A day in the life of a...

[roadracer]

A day in the life of a... ME (might be a tad long, so only read if you really want to)

This chaotic story starts with describing what this morning was like for me

It seems just after I fell asleep at 3 am, my usually time going to bed, the alarm BUZZES at 6 in the morning and I about jump threw the roof. Time for me to get up to go on a training ride. I go to get some cereal for breakfast, but I see we are all out, I ALWAYS eat cereal for breakfast and nothing else. About a half hour later I go to get a shower, but since I still have the sound of the alarm going off in my head I listen to some music a little to try to relax to get the sound out of my head.

Finally I get in the shower, cant stand this darn water hitting me, it is one of the worst feelings ever. Would love to just fill up the tube and get a bath instead, as it is much more tolerable, but after a dozen times of trying to fill the tube, then walking away and forgetting about it, only for my parents to find the bathroom flooding... well, I am only allowed to take showers at my house.

So I start at my head and wash my way down my body so I don't forget a bodypart. The darn water is so horrible feeling and distracting that by the time I get to my belly I am asking myself if I remembered to wash my face. So I start over again just to be sure and so on and so on till I think that I have done a good enough job. I do that every time I take a shower. I look at my chart and list to remind me what I still have to do, and it reminds me that I still need to brush my teeth and put on some deodorant.

I am getting ready for my ride, when it ocures to me that I didn't look at the weather yet, so I bring up the weather website only to find that there is a 90% chance of thunderstorms and the ride would be canceled. So I hop back into bed to catch up on some needed sleep, but am really frustrated because I should have looked at the weather first and just have went back to sleep, instead I went threw the whole morning routine just to find out that it was storming out. UGH

So soon I am sleeping again, then only to come to finding out that I am sleepwalking in the bathroom. (nothing out of ordinary for me)
So I get back to bed and spend a couple more hours tossing and turning because I can feel every single crease and fold in the sheets and pillow, driving me crazy, till I finally gave up and just got up for the day.
I turn up some music real load, and hop on the stationary bike for a couple hours to get some training in

fast forward threw a bunch of uneventful time spent on the computer, to tonight

I need to take the movies I rented back by 9, it is 8:30 and the movie place is only down the street. I hop in my car and drive on down there. It is one of those machines that you rent the movies from, like a vending machine, you pick what movie you want, swipe your charge card and return them the next day.
So I am there to return them but there are some people who are aimlessly trying to rent some movies but are just taking forever, they are really getting on my nerves, combined with everything else going on around me. I can feel it building on me, but I am trying to hold it together as I need to return the movies. then soon there is a family with a bunch of kids who are yelling at each other there who cut infront of me, probably my fault because I had a bunch of room between me and the other people. So that just added to it and I am running to get back into my car trying to hold myself together. Pulling out I tested how fast my car can accelerate (didnt do to bad) and make it back home. So I walk back in the door with the movies very mad in meltdown mode, only to have my parents wondering and questioning me of why I didn't return the movies, so I storm to my room in full meltdown, trying to get the thoughts out of my head and feel better, so I ended up using the only method I have available for that and my hand pretty sore now (I am working on using those other methods, but sometimes I cant resist and just have to do it to get myself calm, I manage to only do that during the worst times now though)

This is a average day for me, and every single time I come to this board I think, it would be so great to communicate these things with people in person like I do on this board. It would be so great to explain things to my parents and have conversations with them about these sort of things.

[peglem]

This is a average day for me, and every single time I come to this board I think, it would be so great to communicate these things with people in person like I do on this board. It would be so great to explain things to my parents and have conversations with them about these sort of things.

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough here to share this....have you ever tried writing it up for your parents? I'm not sure why you feel like you can't share it with them. If they're at all like me, they'd love to have their child demystified.

[roadracer]

I have tried sharing things like this with them, but there are a hunderd reasons why it never works out. First they are the type that keeps all there feelings inside and never talks to anyone about them. We never hug, never say 'I love you', heck I dont even get a 'goodnight'. I often wonder why they cant talk about feelings or anything like that. Second thing is that I have to time it right, as to get a time when my mom is not drinking. Third I have to get her to actually read it without telling me she would rather have me try to say it instead. Sure it is nice to give it a try, but she knows I cant so I am not sure why she wants it spoken. Another thing is that since she has little understanding of my problems she will ask a bunch of questions, like she did the other times I tried to talk about these sort of things. The people here know about these sort of things I write about, they have read books, did a bunch of reading on the topics. My mother has never read any of the books or ever looked anything up online, or ever talked about this stuff with me. Finally, she has always thought like 'what do the doctors know' like she would never believe anything a psychologist would say, to her I am fine, but have just always been lazy and need to try harder. I guess it is easier for her to have always ignored things and just deal with the things she has to then to admit there are actually problems going on. I could keep going on forever with problems that cause us to not be able to have these kinds of conversations. The last time I tried to tell her about sensory issues, years ago, I typed out a long paper about it and handed it to her to read, the only thing she would say is that I should go talk to a psychologist about it, and that is her way of telling me that she thinks I have some sort of mental illness, as her understanding is that you go to a psychologist when you are mentally ill. I am telling you, when I was in school and had learning disabilities dx (and she told me this) that she understood all about them because the doctor gave her a pamphlet that explaned it all. So she does know me a lot of the troubles I have, but not really anymore then that.

