Support System for my 67 y/o Single Stroke Mom

[Irish Rose]

Hello, I am fairly new here to this forum, i post under the Stroke Forum. Long story short, (more like a novel!) my youngest sister was made POA for my fiercely independent mom prior to her stroke who lives out -of -state; bills weren't paid so credit cards/mortgage payment/car payments didn't get paid, and huge debt mounted for my mom; so her POA duties were recently revoked last month by my mom and she's written out of her will because of it.

I have now been appointed to assume the position and been dumped with the mess to clean up. I am muddling thru so far, but it's wearing me out, I feel myself losing ground on my sanity and my family life. Since July, I am on 2 month sabbatical from work to deal with all this (not my plan originally; it was to be spent on vacation with my hubby and kids)

Both of my younger out-of-state sisers have given up on my mom already because of her abrasivness and the crap they put up with her prior to her stroke and the thousands of dollars they lent my mom to help bail her out of her financial misfortunes she created for herself (compulsive shop-a-holic-stuff in her closets with hundreds of sales tags still on them). And, she worked for the City and made good money has now been put on Long Term Disability and medically laid off from her city dispatch job.

I have a really huge support problem: it's my mom's being stubborn or just plain uninformed or her "new" post-stroke personality isn't phased her REALISTIC current condition. She suffered a left frontal lobe stroke back in March which left her with cognitive issues and Aphasia along with right-sided hemiparisis. It was revealed by MRI she's also suffered mini strokes for possibly 5-10 years and not known about them at all until this one hit. The post-stroke mass showed up on CT scan right after her surgery and is the size of a small childs clenched fist. She's been in 3 different rehab homes ever since; her stroke occured after planned arotic bybass surgery to correct numbness and pain and lack of blood flow in in her lower legs and difficulties walking. She smoked for many years, has hardening of the arteries, her left corotid neck artery is completely clogged shut found by US. They can't do the roto-rooter surgery on her, it would kill her if they even tried. Her eyesight has severly been affected, she's wheelchair bound but quickly gaining skills in assited walking with railing at the rehab home and can use a 4-prong cane when assisted. CAn transfer pretty well, but struggles with her right leg and foot and wears an AFO for her support in walking.

She has set a goal of getting out of rehab by the end of this August back into independent living, however she is severly not even close to being ready for it. She still reqires help to dress, bathing, meds, etc. She barely has any use of her right hand, but is getting her fingers to move a little bit; she was right hand dominate pre-stroke and has taught herself to cursive (chicken scratch) write with her left hand.

I am filing for Ch 7 bankruptcy for her because of her debt, She will her house there is no equity in it, she borrowed againsti it sometime in the past, so I have to sell it at a loss. She can't live in it any longer due to her hemiparisis condition; her new car is going back to the bank, she cant physically drive it nor is she cognitivly able to respond to driving situations now. Both my sisters have sold most of her household belongings leaving a small amount for a small apartment later, and created a slush fund for her to use later with the proceeds, helping eliminate assets for medicare/medicaid.

I have consulted her state caseworker for assistance to see what happens when she decides she no longer wants to live in her studio room at the rehab/retirment home and basically all her state/federal-paid PT, OT, ST will end.

Here's the doozy: HOW THE HELL DO I EXPLAIN TO HER THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TIME FOR HER RECOVERY NOW NOT TO LOSE THESE VALUABLE THERAPIES BECAUSE SHE IS TURNING A DEAF EAR TO ME!!!!!! They are 100% paid for by federal and state! If she leaves the system, she will lose all these benifits. Her cognitive skills are not there for her to take over anything financially, (she had 6 credit cards) stole money from my grandmothers trust fund of $6K and never payed it back and a whole slew of other irrational money mismanagement, all possibly from her "personality changes" of those other strokes.

I am at a emotional loss... losing precious summer time away from my family, spending many hours with her in her theapy sessions, hundreds of dollars in gas traveling between states taking her to and from her sessions, and errands for her. I just want my life back...I own my own part-time business (in-home erotic ladies night-in parties) and have put it on hold since her stroke. I realized lastnight after a Bachelorette party how much I missed my business and how much time I have lost due to my mom's condition. Am I selfish? Is this normal for a person to feel. I never was close to my mom after I got out of school, so I don't understand, I just want mom to get better, I don't want to become her crutch and want to wean myself away from her.

Sorry for the life story here, it's very detailed and I really don't have anyone to share this locally with that even understands my new position. Thanks, Stephanie

[tic chick]

stephanie *bunch,

i'm sorry you got stuck with straightening out all your mom's financial problems. usually, that is what happens to us "responsible" ones.

there are several types of dementia. alzheimer's disease is one of them, pick's disease is another and there is also stroke dementia. unfortunately, people who have stroke dementia go downhill at pretty much a steady rate, while people with alzheimer's dementia have good days and bad days.

stephanie, have you considered that your mother's stubborness is part of her brain function that will never return to normal? that she may not realize what you are trying to tell her because she has lost the capacity to understand reason? that maybe, this is the best that she is going to be, even with therapy?

even if you want her to live independently, she is going to need a lot of care to get her to do the normal "activities of daily living".

have you considered a nursing home situation? have you talked to your mom's doctor's and therapists about what they think her current and future mental and physical capacity will be?

yes, you do miss your normal life. this is not a good way to live. your family is being neglected. your mom is only 67, although she seems to be in very poor health.

from what you have written, it seems she is going to need a lot of help. if she goes to a nursing home, she will get therapies there. if she is on medicaid, the state will still pay for these therapies and her stay in the nursing home and her medications.

the easiest time to get a spot in a nursing home is when a person is coming out of a hospital. that might also apply to coming out of a rehabilitation center.

if you have power of medical attorney, you can do this. if you don't, you will have to go to court and ask for guardianship of your mother.

someone is going to have to help you care for your mother.

it's a hard decision to make whether that will be you, one of your siblings or a nursing home.

please post in the alzheimer's forum. i and several other wonderful women are all dealing with loved one's who have dementia in some form.

stephanie, you have my sympathy and my deepest best wishes,
jeannie

[Irish Rose]

Hello Jeannie~Thank you for your response. I am certain she sufferers from stroke demetia. I have been on the internet almost every day since her stroke looking for her types of symptoms; so far Vascular Dementia and possibly Lancunar Infrarcts fit. As I have said before me and my sisters think this has been going on a long time because she hasn't been herself for many years, but we never had a grasp on what "it" was.

I know in my heart she will probably never be the same, she has delusions that there is a familial conspiracy to keep her in assisted care for the rest of her life, has thought her best freind is trying to ruin her life, when all she has done is break her back moving her personal belongings into storage until a time comes that she can possibly move out independently.

I know her mental self is not there, though she insists it is. Her Aphasia has made it difficult for her to communicate some ways, she can understand pretty much everything that is said to her but short term it's lost.

We did secure a place in a convalescent home right after her ICU stay, and was almost turned away after she started to plateau in her PT skills from her insurance co. She currently resides in an assited care facility now, but feels she doesn't belong there, either they are too old for her or "not the right" people.

As far as her living independently, I have seen some of her doctors reports and all have listed some form of cognitive deficeit. I am certain she will never live completely by herself again. She will probably never be able to do the work she used to, service dispatcher for the city, which requires much multitasking and she doens't have it. And more than likely I expect her to have another stroke of some sort later down the road. I am prepared, Knowledge has been my power during this process of learning and it's not easy to swallow the lumps sometimes, but at least I am being realistic about it. I am POA Durable AIF and Medical POA, I have a serious job in front of me and thank you for your kind words and support. :0) Stephanie