if he saw me crying, he felt so much for us. He did everything to make us happy. He lived for us.

Being here, taking care of him, he knew I was here with Mom helping. I was in denial though. I wouldn't allow myself to think something was wrong. It wasn't the lung cancer that took him, he developed "chemo brain", like dementia from it. He was confused at times, but he was living in happier times most of the time(when he was working and 1st married and us kids were young) he kept saying, "I have to go to work", which gave me comfort. He was a happy confused alot of times. Those lucid moments though, thats what got to me. He asked if there was "a cure" for it, the confusion. He would say, "Thank God the cancer has shrunk". It did from the 1st chemo and radiation, but he couldn't have anymore, it was just too toxic for him due to heart problems he had and Parkinsons that was just diagnosed.

I feel so numb in an odd sense. The morning he passed, Mom and I went in and I said cheerfully, "Good Morning Dad, we are going to wash you and sit you up, its a beautiful day out". I'll never forget pulling down the sheet and seeing his skin all mottled. He just stared at me blankly, but I saw the tears welling up in his eyes. My heart sank and all I could say was, "its okay Dad". I joked with him while we dressed him, he just stared off into space and normally when we got him up in the morning, he would say, "please be careful(meaning for us, I have a bad spine and Mom is tiny)or he would grimace from the pain without saying anything. I had learned to watch for those signs of pain, as my Dad would never say, "I hurt", ever. That morning, nothing, no expression except tears in his eyes. I kept telling him, "I love you Dad, its okay". So did my Mom.

Dad and I would talk about the afterlife prior. I know its grief that makes me wonder now, "what if"? The Priest at his funeral mentioned that in his sermon. I guess thats normal to wonder. Me thinking that, "what if........", goes against everything I/We believe in. I do have Faith and I know that when the time comes, my Dad will be waiting for us. I find great comfort in that. I just wish I could get the "what if's" out of my mind that creep up on Me.

People keep telling me, "You've earned your place in Heaven for moving yourself, husband and boys in, and taking care of your Dad and helping your Mom". I did it not for that, but for my Parents, my Dad especially. His wish was to be at home, not in a hospital or a life care center or nursing home. We honored that wish. He was able to pass at home with his Family surrounding him. Although I'm sure he was not happy with us all hovering around him that day. He was so proud and never wanted us to see him hurting, because it hurt him to see us upset, nor did he like being treated like a child as he sometimes said. I did apologize to him for us hovering around him that day, but he knows us so well, we were not going to leave his side, we just couldn't. Inside I think he was thinking, "Enough already, don't you all have something to do?", he always said that to us and to me in particular, "Go take a nap or rest, you need it" or to Mom, "Why don't you go out shopping and buy yourself something, you don't have to sit in here with me". :)

I had also whispered to my Dad that day as we told him it was okay to let go, if he could give me a sign he was okay, anything. My Oldest had just left to go home that night, he is the Oldest Grandchild. My Dad could no longer stand or walk and he was so independent and he tried so hard to, it bothered him alot for us to have to transfer him from his bed to his recliner. Even after having both hips replaced, he still walked on his own, painful or not.

My Son had his radio off in his truck and it came on by itself. He has a CD changer/player and it skipped through 5 CD's to the 5th one and skipped ahead to the 14th song and started playing, "I can finally stand on my own two feet again and hold my head up high". :) My 20 yr old Son drove all the way back here crying and told me to come out to his truck to listen to the words. In the 3 yrs my Son has had that truck, it had never ever done that and has not done that again. I know it was a sign from my Dad, he knew my Son would tell me. The wording was appropriate too! My Dad must have been going through my Son's CD's and thinking, "What is this music he's listening to, kids these days"! :) LOL!

