Missing My 93-Year Old Beloved Mom

[lonelyjulia]

Hello, I was born to an "older mom" many years ago (I'm in my forties now). Throughout my life, I constantly worried about what would happened if Mom left me, and it was quite a worry all the time. I lost my mom 2 weeks ago, and she passed away at 93 years old (primary diagnosis: congestive heart failure).

I feel so sad and tired too. My mom was my only friend and best friend. For many years, I had to help take care of my mom, because no one in the family would help Mom. My mom was under the care of a geriatric physician and at the end of her life she was under hospice care.

I am developmentally delayed (graduated from special education in school), and I really suffered a lot too (I am still suffering). My siblings don't understand what I am going through, they are always impatient with me, and they give me a very hard time. I don't have any friends where I live.

I know I need to find a grief counselor, and yet I wonder how to find someone that is a good one. I am grieving so much. I wish I could have held her hand more (and hugged her more). Since I have no spouse and no children, it's just me (and my cat). I am wondering if any one out there understands what I am going through. I am wondering how long does one grieve? Thanks for reading this. :(

[tic chick]

welcome to the forums, julia!*bunch

i'm so sorry you lost your best and only friend.

you grieve as long as you need to. when you are done grieving, you will know.

i'm sorry your siblings don't understand you. maybe they wish they would have had as close a relationship with mom as you did.

you were so blessed to have her for so many years, julia! not enough for you, i know, but for so long.

i don't think you just find a good counselor. you might have to go to more than one until you "hit it off" with the right counselor for you. don't be afraid to stop seeing a counselor if you feel they don't understand or empathize with you.

julia, if you had not told me you were developementally delayed, i would not have guessed it from your post. i don't think you have to tell people that until you are comfortable with them...not out of shame, but because of the misconceptions a lot of people have of "developementally delayed" people.

try and rebuild a relationship with your siblings, your nieces and nephews, too. you need to start meeting other people, getting out of your shell. maybe doing some volunteer work someplace will introduce you to new people.

i am sure your mom would be upset if you sat home and became depressed. think about what she would tell you if she were alive right now.

join our very supportive group in the emotional support forum. just jump in anywhere, we will get to know you. you will find everybody has some interests in common. it will get you used to talking with other people and think about things other than your mom.

you will never forget her, i know. just live your life so that she would be proud of you for carrying on.

please keep posting here. you sound like a sweet lady.

*smallrosejeannie

[Buttons2]

Julia, I'm so sorry for your loss. I also urge you to stick around here on BT & promise you'll be welcome on the emotional support forum. I've learned that cyber friendships are truly helpful.

Jeannie had some very good suggestions. As for the grieving process-well that goes on until one day you will notice some of the burden has lifted. Don't try to set any time frame to react the way your siblings or other's might tell you.

You probably feel lost right now. That's normal. You lost a big part of your entire life. Now you need to consider where you go from here? You do have choices Julia,and sometimes getting input from other people helps.

We would like to get to know you! Tell us about your cat. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Favorite TV shows?

Every person on the planet has value Julia,and you are no exception. I'm sure there will be other people who will cherish you now,nobody can replace your mom but if you open your heart to possibilities you might be surprised what comes your way.

((((gentle hug to you)))))

[Nana4&cntn]

Julia, I am so sorry you lost your Mom and best friend. My mom is also my best friend and I will be lost when she is gone.

Pati and Jeannie have asked you to join us in the Emotional Support forum, i also invite you to join with us! I agree with Jeannie, I would have never known you were "develomentally delayed", and that was my profession prior to becoming disabled myself.

Can I make a few suggestions? Your mom was in a hospice setting, have you asked the agency that provided hospice if they have a grief counselor? Most agencies do, I recently went through them when a friend died. Other places to look are Luthern Family Services or other counseling offices. As Jeannie said it may take several to find someone you click with.

Do you have or belong to an ARC or have a day program or job? I ask this because I think you would make some friends at activities or work. Do you have transportation? Or a Service Coordinator? Sorry for all the questions, please don't feel you need to answer any of them.