[peglem]

I don't have a good answer for you. I wish things could be better between you and your folks. My parents, especially my dad, were very much the same as yours, minus the drinking. I remember when my oldest brother was 18 he signed up to join the navy. The day he left, my mom hugged him goodbye. It was an exceptional thing, that hug...and I think my mom felt awkward about it. She said things like, "It was really sad to see him go. I even hugged him good-bye," I was only about 12 at the time. It didn't seem at all strange to me that hugging your child was such a big deal...it seldom happened after infancy. Yet I know my mom loved us all-it was just open affection made her so uncomfortable. She did amazing things to make our childhood enjoyable.

It wasn't until several of her children grew up and left home that she overcame her discomfort of hugging and saying she loves us...she's all about that now. I think she was that way for a couple of reasons. First of all, she was just raised that way herself, and so was my dad. Second, she married a man who rationalized his fear of emotions by making it seem like open expressions of love meant you were weak.

Look at me all off on a tangent...anyway, I just wanted to say that your mom most likely has been so uncomfortable expressing love most of her life, she just never learned how. When she tells you you're just lazy or not trying hard enough, I think that's her way of saying she sees talent and high potential and wonderful abilities in you (she's proud of you for those things). And she probably thinks she is being supportive to tell you that- because that should motivate you to achieve. (in her mind)

[Aspigander]

Do you think typing something up and giving it to your dad instead of your mom might help? I get a sense from other posts/threads that might not help, but thought I'd ask in case I'm wrong about that.

I have some issues getting my parents to understand where I'm coming from as well. Even though I can speak, sometimes doing so, actually having a conversation about it will increase anxiety to the point of meltdown, or my mom won't want to talk about it so sometimes I'll try emailing it. Not sure how effective that is. I wish I could offer some advice on the whole communication with parents thing.

Sounds like my parents are the opposite of yours on the open affection thing. In fact, I think my hugging awkwardness bothers my mom, because sometimes I will be 'corrected' by her for not giving a "real" hug. That can get irksome.

[tgrimes]

RR,
I do think I am not the only parent who pretty much stops hugging their kids past the age of teens. Especially boys. It's almost an instinct to stop hugging and saying i love you, if my husband started doing that even to me everyday i would be worried he was up to something... that's the way it is done in a lot of families. (someone please correct me if I'm all wrong) So that part, it just becomes kind of awkward past a certain age or time dating, or being married. There are other things your mom does to show you she loves you then, like provide you with food, shelter, (car?) i really don't understand the relationship as you describe it, you say she does not believe you are disabled, yet why then would she continue to support you into adulthood? She therefore must be in agreement with you on that.
Anyway, if your mom is like me, then if you need a hug you need to walk up and hug her, she may not even realize this is something you want, or would be receptive to. The only time i hug my older kids is when 1. I haven't seen them in a long time, 2. They are being congratulated, 3. there is some kind of problem and they look like they need it, but also look receptive.
So what I am trying to say is i think some people just figure once there is unconditional love and acceptance between adult family members, the rituals become less important. Do you at least feel your mom is accepting of you?

[roadracer]

I did get those movies returnd tonight, and there were a bunch of people there to taking there good old time, but I held it together this time.

AspiG. no, talking to my dad I would be better off just talking to the wall, lol

[milivica]

RR, I didn't come from a hugging family either, no "I love you's", I have never yet in over 30 years heard my ma's husband say my name, he says, "Hey" when he wants me. Living at home was a nightmare, getting out which I did at a very young age, was the best thing for me. The second best thing was them moving several states away. Now, we've come full circle to a point where I'd love them living close to me again, in case something happens to one of them...never did I think I'd want that! But I do. It took a LOT of time and distance, for me to be able to get beyond all the pain in my youth. I could not have begun to borrow their perspective without DISTANCE. Not saying I agree with how they parented, I don't, not at all. However, at least now I know what the heck they were thinking.