My Nephew, was sobbing that night uncontrollably and lying in bed with my Sister. She had just rolled over crying herself and He jumped up off the bed and said, "OMG, Mom, Mom, I just felt this huge warm hug around me, like arms around me, and it felt like someone was lifting me off the bed, I was scared at first, but then I felt calm, I thought it was You or Dad hugging and lifting me up, but it wasn't, it was Papa"! My Sister said, "Thank You Dad". My Nephew then went to sleep. My Sis said, "If I wasn't there, I would have thought he was dreaming it, but he was awake and I saw him jump up and then he was calm and smiling". That was my Dad, so proud of his Grandchildren and giving us messages through them, I truly believe.

Both my Son and Nephew cannot stop talking about it. It was Me and my Sister who asked for signs!! Mom did too. My Dad knew my Mom took pleasure from reading all her newspapers. The day of the funeral, she read the paper. In it, she saw, Navy Corpsman in bold lettering, My Dad was one, the number they always played came out, and Their song was, "Through the Years", it was also in bold print, an article about "Through the years" and some story with the date November 15th, his Dad's B'day!!! She got her signs too. My Mom wasn't going to read the paper, but she said she felt compelled too that night.

Sorry for going on, I think writing this, helps me and having others reading, who understand, brings me peace and comfort. I've tried sitting in my Dads bedroom on his recliner and watching tv, to be close to him, but I get a very anxious feeling and a feeling in the pit of my stomach, I cannot shake. I know I have to wipe those final days out of mind, that was not my Dad. My Dad was the good memories, love and caring for us, not his final stuggle to stay alive and breathe. I guess it will take time.

Thank you for reading and helping me. I am sorry you've all been there though. My heart aches for you all too.

God Bless, from My Dad's "Bug"

[joy]

Dad's "bug" you are at a good place to share your grief. I too was with my daddy at his last breath in 1966 and also with my mother in 2004. Both were hard to witness but NOT being with them would have been far worse on me. Even as a child I would try and stay with my pets and wild animals I found when they were sick and especially if I thought they were dying. Continue to come here and share with others anytime you need to.

[froglady42]

I wish to offer my condolences.
Having lost both my own parents, of course I know how difficult it is. My dad's been gone (pancreatic cancer) since '83 and had a really tough time with almost two years of light chemo,,,,,which could do little more than slow the growth,,,,,,,and then when the end came it was as bad as if we hadn't known what was going to happen. I don't think anyone ever gets used to the fact that they are going to lose a loved one. Dad was almost 76 years young.

My mom suffered from several heart conditions and for the last 3 years, I moved next door to her house and took care of her needs. She suffered a major heart attack the day after her 93rd birthday in October of '99 and was very ill until her passing that same December. One of my other sisters from out of town spent almost that whole two months here helping me and another sister came from TN for the last two weeks and mama needed almost round the clock care. It takes a good while to get over the grief,,,,,,especially if you lived with them,,,because you miss them more, I guess. I stayed on the old homeplace though, and as time went on, it has brought me great pleasure to be near her belongings, the old homeplace, the memories that were started here for me, and always included family. I don't think you ever get over missing them,,,,,,,,,but the pain recedes and the more you talk about the good times when they were alive, the quicker the grief fades. Come back, and tell us of when you were younger and the way your dad was with your kids,,,,stories of what happened on one of your trips when you were young,,,,and other happy times and soon you will be celebrating the years he was still here with you, and you will know what it means for them to be alive in your heart......they will always be there,,,,,for that is where love lives.

[joy]

I think you hit the nail on the haed with your comment of "living with" someone. I think because I was still at home my daddys passing was worse on me than my brother because he had a wife and child to detract from his loss. Same with my mother. She had live with me for the last six years and I had stayed with her the previous one and half before I decided she needed to move in with me and my family. Boy was I ever torn. I too have a homeplace that I own. Brother already lives on his half. Can't say it is peaceful out there right now. If I could get the things out of the old house and get the yard cleaned, it would look right. I can't even keep my house I live in clean. But if it were possible to make it happen and I could live out there well yes, it would be nice to be on the land. My daddy just loved that place. Mother often wished it was all concret at fall, lol. It would have been her birthday October 4th so I have been awfully blue. She was an all day, everyday, part of my life and now she's gone. I really took her passing worse than daddy's. I was brave for mother's sake when daddy passed and went and got a job and started helping her out. I can usually sleep some at night now so I'm getting better. It takes time Jibokri5 so just go with it the best you can and come here when you need help.

