Therapists... support

[waves]

Mags brings us hope. Yoyo and I are in the creek and fishing for paddles.thanks for thinking of me waves... esp in the middle of such heartbroken times.and my thanks to you too.and make no mistake, when these people let us down we are heartbroken.and terrified. i'm terrified. i have thought about changing therapist but i had recently started to open up... and boy i don't even want to open up about some stuff, you know, at all. When in there you are vulnerable and you choose to be because that is what you need to do. He disrespected that.yeah, hugely, and it isn't the first time but never was it so gutwrenching...at the very very least he should have apologizedhe excused himself when he picked up. afterward i was already dressing quickly, requested scripts and left... popping back only to cancel my appointment (today) which he refused to cancel when i refused to answer when he asked me what was wrong. (Hence appointment today.)does it mean you should finish with him? i don't think so. this could be an opportunity for you to grow a little. i can't tell you what to do.. but this could be a chance to make a better relationship with him.that's a toughie. i don't know.

he is (was?) my only outlet Besides this forum - sort of - I mean, here now in a dedicated forum, we have some ghostly apparition of a trigger-happy sticky. then, friends can't handle even hearing things, least of all my parents. and MY T WHO IS A PDOC shut me out. what do i have to do, go in there with [something i would have to put big blinky goaway thingies around if i typed it] to tell him i need help? in that particular session, i pulled some painfully tangled worms out of hats... all sensitive topics - ullltra Sensitive , So to Speak.

another time that bugged me was when we were still settling appointments and he took a call. i sat to wait and he said no i'll take it so i was left to walk out of the office (he usually sees everyone out, shakes hands etc etc). i called and cancelled my next appt and then he had 3 weeks vacation... that was 5 weeks in doo doo.

in these two instances, and many others, the calls are personal. Ok, suppose he has an ill or elderly person he must care for...... but wouldn''t that beg the question: is he fully available (to me) as a therapist? ... no. and if that is not the case, how can i tell a doctor what would seem pretty dern obvious? i would tend to think anybody would have let the call go to voicemail. he has that and more - it isn't a tech thing. i felt invisible, superfluous... the more than when i entered.

so i am supposed to see him today - i'd leave home 3 hours from now. i wrote him 2 (unsent) emails i think i may print out. i know, i haven't talked to him yet. and i don't even want to. but tomorrow and friday are public holidays. then, over the Christmas period, there are more public holidays than the US observes, so he is likely to be on 2-3 weeks vacation. so, i will grit my teeth and go, today. i have already given myself permission to arrive late and leave early, to talk about "incident" or not as i prefer.

i also owe him lots of money (which i do not have). he is seeing me on credit. :o

i'm thinking of you, and thinking geez, at least i have someone i can see... in that sense i am lucky. I wonder if we both might not end up in better therapy situations. Like Mags did.

take care of yourself

((( hugs )))

~ waves ~

[mags]

Waves and Yoyo,

I truely hope and pray that you both end up in a better therapy situation. I don't know if you guys remember when I was so scared to start over with a new pdoc and tdoc, but I was scared s#itless! I realize now, looking back, that while my old therapist was good, he was nothing(!) compared to the T I am seeing now. I have always been fiercly afraid of change, but it turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

My first T, many years ago now, died from ALS. This was after 3 years of seeing him. I loved that man. Not "in love", he was one of the best people I have ever known. He knew *almost* everything about me, and I trusted him with all my heart. I didn't really get to say goodbye to him. It was so very hard losing him.

Anyway, the first thing I asked my next T was, do you have ALS or any other illness that you know of? (Well, actually, the *very* first thing I asked him was, "Do I have a booger hanging out of my nose?" LOL I had just gotten done blowing my nose, and hadn't had the chance to look in a mirror. :p It was a good ice-breaker!) I was so worried about opening that can of worms again, only to have him die on me. But, I had to give it a try, afraid though I was. He helped me a lot, mostly just by "being there", but he taught me some coping skills. Also, in looking back, he really drilled into my brain that when I had some kind of big emotional reaction to something, well, that was "the borderline" or "the bipolar" talking.

Now, with my new T, he says things like "Why can't your emotional reaction just be due to the fact that the situation warranted that kind of reaction?" or "The fact that you have never learned how to properly express your emotions, makes your reaction perfectly understandable." (normal for what *I* know.) He has assured me that all the bad things that happened *to* me, were not my fault. Someone else was responsible for those things, and I was left holding the bag. I had been beating myself up every day of my life for things that were not my fault! I really lit into myself too, assuring myself that I was the worst person in the world, I didn't deserve to be happy, I was hopeless, helpless, and useless. I thought I was "less".

