Feeling Really Overwhelmed!

[Fayelle]

Well the process is still moving along....

Dad is in a nursing center until the 21st....

However he told me he has pneumonia, well with the cancer, asthma, hepititis, and low white blood count I am concerned he wont be able to travel if he has pneumonia....I am concerned he is going to die on me before I can get him out here :(.....

I also have 3 kids, one of them being a 13 year old who I was already about to lock into a closet for being 13 and difficult.....She is being 13 as usual and selfish as normal....I am not sure I can take her and deal with my father who is not a typical adult as it is....He may as well be a 13 year old too, only he has rights.....

All she does is argue, all she wants is what she wants when she wants it....She won't take no for any answer....Hubby has been at work so I have been dealing with her all by myself.....I am really upset with myself because we made her this way....She has no empathy and zero ability to think about anyone else.....She is belligerant and argumentative.....I am not sure I can take her and this......

Plus the issue of my own health, my husbands ever demanding job.....

My brain is about to explode and my father isn't even out here yet......

So as it sounds I am completely overwhelmed already.....He isn't even here and I am overwhelmed.....He is good at laying on the guilt too.....I could not get him out here until the 21'st there were too many things to prepare, we even tried to go out there first so we could make his transition as easy as possible.....I feel guilty for feeling upset at his pressure, I feel guilty for not making all of this happen already.....

The crummy thing about it is that he has 3 other kids out there all adults, but he has burned his bridges so badly with them that they do not want to take care of him.....He has no one who can or will care for him but me....And now I feel guilty every time he says he doesn't know if he will make it another 2 weeks.....The doctor said that she felt he had extended his life by staying in the nursing facility....His past living conditions were abhorrant at best.....He also wants to be out of pain, but now is complaining that he feels overmedicated....He tells me things but wont tell his nursing or doctor staff and there is nothing I can do from here except make phone calls.....And then not until tomorrow morning.....

My mother, his ex wife of 25 years has been going out of her way to help, to take care of his dog, and to prepare his end of things to come out here.....

I am so frustrated by the whole thing.....

I expected for a long time to just get a phone call telling me that he was found murdered or dead somewhere, I never quite prepared for this...I resent my sisters and brother some because he never really treated me any better but I am going out of my way to try to make this happen....They cannot even be bothered to call him or visit him some in order to make the time pass quicker for him so he can remain somewhat patient.....If not for him at least for me because I am taking this on and they don't have to feel guilty for him dying somewhere and them not doing anything.....

Ok sorry for the vent I am just really frustrated and overwhelmed....I still have so much to do to get ready and I am afraid of what point we are at with his health......

Fay

[empathy]

Fay,

You're entitled to vent. The trick to family caregiving, is to not "give it your all", but hold something in reserve, so that you can pace yourself and be much more effective over the long term. Typically, housecleaning is the first routine to go out the window, as it starts looking less important when your time is taken up with other issues like healthcare (including safeguarding your own sanity).

Your Dad's "family" so you've a 'history' -- but still, you don't want to settle into a role of being the 'victim' of your circumstances here, nor even a 'role reversal' of your being the parent and his being the 'kid' being looked after, but instead, try to make the best of his remaining time, while putting yourself first.

Maybe his coming out to your place, is an opportunity to have a go at getting your kids to pitch in in some fashion towards helping take care of the house, and a few of his easier to handle needs.

empathy

ps. I've been the family caregiver for my parents: my Dad from 1994 to 2001, when he passed away after a couple of years in a nursing home (couldn't handle both of them at once, yet, it was more 'work' once he was placed in a home), and my Mother from 1995 to the present -- she's 90 now.

They both have moderate dementia issues and severe short term memory deficiencies. Dad also had Parkinson's, but ya just gotta take one day at a time. Taking time out for meditation breaks has been a lifesaver for me, along with aerobic exercise.

I've two siblings, one's estranged from the family and lives locally. The other's across country and is sympathetic, but not in a position to do much.

[trekker]

Dear Fay,

Boy, does some of this sound familiar. I have a MIL who is in a local nursing home and she is always complaining about something....mostly just to get me to come over there several times a week to entertain her. This nursing home is fairly decent, they try to keep her occupied and there is always something going on in the recreation room. I know that some of it is repetitive but it is live entertainment for an afternoon. The only days she is happy is on bingo day so she can win "snack" money....for snacks she isn't supposed to be eating of course. I have to call the nursing home often because of what she tells only me also. I have it arranged so that the nurse practitioner calls me when there are health issues, med changes, or when she sees her on her monthly visits.

You just have to realize that you are only one person and you are trying to juggle many things. There are only so many hours in the day to do this under the best of circumstances. Everybody can want a piece of your time but that doesn't mean that you can physically give it. You are going above and beyond the call of duty so be gentle with yourself, you are a wonderful and amazing person, you owe no one any better than the best that you can do.

They have meds now for pneumonia that they give for only 3 or 5 days. They are pretty strong and that may be contributing to his feelings about the medication. He might also not be eating right because he's not feeling well which would increase the over medicated feeling. Is it a long trip to get to your place? If not he should be able to travel even if on IV meds. They will simply give him a dose before he leaves and then the hospice would give him another when he got to your place.

When my DH was in a nursing home after his TBI he was impatient to get out of there too. He didn't feel his parents were making arrangements fast enough and so he started to will himself to die. We were feeding him and also giving him tube feedings at night but he was loosing 1 pound a week. He was getting out of there one way or another. It worked, lit a fire under his parents I'll tell you. As soon as he was home, the weight loss stopped.

