22 YO son - ADD or just happy as is?

[CathyE]

My son probably has ADD, very minimal hyperactivity now, only moderate when young. A GP who "specializes in ADD" diagnosed him.

My son refused councelling and tried meds sporadically. Problem was, he still refused to start school work until it was too late to take another pill so it was a waste of time.

He is now 22 finished a 2 year program for Programming a year and a half ago. Problem is he has done very little to find a job in his field. He is content working part time (full time hours in the summer) at a store.(better pay than most). He is also trying to get on full time until he figures out what he want to do otherwise.

He doesn't think he wants to program now. He says he is more interested in hardware or possibly networks.

I think we need to motivate him to do some heavy duty job searhing in order to find out if he perhaps needs to go back to school with a different specialty.
(programming did cover some networking)

Problem is, motivating him. I talked to him about it yesterday (getting help for his ADD) and he got angry, after all he's happy the way things are now.

Perhaps he has mostly outgrown the ADD & is just comfortable with his lifestyle - and US PAYING HIS BILLS ! But I still think it is an ADD issue. Problem is that includes his car loan (we're paying) and my husband sort of needs to retire in a year and a half as he hates his job and has had 2 health leaves for depression. But, until my son takes over he car loan, he can't retire.

Any suggestions? Can supplemants help enough? We aren't even doing that.
If so what should we start with?

Anyone "been there, done that" ?

Thanks,
Cathy

P.S. My "disablilty" has not allowed me to keep on top of things.
But I might be upt to it now.

[PMM]

I can't say that I've had to do this yet but I know when the time comes if our kids are at home and out of school they WILL be paying rent and other expenses. If things are too easy for him he has no reason to change. I know doing this will be really hard but think of it as a life lesson. Better that he learns this now while you are still here to help him through it.

Just as with anything in life there are consquences, good and bad. He's 22yo and an adult, if he chooses not to use meds that his choice, on the other had whether or not you pay his bills is YOUR choice, not his.

Some of this may very well be an ADD issue, maybe he didn't like the way the meds made him feel, has he ever said why he won't get help? In reality meds are only part of the equation with ADD anyway, the rest is training. He has new responsiblities now that he is out of school. Maybe you can make of list of expenses and tell him that HE is responsible for X Y & Z and that for now (with an end date) you will still help him with A & B. Sometimes with ADD it's just easier to make everything black and white and leave no room for greys.

When I've had to deal with similar situations my thought is the more uncomfortable I am making my kid the better I am getting through to him.

Hope this helps a bit.

Pat

[CathyE]

Thanks Pat.
I know, we definitely need to set down some rules particularly financial. It's too bad he is not getting full time hours now as there really is only so much he will be able to pay for. And it obviously doesn't include the biggy - the car loan (and insurance).

But I really want him to learn to function better in general. I try to give him tips, but I wish he'd see a counsellor because they will have better suggestions plus make more of an impression on him.

I think he is afraid if he treats his ADD his personality will change. And he is quite pleased with who he is! Actually, so are we. He is usually a pleasure to be around, as long as we're not discussing changes or tidying up (he does some sporadically).

We get compliments from people about what a nice young man he is.

Well we decided to wait until after Christmas (almost there!)
then DH & I will make him responsible for certain expenses. as you said, some at first but with the future depending on how much effort he puts into job hunting. Then we might find out he needs to take more courses to get a job in the right area of computers.

A friend of the family said he definitely needs to go back to school because he's been finished for a year and a half. I hope he's wrong. But, if it has to be, it will be.

Have a Merry Christmas Pat and anyone else who reads this!

Cathy

[Matthew]

Hi Cathy,

I ran across your message (and this board) somewhat randomly, and although this comes a few months later, I wanted to respond. Your son sounds a lot like myself, so perhaps I can offer some insight.

First, let me offer some background information to give you an idea of where I'm coming from. I'm 24 years old and first began medication (Metadate CD [Ritalin]) when I was 22. I had begun college and moved out at 18 and within 2 years, I dropped out and moved home. I began programming at an early age and began doing paid work at 15. After leaving college, I did some contract work occasionally, was involved with a failed start-up company, and eventually had some steady programming contracts before returning to school. I returned to school in large part because my father got sick and it gave me the wakeup call I needed.

My diagnosis is more in the inattentive (overattentive) area. I have a hard time completing tasks, in large part due to not being able to plan ahead. I also had a hard time looking for full-time/real jobs, and my parents were very frustrated about it. I'd get very defensive and upset when they would bring it up.

