mags
12-05-2006, 04:39 PM
I'm really not sure if I fit into the bipolar diagnosis anymore. I don't care...I don't want it anymore anyway. ;) It's just weird that for so long I did seem to fit it. I have read tons of information on bipolar over the years, and I sometimes I thought, man, that is totally me.
Now, I am feeling better emotionally, thanks to my new therapist. He has done wonders for my whole way of viewing myself and my life. I used to think that I was a hopeless case. I was sucked into the local mental health system, and they had a real grip on me (for 7 years!) They made me sicker by shoving every med under the sun down my throat, and taking away my hope, which is such a terrible thing to live without.
I truely think that what my problem was (and still is, but to a lesser degree), was severe emotional problems. My emotional growth was stunted at a young age. I think that my mood swings/emotional outbursts/(hypo)mania/WHATEVER, were directly associated with not having the tools to maintain emotional stability (possibly not a chemical imbalance, so to speak). The lack of any parental guidance, and everything tramatic that happened (what happened, is not really of relevence anymore to me, because it just doesn't matter what it was, what matters now, is sorting it all out, and moving on.)
All that being said, I am still on medications. I take Lamictal, Xanax, and the occasional Adderall for energy and focus. I am so afraid to go off my meds, because I don't know what I would do if I relapsed. I have a pdoc who I've only seen a couple of times, but she's got my records from the old mental health system, and I wish she didn't. I would love a fresh start, take some time (however long it takes) and really figure out what is/was wrong with me. My therapist really (really!) thinks I can get better...like all the way better, over time, of course.
I do trust him, and I think he may be right. When I was stuck in that other "system", I had absolutely no hope. It's like as soon as you walk in the door, they rob you of hope. It's so sad, really. Lately, all the beautiful colors of the world have been popping out at me, whereas before, my world was just shades of grey.
This is also the FIRST winter in several years where I haven't had the deep depression hit me. Usually I'd be laid out by depression by now. I don't feel manic, I feel excited about life.
Well, that's where I am today...let's how it goes tomorrow...LOL
Now, I am feeling better emotionally, thanks to my new therapist. He has done wonders for my whole way of viewing myself and my life. I used to think that I was a hopeless case. I was sucked into the local mental health system, and they had a real grip on me (for 7 years!) They made me sicker by shoving every med under the sun down my throat, and taking away my hope, which is such a terrible thing to live without.
I truely think that what my problem was (and still is, but to a lesser degree), was severe emotional problems. My emotional growth was stunted at a young age. I think that my mood swings/emotional outbursts/(hypo)mania/WHATEVER, were directly associated with not having the tools to maintain emotional stability (possibly not a chemical imbalance, so to speak). The lack of any parental guidance, and everything tramatic that happened (what happened, is not really of relevence anymore to me, because it just doesn't matter what it was, what matters now, is sorting it all out, and moving on.)
All that being said, I am still on medications. I take Lamictal, Xanax, and the occasional Adderall for energy and focus. I am so afraid to go off my meds, because I don't know what I would do if I relapsed. I have a pdoc who I've only seen a couple of times, but she's got my records from the old mental health system, and I wish she didn't. I would love a fresh start, take some time (however long it takes) and really figure out what is/was wrong with me. My therapist really (really!) thinks I can get better...like all the way better, over time, of course.
I do trust him, and I think he may be right. When I was stuck in that other "system", I had absolutely no hope. It's like as soon as you walk in the door, they rob you of hope. It's so sad, really. Lately, all the beautiful colors of the world have been popping out at me, whereas before, my world was just shades of grey.
This is also the FIRST winter in several years where I haven't had the deep depression hit me. Usually I'd be laid out by depression by now. I don't feel manic, I feel excited about life.
Well, that's where I am today...let's how it goes tomorrow...LOL