How to help my mom's perspective (and am I getting better or worse?)

[Aspigander]

Okay, having Asperger's obviously makes things difficult, with interactions and things like that. Always has. Things still are difficult. But I think my mom and I may have different perspectives on whether things are better or worse than they once were. Here's something that happened today:

When my mom picked me up, I started on a pretty long story. Actually, I asked her if she ever got frustrated with special ed stuff while I was in school, relaying to her the entire Peglem/Allie/school debacle. Pretty involved, and I'm an expert at making a short story long. Anyway, she had a stop to make and I knew about it, so when she got there I asked if she'd like me to wait until she got back out to the van, and she said yes. I thought that was pretty good, because that kind of interruption (stopping somewhere and needing me to 'hold that thought') has been known to induce meltdown. But I asked if she'd like me to wait, and when she said yes, I just patiently awaited her return to the van.

So she comes back out and as we're going back to her house I continue the story. We get home, which of course presents another interruption as we needed to carry stuff in. That was okay. Except when I had to finish the story, plus put down my stuff, plus she asked me to run back to the van to get something, then as I'm about to do that she said she'd gotten something for me to try, and I was starting to freak out a little (mildly) because that was information overload. Of course she goes: "Good lord!" and I pretty much tell her I should be the one saying that (after all, having all that stuff in my head, story to finish, stuff to put down, stuff to get from the van, and now this, as I said, information overload). Anyway, I run back to the van and run back in.

So then I'm continuing the story, which has now been interrupted at least twice (interruptions are very hard for me, yet I think I was doing well), when horror of horrors, my mom's cell phone rang. Ohhhh great. Here we go again. Not only another interruption, but who knows how long this phone call will take (that's probably the hardest interruption for me to deal with, possibly because when I call her while she's in the middle of something, either she won't answer or will ask if she can call me back, but when someone calls when I'm talking to her, she'll generally go through the whole conversation as if I hadn't been talking to her). I hold it together pretty well for a few minutes, this story I'm relaying hanging over my head, trying to hold on right where we left off, and finally I ask her how long this is going to take. She didn't respond. So I did what I've started doing during these types of situations. I commenced pacing. And, my pacing is a little energetic...I'm putting all the energy from the anxiety into pacing.

When she finally got off the phone, I think she had a hard time stifling the laughter that begged to come out. She said I just keep getting worse and worse. She said I never used to pace like this, she's said that before.

Well, no, that's right. I used to have really terrible meltdowns. My current meltdowns aren't like they were, but let's examine the Lauren Meltdown of Days Gone By. Anything listed that can still crop up I'll put in parentheses.

A meltdown could include:
Screaming/yelling (still can exist in current meltdowns)
Hitting
Grabbing someone's throat
Using body to block someone's escape, not necessarily in an injurious manner (this is a RARE manifestation of some of my current meltdowns)
Raising/brandishing objects that I may be holding -- like the cane incident I'd talked about that lead to one of my two school suspensions back in eighth grade.
Threats of harm -- Leading to the second school suspension in 8th grade that I'd mentioned before.

I could probably list a bunch more stuff that could show up in a meltdown. My current meltdowns tend not to be that severe. I'm not even sure you would call the pacing "meltdown" behavior -- I think I was trying to do *something* to *avoid* meltdown -- I think that's why I pace sometimes.

Worse and worse? Actually, I'm not sure that pacing is worse than all the other stuff I listed. To me, it seems I'm doing better if I am able to find some venue other than screaming like a lunatic and ringing someone's neck. Oh, and all of the aforementioned meltdown behaviors would tend to happen after ONE interruption, and I made it to THREE before the pacing commenced.

Any comments? Am I just wanting to think things are better than they really are? Are things really getting worse just because I never used to do the energetic pacing?

ETA: A current meltdown can involve hyperventilating, which I'm not sure happened before. Often I may have a VERY mild meltdown now where all I'll really do is hyperventilate, but sometimes it exists in stronger meltdowns too.

