stuck, overwhelmed, dooooown...

[waves]

hi everyone,

i have posted a little recently, but i cannot "keep up" and am feeling overwhelmed... heck making instant coffee is sometimes overwhelming. sometimes its like nothing. go figure.

i have better days and worse but the past couple have been worse. it looks like i might lose my T and the last appointment was really bad for me. He is also my pdoc and that hurt all the more, plus that's two eggs in a basket if i need to change He was the only person i could tell some things to.

i have been in fetal position a lot. rocking a lot. but i am feeling frigid, stone-like, stunned and... unable to cry. i sleep a lot. when the pain gets too much i still have a few Zyprexa's I can use occasionally to get an immense amount of deep sleep. to ease the pain, i should say, to pause the pain, you know, safely. it calms me too.

It may seem strange but the S thoughts fill me. Whether i am cheery or not varies too, but changes nothing inside. I think my Zoloft is doing *nothing* for me any more... i can't change pdoc/T till Jan (circumstances are such.), even though I am safe because i couldn't bear for my parents to see their only child do that. Even just losing a child, outliving a child... is somehow "against nature." I can't do that to them. so far.

so i dunno. i may post, or not, or sporadically or only seem to do a few threads or delete posts... i am feeling very vulnerable, so... these things may happen.

i think of you guys every day... keep well

~ waves ~ not so well

[Serengeti]

Hi Waves,

Oh Dear! You have been going through some rough times and a half over the last many months or so, haven't you?

What strength of Zoloft are you on?
Is it possible to increase?
I used to find that anything below 150 mg would get me back into a depression. I also was on Lamictal 200/250mg.
I am now on Lexapro 10mg in place of the Zoloft. Seems to be working.

I am glad you are with your parents 'though.
You always sound very lonely to me.
Do you tend to deliberately avoid company when depressed or otherwise too?
Keeping company always seemed such hard work when I would be low.
In the end 'though, next to medication, I would still rate some well wishing company as the best bet to get through these horrid stages.
I am sorry I can't do much besides write, but I would if I could.

Lots of Love and Hugs

serengeti

[yoyo_girl]

my deareast dearest waves... i am so very sad for you. I want to tell you what a wonderful friend you have been to me recently. You are a wonderful person with so much warmth. The world needs people like you. There are far too few.

I am wondering if you could work up to getting out of the house for even a little while today... touch the outside world, be among other people. It helps ground us. I know it wouldn't be easy. But even a coffee at a coffeeshop might help.

I don't know if you need med changes or if it's coming from this pdoc/t issue. I am confused about the same things myself. It's hard. Nuture yourself as much as possible. The issues about your pdoc/t are not your fault.

Is it at all possible for you to decide not to decide right now? Sometimes when i am overwhelmed by certain situations I try to tell myself that I am choosing not to think about it right now. I say it to myself consciously. It doesn't mean i can just not think about stuff, but it does help more than i would have thought.

sometimes holding yourself, rocking, crying... sometimes that's what you have to do to get by. It's ok.

and for today, while you are being so hard on yourself, I will maintain that you are a light in the darkness. You are a good spirit and you are a beautfiul person. You have more light and strength than you will ever admit to yourself... but it is there.

[Bdix30]

You my dear, need a hot cup of tea and a ton of fattening, delicious snacks prepared for you. (cheese, you want cheese and yummy breads!) (ok maybe "I" want cheese and yummy breads lol)

Seriously, I wish there was a way to fast forward through these times. You are such a loyal, honest person - and you always bring a level of comfort with your posts.

Try to pat yourself on the back while you are holding yourself and crying. This too shall pass. You are very valued here, dont forget that

[waves]

Dear Serengeti:

I meant to respond to you on my, em, dictionary thread but then i got all weird as to how it evolved... but i do concur its a bit "thinky" for reading with droopy eyelids, and it was nice to have you reply.

I am on 200mg Zoloft with too much muscle tension now, and my back CANNOT stand any more than its own muscular injuries. So I am actually taperint it. It isn't doing squat, it's just that i'm not ignorant enough to just stop taking it. the only alternative is to keep up with the 200 dose and gobble benzos for the muscles... worth it if the stuff were working, but not like this, and benzo's aren't exactly uppers either.

i may, next time i see the doc, ask for a galenic rx for bupropion - Wellbutrin (here only avail in 200 XR tabs to stop smoking. I have an excel spreadsheet as to how the transition was done the last time by my US pdoc, so i can handle that. My current pdoc had once said, well, if you are familiar with the dosages, i'll script it. Down side it will cost me 30 bucks a month coz the state doesn't cover it because it's not viewed as an anti-depressant.

i am also on Lamictal 200 (100bid), but take Depakote too, which significantly increases the action of Lamictal by reducing its elimination time.

thank you so much for being here. it's been a while since we've chatted. been thinking of you too.

