my son

[smokingun35]

I know this thread is likely for grief over death however I think what we are going through now is worse... Our 18 yr old son was in a car wreck last year with an idiot kid that decided to pull out in front of an 18 wheeler on my sons side. My son recevied a severe traumatic brain injury and was in a coma for quite a while. Now, a year later, he is walking, talking and clear of mind but cannot do a d@#$ thing because he has seizures so he cant drive. He also has a prosthetic plate the size of the palm of your hand which made his appearance quite different. He is now depressed and angry most of the time. I feel like my son is being tortured and all I can do is stand back and watch.. I was SUPPOSE to be able to protect my kids and help my kids yet he suffers EVERY day because I could not protect him from this and now no Dr. will tell us anything except how lucky he is as a result of the severity of the brain injury he had.. I am about ready to hit one of them in the mouth at this point because what we are living through every day cannot be tied to good luck in any way. This kid suffers EVERY day and we all suffer with him. It's all my wife and I can do to even do our jobs at work for worrying about our son. Then to add to it all we have a younger son who is neglected because of this and deals with a stressed Mom, Dad and brother every day... Life really, really sucks and that's about the extent of it as far as we are concerned.. My son lost a friend about 6-months ago in a car accident and those folks are up and going again - they went through a HUGE loss and are able to move on. The suffering that my family is going through has been going on now for 13-months and will likely last a lifetime... I always believed that God would not give you more than you can handle but that is a lie..

Sorry for being so negative but it's been a rough week, with a seizure included, and I honestly am dying inside watching my kids suffer..

[trisho]

One of the most important things I've ever learned is that grief is not just about death. It is about LOSS, and you have lost a lot, such as the son you knew, your confidence in your own ability to protect your kids, and a simpler religious belief than will fit your current experience. You are certainly entitled to grieve, and that entitles you to be here.

I am very sorry for all the losses your family has suffered. I know there is nothing I can say that will really make it better.

"Lucky to be alive . . ." That's one of those expressions that can be very comforting if the grieving person comes to that sense themselves, but can be downright oppressive if imposed from the outside. "Lucky" would be if this accident had never happened. It is reasonable to feel angry when someone tries to tell you how lucky your family is.

I do ask, in the name of that other family, that you not consider them lucky because their son is dead rather than disabled. They probably do not feel very "lucky" either, and have probably not "moved on" as much as it looks like.

Maybe, as time goes on, your two families can find a way to be there for each other, especially because your sons were friends.

Again, I'm very sorry for your losses.

[smokingun35]

Thank you for your kind words.

I would never consider this other family lucky that their son is gone. They will never forget their son nor will we since he spent a lot of time in our home. I was simply making the point that when a family has a loved one who is in some way disabled, the entire family is not only tortured with the memory of what use to be but also the reality of the dilemas of the following day, each day, and all the continued sufferering that comes along with it.

I came to the conclusion that my son was lucky to be alive a long time ago but now as I see him suffer from all the changes in his 18 yr old life and try to put myself in his shoes I wonder if he's lucky at all..... I am so thankful to have my son but he has suffered for LOTS of years with severe OCD and we had JUST gotten it under control enough that he could actually be normal before this wreck.

These are the possibilities you choose to take on as a parent however my younger son has no choice but to endure it with all of us which is why I am having a hard time with my faith right now. I cannot understand a God that allows these children to suffer so much.......

[LIZARD]

((((((((SmokingGun))))))))) ((((((SG's son))))))). :(

You're right; you DO belong here, and I hope no one would ever tell you otherwise. What your son and your family has been through takes grieving, just as a death does. My son is autistic, and I can tell you that I grieved for years as I tried desperately to help him. It's a long process, but things that can help are: 1) joining a TBI support group; 2) joining an epilepsy support group; 3) getting family counseling from a grief counselor; and 4) looking at what is still possible for him.