[Maxs9th]

My thoughts are with you. My dad died in '93 of Leukemia, my mom in '99 of Lung Cancer. I was with my dad, he had a 6 week round of Chemo in preperation for a bone marrow transplant, had a 2 day remission and then they wanted to start chemo again. He asked to go home - he was a fighter and didn't want to go either. He was brave for us and for mom. Now, 13 years later I can look back and see what a gift he gave us all when he asked to come home. We were able to spend time with him, just him - no doctors, no nurses - just us. He let us love him. He was surrounded by people who loved him - just like your dad. Some day when it doesn't hurt as much you will feel the joy of that gift. I remember thinking after he finally let go that death was a lot like birth. I had been a labor coach for my niece that year and the process of passing from one phase to the next struck me as being very similar. My great-nephew struggled to be born - didn't want to emerge from his warm, safe nest. My niece struggled in pain to bring him into the world...my dad didn't want to leave this world, struggled to stay, we struggled in pain watching him let go - I imagined him being delivered back into his mother's warm, safe love on the other side - in her heart only joy. I too struggled with doubt, with faith -went to the priest, asked why...I still wonder where he is, what it is like, how it feels, if he remembers our love. Sometimes I feel like I have visits in my dreams - or I hear my parents favorite song, "Always" by Irving Berlin, and I know that he lives on, especially in the eyes and hearts of my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews and their children. Take care of yourself and your mom, let your family love you and comfort you.
Gabrielle

[mamafigure]

My thoughts are with you. When you lose a parent, it seems that you lose part of your past, and that has to be so hard.

I felt that way when my grandfather died. I am lucky that my parents are alive, but I lost a son and that haunts me daily.

mama

[mama sue]

Your words gave me goose-bumps. I was with my Mama and both of my boys when they went to be with Jesus. The signs you witness are real. It is amazing how much those signs help us through our grief. (((HUGS))) to all of you. Just to share an amazing sign I received.....

My oldest son Bobby....After Bobby died I could not sleep, for every time I closed my eyes I would see his last breaths as he struggled. I prayed every day that God would take that image away. Finally one night I slept and had the most wonderful image in my vision.....My son who could not walk or talk had one word that he spoke and retained throughout his eight years of life. That word was good and he always said "good, good, good". Always repeating it three times. Well.....in this dream I was seeing a field of flowers with a lake and I felt someone looking at me. I turned and I saw Bobby WALKING!!!!! The only thing that took place was once our eyes met he said, "It's good, good, good here Mom". Ane he turned and walked away. I'm telling you it was SOOOOO real. I've never dreamed the dreadful dream of him dying again. Thank you Jesus...

I also recall, (Bobby passed away on Saturday between Good Friday and Easter) As I sat out on my back deck crying....I remember talking to God about how His Son rose on the third day....now my son was rising to live with Him forever. As I spoke these words with my eyes towards heaven, I saw a star shooting upwards. That brought so Much comfort to me.

I am still awaiting my sign from my precious Matthew, but God's timing will allow it when He feels I'm ready. All I DO know is that my boys are playing and finally able to do all the things they were never allowed to do here on earth.


Much love to all of you and may you all know that your loved ones would be glad that we can all share and help each other. (((HUGS)))

[GUMBY]

You were wonderful to your Dad. I am sorry to you and your family for your loss.

I felt compelled to post to you.

I too lost my great Dad, 17 months ago.

Your story hit home to me in so many ways, so many similiar stories and feeling, it is uncanny.

I will post more when I can but I wanted to tell you, it does get better, if that is what one can call it. It will. Death is sad, very sad but memories are great.

I cannot believe reading your story so many of the same ways your Dad and my Dad shared.

It is ok to cry and mourn for as long as it takes.No, your Dad nor mine would want that but it's ok, between you and me. That was great that you let your Dad know you would take care of your Mom. He heard you and I'm sure that was a relief for your Dad.