((( hugs ))) ... (not huggies ;))

~ waves ~

[waves]

This will be all mixed up what i will say. i hope you can sort it out. :o with the T/pdoc, i don't feel guilty i feel let down, and also up a creek as far as therapy... but even starting therapy with someone now i wonder how useful that would be. my trust is shot. i ain't ready to reopen the igloo, ya know? i will try to get a pdoc checkup asap but at the rate i am (not) moving... :o
while you are being so hard on yourself, I will maintain that you are a light in the darkness. You are a good spirit and you are a beautfiul person. You have more light and strength than you will ever admit to yourself... but it is there.what an incredibly touching thing to say to me. how about this... now i'm not trying to be funny... how about if you hold my light, i'll hold yours when you can't see it, deal? :o

Yes when depressed i try to, and often manage to:
1. defer judgement, 2. defer decisions.
With mania/hypo these rules often get thrown out the window along with many others. :rolleyes: :eek:.

I will try the coffee shop thing with the one downstairs. i used to do it in my old neighborhood (uh-oh nostalgia tears heck), where i would buy milk. now, like then, i hole up as much as possible. i have had 2 showers since i moved in here (2 months ago). i wash bits and parts as necessary... break the "problem" down. There's actually a form of algorithm in computer science called "Divide and Conquer."

hugs to you, dear. i hope each of your days brings you a sweet message to carry with you from one day to the other. yesterday, for instance, i saw a beautiful aurora at dawn... it was fleeting 2 minutes then it was gone.

~ waves ~ holding the fort... and not strong enough

[waves]

i love it. :D why don't they work on this instead of finding new ways to blow things up: I wish there was a way to fast forward through these times
you lightened me up there with the cheesy snacks prepared for me, too. :) indeed, my parents generally have a plethora of unrecognizable but edibly stinky or mild or inbetween cheeses to choose from... i lost 5 kilos through with the last 3-4 month bout in spring (before i moved here). 2 whole months now, and i have incredibly lost another whole kilo. i am not trying to lose weight now, only trying to follow genuine hunger, which my parents make almost impossible. now is not the time for deprivation of chocolate! but to try to keep my weight the same, gives me a sense of satisfaction... no... control? self-sufficiency??? and, if it drops a little, so much the better. i still have 10 kilos (22 lbs) to go before i'm at a "neutral" (not skinny) weight.
You are such a loyal, honest person - and you always bring a level of comfort with your posts [...] You are very valued here, dont forget thatWow. I don't know what to say, but i wanted to say something. Thank you for that. and especially saying that I am valued here. I do not think i am valuing my self much.

I hope you and the kiddies are well, and send you all the best wishes and hugs...

~ waves ~

[hypermom]

Waves, I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad:( Bless your heart. I wish I were there to go to the coffee shop with you...I know all too well how hard it is to get out of the house, especially when feeling so horrible. You have been such a great friend to me through both some awful times, as well as my "normal" times. I agree with everyone else, you are definitely a light here! You are very much loved and needed! I have thought of you often and regret not being around here lately. I wish I could just stick my arms through this computer and give you a hug! I'm sending you a cyber space hug, guess that's gonna have to do. ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))))))))-Hyper

[AncientWolf]

waves dear waves. Please know that you are much loved here. You have been an awesome person to have here and I hope we continue to have you post here for a very long time. I want to wrap you in a huge warm blanket of friendship and caring so that you know you have friends here who will support you through all your rough times and rejoice with you in the good times.

I have no advice regarding the T/pdoc situation as I've been without either for many many years now, but I do hold the wish for you that you will find an awesome doctor (or doctor and therapist) who will give you what you need and in whom you can feel safe confiding.

May you find peace and joy in life.

Namaste,

Daniel

[waves]

Hi and great to see you Hypermom... i would love to sit and have coffee with you. Maybe American brewed too. One of those fancy swiss-chocolate almond type things.... things that are indescribable here because the minds will not accept the idea of coffee being anything besides espresso. (the alternative being, undrinkable, even, unthinkable!)