As it turns out, I am none of those things...and neither are any of you guys! I know it's hard to believe, but it is true. I have a lot to offer this world, although, I haven't figured out what exactly (hey, I'm working on it.) But, I have seen the light, the fact that, as the guy on SNL would say, I *am* good enough, and gosh darn it, people like me (I saw that someone had mentioned that guy somewhere around here...heck, I'm not even sure what thread I'm in right now :p )

It's so hard to accept at first, this newfound optimism and self worth, with me having drilled into my own head how horrible a person I was my entire life. I felt like I was just humoring my T by listening to this "load of crap". But, it slowly started creeping in my brain. I started out by demanding my basic rights and needs. That's really where it all begins isn't it? As a baby, you cried out when you needed something, like food, human contact, to be comforted when you were scared. You (we) all deserve those things, and much, much more. There is so much more to life than living in a pit of depression, and anyone who knows me, knows I have spent my time in the pit -- payed my dues, so to speak. I called out for a rope, and I received a ladder. I know I was lucky in that respect, and not everyone is, but never ever stop demanding your rights and needs. Keep trying until you get there.

Then when you reach that point, there will be no turning back, and you will start to add in your "wants" too. For me, it started out slow, it was so hard to accept that I was OK, I am even GOOD, and maybe, just maybe...GREAT.

It has been a hard battle. I guarentee you it won't be easy, but it is SO worth it. Keep trying, and don't ever stop.

Wow, believe it or not, I could go on and on, but I have to go to the bathroom, like you wouldn't believe, and have to feed my son lunch. I hope you guys don't feel like I'm being preachy, I just wish you all could feel the hope, and excitement I am feeling. Yes, there is fear mixed in there, but it's better than fear *and* hopelessness.

Love you guys,

mags

Edited to add something humorous. I saw my T last night, he has a couple regular chairs and a recliner in his office. I have always sat in the regular chair, except one time when we were doing relaxation hypnosis. My back was really hurting, so I asked him if he minded if I sat in the recliner. He looked at me and said "Of course you can...I wonder why you felt that you had to ask." I said "I was just being polite...sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." LOL!

[yoyo_girl]

I'm sorry Mags.. I don't remember you at all.:o You seem nice and all, please forgive me for not wanting to engage you ... I am just not capable. Your positive attitude is a good thing, but I cannot process that right now. I'm sorry.

here now in a dedicated forum, we have some ghostly apparition of a trigger-happy sticky.

waves... i'm not sure what that means :confused: do you mean that even in a bipolar forum there is a trigger warning? If yes, then personally, I would disregard it. I'm dead serious. There was a trigger marathon thing around here at one point.

there is one thing that caught my eye... that your T is your pdoc. i don't know what to say because i know you are already not sure about continuing.. i don't want to influence you. i just have the idea that the two jobs should be seperate maybe.. i don't know. i mean, if it was a really good relationship.. i guess for myself i don't want the person holding the prescription pad always being that privy to my every thought and feeling.

i think i understand better why you feel so upset and lost... it's all resting with the one person.

i hope things went well for you today

[mags]

I'm sorry Mags.. I don't remember you at all.:o You seem nice and all, please forgive me for not wanting to engage you ... I am just not capable. Your positive attitude is a good thing, but I cannot process that right now. I'm sorry.

yoyo_girl, I was under the assumption that you were an old member of this board, under a new name. I believe I read that somewhere, although, I could be wrong or misinterpreted something. If so I am sorry. Since you don't remember me at all, then I was apparently wrong. I have been a member of this forum for years, and have never had someone say to me that they didn't want to "engage me", and frankly, I think that was very rude. I may be in a positive mindframe, but my feelings can still be hurt. Also, I'm not sure why you would need to "process" my positive attitude. I poured my feelings and thoughts out, take them or leave them. I'll be sure not to address you specifically again.

---------------------------

Well, to anyone who knows me, and wants to engage me, I just wanted to let you know I will be taking another break from the board. Feel free to PM me.

mags

[yoyo_girl]

there was no intent to hurt your feelings. My comment was only that i am in a very vulnerable place and didn't feel like i could relate well to someone i didn't know. There was no ill will behind it. The processing was about me.. you are obviously doing very well, and have gained a lot from the therapists you have seen. I am honestly and openly happy for you about that. ANyone who knows me here knows I am genuine in that. What I was getting at was that it is so far beyond what I am able to visualize and understand myself right now that I can't digest it. My comments were entirely about me.

i am an older member, and under a new name (for a good reason)... but i honestly don't remember having talked with you before. It could be that you've been most active in the times when I have not. This board has been home to me for over 5 yrs, but i often go away for months and months.