I, too thought my Dad had a chance. My sister said after she knew. I thought there was some shot.My Dad had end stage copd and lung cancer and was just short of the five year mark after having prostate cancer. We thought he had it beat.My Dad was hallucinating for the last three nights at home. They were also happy sighting, animals which he loved, work related and things in the yard.He went bad fast at the very end too. The severe decline. Dad was waitIng on a bed in the hospital which he agreed to with his doctor. We were waiting on a bed, as not to have him in the e.r. He was jumping up or trying to and like with your father, he could not stand safely. I was up day and night. Dad was having a tough time breathing, at night it was rough.We really thought it was going to be just that and Dad would get back home. I saw the decline though, the weight dropping, he had so many allergies to the pain meds, his basically had no lung left, i knew months prior.

Dad was a fighter though.Dad used to say if I could just get better and my heart would sink because I knew it was not going to happen. It's a long story of what happened and to this day I think over and over again. I know though there was no cure, no other options that Dad would of wanted.It was all about comfort and dignity.His wonderful doctor did everything he could and never let Dad down.There was nothing left medically left to do to save my Dad. God knows when to take our wonderful loved ones under His Wing.

You will always be close to you Dad,always. They are here with us. I was never a believer in signs. Since my Dad passed, my sister, my niece, Mom and myself have all had signs from Dad. I really never ever believed it in. Now my Mom and sis did.

My Dad always liked his lotto tickets and those scrath off ones. A couple of dollars a day. Well, I the last one who knew what all the different games were or how to play 50/50 whatever would wind up coming home with the wrong numbers, the wrong way, the wrong day whatever. I was punch drunk half the time. Dad would roll his eyes and then just say it's ok. He could never figure out what was wrong with me with playing lotto.

Anyway, this is the GOD'S truth.Since Dad has passed, my mother has dreamt of numbers three times and myself who never remembers a dream. I always dream about Dad on the day he passed every month. I woke up and said I have to remember these numbers. So the great lotto player I am, they send me to play. I played the number bacKwards once, the wrong number, one off another time, did not play long enough. Well anyway to make a long story short, every number has come in five times. Did I play, right, long enough, noooooooooo. I started to tell one of Dad's buddies on the block about it. Guess what he won. He the neighbor said your Dad always said you messed it up in a joking way.I have to play longer, the longest time it came in was two weeks. My neighbor listened and they called me that night. I almost fell over.I can only think what Dad is saying. My neighbor came out a made a toast to Dad.

At Dad's grave one cold day, my niece and I arranging the decorations at Dad's grave. All of a sudden a ladybug flew up on me. I thought it was odd since it was cold out. I took the ladybug and put it on Dad's headstone.It flew off again and I was bending over fixing the decorations again and it flew by my hand. My niece and I said that's strange. We both looked at each other and said, it's Grandpa. He is letting us know, he is free, flying around, busy as a bee like he used to be.

The sign's will come to you. Like you said and I feel the same way, when I think of the finals days. It is hard. Your Dad was cared for in such a caring , loving way. Take comfort in your care and love you showed. Your Dad knew that. It will get better, trust me, it will take time. Always remember memories are great.

ps my Dad would get up every morning when able and get the coffee going, wash up, dress, eat and out the door to be out with his dog, his best buddy and go sit on his bench in front of the house. It really was the meeting place for Dad and all his friends, neighbors, kids, everyones dog, you name it. Dad's bench is still there. We painted it to keep it like new. I for a while really could not sit there, i would sit on the stoop instead with Dad's buddy. {dog] I now sit there on the bench on the days I can with the dog and think fondly of Dad.
You will find peace in time. There are so many similiar things in your story about your Dad and mine, I will write more when I can. I wish you and your family well. You will find peace in time. Always keep the memories close in your heart.