The biggest thing that they didn't understand -- and really, neither did I -- was that I could not do it. It was not a matter of not wanting to go out and find a job, or being happy with them paying my bills. In fact, I did want to find a job and be financially independent. That being said, I worked all throughout high school and during part of my initial college years. I did great once I was working, but getting the job was the hard part. For me, a lot of it came down to a number of causes: fear of rejection, dislike of having to justify why they should hire me, a need for independence, and the difficulty of adjusting to environments that are not well suited for people with ADHD.

I had some concerns about medications as well. I knew something was wrong with the way I functioned for a long time. Many people would call it procrastination or laziness, however, I did try to start early, but I couldn't. My brain doesn't see the reward in those future events and can't plan ahead. I realized that I needed help when it was time to return to school though. I diagnosed myself and then went to the doctor to inform him of my expert medical opinion. I began the Metadate CD and my first semester back at school, I made the Dean's List. This is at a world-class research university with a very difficult program, while taking 5 classes / 20 credits. The medication helped to say the least. This January, I decided to make a change and have started on Adderall XR. It made a huge improvement.

The thing I have realized is that I do like the way I think without the medication. I enjoy being unfocused. My creativity is higher and my thought is more abstract. However, I've also realized that I need to be able to function and to get things done. Once I decided what I wanted to do with my life (research/teaching at a college-level), my decision to medicate became simple. This is what I need to do in order to accomplish the work I'm interested in. My doctor also played a big part in it by helping me understand that this is something I need, and that it is okay. My brain doesn't function "properly" on its own, and by taking this medication, it helps my brain communicate a bit better.

The medication didn't change who I am. I honestly think I have a better understanding of my own personality now. I'm more aware of what's happening around me, and of myself. If your son is like me, he has the ability to work hard and to do great things -- this will let him do that.

I guess the main points to take from this are:
(1) The behavior that frustrates you and your husband are not something your son can easily control;
(2) Talking about rules or changes will be very frustrating and taken as a personal attack, even if your intentions are good;
(3) Give him time to think -- don't overload him with too much at once; If you want to talk to him about what needs to change, be upfront and honest with him without trying to tell him HOW to change -- tell him the situation, what your concerns are, and tell him what result you need to see -- then give him time (days, possibly weeks) to think about it and to do something about it;
(4) Throughout, ask him if there is anything you can do to help -- he probably won't take you up on the offer, but knowing you understand the problem and are willing to help means a lot;
(5) Try to understand the symptoms he has -- possibly ask him to give you some information on it himself; Expect a piece of paper rather than a face-to-face talk -- he probably doesn't want to be questioned about it;
(6) Councilors aren't going to be an option for him, at least not any time soon.

I hope this helps. I don't know where you're at with this right now, but I wanted to provide some information from my own perspective. It is hard to understand how these symptoms impact lives. I've been struggling to understand it for the last 2+ years.

Feel free to get in touch if you have questions. I wish your family the best.

- Matt

[CathyE]

Matt,

Thank you SO-O-O much for your reply.

It is very insightful! and I imagine it will prove to be helpful for us!

I think I will let my son read what you wrote. He did tell me the other day that he does not believe he has ADD. Well, he sure has a lot of the symptoms! (at least I believe he does).

I have seen documentaries by famous people who have ADD. There is nothing better than an explanation from a person dealing with it.

Coincidence! my son's middle name is Matthew!

Once again. Thank you so much for sharing your story and insight!

Cathy

[Matthew]

Just let me know if you have any other questions. I can, at the least, provide information from my own experiences. One thing to keep in mind is that ADHD varies a lot from person to person -- both in severity and in the actual symptoms present.

The levels of medication vary too. My doctor gives me a great deal of control over my medication. After I first started, I talked to him a couple times to increase the dosage, and this last time, to change medication. It really comes down to what feels right to me, but he makes sure it is safe. A lower dosage could be used, I imagine, to find a balance between creative thought and productivity. A lot of people just take it during the week as well. For me, due to school, I take it 7 days a week, with a full dose in the morning and a half dose in the early afternoon (because I have such long days). So it can be really flexible. If your son reads this and has any questions, I'd be more than happy to answer them either on here or privately via email.

- Matt

[CathyE]

Thanks for the additional info, Matt.

I intend to share your posts with my son - at an opportune time!

Thanks again!
Cathy