Also, to this day, my ma says, "You don't have asperger's, you're just a Pisces." Baawawaawaaa! Oh yeah, that must be it, I'm a Pisces. I mean, what can I say, I'll never change her, have no inclination to put any energy into it anymore, and think it's pretty darn cute that after all these years of wanting to be accepted as I am...she accepted my differences all along as an astrological condition, rather than a neurological one, hee hee.

You're in a really rough position having to live at home, I hope the things you did (was it applying for SSI or something like that??) comes through. You really need a place of your own, you deserve it, I hope to see that happen for you soon. Not cause you're parents are so bad, but cause it's just not possible to live with mom and dad forever, especially when alcohol is involved. Mine drank daily, my ma never got drunk, but her husband never got sober - except for work, he was totally dry during working hours, excluding a drink at lunch with the 'fellows' from time to time, you know, men are men and all that macho stuff.

[Nikabee]

Wow! That was great insight RR... thank you for share that.

I agree with the other posts - it sounds like you mom just isn't comfortable showing affection. Could it be that she thinks you would not like it (hugging, etc)? Everyone is different, so I might be way off on that. I grew up in a very "huggy" family (my grandpa still kisses us on the lips - which really creeps my husband out! lol), but I don't hug Kaelen near as much as I would like to because sometimes he cringes. If he's having a hard time, I don't want to make it worse. So now, I wait for him to hug me or ask for a hug. It's a little different in our case because he's only 8 and he's can still ask for hugs if he wants them. I imagine it's different once you're older.

[roadracer]

RR,
I do think I am not the only parent who pretty much stops hugging their kids past the age of teens. Especially boys. It's almost an instinct to stop hugging and saying i love you, if my husband started doing that even to me everyday i would be worried he was up to something... that's the way it is done in a lot of families. (someone please correct me if I'm all wrong) So that part, it just becomes kind of awkward past a certain age or time dating, or being married. There are other things your mom does to show you she loves you then, like provide you with food, shelter, (car?) i really don't understand the relationship as you describe it, you say she does not believe you are disabled, yet why then would she continue to support you into adulthood? She therefore must be in agreement with you on that.
Anyway, if your mom is like me, then if you need a hug you need to walk up and hug her, she may not even realize this is something you want, or would be receptive to. The only time i hug my older kids is when 1. I haven't seen them in a long time, 2. They are being congratulated, 3. there is some kind of problem and they look like they need it, but also look receptive.
So what I am trying to say is i think some people just figure once there is unconditional love and acceptance between adult family members, the rituals become less important. Do you at least feel your mom is accepting of you?

I think you misunderstood me, I know my mom loves me, I know that, she really does care about me. Like when I go away to a bike race she worries about me and says it is her job to worry, she worries that I will be safe. I know, and can see all of this. They care and support me.
The only thing I meant by hugging is like pegs described. My parents are so uncomftrable with emotion, so I cant talk about it with them, so if I wanted to say how I really feel about something and it would make my mom unconformable really fast and change the subject or not want to talk about it. They are more the 'act tough' type, like my dad thought for the longest time that the military would have solved my problems, yeah, like the military would take me, they would look at my health record and laugh

I would hope she understands I have disabilities. She has always been denying of my problems, but she knows they are there, and would never talk about them or whatever. This is probably why she does not know much about them and everything I said. For example, I remember in high school she came to a IEP meeting and the whole time her face was beet red, and she denied to the people there that I actually had any of the troubles they were trying to help me with. She has always been like this, I think that is why when I tried to talk about sensory problems by typing out a letter to her, she would only say I should go talk to a psychologist about it.
anyway what I said was really not about getting a hug, I really dont like hugs anyway
I also dont want it to sound like I only think bad about my parents, it is not like that, just maybe that is all I talk about here because I talk about the problems I have with them.

[tgrimes]

Sounds like my parents are the opposite of yours on the open affection thing. In fact, I think my hugging awkwardness bothers my mom, because sometimes I will be 'corrected' by her for not giving a "real" hug. That can get irksome.

Ugh... that does sound really bad, telling someone they didn't 'hug correctly'. Bet that really made you want more hugs :rolleyes:

[roadracer]

Wow! That was great insight RR... thank you for share that.

I agree with the other posts - it sounds like you mom just isn't comfortable showing affection. Could it be that she thinks you would not like it (hugging, etc)? Everyone is different, so I might be way off on that. I grew up in a very "huggy" family (my grandpa still kisses us on the lips - which really creeps my husband out! lol), but I don't hug Kaelen near as much as I would like to because sometimes he cringes. If he's having a hard time, I don't want to make it worse. So now, I wait for him to hug me or ask for a hug. It's a little different in our case because he's only 8 and he's can still ask for hugs if he wants them. I imagine it's different once you're older.