[Diandra]

Hi,
Here is a poem that helped me a great deal when I lost someone I dearly loved over a year ago. Hope it helps some tiny bit.
You are in my prayers, Diandra

The Day God Called You Home

God looked around his garden,
And he found an empty place.
He then looked down upon this Earth,
And saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you,
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful,
He always takes the best.
He knew you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never,
Get well on Earth again.
He saw that the road was getting rough,
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He closed your weary eyelids
And whispered, “Peace be Thine”.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn’t go alone.
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.

[mama sue]

Simply beautiful.................

[juliekingsley101]

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain must be unbearable. Grieve at your own pace. You have started the grieving process by sharing here. Some people who have lost someone go for grief therapy with a professionally triained therapist. Not because they are "nuts", far from it. But because it helps. Others try to work on it by themselves. The main thing is to express your grief. Writing about it, talking about it or any other way you see fit. I am so sorry for your loss.

Julie

[Alyssa]

My most heartfelt sympathy in the time of your loss.

I know your pain, I have been in mourning for the past year since the death of my sister 9/6/05. She unexpectedly died from a massive stroke after leaving her doctor's office. I couldn't stop the tears, my heart physically hurt in my chest, I felt like I had totally lost myself, she was my rock, my heart, my best friend, and in an instant she was gone. It is an undescribable emptiness that haunts. I would wake up every night at the time of her death, if I could even get to sleep at all. Everything made the tears fall, nothing else meant very much to me any longer. I had told my sister that it was "okay to go home, that we would be okay", but as my pain deepened I turned that statement to her that I made out of deepest love for her into my guilt, like I lied to her telling her that, I didn't want her to suffer in order to live though, but I wasn't okay and didn't think I ever would be again. At every "first" without her I would spend that day alone, crying until my eyes were so swollen I could no longer see at all, it was heart wrenching for my friends and family who eventually became frustrated at their inability to help me to not hurt so badly. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone handles it differently. I do know you don't "get over it" but time makes it more manageable, time makes it easier to cope. Take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time, it doesnt' go away, but eventually it is not the priority of every thought. I believe in signs, I sometimes smell my sister's perfume, I sometimes hear her voice in my head just as if she is right there with me, telling me "I love you, sweetie" when I am really having a rough day, it makes me feel better. The one year of her death my brothers and sister set a memorial stone for her and spent the day together, I live several states away and could not be there, at the time that they were doing this it was cloudy and very windy where I was and I was crying cause I knew that was the time they were doing it. The wind just suddenly stopped and I looked up at the sky and in the clouds was perfect heart in those solid clouds, with the bluest sky behind it. My husband said that had he not seen that with his own eyes he would swear I was losing my mind. I felt the calmness and peace you described, and I felt her with me even if it may have just been in my heart. Sometimes something still triggers the tears and that aching in my heart lets me know that it hasn't left me but is just resting there, but it isn't as long and it isn't so severe that I can't regain control of it pretty quickly now. My other sister made a memory book for all of us with pictures of family events, she said it was good therapy for her and helped her with her grief, I made a memory disc and got a memorial tattoo that I had drawn with elements from her life and her death, that started to help me rejoin the living again out of the depths of my grief, and I write poetry to express it, sometimes it helps someone else too.

(untitled)

I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, THINK OF ME IN YOUR MIND'S EYE.
WATCH ME SOARING AS AN EAGLE IN THE BRIGHT BLUE MORNING SKY.

I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, FEEL ME IN YOUR HEART.
WHENEVER THERE'S AN END THERE'S ALWAYS A NEW START.

I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, FEEL THE BREEZE UPON YOUR FACE.
I WATCH OVER YOU FROM HEAVEN AND HERE I SAVE YOUR PLACE.

I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS; YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS SO.
AND I WILL BE THERE ALWAYS UNTIL YOUR TIME TO GO.

I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, ANGEL KISSES ON YOUR CHEEK.
I TRULY WISH THAT I HAD ALL THE ANSWERS THAT YOU SEEK.

I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, AND ALWAYS I WILL BE.
JUST REMEMBER THAT WHAT'S THERE FOR YOU ISN'T ALWAYS WHAT YOU CAN SEE.

