unsystemideo
09-23-2009, 11:34 AM
Hello everyone or anyone here,
I'm new to this Community and would like a chance to get to know you. I am 26 and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder less than a year ago. I have also been diagnosed with bipolar II with psychotic symptoms. Right after I was diagnosed with schizoaffective, I fell into a depression that lasted about a month. I felt that I must have said something or other that was misinterpreted, or that I had accidentally said the wrong thing to the doctors who diagnosed me. It was only after I read Chad Stafford's book The Sublime Detour, that I began to recognize that what I was experiencing, what I "had", was schizoaffective disorder. I am on 8mg Risperidone for psychosis, 2mg Klonopin for anxiety, 225mg Effexor for depression, and 1500 mg Lithium the mood stabilizer.
I see things (roaches, paint splattering on the ground, lights, black polar bears, Lucille Ball, red laser detectors in the cement, women with black hair trying to hurt me), I hear things (men's voices muttering unintelligibly, men talking about the CIA, beeps, blurps, music, Dick Cheney), and I smell things (my dad's beer breath, people following me around the city with air freshener). I also have delusions, such as when I think that a certain department at work is trying to persecute me; or when I think that I already committed suicide when I was 15, went back in time to the age of 1, and have been traveling forward again for 11 years, so that when I'm 30 I'll finally kill myself again; or when I think that the men on the street or on the subway are planning to rape my wife; or when I think that my wife and everyone close to me wants me to commit suicide; or when I think I am a new world-religious leader or God or Jesus or Buddha or the Antichrist. I also have what are called "cognitive deficits", meaning I can't always think straight, and formal-logical thought is a big problem for me (I was a philosophy major who dropped out of grad school). Cutting has also been a huge problem for me since the age of 15.
About 3 months ago, I tried to kill myself. Keyword TRIED. I went into the bathroom, got in the tub, and broke open one of my razors. I started etching into my skin, getting ready to make the big one. I was all set. My wife was sick, asleep in the bedroom. I stopped etching, took the razor to my vein, I was all set. And then my wife called out my name. I didn't know what to do. If I ignored her, she'd inevitably come looking for me. And not ignoring her meant pretty much giving up on it. She called my name again. I was naked. I got up, set the razor down, cleaned my wrist, put my clothes on, and went to her. I don't remember what she wanted. But somehow being with her felt right.
The next Monday at work, I e-mailed my psychiatrist and told him what happened. I spent a little under a month in the hospital, where I tried several more times to slit my wrist (with whatever I could get my hands on), and 6 more weeks in a day program.
I'm on Risperidone for my psychosis now, but I've also been on Seroquel and Zyprexa. Seroquel was too weak for me; I still had major hallucinations. Zyprexa made me paranoid, shaky, and angry all the time. The first time I was on Risperidone, starting about a year ago, it did wonders for my hallucinations once I got up to 8 mg. However, I still had grandiose delusions, and at one point found myself having a psychic conversation with a fence post. Now, after the Seroquel and Zyprexa, I'm back on the 8mg of Risperidone, but it doesn't even seem to be helping with the hallucinations anymore, let alone everything else.
Can anyone related to any of this? And can anyone suggest another antipsychotic that works better?
Feel free to e-mail me at somebodydichotomy@yahoo.com, or just post here. Thanks.
I'm new to this Community and would like a chance to get to know you. I am 26 and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder less than a year ago. I have also been diagnosed with bipolar II with psychotic symptoms. Right after I was diagnosed with schizoaffective, I fell into a depression that lasted about a month. I felt that I must have said something or other that was misinterpreted, or that I had accidentally said the wrong thing to the doctors who diagnosed me. It was only after I read Chad Stafford's book The Sublime Detour, that I began to recognize that what I was experiencing, what I "had", was schizoaffective disorder. I am on 8mg Risperidone for psychosis, 2mg Klonopin for anxiety, 225mg Effexor for depression, and 1500 mg Lithium the mood stabilizer.
I see things (roaches, paint splattering on the ground, lights, black polar bears, Lucille Ball, red laser detectors in the cement, women with black hair trying to hurt me), I hear things (men's voices muttering unintelligibly, men talking about the CIA, beeps, blurps, music, Dick Cheney), and I smell things (my dad's beer breath, people following me around the city with air freshener). I also have delusions, such as when I think that a certain department at work is trying to persecute me; or when I think that I already committed suicide when I was 15, went back in time to the age of 1, and have been traveling forward again for 11 years, so that when I'm 30 I'll finally kill myself again; or when I think that the men on the street or on the subway are planning to rape my wife; or when I think that my wife and everyone close to me wants me to commit suicide; or when I think I am a new world-religious leader or God or Jesus or Buddha or the Antichrist. I also have what are called "cognitive deficits", meaning I can't always think straight, and formal-logical thought is a big problem for me (I was a philosophy major who dropped out of grad school). Cutting has also been a huge problem for me since the age of 15.
About 3 months ago, I tried to kill myself. Keyword TRIED. I went into the bathroom, got in the tub, and broke open one of my razors. I started etching into my skin, getting ready to make the big one. I was all set. My wife was sick, asleep in the bedroom. I stopped etching, took the razor to my vein, I was all set. And then my wife called out my name. I didn't know what to do. If I ignored her, she'd inevitably come looking for me. And not ignoring her meant pretty much giving up on it. She called my name again. I was naked. I got up, set the razor down, cleaned my wrist, put my clothes on, and went to her. I don't remember what she wanted. But somehow being with her felt right.
The next Monday at work, I e-mailed my psychiatrist and told him what happened. I spent a little under a month in the hospital, where I tried several more times to slit my wrist (with whatever I could get my hands on), and 6 more weeks in a day program.
I'm on Risperidone for my psychosis now, but I've also been on Seroquel and Zyprexa. Seroquel was too weak for me; I still had major hallucinations. Zyprexa made me paranoid, shaky, and angry all the time. The first time I was on Risperidone, starting about a year ago, it did wonders for my hallucinations once I got up to 8 mg. However, I still had grandiose delusions, and at one point found myself having a psychic conversation with a fence post. Now, after the Seroquel and Zyprexa, I'm back on the 8mg of Risperidone, but it doesn't even seem to be helping with the hallucinations anymore, let alone everything else.
Can anyone related to any of this? And can anyone suggest another antipsychotic that works better?
Feel free to e-mail me at somebodydichotomy@yahoo.com, or just post here. Thanks.