You know, if you could stick your arms through the computer - now that really would crack me up good - two arms suddenly shoot through my laptop screen....whooooooo..... 3D trip movie???? who put what in the orange juice fess up and

i'm goofy right now i guess. i'm never in the same mood... at least, goofy is ok even if strange.

your niece is lovely and your son looks preciously absorbed with that guitar... must be wonderful to watch.

thank you. for your wonderful words to me. i don't know what to say. i am glad if i even manage to be useful nowadays.

hugggggggs backatcha!

~ waves ~

[waves]

Dear Daniel,

thank you for your generous words i am rather at a loss for what further to say... oh butI want to wrap you in a huge warm blanket of friendship and caringthis image was so precious.

I met with my pdoc/T today... it was "tense" ... but as i am so confused i am going to continue with him at least for meds... tho this Zoloft puppy is gonna have to go I think. Paradoxically I would need to feel better before i could discuss and evaluate properly the therapy situation. right now i am so terrified of being abandoned, that if i tried to have that conversation i think my defenses would run rampant and it would end poorly. i told him even if his therapeutic distance gave him the skill to "distance" himself from his patients, that i wanted to send him off for Christmas without concern, and made an appointment for January... kinda like a pact (usually they do it, but it doesn't matter who initiates.) LOL because I think all that stuff about Christmas i said is about me - about MYSELF not having to fear while he was away - about giving MYSELF a responsibility... the pact thing... a buoy.

I have spilled a lot i guess.

My mind is just going... thank you for listening, and thank you again for the wonderful words.

~ waves ~ so hungry my tummy might soon digest itself.

[mags]

Waves,

I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you, and sending good thoughts your way. I was thinking about how in September, I had to switch pdoc and tdoc at the same time. I had been with both of them for 2 years or longer. (And, in that mental health system for 7 years.) I had to switch, I had no choice. I was distraught over it, in a panic and very scared. And, guess what? (Yes, I'm going to say it...) it was the BEST thing that EVER happened to me! In the last 4 months, I have made more progress than in the last 7 years combined. So, you never know how it may turn out. I hope, hope, HOPE that you have as positive an experience as I've had. {{{HUGE HUGS}}}

[waves]

gosh i was just thinking back to that long post of encouragement that you wrote on the therapy thread... for me, it is almost like magic... you show up like a fairy godmother and say, hey look... i'm on a whole new wonderful page turned when i've been suffering over letters for years...

i guess what i'm trying to say is your testimony brings me hope in time of need. I thank you. I am still hanging on to life.

I will hold off on judgements on my pdoc/therapist till i come back. i think there will probably be a middle of the way solution... but i am so emotional now it is better to just take my meds for the next two weeks. i did see my pdoc and said i could not talk about too much besides meds, although i did try to get across my general state, i avoided discussing our incident. we did sort out some sort of emergency-plan for meds. I see him Jan 3 in 2 weeks.

Hey, thanks for thinking of me :o

((( hugs )))

~ waves ~

[waves]

On the therapy side... ehhh... do-it-yourself ?

Ways I am seeking life.

* watch nature around me, try to relate to it... to life. it is sort of spiritual i guess isn't it. i dunno. thing is it causes no pressure. only observation. sometimes it brings on awe, a strong and positive feeling.

* especially but not only in nature, notice one-time spectacles... rainbows, flower mutations, sunrises ;) and... say, ...a lady dropping her hat on the road and recovering it in a single graceful swoop... an old woman whose arachnid-like face exudes a smile of comfort and tranquility... notice such beautiful things even if they make me cry. because of the contrast right then, perhaps. the crying, after all, needs to be done... it will happen for some time. it gets too deep for me i am throttled with fear, and for this, thank goodness for meds........... but the beauty observed will also remain a pleasant keepsake my memory.

* help someone else. sometimes this just means being real nice to a shop merchant rather than those "mechanical/anonymous" transactions. it is nice to get a smile back. smile at a bypasser. they often smile back. i am reflected back to myself in a positive light... as seen by someone else

* try for living over inanimate interactions... plush toys are kind of a grey area

* think about basic animal needs, and help myself in fulfilling these, as though i were helping someone else

* posting here

* you guys


The flashes are tough... sometimes there is no-one in the house either... yet if i didn't have a good amount of solitude, esp. from my dear parents, i'd go nuts.