Until Next Time~Alyssa

[swirlgirl]

Hi Jibokri5 -
I really do feel for you right now. My mother just died on October 9, 2006. We just had the wake and funeral Sun and Mon of this week.

I too feel numb most of the time. My mom had an aneurysm rupture on 9/16 - she made it to the hospital, they flew her to another hospital for help. The hospital was top notch, too, one of the best in the country for this. After a bleed, the big concerns are stopping the bleed (ie surgery) and preventing the spasms that occur after a bleed. The whole story is on the Aneurysm page if you are interested, under "new and discouraged".

But getting back to this subject....we spent alot of time at the hospital...a family member was with her nearly all the time. It was about an hour and a half drive for my dad and I, and that was when traffic was good. On a bad day, it could be double that. We did that for about a month....until we saw the CT scan. For many reasons, treatment was particularly difficult and the usual treatments didn't work. She had a massive stroke. Like your dad, she was a very proud and strong person. She would have hated to live the way she would have to.... and worst of all, she would not have been able to understand language, nor speak. She would have been isolated beyond what could have been tolerable. So, in the end, we had the tubes removed and allowed nature to take over. She passed away 47 hours later, peacefully. We were there.

Like you, we were all with her at the end. I am eternally grateful for that, and although she was not at home, the staff at this hospital were so caring and compassionate and respectful of our needs at this time that I cannot regret being there.

I also promised her...to take care of her grandson, they were so close. And that I would be strong, that we would be okay, and that it was okay to let go. Those are such hard words to say, aren't they? But we have to be, to allow them to go on, to move to a better place. I guess I have not had time yet to really grieve, although it wells up in me too. And I also push it back down.....I have to be strong. But Lord, it hurts so so bad at times.....

I loved your story about the music!! We also had a very unusual thing happen after mom passed. A couple minutes after, maybe 2 or 3 minutes, my sister's cell phone started going off. It was the alarm on the phone. What is so strange about it is that earlier that day she had commented in the room, that she had an icon on her phone for her alarm, but didn't know how to work it. My dad said, well, we'd all been making calls in the night, maybe she hit a button accidentally. My sister's husband took the phone to turn off the alarm. He discovered that to get to the place where you set the alarm, you had to go through 3 or 4 different screens. It could not have been set accidentally. I believe it was mom, saying, "i'm okay, I made it here...I love you".

It does help to talk about it, with people that have been through it. I'm glad this is here to be able to let it out. Sometimes I think about how bruised and battered her body was after all the needles, surgeries, and equipment. Or about how they had to invoke pain at times to test her responses. How at times, I would just look at her and barely be able to see her for who she had been....she was only 60 years old. Big scars across her head, no hair.
But most of the time, I remember her the way she was the night before, or the days before...or things that we did and how happy she was then .

Anyway, sorry this is so long.....guess this is my way of grieving too. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.
Swirlgirl

[debozilla]

Oh my dear, I understand where ur coming from, my dad passed away on July 12th and my doggie on the 14th. Dads birthday was the 6th and went to the garden wall where his ashes were placed. Me and my mom just talked to him and told him how hard it is to go on without u with us. Everytime I go over to mom's I expect to see him sitting in his easy chair. Feel blessed that u got to be with him when he passed, my dad died in a nursing home. Best, Nancy

[Boopers]