Well I really dont want the hug, but it would have been nice if she ever tried to give me a hug. I mean, I am 25 and my mom NEVER gave me a hug that I can remember, and believe me I would remember something like that, lol. My grandma (on my dads side) she wont let you leave the house till she gets a hug. My point was that they dont show any form of emotionaly type stuff, so really it is not about getting a hug really, but it would be nice if it happened sometime before we both get old and die.

[Aspigander]

anyway what I said was really not about getting a hug, I really dont like hugs anyway

If I may ask, do you think it has to do just with how you were raised, or do you think it's an ASD thing? Reason I ask is I'm not too fond of hugs myself (I've heard it can be a spectrum thing). The way my mom has described it is like hugging a board, and she's also said while I will reciprocate, it's like I'm pushing you away at the same time. I know I get very tense. So when I read that you don't like hugs I wondered if you think that's from how your family is, or if it's an ASD thing?

[Aspigander]

Ugh... that does sound really bad, telling someone they didn't 'hug correctly'. Bet that really made you want more hugs :rolleyes:

Oh yeah! :rolleyes:

[roadracer]

If I may ask, do you think it has to do just with how you were raised, or do you think it's an ASD thing? Reason I ask is I'm not too fond of hugs myself (I've heard it can be a spectrum thing). The way my mom has described it is like hugging a board, and she's also said while I will reciprocate, it's like I'm pushing you away at the same time. I know I get very tense. So when I read that you don't like hugs I wondered if you think that's from how your family is, or if it's an ASD thing?

asd thing for me, how you were raised thing for my mom

[tgrimes]

My parents are so uncomftrable with emotion, so I cant talk about it with them, so if I wanted to say how I really feel about something and it would make my mom unconformable really fast and change the subject or not want to talk about it. .

Oh, I see, they are just completely unemotional in general. Well I know you said a few times you tries to talk to them but they don't want to talk about feelings, but when was the last time you talked about anything together? Do you all eat dinner together, and what kind of things do you talk about then?

[Aspigander]

asd thing for me

Okay, is it a sensory thing? A social awkwardness thing (let me know if the questions are bothersome)?

I've been trying to figure out for a while what my problem is. Even if I initiate a hug, there is still awkwardness and I will stiffen. I really don't like any kind of physical affection (I would prefer, for example, if someone didn't put a hand on my shoulder, but I don't get stiff at least...more tolerable). I'm pretty sure it's an asd thing for me as well, but can't quite put my finger on *what* the actual issue is, if that makes sense.

But I'll hug/pet my animals with no problem. Go figure. lol

[roadracer]

Oh, I see, they are just completely unemotional in general. Well I know you said a few times you tries to talk to them but they don't want to talk about feelings, but when was the last time you talked about anything together? Do you all eat dinner together, and what kind of things do you talk about then?

The last time we talked about anything together, oh, if you mean a conversation, that would probably be the day before mothers day, because I got home late from a bike race and attempted to tell her all about my day, and then I gave her the mothers day gifts I made for her.
It is usually her telling me things and me trying to communicate things when I need to. If I really need to tell her something important, and it is one of those rare ocasions that I cant do it with other methods, I type it out for her. It would be nice to open some sort of communication with her like I do here, but I got to admit that when she is nervous and uncomftrable talking about things, I am also very uncomfortable and it makes it ten times more hard for me.
We dont eat dinner together, they eat dinner infront of the TV, and I eat dinner in my bedroom. I cant handle the sound of the food chewing and chomping so it is easier to just eat dinner by myself in my room. When I am at home I spend probably 99% of my time in my bedroom. I avoid so much conflict this way.

[roadracer]

Okay, is it a sensory thing? A social awkwardness thing (let me know if the questions are bothersome)?

I've been trying to figure out for a while what my problem is. Even if I initiate a hug, there is still awkwardness and I will stiffen. I really don't like any kind of physical affection (I would prefer, for example, if someone didn't put a hand on my shoulder, but I don't get stiff at least...more tolerable). I'm pretty sure it's an asd thing for me as well, but can't quite put my finger on *what* the actual issue is, if that makes sense.

But I'll hug/pet my animals with no problem. Go figure. lol

I dont know, I have not really thought about it much, and only get a hug when I am visiting my grandma, and that is not as much as I should.

[Aspigander]

It would be nice to open some sort of communication with her like I do here, but I got to admit that when she is nervous and uncomftrable talking about things, I am also very uncomfortable and it makes it ten times more hard for me.

That would be nice. You communicate VERY well here. But I'm sure her being uncomfortable is unhelpful. Being uncomfortable is kind of contagious.

I dont know, I have not really thought about it much, and only get a hug when I am visiting my grandma, and that is not as much as I should.