[peglem]

IMHO pacing is WAY better than a meltdown. Did you tell your mom that you were using pacing to deal with anxiety to prevent meltdown? Because if she doesn't know that, and doesn't know the interruptions cause anxiety (from your struggle to "hold that thought"), it probably looked pretty bizarre. I mean the reason somebody would do that is not obvious to an NT. I would not have known if you hadn't told me.

[Aspigander]

Honestly, since I was presumed NT, I'm not sure she knows the distinction between tantrum and meltdown. I think she either thought my really nasty outbursts, or even some of the current ones, are tantrums, or else that tantrum and meltdown are synonymous terms.

I know that she knows that interruptions are difficult for me. I mean, it used to be that meltdowns would erupt on interruption numero uno. Plus I have told her that interruptions are problematic. So the problem isn't (at least I don't think it is) that she doesn't know that interruptions cause anxiety. I think it's that I'm dealing with that anxiety in ways I didn't in years past.

[peglem]

So the problem isn't (at least I don't think it is) that she doesn't know that interruptions cause anxiety. I think it's that I'm dealing with that anxiety in ways I didn't in years past.

Exactly, so she doesn't know how to interpret these new things she's seeing. You are so good at expressing what's going on with you on this forum and finding ways to deal. Could you maybe share some posts via email w/ your mom (that way you can select content and avoid the "worlds collide" scenario.) just so she can understand some of your own self discovery and what you are doing to work on those problems. I think she would be amazed at your insight and self assessment and really respect that you're working through things as best you can. I bet she'd get a lot of "Aha, so that's why"s as well.

[Aspigander]

Could you maybe share some posts via email w/ your mom (that way you can select content and avoid the "worlds collide" scenario.) just so she can understand some of your own self discovery and what you are doing to work on those problems.

Can you explain what you mean by worlds collide scenario?

[peglem]

Well, normally, people develop friendships outside their families (like I think you have here) and those relationships are separate, mostly, from the family relationships. You share things with them, that you wouldn't share with family members (for instance letting off steam about things your family does that bugs you). At the same time you share things with your family that you wouldn't with outsiders (for instance, a festering boil on your behind).
So, I'm thinking if your mom was here as a full participant, you may not feel free to share things here that you don't want mom to know. Or your mom maybe upset that you told "outsiders" things that she considered private. So, Keep the Family World from colliding with the Friend World.
I actually got the term from Seinfeld- Don't know if you've ever watched the show, but this came up when George's friend (not romantic) contacted his girlfriend to go someplace together (I think it was some museum or something the guys didn't want to go to.) George called it "Worlds Collide" because he knew they would share information about him that he didn't really want shared.

[Aspigander]

Ah, okay, that makes sense.

Though I have emailed her thread links. One was the one about the emailing about organizing cupboards without making sure that was okay with me to do so. I thought she might be angered by it, but hoped she wouldn't, and did so to hopefully open up some communication. The good news is she wasn't angered...she was amused by my posts. Not sure why, and she couldn't tell me. Just struck her funny.

I did email her the mental blueprint link when it was a short thread. Never did get a return email, and not sure how to take it. Not sure if she never read it, had a reaction she didn't want to tell me about, or what. Again, my primary objective was to help us communicate and help her to see a little bit some of the mental processes of my aspie brain that she deosn't understand.

I did email thread links, though, not just posts. I also thought it might help her to see the forum, and see that she's not the only mom out there with offspring who have meltdowns. I say this because sometimes my psychologist will point out to me where my mom might not have been helpful (or more accurately agree with me that she was not helpful/productive), and my mom will say things like: "That's easy for her to say, she doesn't have to deal with you on a daily basis." Well, I thought maybe having her see the forum, might help her know that other people do have to deal with similar challenges in their offspring on a daily basis.

Know what I mean? Is that a bad thing, do you think?

My only goal (well, okay, my primary goal as Kristen likes to put it :D) in showing her threads is to help us both.