As I read your post, I am crying uncontrollably. I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad.
I, too, lost my Dad almost nine years ago now. I wasn't with him as he died in his sleep from an aneurysm.
As he lay in his casket, I bent down and kissed his cheek and promised him I would take care of Mom.
I fullfilled that promise. She lived four years after him, so I lost her almost five years ago. During her last few months of life, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. When I took her to the doctor in January, she was in so much more pain. The doctor checked her and she asked him if she would make it to the summer. I will never forget the look on the doctors face when he shook his head No. She said well, then, will I make it til Easter, again he shook his head No. So, with that, she didn't ask anymore questions. When I took her home, I went home and packed my clothes to go stay with her. My husband understood and helped all he could. I was sitting on my bed the next day, and it was like all of a sudden, I saw a vision, it was sooo real. I saw God reaching down from the heavens and with his outstretched arms, he was picking my Mother up and lifting her to the heavens. She was wearing the most beautiful long white gown. I immediately ran into the living room where Mom was and told her that everything was going to be OK. She said, what happened as she said the look on my face was so different. I told her my vision and we both started crying. She said I know honey, everything is going to be OK. She said, you know how much I have missed your dad, I want to go be with him now. She said, you have a family of your own now and you will be OK. She said, whenever you need me, just think of me and you will feel my arms around you. To this day, I still feel her arms, when I am really down.
She wanted to go to town and buy a new dress for her funeral. It was almost more than I could bare, but I took her to town and she picked out the most beautiful white long dress.
She passed away three weeks later. She went into a coma the night before she passed and I didn't call anyone. I stayed up all night with her and laid beside her and talked to her. I guess you could say I was selfish as I wanted her all to myself.
The next morning, I called my husband and he called my brothers. That morning as I held her hand, she took her last breathe. Before she passed, I told her to give dad a kiss for me and even though she was in a coma, she smiled. I knew she could hear me and that gave me peace.
So, I do know your sorrow and it takes time, alot of time to start to feel again. I was so numb for several years.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you that have lost a parent, a grandparent, a sibling or child.
It is one of the most difficult things we have to go through. For those that believe there is an after life, that is our only salvation, that we will see them again someday.
Bless you all,
Linda

[Hanna]

I am crying too. I wish I didn't see this thread. I lost my daddy just Oct 27th. He waited for me to come visit from Paris where I live. I had to finish my radiation. Everyone said he no longer talked but he did with me he gave me three and half days. He told me he loved me and his son in law. He loved my children. I put my ipod to his ear and we listened to his favourite music. I told him stories. In his last week, I spent, 15 hours a day whereas other members came in and out. I saw a rapid decline in his health when he realized I was there. He waited for me to let go. I couldn't come earlier because of my health. In his last hour, one sister came in, when he realized she was going to stay until the end, he let go. I thought I would have to be alone with God and my father but we held hands and he took a half hour to leave this world.

I miss my best friend. We would talk everyday whether he lived in Spain or the US. I don't know how to get over grieving.

[gambles]

I lost my father a few years ago Jan 20. I thought I would never make it, but I knew I had to be there for my mother. I promised my father that I would take care of her.

Most of what you wrote describes my husband though. I lost him to cancer right before this Christmas. He also went from fine to fast decline. Actually that is something I am thankful for. He was so scared and was fighting so hard to live, that if it had gone on for more than five days, it wouldn't have been good for either one of us. I held him as best I could so as not to impede his shallow breathing. I put on songs and sang and I also put in a Laker's CD he hadn't gotten around to listening to. I strongly believe my husband heard me in those last hours. At one point, one eye sparkled open. I quickly put his glasses on and I could see life. Then after a few minutes, he fell back asleep.

I didn't read all the other posts. I can't. I'm just too raw myself. I'm disabled and homebound so I have nothing to do but sit here and cry. I do know that things don't get better as fast as people make you think. Whatever schedule your heart is on is perfectly fine. It is also fine to go back and forth in emotions.

My mother keep s telling me that irrational anger at my husband will eventually set in. So far it hasn't and I can't even imagine it, but I am trying to prepare myself anyway. Even years later she still bounces around in the stages of grief.

I wish there was a pill would could take when the pain gets so excruciating and the loneliness lets my mind go to scary places, but rationally I know that I will never heal unless I go through this. There is no shortcut; there is no way around, over, or under the pain - just straight through it.