You sound quite capable to me and I think you would enjoy meeting some friends. I do understand how your siblings probably treat you as I have seen it many times over the years. Just know you are you and know your capabilities! You don't have to prove anything to anyone!

Please stay with us,
Kathy

[joy]

it shows that you have not been back since the day you registered julia. i hope you do come back and see where yet another person has asked that you join us in the emotional forums, or just stay here and talk with us.

you sound as if you could use some friendship, but more than that would aslo make a good friend.

i agree, i'd like to hear about your cat. i don't have any cats now but don;t think i could take care of one if i did. but i so loved every cat we ever had. please join us if you come back to read again.

[lonelyjulia]

A very big thank you to everyone who took the time to give me a reply. I will try to do some of the suggestions mentioned in the posts.

I am finding grief is truly exhausting. The more I grieve, the more tired I feel, and the more I want to sleep. I keep pushing myself to do stuff, and I feel like I am taking baby steps just trying to get stuff done. I don't have any motivation to do stuff, and it seems all I want to do is sleep.:confused: The strange thing is my cat wants to sleep right beside me. My cat is Siamese, and he has personality plus. I think he wants to sleep right beside me, because he's worried about me too. Whenever I am grieving about my mom, sitting down, my cat will climb up on me and start showing me his loving concern. My cat is like a service companion pet. When my mom passed away at home, my Siamese cat was there too. It makes me wonder if grief affects cats as much as it affects humans. After my mom's passing, it seemed it affected my cat as much as it affected me.

I am worried now, other stuff going on concerning my father who is in a nursing home, and my father is giving me a bad time (as usual), and it may indicate a possible change in my living situation (not sure when). My father was not close to my mom, and my father always gives me a bad time. I don't want to move, because I have lived in the same place for 30years, plus what about my cat? A lot of rental places don't want cats. Wondering what to do! I don't like change.:confused:

[Buttons2]

Julia, I'd hate for you to need to move anytime soon. When someone has had a loss such as yours they shouldn't make big decisions for awhile. there's a reason many estates are held for 6 mos. I've personally seen some friends do stupid things right after losing someone they loved. Your body as well as you mind needs time to heal & I'd think sleep is one good way to do that.

As for your cat,yes animals do share our deep feelings. They know when we are sick also. Kinda amazing but then I think every critter on the planet is connected in some way to human's & other critters. I'm glad you have your cat there for comfort & it's important you learn how to register your cat as a service animal! Somone will know just how to go about doing that I'm sure. You can post on pet therapy here on BT. Different states have different laws regarding pets as therapy/service animals.

Sorry your dad is causing you trouble! Stand firm OK? Does he want to sell the house? I don't want to get to personal but you might need a lawyer to look after your best interests. I hope you mother left a will.

You have alot to deal with now,try to get organized as to what will need action soon & what can wait. I know it's unfair to make changes when your heart is broken but some things might have to be acted on soon.

You might need to get on a waiting list for an apt. if your income is limited & you qualify for reduced rent. You can also begin the process of making sure your cat can live with you. Sometimes you can rent w/a small pet if you pay a fee upfront to cover any cost of damage by the cat. Siamese are known for being climbers.....like drapes for instance. They are very smart cats!

Best of luck to you & keep posting,other people will have ideas for you also.

(((((gentle hugs)))))

[joy]

i can't think of a thing i could add to buttons post myself. i agree that you need time to adjust to losing a parent. i hope you can check out everything she asked you to do as your dad may be a bit depressed himself and at his age, i'm assuming he is old as well?.

i say you need to work on making yourself happy at this time. i hope yoi will stay around with us for a time, maybe even join in with us on the emotional forum. i know i am not as old as some here but age and health changes things and i'm close enough in both those catagories that my thinking is affected and not alway for the best. that way maybe i could find you easier and not forget you ;). it's getting pretty hard for me to remember i have the tea pot on boiling these days even it seems. :p

[joy]

i just checked to see if julia has been back. not so far. i hope if she does, she will give us a few words on how she (you;)) are doing. please