[peglem]

Ah, okay, that makes sense.

Though I have emailed her thread links. One was the one about the emailing about organizing cupboards without making sure that was okay with me to do so. I thought she might be angered by it, but hoped she wouldn't, and did so to hopefully open up some communication. The good news is she wasn't angered...she was amused by my posts. Not sure why, and she couldn't tell me. Just struck her funny.

I did email her the mental blueprint link when it was a short thread. Never did get a return email, and not sure how to take it. Not sure if she never read it, had a reaction she didn't want to tell me about, or what. Again, my primary objective was to help us communicate and help her to see a little bit some of the mental processes of my aspie brain that she deosn't understand.

I did email thread links, though, not just posts. I also thought it might help her to see the forum, and see that she's not the only mom out there with offspring who have meltdowns. I say this because sometimes my psychologist will point out to me where my mom might not have been helpful (or more accurately agree with me that she was not helpful/productive), and my mom will say things like: "That's easy for her to say, she doesn't have to deal with you on a daily basis." Well, I thought maybe having her see the forum, might help her know that other people do have to deal with similar challenges in their offspring on a daily basis.

Know what I mean? Is that a bad thing, do you think?

My only goal (well, okay, my primary goal as Kristen likes to put it :D) in showing her threads is to help us both.

Not a bad thing at all, and she might even feel better if she was fully engaged here. It sure has helped me to have this support system, because, your mom is right, people who don't deal with this personally just don't get it. Okay, most people...some do.
Not sure why your mom was amused- maybe it surprised her to see how you think about things so differently than she'd imagined...a real guess, I don't have a clue. But, I bet she is pondering it and seeing things at least a bit differently than before...You seem to be less critical of her lately, or at least more willing to try to discover what her viewpoint might be.

[Aspigander]

You seem to be less critical of her lately, or at least more willing to try to discover what her viewpoint might be.

Probably the latter. It's hard not to be critical, especially since I feel like I've been criticized by her the last 25 years.

I'm really hoping that she'll start being more willing to try to discover my viewpoint as well. I hope this doesn't sound too critical of her, but some understanding from her really would be nice.

[peglem]

Probably the latter. It's hard not to be critical, especially since I feel like I've been criticized by her the last 25 years.

I'm really hoping that she'll start being more willing to try to discover my viewpoint as well. I hope this doesn't sound too critical of her, but some understanding from her really would be nice.

Yeah, everybody likes understanding. I sense that you feel you're working on that harder than she is.

[Aspigander]

I think so. I've been in therapy for a little over a year now, since February of 08, and she's wondering why she's taking time to take me to my therapy appointments, as I'm not where she'd like me to be (I have told the psychologist this before, and last time I was a bit late for my appointment, and she told me when I got there she wondered if my mom had just said enough, this isn't working...something I fear might not be far off) . Actually, I believe she means things seem to be getting worse since I started therapy, because I didn't do so much of the pacing before that. She says I just get worse and worse as I get older.

I can't say that my psychologist suggested pacing as a method of meltdown avoidance (though she said do what works, even if that differs from what she might suggest). So if I'm beginning to replace meltdowns with other things, even if those other things look weird...well, would my mom rather I go back to constant meltdowns with less of a threshold before I get to the point of melting down (i.e. one interruption instead of three)? I think not. I know *I* don't want to go back to those days. Those days where I had HUGE daily meltdowns if the wind changed direction, the days when my parents would threaten to call the cops because I am so out of control, and really the only way to stop the meltdown was to grab the phone, dial 9 and 1, so that I'd at least run off and get out of their hair and be basically scared into suppression. And believe me, since I've always found it harder to suppress around my parents (refer to those in-school meltdowns/suspensions), being in a state of suppression around them takes some doing. I don't think any of us want to go back to those days.

That's where some understanding would be appreciated. I may be doing things that look weird, but I'm at least not getting to that level of total out of control wild animal.