I can only imagine, as a mother myself, how you must feel, but it's so important to move beyond the guilt and help him to develop to whatever his potential is. In addition to my son's autism, I have lived all my life with hydrocephalus http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrocephalus, epilepsy, and the lingering effects of multiple brain surgeries and complications. I also have effects from a traumatic birth injury that resulted in subdural hematoma http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subdural_hematoma.

If you're going to help him, you have to move past guilt and pity for him and show him that he has to learn to live with what abilities he has left. Help him work his mind. Help him with physical exercises to keep his body from weakening. Life will never again be what it was, but he may be able to do a lot more than was ever thought. :)


*hug *hug *hug


LIZARD :)

[houghchrst]

Welcome (((((Smokinggun)))), what a terrible thing you are going through to see your child suffer so every day. I have nothing more to give as the other two have versed their advice so wisely. I would like to be the voice of the younger son for a moment if you don't mind. I know that it is difficult for both you and your wife to be out at the same time but if you don't mind I would like to suggest each of you taking turns spending time with your younger son. Maybe once a week just him and a parent, whether bowling, lunch and a movie just something to let him know that he is not forgotten. He will be most grateful and you two will also get a chance to be out and about also.

I hope for the best for all of you and that you really do consider counseling. It can work wonders.

[smokingun35]

Welcome (((((Smokinggun)))), what a terrible thing you are going through to see your child suffer so every day. I have nothing more to give as the other two have versed their advice so wisely. I would like to be the voice of the younger son for a moment if you don't mind. I know that it is difficult for both you and your wife to be out at the same time but if you don't mind I would like to suggest each of you taking turns spending time with your younger son. Maybe once a week just him and a parent, whether bowling, lunch and a movie just something to let him know that he is not forgotten. He will be most grateful and you two will also get a chance to be out and about also.

I hope for the best for all of you and that you really do consider counseling. It can work wonders.


We do already make special time for our other son as I agree that is very important. My wife and I are sooo stressed over the financial and health related part of or other son's incident that we are probably not the best company but we do have special time for him..

We are remotely located and are hours from any big cities where there are any meetings/support groups and we sure cant afford to travel as a result of all this. We took a much needed, credit card vacation last week as it had been 3-yrs and our kids really wanted to go and then our older son had a seizure while we were on vac and ended up in the hospital..

As crazy as it sounds, my wife and I are considering divorce after 20+ yrs so we can at least give each other some time away from the turmoil and also we can't stand each other any more as a result of the turmoil...

Lot's too much info but it will help me to get this out here as I dont talk to ANYONE about it as we live in a small town and it would just make it worse if it got out...

[Nana4&cntn]

Smokingun, I am so sorry for your son's and your families loss. If you could share your son's limitations with me through pm, I may be able to help. I was a Social Worker for the disabled for nearly 20 years.

The first thing I would suggest is to apply for SSI and Medicaid for your son. I can walk you through the steps if you like. Medicaid may be able to provide some help for your son at home, giving your family a break! They would also pay for all medical needs and appliances he may need!

I am very surprised the Hospital Social Worker didn't set these things up for you. It really shouldn't matter how far you live from a city.

I agree with the others about your family needing counseling. Especially your oldest if he is aware of everything he has lost.

Please feel free to pm me any time, I am happy to help as much as I can.

Take care,
Kathy

[smokingun35]

Smokingun, I am so sorry for your son's and your families loss. If you could share your son's limitations with me through pm, I may be able to help. I was a Social Worker for the disabled for nearly 20 years.

The first thing I would suggest is to apply for SSI and Medicaid for your son. I can walk you through the steps if you like. Medicaid may be able to provide some help for your son at home, giving your family a break! They would also pay for all medical needs and appliances he may need!

I am very surprised the Hospital Social Worker didn't set these things up for you. It really shouldn't matter how far you live from a city.

I agree with the others about your family needing counseling. Especially your oldest if he is aware of everything he has lost.

Please feel free to pm me any time, I am happy to help as much as I can.

Take care,
Kathy

Thanks Kathy. I have sent you a PM