Sounds like, fortunately, you don't have to deal with it a whole lot.

[Nikabee]

Unfortunately, some parents don't want to talk about or learn about the problems that their kids are facing for several reasons. Either:
#1: They are just in denial. It's like the analogy of the ostrich sticking it's head in the sand... if I don't see it, it doesn't exist.
#2: They feel helpless to do anything about it (even though they'd like to), so they don't.
#3: They've been taught (either by their families or by 'professionals') that if they treat their kids like there's an issue, it will just make the issue worse. Or if they treat their kids like they're 'typical,' the kid will *become* typical.
None of those situations mean that the parents don't love their kids or that they don't want the very best for them. But parents are just people - none of us are perfect.

I don't know your parents, so I can't say for sure. Based on what you've said, my guess is that it's probably #2. They just don't know what to do and they feel helpless. The fact that your mom worries about you when you race means that she does spend a lot of time thinking about you and loving you. Ironically, the answer to feeling helpless to do anything would be to educate yourself and communicate with the person you wish you could help. But that feeling of helplessness can overwhelm a person so that they aren't able to do those things.

But you have a great blessing in knowing that your parents love you. I always tell Kaelen that while I'm not perfect, and my decisions aren't always perfect, my love for him is. I hope that covers my butt for all the "stellar" parenting moments I have (ha ha!).

[tgrimes]

The last time we talked about anything together, oh, if you mean a conversation, that would probably be the day before mothers day, because I got home late from a bike race and attempted to tell her all about my day, and then I gave her the mothers day gifts I made for her.
It is usually her telling me things and me trying to communicate things when I need to. If I really need to tell her something important, and it is one of those rare ocasions that I cant do it with other methods, I type it out for her. It would be nice to open some sort of communication with her like I do here, but I got to admit that when she is nervous and uncomftrable talking about things, I am also very uncomfortable and it makes it ten times more hard for me.
We dont eat dinner together, they eat dinner infront of the TV, and I eat dinner in my bedroom. I cant handle the sound of the food chewing and chomping so it is easier to just eat dinner by myself in my room. When I am at home I spend probably 99% of my time in my bedroom. I avoid so much conflict this way.

You do know this is dysfunctional, right? This is not good for any of you. Most of your time spent with them is having unproductive meltdowns, you don't try and communicate because you would rather avoid it... you really need to work on this some, even if it is unpleasant, otherwise you are just being disrespectful. I know it is difficult, but you need to be the one to move forward, if no one else is.

[roadracer]

You do know this is dysfunctional, right? This is not good for any of you. Most of your time spent with them is having unproductive meltdowns, you don't try and communicate because you would rather avoid it... you really need to work on this some, even if it is unpleasant, otherwise you are just being disrespectful. I know it is difficult, but you need to be the one to move forward, if no one else is.

Im the one being disrespectful? So for instance when I was little (like 9 years old) and they couldn't stand me so they would do things like shove me out the door and lock it in the middle of winter with snow on the ground, with me in my bear feet, with no other option but to walk down the street to stay at the house down the street. Or how about when I was a kid and they would have a party and force me to drink some alcohol so I would relax. How about the times they abandoned me at my grandmas to live, only to have me go back home because I wanted to be with my parents. The daily beatings with a belt because I wet the bed, how about all the other abuse and neglect, some worse then the above. I give them all the respect I could and can because if I don't/didnt I was afraid of what might happen.

I respect my parents, and we have made tons of progress because they are not the same people they once where and care about me now and I care about them. So my respect is staying in my room to avoid conflict with them so I have a place to live. I know we are built on dysfunctional and I would really love to start making progress with communicating with them. I am trying, I know I am not the best son and admit part of it is my fault. I am trying and really want to change things but I think the only way it will work is if they do some changing also. I don't have enough patience with my dads anger or my moms alcoholism so that is one reason why when I am home I spend most of my time in my room. Something as simple as me trying to talk when my dad is watching TV can cause my dad to get mad, then before you know it I am in meltdown mode, my dad is in a rage and my mom is slamming down the alcohol. I want to change things but change might cause me to be homeless. So how do I proceed??? My way of proceeding has been to get the help I need to move out. I think if I am not living with them anymore we will all have more respect for each other and things will be different. We do care about each other but things are built on dysfunctional foundation.