[Aspigander]

Okay, despite risk of the 'worlds collide' scenario, I just threw caution to the wind and emailed her the link to this thread. I thought she might find the whole conversation interesting. I guess we'll see what she thinks, if I even get a reaction from her (not holding my breath lol).

[roadracer]

So all the things you said on this site are things you would tell your mom without worrying about hurting her feelings?
Since she will be able to read everything you have said since you joined.
Like in the post above you say,
if I even get a reaction from her (not holding my breath lol).
That would be something you would tell your mom? She will be able to read EVERYTHING you know, not just this thread. Because you are only telling your side of the story and her side of things might be totally diferent, she might be offended, (I know I would be)
If she is going to be reading everything it would be nice if she joined and you both could work out the problems.

[Aspigander]

Well, I doubt things she would read here would surprise her, as she knows I have a tendency to blurt stuff out.

Some things (like the not holding breath comment, which I only said because the last time I emailed her a thread link, she didn't respond, and the reason could be as simple as her not having had time to read/respond, or any other reason, so I'm not sure she would respond to this email about this thread) she's said to me before. For example, I've mentioned the thing about the new cat her friend brought over -- before George was brought over, I asked my mom if another friend of theirs checked with a friend of hers to see if she would take him (that was a possibility) and she said that this other friend wasn't good with follow through, so they weren't holding their breath that she'd even ask her friend.

As for other things on the forum, as I'd mentioned, my mom does know that sometimes I say things without much thought, so I doubt anything here would shock her.

[peglem]

Well, I hope it will increase the understanding between the 2 of you and open up some discussion. I know you're trying to improve your relationship with her, so hope it helps with that, even if "worlds collide".

[milivica]

The worlds colliding thing is a valid concern.

I gotta say though as for me personally, if Vincent is still on the spectrum at say 25, I think I would be pretty 'saturated' with his self focus, and I'm not sure I could summon the energy to get too upset over what he'd write on a forum about me. I'm not sure if 12 years from now I'll have the energy to try and help him see my perspective/understand his. There are days now I wear thin and want QUIET, not clarity!

I know you want your mom to better understand you and your perspective, that's completely natural and understandable. All kids feel that way no matter what age. But I gotta tell you, when others understood me, no matter who, it was only partially satisfying. Understanding others has for me, always put an end to my longing to be heard or understood....what I really needed was to understand those that hurt or upset me, even if it was accidental, or careless, or unintentional, or intentional.

That's how I felt clarity and peace about (for instance) my ma or her husband. By understanding them...not by agreeing or condoning things done to me, but by understanding what the heck they were thinking...often selfishly, rarely sober, certainly not with me as any kind of focus or priority. Right or wrong, they didn't realize a child wasn't like a cat you feed and water and it's ok. So understanding the thoughts and beliefs of those that didn't love me so hurt me at every opportunity gave me closure. Understanding the thoughts and beliefs of those that loved me not only helped me see that they really did love me (meaning my ma) but it gave me warmth and calm and peace that being understood never would have. Heck she still doesn't understand me...and to my surprise I no longer need her to. Great feeling.

I enjoy when others understand me, it's great, but not as necessary for me to have closure and peace.

The opposite of what you'd expect aye?

So, if a negative 'worlds collide' scenario happens due to your mom reading this forum, you'll deal with it when the time comes, and the two of you will make sure positives come from it.

I want to say one more thing. What I would post to support you, may sound very different than what I'd say to support her...and not because I feel more for you, or feel more for her. I feel for both of you and am on both your sides cause I don't think either of you are 'wrong'. I want to see both of you have a wonderful mother/daughter relationship, and that's what I consider being on both of your sides. If she posted frazzled from your asperger's, I would certainly want her to know I understand and would want her to feel supported...but would be concerned doing so would make you feel unsupported or as if I was no longer on your side. I will always be on the side of your mother/daughter relationship, I'm on the side of a happy relationship, not one of you or the other. Hope that makes sense. Personally I would feel very 'on the fence' if you were both posting here as far as not making one or the other of you feel 'blamed' or at 'fault' or 'wrong' by anything I'd post.