[bizi]

Waves and Yoyo,

I truely hope and pray that you both end up in a better therapy situation. I don't know if you guys remember when I was so scared to start over with a new pdoc and tdoc, but I was scared s#itless! I realize now, looking back, that while my old therapist was good, he was nothing(!) compared to the T I am seeing now. I have always been fiercly afraid of change, but it turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

My first T, many years ago now, died from ALS. This was after 3 years of seeing him. I loved that man. Not "in love", he was one of the best people I have ever known. He knew *almost* everything about me, and I trusted him with all my heart. I didn't really get to say goodbye to him. It was so very hard losing him.

Anyway, the first thing I asked my next T was, do you have ALS or any other illness that you know of? (Well, actually, the *very* first thing I asked him was, "Do I have a booger hanging out of my nose?" LOL I had just gotten done blowing my nose, and hadn't had the chance to look in a mirror. :p It was a good ice-breaker!) I was so worried about opening that can of worms again, only to have him die on me. But, I had to give it a try, afraid though I was. He helped me a lot, mostly just by "being there", but he taught me some coping skills. Also, in looking back, he really drilled into my brain that when I had some kind of big emotional reaction to something, well, that was "the borderline" or "the bipolar" talking.

Now, with my new T, he says things like "Why can't your emotional reaction just be due to the fact that the situation warranted that kind of reaction?" or "The fact that you have never learned how to properly express your emotions, makes your reaction perfectly understandable." (normal for what *I* know.) He has assured me that all the bad things that happened *to* me, were not my fault. Someone else was responsible for those things, and I was left holding the bag. I had been beating myself up every day of my life for things that were not my fault! I really lit into myself too, assuring myself that I was the worst person in the world, I didn't deserve to be happy, I was hopeless, helpless, and useless. I thought I was "less".

As it turns out, I am none of those things...and neither are any of you guys! I know it's hard to believe, but it is true. I have a lot to offer this world, although, I haven't figured out what exactly (hey, I'm working on it.) But, I have seen the light, the fact that, as the guy on SNL would say, I *am* good enough, and gosh darn it, people like me (I saw that someone had mentioned that guy somewhere around here...heck, I'm not even sure what thread I'm in right now :p )

It's so hard to accept at first, this newfound optimism and self worth, with me having drilled into my own head how horrible a person I was my entire life. I felt like I was just humoring my T by listening to this "load of crap". But, it slowly started creeping in my brain. I started out by demanding my basic rights and needs. That's really where it all begins isn't it? As a baby, you cried out when you needed something, like food, human contact, to be comforted when you were scared. You (we) all deserve those things, and much, much more. There is so much more to life than living in a pit of depression, and anyone who knows me, knows I have spent my time in the pit -- payed my dues, so to speak. I called out for a rope, and I received a ladder. I know I was lucky in that respect, and not everyone is, but never ever stop demanding your rights and needs. Keep trying until you get there.

Then when you reach that point, there will be no turning back, and you will start to add in your "wants" too. For me, it started out slow, it was so hard to accept that I was OK, I am even GOOD, and maybe, just maybe...GREAT.

It has been a hard battle. I guarentee you it won't be easy, but it is SO worth it. Keep trying, and don't ever stop.

Wow, believe it or not, I could go on and on, but I have to go to the bathroom, like you wouldn't believe, and have to feed my son lunch. I hope you guys don't feel like I'm being preachy, I just wish you all could feel the hope, and excitement I am feeling. Yes, there is fear mixed in there, but it's better than fear *and* hopelessness.

Love you guys,

mags

Edited to add something humorous. I saw my T last night, he has a couple regular chairs and a recliner in his office. I have always sat in the regular chair, except one time when we were doing relaxation hypnosis. My back was really hurting, so I asked him if he minded if I sat in the recliner. He looked at me and said "Of course you can...I wonder why you felt that you had to ask." I said "I was just being polite...sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." LOL!


I am so happy for you mags!!!
You are headed in a great direction...you are worthy of a good life and again I want you to know that I care about you...keep posting...keep talking...I am here.
((((HUGS))))
bizi