[tgrimes]

How to proceed? I really wish I had a good answer for you... I really wish you were underage and I could tell you get out, call socail services, because that is really mean what has gone on there, (and continues.)
do you look for jobs, or are you scared to look, i know you said something about having trouble with that.
I just can't imagine this, and I am so confused. I would be out of there so fast. (Well, you have a bike more expensive than my car, can you not sell that and make the first month's rent? :D )

[roadracer]

Well even when I was a kid in the worst of it I would have never wanted to go live somewhere else, I always wanted to be with my parents. I would have (and did) hide anything I could to be with my parents. I think any kid that gets taken away or abandoned by there parents STILL wants to be with them. So I tell this stuff now but would have hid things when that stuff was happening. Plus I think I was in the custody of my grandma, as I had to go to her house to catch the bus when I was little.
I want to move out but currently I don't have the skills yet to be able to live by myself. That is why I am have been trying to get help. I am supposed to start working with a skills trainer at IL to learn some of this stuff. I am also supposed to have a meeting soon with assistance office to apply for help I can get and medical. I also started with vocational rehabilitation. The hard part is that it seems like I got to send a hundred e-mails to my counselor before they will make a phone call or anything, I also get my advocate person to call to, it just takes forever with everyone so far, so I haven't really got that far yet. What are my other options, I really dont want to go to a group home, or something like that. I only hear bad things about those places so I dont think it would be any better then what it is like now.
Also want to add that I do have good memories with my parents, I dont think of them as evil or anything, just that they had/have lots of problems.

[tgrimes]

Alright, i see the problem, you just are not motivated until you are really angry. But you should not wait until those times to do something, because your frustration will just get in the way of getting them done, like everything takes ten times (at least) the mental capacity, even for simple things, when you are in stress mode. That is why you feel overwhelmed with the process. So don't worry about it when it feels like an emergency... that is the worst time. Focus on getting yourself calmed down only.
I am sorry that your mom does not take the time to teach you some daily living skills, like everytime you go to do something, once you make a mistake you simply get banned from doing it again. That's pretty much the whole reason you need to go to 'IL' how ridiculous, but this could have been prevented. Your mom has rendered herself incapacitated to help, probably in reaction to your dad's intolerance of 'stuff'.
Still I say there are some changes you could make immediately. One thing that is very upsetting is someone walking into the home mad. You need to find a safe place, somewhere you park on the way home, to calm down before going home, don't walk in the door all freaked. It would be different if you were a kid that had parents that would be looking to find out what was the problem and talk to you about it, but that is not the situation, so you can't expect them help.
I learned a trick to keep an angry mouth shut with anything bad towards family or friends ,but usually it is a total stranger that is the recipient of me 'unleashing'. This happens to me because i have cycles, and when I am transitioning from remission to manic phase I get all out of whack, (but don't know it until the 'public incident'!)
So, do you have a library close by? You could go on the internet, log in to here, send me a really mean message and totally unload.... cuss words and all. If i see that, i won't be mean back, I will understand, but hope you pulled into the driveway 'nicely' and walked into the house and smiled at your mom :)

[tgrimes]

Also want to add that I do have good memories with my parents....

Good, write about one.

[roadracer]

Alright, i see the problem, you just are not motivated until you are really angry. But you should not wait until those times to do something, because your frustration will just get in the way of getting them done, like everything takes ten times (at least) the mental capacity, even for simple things, when you are in stress mode. That is why you feel overwhelmed with the process. So don't worry about it when it feels like an emergency... that is the worst time. Focus on getting yourself calmed down only.
I am sorry that your mom does not take the time to teach you some daily living skills, like everytime you go to do something, once you make a mistake you simply get banned from doing it again. That's pretty much the whole reason you need to go to 'IL' how ridiculous, but this could have been prevented. Your mom has rendered herself incapacitated to help, probably in reaction to your dad's intolerance of 'stuff'.
Well to be fare the school tried to teach me this stuff, mostly in high school, and even that I did make a ton of progress on some areas, I had trouble learning the other areas, even with one on one help I just couldn't learn some of the things, so that is why I still have trouble with them areas. My ability to do math is my weakest point for living by myself. I have trouble with money, shopping, bills, pretty much anything that requires calculations of some sort. I can add and subtract some with my fingers, with enough time and frustration, but that is about all the math calculation I can do. So when I stop at a store to buy something I can usually only buy two things at a time, unless I have a lot of money and I know it is going to cover the stuff. So I hand them the money and hope I get the right change back or that I have enough to pay for the stuff. I have over drawn on my bank account way to many times because I don't know how to balance it. So I have to say that my mother probably couldn't teach me this stuff if she tried. The problem with cooking is the absent minded thing I talked about, not sure how you teach a person to deal with that. IL knows how to come up with strategies for a lot of this stuff (at least I am hoping)
Still I say there are some changes you could make immediately. One thing that is very upsetting is someone walking into the home mad. You need to find a safe place, somewhere you park on the way home, to calm down before going home, don't walk in the door all freaked. It would be different if you were a kid that had parents that would be looking to find out what was the problem and talk to you about it, but that is not the situation, so you can't expect them help.
You are right, I could have probably avoided that situation by not coming home mad. The next time I will go some where to calm myself down first