[Aspigander]

I am trying to better understand her perspective, though it can be difficult. Like for instance, when Peg explained that her perspective may be she thinks I'm getting worse because the pacing when anxious is a fairly new thing for her to be seeing from me and may look bizarre. I think I do understand (at least to some extent) that it might look pretty odd when I'm doing the anxiety pacing. BUT, when you compare that to the absolutely horrendous meltdowns I described in the first post of this thread, well, the idea she thinks that replacing those meltdowns with pacing (not that I don't still have meltdowns, just generally not as severe) is worse, that the pacing is worse than meltdowns that have her fixing to call the cops, well if that's her perspective, it's a little disconcerting, you know? I know if it's either pacing or meltdown, even the less severe meltdowns they tend to be now, I'd prefer pacing.

What do you mean what you say to support me might be different than what you'd say to support her? Could you give an example?

ETA:
I'm not sure if 12 years from now I'll have the energy to try and help him see my perspective/understand his. There are days now I wear thin and want QUIET, not clarity!

You know, that's where I really wish this all had been figured out when I was much younger. I mean, nothing can be done about it now, and I know I have no room to say this since you were...what, 42 when diagnosed? That's my age at diagnosis flipped. I know it took you much longer, so I hope you don't take it the wrong way when I say I wish we'd have known a lot sooner. It's just that, for example, you know with Vince, so you're able to do what is appropriate to have him be able to advance as far as possible before he even reaches adulthood. From what I hear from you, I think he'll be doing pretty darn good at 25. But because for me, it went undiagnosed for 24 years, by the time we know exactly *what* problem needs to be dealt with, we've both run low on energy to do so. You know what I mean?

[peglem]

But, does your mom know its a way for you to avoid meltdown? Or is she just seeing it as an added behavior, on top of everything else? That was actually my point- if she can see it as a strategy..1)replace meltdown with this strange pacing. 2) When I get to where I can control the anxiety enough with the pacing, find a less intrusive thing to replace the pacing, etc, until you are dealing with the anxiety enough to not have it interfere so much with your life. I think if she can see it as part of that process...then its not so weird or "getting worse".

[Aspigander]

But, does your mom know its a way for you to avoid meltdown? Or is she just seeing it as an added behavior, on top of everything else? That was actually my point- if she can see it as a strategy..1)replace meltdown with this strange pacing. 2) When I get to where I can control the anxiety enough with the pacing, find a less intrusive thing to replace the pacing, etc, until you are dealing with the anxiety enough to not have it interfere so much with your life. I think if she can see it as part of that process...then its not so weird or "getting worse".

Well, probably an added behavior, though I'm not sure how it can be seen as on top of everything. I do have meltdowns sometimes, but it's been years I think since one of those ugly, everyone in a 10 mile radius stand back, start fixing to have the cops haul me off meltdowns, that the pacing can't be considered as "on top of" those more severe meltdowns I used to have...or can it?

[milivica]

Yes, it can. Cumulatively, it would be 'on top of'.

As a parent, I totally understand what you said Peg. I loved your example, couldn't have said it better myself (though I could have said it longer, lol).

As a child with aspergers I'd have felt like my ma again not understanding or being annoyed with me, was cumulative in terms of my failing as a daughter, or her failing as my mother.

[peglem]

Lauren, can you just tell her why you're doing the pacing? She can't read your mind (well probably sometimes she can!). I'm sensing that part of what's happening here is you're proud of the progress you're making and want your mom to be proud of you, too....But, she has to know that it is progress! I'm proud of you, but that's because you make us aware of the progress you're making. If you just said you're pacing now...I wouldn't know what to think of that, but because you told us about it being a way to avoid melt down, I think its a good strategy.

[Aspigander]

You mean she may have never even noticed that the meltdowns that I used to have that were so severe have even disappeared (not that meltdowns have totally disappeared, just those really ugly ones)?