Although it would be nice if your sisters and brother would visit, if their heads aren't in the right place it would probably turn out bad for both them and your Dad.

Don't know what to tell you about your daughter since we weren't blessed with children (is blessed the right word right now? LOL). Sometimes people surprise you, maybe she'll come around once her granddad gets there. Maybe you could find a forum for parents of teenagers where they could give you some help. Is there one here?

This forum is so you can vent, scream, stomp your feet, spit on your PC screen, whatever. Just keep talking to us so we can at least tell you that there will be better days and that we care that you are feeling overwhelmed and personally, I will say a prayer that the Powers That Be surround you and your family with feelings of peace and love.

Have a cup of tea or hot chocolate or take a nice warm bath, put on come comfy pj's and just enjoy some quiet time.

[Fayelle]

Thank you for your wisdom!

I appreciate you both for it....

I feel a little better today, and I just let it go for last night....

Mom said she would go to see him today and take him some things....Plus get him out for a few minutes so that takes some of the stress off....

When he does come out he will be on a 3 hour 45 minute plane ride unfortunately....But hopefully he will be able to handle it....

When he gets here I know it will be easier in some cases and harder in others....At least I can monitor things so I know how to respond.....

My mom keeps telling me to remember that I am doing all I can and that he is lucky I am doing that much. That I am going above and beyond considering the past.....If only I could get to that point LOL.....

Now if I could only get past that whole being one person thing....Perhaps I should call the makers of multiplicity to ask them the secret of cloning hehe....

Today I have a few errands to run (dealing with medicaid and social security, should be a fun filled day :) ), but on a plus note the kids will be in school....

Perhaps I will get a latte while I am out :) !

Thanks for the venting place and both of your wisdom, as well as understanding.....

Tomorrow is another day and this too shall pass.....

Now to get my feet wet in the mess that is dealing with government agencies tee hee.....

Fay

[Fayelle]

Things are better today....

feeling much less overwhelmed....I need to rememeber when my daughter has her moments that she is 13 and one day she will know that everything I ever did for her and expected from her came from a place of love and wanting the best for her....

She ended up getting her little heart broken by the very boy she was trying to see when we ended up fighting and of course I was able to come out a hero because I was there for her even though I was mad at her the day before....She realized that she was not right in the way she behaved after that....At least she doesn't hold a grudge too long hehe....

Dad does not have pneumonia, he thought so, he hadn't been told so....Most likely its his asthma and allergies acting up from the weather changes making it hard to breathe....possibly a cold....

11 days until he gets here....The times flies so fast....

Well at least its the holiday season, I always do better this time of year....

Fay

[joy]

Fay I just got through posting in alzheimers where I posted some when my mother was alive. I posted in caregiver support the most because that is where I did my venting. So vent away, it is good for you. Won't repeat everything I just put in the az post but will ask - does your father qualify for any help? I thought my mother would not since she was staying at my place. But she did in fact qualify and that gave me some much needed help. Check into that.

[Fayelle]

He is qualified for hospice, and we are already in touch with the hospice out here....They provide a lot of things fortunately.....Including respite care so it will be very helpful :) !

Thanks Joy

[Buttons2]

Fay, been following your story here, just want to say please take advantage of all the help you possibly can! Hold down on the stress as much as possible & make sure you test your b.sugar everyday! Stress like this has a way of sneaking up on you!

Take care of YOU,Buttons

[Tootsie]

Hi Fay,
I have just a few things to add to the excellent advice you've already been given.

I moved my mother into my home after she collapsed in her apartment and had a pacemaker installed. At the time, I did not realize she was in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease. Some of her things were sent by a cross country moving company, and I had a contract with a realtor to sell her condo before we left her it.

One of the most helpful things that I did, was to get a small, spiral notebook that I carried in my purse. On the inside cover I stapled her social security card, Railroad Retirement ID card. I then filled the pages with names, addresses and phone numbers, of her friends, her bank, her doctors, her medications, when they were started, the dosage, the dates Certificates of Deposit matured, etc. etc. etc. All the information was in ONE place and with me all the time.

The other thing I did, was decide what I was willing to do, and what would make me change the course of action. I decided that as long as the relationship between myself and my children and husband was not seriously damaged, and as long as I could continue my part time job, she could stay.

I was able to find day care for her in a private home while I was at work.
When that woman retired and moved away, I tried taking her to a wonderful day care program in a facility 30 miles away. I lasted 3 weeks before I realized that I could not take her there in the morning, go to work, go back to get her afterwards, cook supper for 7 people, and sleep at night! I had nightmares about the freeway drive. All 4 of my children were still at home, 3 of them old enough to drive.

Like most caregivers, I was overwhelmed with guilt. It seems to be a chronic condition among us. It has been a long time since I brought out the guilt to whip myself, as intellectually I know, that I did the best I could.
My husband and children were as supportive as anyone could ask. However, it was my 14 year old son, the baby, who said, "Yeah, we all do what Mom asks, but she has to decide what we should do."

You a fortunate to have the help of hospice. Twenty years ago there was no support anywhere, and no one wanted to talk about the lack of services in the community. Let us know how things are going. Cheerio.

[Fayelle]

Thanks Ladies,

I am very fortunate to have hospice....my mother did not have all of those advantages when she took in my grandmother....

The notebook thing is a great idea... I will most likely adopt that thanks Tootsie :) !

On the plus note I am a stay at home mom, and all of my kids are in school....He is also capable of many things still....He is not expected to live long both fortunate and unfortunate.....

Down to 3 days wow.....It is sneaking up on me!

Fay