Life sucks !!

[ESL]

Hello to all who read this,

My wife of 22 years passed away on Jan. 29, 09, from Metachromatic Leukodystrophy. She was diagnosed 5 years ago. And in those 5 years, I lost my mother, my father, my two best friends whom I have known for over 25 years, 3 aunts, 2 uncles, 2 cousins, my dog, and a friend I work with.
When my dad died, my mom lost it and I had to be her rock and take care of business. When she passed away, I had to take care of business and take care of my wife. When my friends passed away, ( two separate incidents), my wife was in diapers, I had to feed her, and push her around in a wheelchair so there was no time to grieve.
The aunts and uncles just piled more stress on my shoulders. The dog was the worst of all, until my wife passed away.
There is no more family, no close friends, no pets, no reason for me to keep living… But I do. Wake up every morning wondering why? The only thought that keeps me breathing is that there MUST be something pretty damn fantastic coming down the line for me.
The loneliness is what gets to me. Truly, I just spent 5 days at home. And I have not uttered a word. No one said anything to me at the grocery store. No calls. Only bills and junk mail in the mailbox. I am alone on a planet with 6 billion people on it. Where the hell is my happy ending?????:eek:

[moose53]

((((((ESL)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/huggiebears.gif

I'm sorry. I wish you weren't having to go through any of this. I understand, personally, some of what you're going through.

There's just no way to hurry getting through grief. If it's suppressed, it'll come out later. It took me over 13 years to get over my younger brother's suicide, cause I was told 'don't cry'. In the 13th year I ended up in the psychiatric hospital and I DID cry, finally.

You've barely started on the road for grieving for your wife. It's even harder when they're too young and the disease is unfair and cruel. Not only do you lose the PERSON, you also lose the responsibility for that person -- the caretaking. So ... what was taking up the major part of your day is gone in an instant AND your heart is broken.

We have a lot of good forums here -- one for grief, one for emotional support. I see you've already found the one for MLD.

Since there's been so much grief in my own life, I've got a couple of suggestions that will help over time. One is to write all the memories that you have of you wife. Get a blank book and just start writing. The good things. The bad things. The funny things. There's gonna be other people in your family and in your life who will wish that they had known her. Through your words, they will be able to. Our disorganized, overwhelmed brains tend to want us to forget everything except what's happening right this minute. You can prevent that by writing about your memories.

The other thing that I can suggest is that you talk about her as much as you can to everyone that you can. There's a saying that I read in a book once -- tea and talk are Jewish therapy, you talk until your pain and your grief become one more experience that you share with others. I kind of liked the saying because it demonstrates that THE ONLY THING THAT YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP IS THE PAIN AND THE GRIEF. You do not have to give up your wife or the history that you two had together. I've been divorced since 1979. He passed away in 1996. I STILL dream about him.

ESL, take the rest of the year to treat yourself well. Eat right. Sleep well. Drink your coffee and your tea out of something besides paper. Don't try to force yourself into situations that you're not ready for -- dating, hanging around people that piss you off. Don't make any big decisions like selling houses or throwing your wife's clothes out.

There's a reason why Jews wait until the end of the first year to place a stone on the grave. You NEED that entire year to start getting your balance back.

Maybe check into fostering a dog. There are a lot of animals that need temporary homes to recover from trauma. You'd be good at sheltering and protecting a little soul while it gets back on it's feet.

You've got a long year ahead of you, ESL. I don't know about being rewarded for going through hell. But, you WILL BE rewarded for taking care of another human being that needed it. And, you will be rewarded for the care and love that you gave your little doggie friend.

I understand the loneliness. It's too soon, really, for you to interact with people. But, going to a play in the afternoon, or going to a concert at your local church or synagogue, or sitting in the park with a cup of coffee and a good book -- all of these will help you continue the connection to other people, without pushing too soon when you're not really ready.

I know a lot of us who have been caretakers tended to push other people out of our lives -- the people you worked with, your family, your friends. Try to connect up with these people again -- something simple, like coffee, or going out for pizza, or going to a movie.

You've made a really good first step by coming here. Continue taking the steps. It gets easier. And the fact that you stepped up to the plate and did what was necessary will be a comfort to you as you start to heal.

I took care of my Mom while she was in hospice. I was with her when she passed. A truly blessed experience for me.

There'll come a time in the future when you'll think of something that you and your wife did together -- and the first feeling will be laughter and a smile, not pain. That's when the healing actually starts.

Bless you, ESL. There are a lot of out here that have walked a similar road. We all understand. And we all are ready to help.

Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/holding-hands.gif

[houghchrst]

I can't top what Barb said, she is always so eloquent and caring. Just wanted you to know I hear you, say hi, and give you a hug.

((((((((((ESL)))))))))

[joy]

it has been a long battle for you. i so admire you for sticking with it and i know it meant the world to your wife.

i imagine you are still a young enough person and i hope you will take some time for yourself now. explore anything and everything that interest you. i hope you will keep us in mind and will let us know how you are doing from time to time.

if anybody ever deserves a break now i'd say it was you and i hope the best things in life are out there waiting for you.

[Buttons2]

You're a true survivor. Stick around & maybe find some support here. (((hugs)))

[ESL]

A BIG thank you to everyone who replied. Your comforting words and advice is taken to heart, I assure you. I know I have a long way to go in my recovery of what life has dealt me, but I'll get there.

Again, thank you.

[joy]

it is good to hear from you again ESL.. i can usually be found in the forum for emotional support. i'd be glad to yap with you here or there, anywhere if you'd like to stay around.

[Buttons2]

We'll be glad to get to know you ESL. Ya might be surprised how supportive a cyber group can be. Helps to share afterall.