I learned a trick to keep an angry mouth shut with anything bad towards family or friends ,but usually it is a total stranger that is the recipient of me 'unleashing'. This happens to me because i have cycles, and when I am transitioning from remission to manic phase I get all out of whack, (but don't know it until the 'public incident'!)
So, do you have a library close by? You could go on the internet, log in to here, send me a really mean message and totally unload.... cuss words and all. If i see that, i won't be mean back, I will understand, but hope you pulled into the driveway 'nicely' and walked into the house and smiled at your mom :)
Thanks, if it happens again I will be sure to cool down first before walking into the house

[Aspigander]

pretty much anything that requires calculations of some sort. I can add and subtract some with my fingers, with enough time and frustration, but that is about all the math calculation I can do.

Do you think it might be helpful to use a calculator?

[roadracer]

Do you think it might be helpful to use a calculator?

I use a calculator when I know how I need to do the calculation, and I usually do the same calculation a bunch of times to make sure it is correct, but most of the time I dont know how to do the calculation or every time I punch in the numbers I get a different answer.
For example, say I go to the store and I get ten things, so I punch those ten things into the calculator to get a total (dont even bother with the buy two for __ but I only want one, or buy the pound items), so then I repeat that 5 times to make sure I have the correct answear. Okay, now I need to use that calculator to calculate if I have enough money to pay for what I have. Then I have to figure out what bills I should give to pay for it. Okay now say if I dont have enough money, or I dont get the correct calculations and all the other things that can pop up that cause me trouble and then I am left trying to figure out where I went wrong, how do I correct it... Okay, now if I live alone I am going to have to do grociery shopping, now if buying those ten things is so hard that you have trouble wraping your brain around it, what would a cart full of food be like.
So when most of the time you dont know how to calculate the problem a calculator is of little help, and then I still dont know if I got the correct answer, but I do use one when I can.
The best way to describe it is that numbers make my brain go blank, like my brain does not recognise them, even that visually I can read the number, but trying to calculate them makes my brain go blank. I am very visual person, and numbers are not a visual thing (at least for me).
Like also with my very big trouble with spelling, I couldnt tell you the difference between say a noun or a verb and the only way I can remember to spell a word is if I can picture the word in my head. I have trouble wraping my brain around any other concept of spelling a word. Funny thing is that I am great at reading, and love reading, but just never remember the spelling of the words or grammer or anything like that. I remember all new words threw hearing them, so I have the trouble with getting the word I know I want to use into all this assistive tech software I use and getting my thoughts into text.

[Aspigander]

Ah, okay. I do have plenty of math issues, so I do get that you need to know what to do with the calculator in order to have it be helpful. High school algebra was...well let's just say it was interesting.

Like also with my very big trouble with spelling,

Actually, it looks pretty mild to me. Is that because of your software?

[roadracer]

Ah, okay. I do have plenty of math issues, so I do get that you need to know what to do with the calculator in order to have it be helpful. High school algebra was...well let's just say it was interesting.
Actually, it looks pretty mild to me. Is that because of your software?

High school algebra, lol, how about having trouble with first grade math when you are in 12th grade. This is why I have dx of learning disabilities along with the other stuff.
My spelling errors look pretty mild? :p this is what it looks like AFTER I type it out on the software, lol. Remember the thread where I showed how I use the symbols to type and everything. I dont think you would want to try to read it without the software I use. it is pretty good at automatically coming up with the correct spelling so sometimes I dont bother with the spell check and get some errors, but since the number of errors are few I think it is okay, other times I go threw the whole thing to make sure everything is correct spelling

[Aspigander]

Ah, okay. I think at one point I was told I could do third grade math without a calculator and sixth grade math with a calculator. But since algebra is a required course in 10th grade, I had to muddle through it.

My spelling errors look pretty mild? this is what it looks like AFTER I type it out on the software, lol.

I do remember the thread where you posted the screen shot of a post with the symbols. Now, I have what is probably a stupid question. How do you get words, like the word "AFTER" in the above quote, to capitalize? That question just popped into my head.

[roadracer]

You hit the shift key while your typing, or use the cap lock key :D I am guessing your keyboard is the same way :D

[Aspigander]

LOL! Well, right. But you type by clicking on symbols, as opposed to typing on the keyboard, for the most part, right?