As for comfort, I'm sorry, but it is too soon probably. Everyone's process is different, but you are raw. I imagine typing your post helped some, but don't hunt for comfort. Try, as hard as this sounds, to just let emotions wash over you as they come. Eventually happy memories become happy again instead of painful as they probably are now. I'm at that point with my father. I can think of him without crying and just appreciate all he is/was. My husband is another story. Since it is so very new, every single thing is excruciating - even looking at my wedding ring! Knowing that those happy times will never be mine again. I know eventually I'll get to the point I'm at with my father's passing. I dread going through this again so soon, but as you know, we have no choice.

It isn't too late to say thing you need to say. Just sit down and say them outloud. I truly believe he will hear you.

Everyone told me to tell my husband it was ok to let go - that I would be ok. It got to the point that I felt like I was practically kicking him out (from his point of view) He was supposed to be having a chemoembulization on the day he died! He was determine to get to it. He refused to believe he was too weak to tolerate it. We had to have hospice lie and say they were nurses from the doctor's office. My husband absolutely, positively was determined to fight to live and that is how he lived for 4 1/2 years with a liver riddled with tumors. Now I feel quilty for telling him I would be ok. I'm NOT ok. I'll never be ok again. I added that to my post on the off chance that that was another thing we are both feeling.

How do you cope and get through this?? Minute by minute, then hour by hour, than day by day, etc until suddenly you are living again. Posting or even attending meetings might be helpful also. If you are a reader, there are a lot of books that might be helpful. Just be careful to get recommendations so you are reading things that match your belief system and are beneficial to you.

I'll stop babbling now. I just scrolled down and found your followup post. That thing about the song in the truck is absolutely AWESOME! There is a memory to hold on to tightly.

Best Wishes (to us all I guess)
Suzanne

[The Dude]

God bless you honey,i hope your continuing to strengthen and heal (If its at all possible)

Peace and love :)

[atypicaljane]

Hi everyone,

I lost my 12 yr old girl 2 years ago this past January to an unexpected Illness and although I dont normally post about it, I wanted you all to know that I understand your enormous pain, and love and faith.

Sometimes I wish I could write about her for hours, maybe one day I will be able to do that without feeling so much pain.

my mom had a heart attack 3 years ago and although she has lived a very undesirable lifestyle of alcohol and drugs, and my siblings and I had prepared ourselves for the "call" when I actually did get the call saying you have to come to the hospital I was in shock. I guess we all truly believe our parents are invincible ( I do anyhow)) and we seem to believe as well that we are too out live our children, but sometime times God need smaller angels.

peace and love to all

Jane ( Atypicaljane)

[hopefulgal]

When you promised your Dad you would be strong and you would be okay, that doesn;t mean you can't cry or feel sad about missing him. Don't let anyone else tell you how to feel, or when you should cry or anything. It happens as you can handle it.

Here are some things that help me cope.

~Writing, like you are. Helping others with the experience.
~Holding something he did, like his woodcarvings, his keycase, or wearing one of his sweaters.
~Talking to him. Best done when you're alone so people don't think you're nuts!
~Checking on the growth of the trees he gave me.
~Reading his old letters, writings, and day journals. He recorded the top five events of each day since the 1960's, and its humorous.
~Using his tools, making his favorite cookies, or watching a movie we both liked.

For months, I couldn't even look at a photo of him without breaking out in gutteral sobs, but now I can, and I might still get a little teary eyed, but time itself heals.

You also mentioned your faith, and your Dad wondering what would become of him. My Dad never belonged to a church, but he led a very good life. Reading Ezekiel 18 verses 5-9 helped me to feel better about this.

Lisa

[Hanna]

I am crying again. I do take down his pictures and my little one who is almost thirteen puts them up. I wear one of his sweaters and get told off that it was grandpas. I see things we did together in Paris and burst into tears. Park benches we sat on and want to tell everyone that they are mine. I remember funny stories and try to tell the kids. They don't know that I have the same genetic syndrome as he. The outcome can be different but it scares the jeebers out of me. I dreamt about him the other day saying I should take better care of my mother but " you were so angry at her when you died. he said he had gotten over it now it is her time". She lives in the States. i live in france. Taking care of her means her coming back to Europe. She is trying to get along. It is amazing after all these years. I need to go get a tissue....