[peglem]

She has probably noticed, but may think you just outgrew them or aren't as anxious anymore...CONNECT THE DOTS FOR HER!!! Your efforts and success at overcoming these things are whats amazing...she has to know that it was your hard work that brought about the change, not just a fluke.

[Aspigander]

Peg, we posted at the same time. LOL

Well, it might help to tell her that. I'm not sure though.

Eh, I'm not so sure I'm proud of the progress, not that I'm unproud of it, just not that I'm proud of it, if that makes sense. I'm not where I want to be. I just think that things are better than the outrageous meltdowns, and it's hard to think that my pacing makes things seem worse.

[Aspigander]

LOL! We did it again. lol

She has probably noticed, but may think you just outgrew them or aren't as anxious anymore...CONNECT THE DOTS FOR HER!!! Your efforts and success at overcoming these things are whats amazing...she has to know that it was your hard work that brought about the change, not just a fluke.

Ohhhh, so you mean she may have thought I started getting less anxious, and that now my anxiety is picking up again?

[milivica]

The more I read what Peg writes, the more I think you shouldn't listen to me!

Peg's right on here. AspieG, you're getting what she's saying.

[peglem]

Well, I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but it seems to me that in just the short time that you've been on this forum you've made loads of progress (especially in understanding how others see things and not obsessing about being right all the time) and that's something to be proud of. Lots of people in your situation (read some of the neurodiversity sites) just say, "this is the way I am and why won't the whole world change to adapt to me?" But you made the very gutsy decision to work through your issues and become the best you possible....and that's pretty great!
Ohhhh, so you mean she may have thought I started getting less anxious, and that now my anxiety is picking up again?
Yup! She's known you for a long time and lots of weird things came and went...
I can tell you that if my daughter stopped melting down, I'd just think it was a reduction in triggers or improved health....or her school doing something right:D hahahahahahahahaha!

[roadracer]

Lots of people in your situation (read some of the neurodiversity sites) just say, "this is the way I am and why won't the whole world change to adapt to me?" But you made the very gutsy decision to work through your issues and become the best you possible....and that's pretty great!


That is so so true, aspigander, you are one of the rare aspies who made the dicision to work threw your problems and found the perfect board for advice. Thats the reason I came to this board, you go to a board that is all aspies/auties, and it is great to be with others like yourself, but to often there is this big 'pride' thing going on, sort of like deaf pride, where it really prevents everyone from working threw there problems, you tell someone your problem there and you will only get a hundred people telling you they have the same problem, it is sort of one sided, with not much back and forth of information. Stop by some and you will know what I am talking about. I have learned so much from this board, most days I learn something new here.

[Aspigander]

Mili,
Don't be ridiculous. What would we do here without our resident Neurotypical Aspie? I think you should use some of that positive ongoing appraisal you keep talking about while assessing yourself here. :)

Peg,
Well, I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but it seems to me that in just the short time that you've been on this forum you've made loads of progress (especially in understanding how others see things and not obsessing about being right all the time) and that's something to be proud of.

Well, sometimes I still obsess over being right. There are just some things I feel I'm right on and can't let go. Remember a few months back, when Nera was having one of her issues, I was at my apartment and I didn't get the phone call that there was a problem until my dad had already whisked her off to the vet. I had wished I'd been called prior to her going in, so I could ask that she be taken to my vet, but she was taken to their vet. Well...I have reservations about their vet. Nice guy, great sense of humor, all that charisma and charm NT's like, and lots of high tech stuff to play with, *seems* really competent, but when I run stuff he's said about Nera (and others) past Dr. Google, I have to wonder what planet his opinions/recommendations dropped from. My vet? Whenever I google what she says, what I learn usually jives with an enhances the information she's given me, instead of conflicting it. If I do see something that conflicts it, I know I can (and have done so) bring it to her attention. She will either learn something from it, or acknowledge its merits and explain in a rational manner why she doesn't think it is the most appropriate in my pet's case. She has NEVER held the "I'm the doctor, so shut up and listen and do as I say" stance that just emanates from my parents' vet. You know, aspies are supposed to be pretty poor at picking up nonverbal cues, those "non-word" cues, but my parents' vet is so good with the "I'm the doctor, you're the layperson" demeanor that I can't help but pick up on it. It's that obvious. But my dad and I had a big argument once after that incident (when my mom and I planned to follow up with my vet and follow her [different] recommendations that made more sense to me), and I melted down, and kind of obsessed over being right on this one. I think I posted about that here -- you may remember it.