[roadracer]

tgrimes, if you are still following this thread, or anyone
I think I figured out one BIG BIG thing that is affecting my relationship with my parents. Okay this is very hard to explain, (and hard to say). When I am around them, I get thoughts in my head that I don't want to think, but they are there anyway. Like I will think of my dad calling me names and hear him saying them, or hear him yelling at me. Like if he says certain things it reminds me of things he has said in the past. I don't want to think these things especially when they are being nice to me, but they just pop into my head. So I try to act nice even with the thoughts, but maybe I am not coming across as nice when I really want to be. I hope that makes sense because it is hard for me to explain. I cant erase the past so I am not sure how I stop it from happening.

[tgrimes]

Okay, well it's a big deal that you got something figured out! First suggestion is don't blame all problems you might have on autism, you're dealing with an anger management isuue here, so try to treat it as just that, and nothing more.
Instead of ask yourself to 'let go of the past' all at once, just focus on one thing at a time, what would it take to give them your undivided attention, without thoughts of anger over past stuff, for instance for about how long could you do it? Minutes or longer?
Also, asking again for you to post a good experience here. Are you also hearing old bad stuff as you try to write about them?

[roadracer]

Okay, well it's a big deal that you got something figured out! First suggestion is don't blame all problems you might have on autism, you're dealing with an anger management isuue here, so try to treat it as just that, and nothing more.
Instead of ask yourself to 'let go of the past' all at once, just focus on one thing at a time, what would it take to give them your undivided attention, without thoughts of anger over past stuff, for instance for about how long could you do it? Minutes or longer?
Not sure how long I could do it, there are times that I dont think those kind of things, but other times it seem as soon as they start talking to me the thoughts pop into my head, even that I dont want to think about it.

Also, asking again for you to post a good experience here. Are you also hearing old bad stuff as you try to write about them?
Yeah, I think about it when I am writing about them.
I have some good memories, like last year they went with me to a stage race, they were my support, we camped out, and during the last stage of the race it was something like 30 laps in the middle of this town, it was really fast and I was hurting, but every time I came past my parents I seen them cheering me on and I would ramp the speed up a notch. Overall it was a great experience with my parents during the trip.

[tgrimes]

OMG ... that is so great, that you were able to go a whole camping trip and have a good time. Well then this 'bad thought' thing is cyclical then, right? (really, no pun intended with the cyclical)

[tgrimes]

Just wondering too if you can remember, were you absent sensory issues during that trip, like how did you deal with the public shower, bare feet on pavement, camp smells, etc. What I mean is did you feel NEGATIVE about those things.

[roadracer]

well actually after a long hard ride or a race the sensory issues are not that bad, I feel so good after. I remember I really liked the showers there because it had a handheld shower head and it was way less discomfort then normal, lol.
I really cant remember if there were any negative thoughts going threw me head, but I am pretty sure I was thinking some at points. I really think the fact that we where all able to hold back any negative comments for most of the trip is what made it pretty good. My parents dont get outside that much, so I think the fresh air and everything helped them to stay positive also and hold back on the negative stuff. I do remember I did have a little meltdown about something, but I cant even remember what it was about, and by that point it was probably something like low blood suger that caused it.

[tgrimes]

RR -
I was shocked today when i talked to my sis on the phone, we were talking and she just said something so similar to something you described here that I was just really struck by it. And I am really thinking on it, i don't know what to say except maybe you are not sure the situation with your parents has really changed, like even if they are being nice now, that it won't last, so you will just avoid them to be on the safe side. And I don't know how to talk about restoring trust, it's been a long time since I was in a situation needing to do that. So I just don't know what to say at this point on that :(
So, handheld shower at the campground?? Nice! Something i've not encountered at a campground yet, but you never know!

[roadracer]

Thanks for the help

So, handheld shower at the campground?? Nice! Something i've not encountered at a campground yet, but you never know!
This campground was top notch, lol. They even had wifi internet acess threw the whole campground, nothing like siting by the campfire in the middle of nowhere sending a e-mail, lol. I dont know if you ever seen the show John & Kate plus 8, the camp was down the street from there home. (well I think it is old home now)

[Aspigander]

I dont know if you ever seen the show John & Kate plus 8

Just a side note -- I have seen that show (I'm assuming you have?). I've been trying to figure out for a while if Kate might be an aspie. lol

[roadracer]

Just a side note -- I have seen that show (I'm assuming you have?). I've been trying to figure out for a while if Kate might be an aspie. lol

nope, funny, I have never seen it, my mom watches it, I think she has seen every episode. Mom was like, "I remember this place from a episode..." talking about the area.

[Nikabee]

I've been trying to figure out for a while if Kate might be an aspie. lol

LOL We joke about that here at our house! :D Actually, I think she's a control freak, like me. My hubby will turn to me sometimes and say, "Oh that was such a Kate thing" or when we're watching, he'll predict what she'll do... because that's what I would've done!