how do Ihelp my daughter through a bad time emotionally?

[CathyE]

My 20 YO daughter arrived home yesterday for a visit and a break from her boyfriend. They moved to Calgary Alberta in October. It seems like her boyfriend is always doing stuff with a group of friends & Lindsay says they don't have any time for just themselves. She's always invited to go, but just doesn't like to be with a crowd all the time. I don't blame her. He's no longer treating her like she's special, just one of the “gang”. I am afraid it will lead to a break up. If they want different life styles, it just won't work. But there is a possibility of compromise! I hope.

To make things worse, she is so disappointed that
Her friends here did not give her a big welcome back (I
don't mean a party), just sort or acted indifferent. I
think it is the stage in their lives. Their boy friends
are their priority now. What a change in only 3 months!

So, she feels she doesn't belong out west or back
home. Any advice??? She wants it to work out with
her & her boyfriend, but she wasn't ready for a permanent move out west. I guess she's like me, I really form
"roots" for where I live. And believe it or not, all my
close friends are ones I've had since grade 7 and high
school.

I probably could have made friends but working full
time & raising a family was my priority. And while I
had "friends" at work, none of them socialized after
work either. So we were "work friends". Now that I’m on disability we barely keep in touch. (and only with one of them)

Oh the pain we feel for our children!

So anyone here gone through this? I think it’s a stage people in their early 20’s go through. But I hate she feels she doesn’t belong anywhere now. Now that’s loneliness!

Thanks for any tips/advice.
Cathy

[Tootsie]

Hi Cathy,
Children, are always our children, no matter how old they get, or how independent, their pain is ours. Oh, how we wish that they would learn from our mistakes and just take our advice! It just doesn't work that way.

Technically, they are now adults but their relationships and intellects are still forming. Twenty, is still a relatively young age in our society, even though in the past, women would be married and perhaps have several children by that age. Their role is society was well defined.

In order to help your daughter, I think you have to find out what her expectations were, when she moved to Calgary. It sounds as if she expected the relationship to be more like a marriage, where there are common goals, expectations and a "we" feeling. From what you have described, the male partner in this relationship, has expected your daughter to be one of a large group of singles, all living in the same area.

Now, she needs to decide for herself, where and what she wants to be. The fact that she had a home to return to makes it somewhat easier for her. However, I married and moved away from my home town many, many years ago. When I return for a visit, I find that my old friends have not seen, or spoken much to each other, since I was there last! In other words, people move on, and into new friendships, activities and relationships, no matter where they live.

I am definitely from a different era, as I see no reason for any young woman to give a man all the benefits of marriage, without the ring, the responsiblity and goals of a marriage. There is no way that you can change someone else's behavior, only your own. At some point, I hope your daughter can focus on what SHE wants out of life, for herself. Only when she is a whole person all by herself will she be able to enter into a relationship that will be what she wants it to be. Cheerio.

[joy]

Hi Cathie

I can't give you any better advice than Tootsie has so I will just say, enjoy your daughter and be glad she was smart enough to come home for a bit to sort it all out. She sounds like my own daughter did. She had one guy that was special but lived a long way from us. They went to hight school and all that and he was home for the holidays. It did not last past her first bad case of the flu, lol. She was and is a homebody and needs to talk to her mother. Very strong I might add and is working very hard on her marriage right now to a home boy. But even as wise as I think I am, I couldn't do what she is doing and stay in a marriage like she has. I admire her for sticking to it as they have a child and she is not willing to just throw in the towel like some would. Just give your daughter the love and support she needs and let her make the decisions and then it will be that, her decision, no matter the outcome. Then she will always be able to come to you for what she needs, your love. Sounds as if she just needs a safe place to think things through.

[CathyE]

Thanks for your replies. You made me feel better & now I realize I needed comforting :)
I know I can't fix her problems. I know it's part of the growing up process.
And thankfully her friends did "hang out" a bit with her yesterday. Today she is borrowing our car to visit 2 friends away at university. I am sure this whill cheer her up.

I know the major problem is that her & her boyfriend seem to want different life styles. And that probably won't change unless he is willing to cut back on the group activities. I guess I had him pegged right, I said he's a "good time Charlie" meaning he lives to have a good time & be active. So I sort of saw this coming. Now it is up to them to either work it out or call it quits.

Thanks, I was just so upset she felt she didn't "belong" anywhere I needed help dealing with it.

With your thoughtful responses & my daughter's friends spending time with her, at least she knows she can always return home & I am feeling less sad.
We always want to but can't protect our children from the hurt of relationship problems. At least I was a shoulder to cry on & hug her.

Cathy
PS By the way, at least sex is not involved as she is a strong Christian who does not believe in sex before marriage. And her boyfriend respects that.

[joy]

Hi Cathy
I'm so glad she is seeing her friends. Sometimes we do have to made the first effort in these things or lead a lonely life. I'm glad you're feeling better too. I know, my daughter will be 33 next week and we still need our talks. But she has to tell me sometimes "mama I just want you to listen". That's very hard sometimes, lol. Well thanks for the update and don't hesitate to come back if you feel the need to talk again. Sorry we can't pull up a chair and look eye to eye but we can certainly do the best we can miles apart and I'm very appreciative for that. So glad I have a computer and friends that do too!