Okay, so if my mom reads all I just said about her vet, I can see that providing a collision of worlds, but honestly I think she knows how I feel about her vet. If he did stand up comedy, I'd be first in line for tickets. But keep him away from my animals. That kind of thing. I don't think anything I wrote here would be new to her. But I can see how that might lead to a worlds collide scenario.

Anyway, all that being said, had my mom not been more understanding of my wish to use my vet for Nera's care, or had my dad been more forceful (it may just be a matter of her keeping things quiet from him -- I know I am after that debacle, out of suppression), I'd probably still have just as much passion as I ever did about which vet she should be seeing. And any 'pressure' to let her go to their vet would definitely cause anxiety, and either suppression or meltdown. It's just that, when I have a pet, it's my responsibility as that pet's mom to make sure they get the care they need, and see a vet that I feel is the most competent. Sure, their vet has more high tech equipment that mine doesn't have, so my vet may be more limited, but she's at least willing to admit when something is out of her league, as well. Because of where my ethics lie in regards to those lives dependent on me, I think I'd still obsess over being right on this one.

Lots of people in your situation (read some of the neurodiversity sites) just say, "this is the way I am and why won't the whole world change to adapt to me?"

I think I've seen a few sites like that, and I've never really gotten that. Sure, some understanding from NT's would be nice, and I do have that little joke about outlawing NT in my signature (okay so I was a touch frustrated when I put that joke in my sig lol), but there's a difference between understanding, or trying to understand, and changing your whole world for the sake of the person with (any) disability. Perhaps this is just from what I've learned from my VI, but I've learned a lot about finding adaptations to deal with the world as it presents itself to me. I'm only one person, why should I expect the whole world to adjust to that?

Roadracer,
and it is great to be with others like yourself

Right, which is why I'm glad you and Mili are here.

I have learned so much from this board, most days I learn something new here.

Same here. When I first came here, I saw immediately that I could learn a lot. I think I posted as much or almost as much as I do now, but even when something occurred that laid me low for a while, I kept checking back and posting occasionally. But I picked back up again recently, because I get so much perspective, from the NT's here and also you and Mili. There's a good balance of perspectives here.

[peglem]

Yes, I know you still have the I'm right obsession, but it seems (too me) that its more limited to things you are really passionate about (everybody has that) and you've made progress in letting the little things go. So give yourself some credit! And, you know, if you ever get to the point where everything is worked out and you don't need to grow and learn and develop...you're probably dead! So, celebrate progress and growth.

[Aspigander]

In one respect, though, it's a little scary. Will I ever get to a point where I think Nera's care (or the care of any animal dependent on me) is one of those little things to let go of? If I ever 'progress' to that point...well that's a scary thought.

[milivica]

Lowering your values and heartfelt ethics isn't progress. Becoming cold and detached from your animals isn't progress. You won't do that.

[peglem]

In one respect, though, it's a little scary. Will I ever get to a point where I think Nera's care (or the care of any animal dependent on me) is one of those little things to let go of? If I ever 'progress' to that point...well that's a scary thought.

I wouldn't even consider that a goal! But, if something is already done and over with, you can't change it anymore, so letting go of that particular episode is desirable...learn what you can from it, try to make sure it doesn't happen again, and then let it go. Its a matter of changing the things you can change and letting go of the things you can't do anything about.