But I guess i just said above (duh? :confused: ) that i did see my pdoc, it was ok i didn't discuss last session. i did indicate i had a boundary issue but was not in any condition to discuss that, and would manage best i could without. but i told him some things frankly and i do have an emergency-knock-out plan for the "run" of public holidays we have here. we were also "ok" when i left.

((( hugs )))

~ waves ~

[waves]

Mari... and anyone else passing by...

I'm doing better after doing worse... and no damage.

Things with the parents are better in terms of territories and patterns, however there are aspects/changes that are really disconcerting... regarding my parents. My father seems hypomanic. My mother says naaah, but she's a fast mover, and may not see a gradual change. That isn't all of it either, but that is enough of that.

Everything hurts me. I get angry, panicky, or burst into tears or some combination. I am still experiencing intense loss, abandonment. Sometimes great pain.

I leave the house 2ce a week max. It is not social anxiety. I just want to stay in, even if getting out, just for a walk, would probably help me. I sleep way much. I retract from family activities such as dinner. I never feel like going out with my friend - i force myself and tire quickly. i am disinterested or frustrated by direct conversation. Unless I get mad. My mood - and - mind have been labile. I have moments of awe and beauty and flashes of darkness...

Dark thoughts became constant backdrop, tho the flashes are fewer. This week will be somewhat telling, by way of what happens during the hormonal "clash" with my emotional state.

It has been since Feb, with a brief interlude of seeming remission for a few weeks. Please let it be over before Spring catches up again. :(

That is how I am.

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Dear Waves,
This does not sound good.
Since Feb?
Crud.

Mari... and anyone else passing by...
Everything hurts me. I get angry, panicky, or burst into tears or some combination. I am still experiencing intense loss, abandonment. Sometimes great pain.
I'm very sorry Waves.

Yeah, I understand the staying in the house not being related to social anxiety. When I stay in and refrain from bathing, it is because I only want to deal with what is in the house...it is all I can manage.

I just want to stay in, even if getting out, just for a walk, would probably help me. I sleep way much.
Walking would help if you could manage it. And when you can manage it you will. It is ok.
The same with sleeping -- you need sleep right now. I don't see how one can sleep too much...especially with the meds we take.

My hypnotherapist is good because she sort of communicates to me that I am doing an extraordianary job and that I can stop beating myself up for not doing more.

I have a theory about bipolar and I don't know if it is true. But I sort of think that if we take care of it with meds and other stuff as best we can, then at least we are not causing more damage to our brain and maybe we are healing it. Maybe we will get a payoff in that we reach a certain level of recovery. I have very little to base this on.

But it fits in with my view of things.....maybe because I need it to. But then it also fits into a kind of weirdo striving view that I was raised with -- that hard work pays off -- and if you put anything else to me that way I would say that it is not true. Hard work does not always pay off. And I have been running from this version of the world since I moved out of my parents' house at 17. Bless them. And so much for my theory.

And good things like recovery also come with huge amounts of luck (and the touch from the gods perhaps.)

Both my pdocs told me that they have seen people recover from bipolar. I hold onto that.


Somehow, for me, I like knowing that you are with your parents rather than by yourself. You are in the right physical place for now. And you won't always be there.

Have you figured out what happened/s in Feb/the spring to effect mood? You don't have to tell.
I'm sort of hoping that you can find away of dealing with the cosmos so that the deal comes out in your favor this year instead of not.
Mari

[Smiling Angel]

but, dear waves, I hope you are still on an upswing of sorts. I'm sorry that I cannot totally relate, not being BP myself, but I can only see what my daughter goes thru, and *I* hurt, just watching her hurt. Not having been here lately, I really don't know everything you have gone thru in the past several months; I just hope that you are slowly 'digging your way out'. ;)

You are a great part of this forum, and sometimes it seems that you are working hard trying to keep us all together (ie, posts asking where some of the 'absent' members' are). You are a very warm, giving person, just from what I have read from you here.

I hope that this NEW YEAR finds you getting back your strength and enthusiasm - we all know it's in there somewhere :D ... I am now going back to the thread where I had responded to you, so that I may get you all somewhat caught up with PART II of my update - mainly about my daughter.

Gentle hugs, Jacquie

[wwebby]

I hope you're hanging in there. The days are starting to get longer which means more sunlight! That always helps me. ((((Thinking of you))))