the world has ended

[yoyo_girl]

the T doesn't want to pursue the loop hole, and it was a slim chance anyway. He said that he felt that to make arrangements to continue seeing me would be setting me up to feel like I would still need him... he said he didn't want to do anything that would leave me feeling needy or dependent.

too late.

i am needy.

i am already dependent.

i can't do this anymore.

i can't do the things that would mean any real change in my physical world... i know what they are, I can tell you why i need to do them. I can tell you all about what a healthy relationship should be like, and all that positive clap-trap that you can find in any selfhelp book or therapist's office.

But i can't do them.

There is something that happens in my brain that I cannot control.

And, as my T pointed out, the alternative I face is grim.

i am lost.

i know full well that i am/was substituting my T for another source of approval/connection. I know he is/was symbolic in that way. but i need that symbol.. and now, i won't have it. i don't even know how many sessions we have left... he didn't mention anything about after the holiday break. I am supposed to see him once more next week.

i have run out of reasons to struggle and fight for each day. i have run out of any ability to hold on by my fingernails just to be able to walk through life looking functional.

i look normal. My T's secretary thinks I am cool (because of my appearance...I am ... different, not beautiful...different). I do normal things each day.

What no one gets is that I am a shell.

I feel like a tornado inside. I often feel like screaming and crying all at once. I feel lonely... sad and desperate. Even when I am up.. I feel almost dizzy.. the chaos is still there it's just more tolerable in a way.

a lot of what my T says about me not needing him or another T is right... the trouble is that I am not like everyone else. I am thrown about by this illness. I keep having my brain reset to some horrible setting... like that movie groundhog day. I make progress and then my illness unravels it.

i don't cross a bridge and move on, I cross it then come back for another go.

in the face of extreme stress I have the very real possibility of losing my mind. I face higher than "normal" odds of killing myself or falling into psychosis.

so, when faced with a psychologically challenging or threatening idea...do I push or not? and if I do... who will be there?

i see my pdoc on thursday.

[Mari]

Dear Yoyo,
Hold on to yourself. You can make it to the pdoc appointment.

I don't know what to say about the therapist. It is a big deal and very complicated. Ask the pdoc. Maybe he at the least has some calming words.

And you do get to see the therapist again. Maybe one of his jobs will be to help you transition to a new therapist.

Be all right.
You can hold on.
Mari

[bizi]

Dear yo yo girl,
I am sorry.
I want to say that I am sorry that your t is redirecting you.

You may not want to hear this but I want you to think about it.
I can't remember what meds you are taking but if you are not taking any antipyschotic med like geodon or abilfy or seroquel or zyprexa then I think it may be a good idea to try one of these if your pdoc will prescribe them.
What you are struggling with sounds like a depression with psychotic features...this edge that you are referring to ...
This is the bipolar winning.
You must call tomorrow to discuss this with your pdoc...I don't think you can wait until thursday.
I think what mari suggested is a good idea.
There are other therapists who will want to help you help yourself.
You have some final coming up or have you put that on hold?
I am thinking about you and sending some positive energy to encourage you to hang on....

hot line number

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to call if you would like
to talk to someone in person.
1-800-273-TALK.

hugs and love
bizi

[Bdix30]

i don't cross a bridge and move on, I cross it then come back for another go.

The point being - you are still brave enough to cross it again. Even if you don't like it, and dont feel strong. You are a fighter; a determined, worthy, and hardworking woman - and you dont even see it!

You can do this, and you will do this; even if it feels impossible right now. I fully believe in you.
((((huge hugs))))

[waves]

What Bobi said is true... you have to be a fighter to come again for another round...

i read all of your post and right now have whirling thoughts but have to say, right now, that i am here for you, i am thinking of you, i think of you even when offline.

I am so sorry your T is really taking the hard line... i will probably say more on that later.

I know how hard it is to be in that shell, and have people admire it, while within anguish reigns.

I too would like for you to call your pdoc, and see if you can take something or do something different.

know that you - YOU - are a great gift to this forum.

right, now, let me give you some "interim" HUGGGS and i will post more later.

HOLD ON.

~ waves ~ sends love and soothing vibes

[bizi]

Post to us when you can....
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[yoyo_girl]

i don't think i'm psychotic bizi. i don't think anything about how i feel is psychotic or irrational. what i think is that the emotional/mental connection in me doesn't work and maybe never has. i have often said that i have an emotional amplifier.. and that is my tornado. When I feel anything it is so much more intense than what other people seem to feel.

in ten years that hasn't changed. meds make me stable, meaning that i don't cycle up and down...much. they don't make me feel ok. sometimes i feel good, i'm not denying that, i just don't feel normal. please...dear god...don't anyone try to tell me there's no normal etc etc. how i feel is way off any idea of normal.

[bizi]

I feel like a tornado inside. I often feel like screaming and crying all at once. I feel lonely... sad and desperate. Even when I am up.. I feel almost dizzy.. the chaos is still there it's just more tolerable in a way.

.

Sweetie,
I am sorry that I didnot explain what I meant....I don't think you are psychotic....seroquel cna help calm down racing thoughts....
sorry if I offended you.
Know that I did not mean to...
I keep having to apoligize for my thoughts...maybe I need to take a break from here....
bizi

[yoyo_girl]

i'm not offended bizi... honest. i'm sorry if i sounded abrupt. :(

what i mean is that the meds don't fix it... they just make me less upset by it. i can't take seroquel, i react badly to it. i haven't found an AP that works well continuously for me.

i am so sorry bizi... i would never mean to upset you.

[bizi]

Dear yo yo,
I am glad that we got a chance to talk...it helps me to better understand your struggle.
hang in there and know that you are cared about...and worthy of a better saner life...without abuse...to feel loved and cherished.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

[waves]

know that you are cared about...and worthy of a better saner life...without abuse...to feel loved and cherished.i second that. bizi said it too well for further comment.

hugs to both of you

~ waves ~

[waves]

Yoyo,

preface - these are just thoughts. i can be very analytical but that doesn't mean i don't bark up plenty arbitrary trees... so take what i say lightly, and do not think on it if it is too bothersome.

i just want to relate about another person - you may recall RavensWing - who had a variety of struggles, was supposedly bipolar, suffered migraines, and nothing helped... completely. she also didn't feel "normal" most of the time, albeit in a different way - different person.

i recall one of her last (before crash) posts, she was doing much better - they had found some other pathology that they were able to treat her for.

On a different bent, interesting what you say about disconnection of emotions and thoughts... sounds almost like a blockade. and when you have any emotion it shoots forth and then some before you can get the cork back on the bottle? am i making any sense? the analyst across the ocean will shut up now.

warm hugs... i wish i could give you a real one... i *know* about physical contact... or lack thereof.

~ waves ~

[bizi]

yo yo,
you have had some really challeging days and are holding up with everything that is goin on,
Hang in there!!!
continue being strog and you will make it thru ,,,I promise!
fall down 7 times get up 8....