[Aspigander]

Mili,
Hopefully I won't.

Peg,
The problem with letting go of some stuff, like the Nera-to-Dr.-Charming episode, is the fear that doing so will prevent me from keeping it from happening in the future. I'm pretty sure my mom would get her to my vet if something similar happened while I wasn't there to specify, but if my dad got stuck taking her in, I'm afraid it would be Doc Charming. I'm not sure what good it does not to hold on to the previous episode, how it would prevent it happening again, but I'm not sure what else to do to prevent it. Last conversation I had with my dad about it ended in meltdown.

[Nikabee]

Oh Bless you, AspieG for so clearly describing what was going on in your mind during that situation! *BIG hugs* I'm sorry you had to experience it, but by sharing that, you've opened a window for me into my son's mind. You mentioned some things that had never even occurred to me before (like trying to "hold the thought" when you're interupted). From your point of view - YES, pacing is much better than melting down! I'll agree with the previous posts that your mom probably doesn't realize it's a substitution, not an addition. My son recently started turning in a circle slowly and reciting multiplication problems (he's a math boy!) when he's stressed out and I was watching him, thinking "What the HECK is that?" I was seeing it as a new issue that just popped up out of the blue. But after reading your post, I realize that #1: it was during a very stressful situation and #2: he wasn't physically aggressive with anyone in the room during that time (traditionally how he's dealt with stress). *LIGHT BULB!* :) Personally, I'll take the math practice if we can ditch the hitting and kicking. ;)

As far as the Vet situation goes, I think the point is that we can't ever prevent negative things from happening 100% of the time - no matter what we do. And worrying is one of the least effective things we can do. I'm not sure if that's helpful to you at all, but I will say that you're not alone... some of us NT's have pre-worrying issues too. ;) For me, I just look at it as wasted energy that I could be putting to better use. I can't change the past and I can't predict the future, so I try to focus on the things that I can DO (action) and try to let go of the worry (thoughts that don't produce any results).

[Aspigander]

Nikabee,
Glad I could help your perspective with your son's behaviors. Math practice is certainly better than violent meltdowns. I would think about anything short of meltdown is better than meltdown.

I'm gathering that you NT's tend to not have so many issues with certain things (like interruptions). If an NT is telling a story or relaying information and has to "hold the thought", I'm gathering that it's not so difficult to do so. And if you forget your "place", where you left off, I gather that it doesn't cause so much anxiety to think about it and figure it out. And if you really have trouble remembering, well, I can't tell you how many times I've heard NT's say: "Well, if you can't remember it it must not be that important."

But for me, anything that has ever reached my conscious mind is a relevant detail. Folks often wish I would "get to the point" or "make a long story short" and "don't give so many unimportant details". Trouble is, if I think of a particular detail, it *is* important to me. I have trouble weeding it out as unimportant, which makes the story long and makes it hard to get to the point.

[Nikabee]

I think you hit on the key difference in your last paragraph. I don't think NT's necessarily have an easier time remembering things (just the opposite in some cases!), but I think we rank our thoughts from VERY IMPORTANT/ ESSENTIAL to "just idle chatter" that could just as easily not be shared... & various ranks in between.

If I'm trying to share something that is very important and I get interupted... it does bother me if I forget. But then there are times when what I was talking about wasn't that big of a deal to me so I can let it go and move on to something else.

One of the things that I notice with my son is that he gets so bogged down with all these details and can't get to the point, that some people lose interest in what he's trying to say or can't follow where the story is really going (too many detours). So, what do they do? They interupt him. Sends him through the roof! Honestly, I can't say that I blame him, although he needs to deal with it differently than he usually does. Not only has he just been taught that it's rude to interupt (and he's all about the rules!), but now he's "stuck" on that interupted thought because he wasn't able to finish it. He can be "stuck" like that for days! I'm thinking that it's like he needs to purge that thought out of his system before he move on to something else. Am I on to something there or way off base?