Awkward

[Aspigander]

So I've mentioned my mom convinced me to get a housecleaning service out here. Which is still hard because of the incompetence issue. Because, as I said in my first thread about it, I am 25 years old and should be able to handle this kind of thing. Yes, Mili, I know, I know. I still have that picture in my head. And no, I'm not a perfectionist, I don't need perfect cleanliness, but obviously when you have bacteria and mold and mildew sprouting from all directions there's a problem and I should be able to prevent that on my own.

Anyway, if you recall, I was also concerned about others in the complex catching on. It's not *just* the incompetence thing that would be obvious (though that's a big part of it), but it's just...I really try to maintain a very low profile around here, I try not to be noticed. My reclusiveness here.

So she did windows. This means actually opening the blinds. You know, so people walking by can see what's going on. I really don't like the blinds open -- my mom calls my apartment cave-like, and it's really not an inaccurate description. So that caused some anxiety.

Oh, and you know how we've talked in a few threads about sensory problems? I've been struggling to figure out if I have them or not for a while (even before coming to this forum), knowing if I do they're mild (I think any of my meltdowns, for instance, are anxiety overload as opposed to sensory overload). Anyway, I do think I have some auditory sensory issues. While she was in here this morning, I pretty much just stayed on the computer, trying to stay out of the way. Well the dishwasher and the vacuum both going at once was getting me a little...best way I can describe it is frazzled. And let's not forget that a couple times the vacuum evidently hit a snag (running over cord or something) and made an extra noise on top of everything else. Plus while this isn't auditory having the window blinds open of course made things brighter than I am accustomed to. I was just trying to focus on what I was reading on the computer, and at one point I really couldn't make heads or tails quite as well of what I was reading. I wasn't reading anything I wouldn't normally be able to understand, it's just that I seemed, for some reason, to be having trouble processing. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone. I was glad when she was done. Nothing against her, the problem is with me, but I was just glad when it was over.

Anyway, it was kinda awkward.

[milivica]

Remember, if you stink at cleaning or organizing - SO WHAT.

Companies like the one your mom hired, exists because so many people stink at cleaning and organizing. Right? Think about it.

Trust me, if I saw someone cleaning my neighbors home...and I have a friend that has a cleaning lady btw, my first feeling is not that she is lazy, but that she has a nice clean house and I wish I did too!

Everyone in this world, is more concerned with themselves, than you. None of your neighbors are going to give even 1/100th of the thought to your home being professionally cleaned, as you are. Really. They'll notice, and blow it off. Remember, nt's have those nice big filters, it'll get caught in their filters, they'll blow it off.

No worries.

And put earplugs or listen to music with earphones next time, to help with the noise. For me, earplugs with me doing sort of a monotone hum helped.

[MomOTwins]

Lauren, I'm impressed that you were able to hold it all together with a stranger in your apartment doing all that stuff while you were there! I would be going nuts (and I'm supposedly NT) and wondering "What was that sound? Why is she in THAT room? Oh my goodness, did I remember to tell her that she wasn't supposed to touch the *****?".

I'm a person who would have run around the place cleaning up before the cleaning lady got there! This is another reason why I don't have one taking care of the house while I'm at work in my home office.

Lots of good wishes going your way for survivng as well as you did with a cleaning lady in the place!

Kim

[Aspigander]

Mili,
Remember, if you stink at cleaning or organizing - SO WHAT.


But it's just not that. It's not just not being clean and organized. It's not being clean and organized to the point of being a mildew breeding ground. I shouldn't stink at keeping that from happening.

Earplugs/headphones, sometimes she might need to speak with me, ask me a question, etc. So I'm not sure if that's the best idea.

Kim,
Another problem I had, was I kept wondering if I should be 'helping'. It drove me nuts that someone was in here, doing what I should be able to do, and I'm on my rear in front of the computer. Your post reminded me of that.

[milivica]

But it's just not that. It's not just not being clean and organized. It's not being clean and organized to the point of being a mildew breeding ground. I shouldn't stink at keeping that from happening.

'Shouldn't be' is a fantasy in your head, we all do it. We create a picture or what we 'should be' and what the world and others in it 'should be'. Then, there's WHAT IS. I am an at home mom with no job. My house 'should be' immaculate, organized, and I 'should be' clean and groomed with perfect hair, nails and clothes. But WHAT IS, is my house usually needs dusting, vacuuming, has piles of paper and clothing clutter hidden on the coffee table behind my couch. There is usually a few old barf stains on my carpet I wasn't able to completely scrub out from the dogs. SO WHAT! I let go of what 'should be', accepted WHAT IS....now don't get me wrong I don't embrace what is, I just let go of what I thought I 'should be', accepted the areas I'm not strong in, and the great thing is now I can just feel like SO WHAT about the stuff I stink at. You're not 'supposed to' anything, well actually in my opinion you're supposed to do what you can to not hurt others especially those with no voice like animals and babies and kids. My 'supposed to' ideas are ethical, not tangible, and I feel better having let go of the supposed to's about being a home maker. I mean, weather I felt bad or not, my house got no cleaner, so why keep feeling bad? I get it that your house is beyond mild clutter, and you are doing something about it by allowing the cleaning service over. I get the matter of competence thing, but honestly, if you scrub the mold and get things back to clean yourself, or if others do it, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Look on the bright side, God will see all this and never put you on latrine duty, lol.

When I had my first baby, I thought to be a good mom, I was supposed to not take anything for pain. So I didn't. Not even when they had to cut me and stitch me back up down there. I had these ideas about what a 'good person' would do. About what a mom was 'supposed to' do. Lauren, it's never so much about what you do, but who you are to yourself and others.

Enjoy the clean place once they finish...I'm jealous - I want a cleaning crew...I'll put a big sign in my lawn that says, "My moldy butt sucks at cleaning, but with this cleaning crew my house is still cleaner than yours, nah nah!"

[Prot]

I sometimes think i should get someone in to give my place a spruce up but then i think that it's not as though i am physically incapable just not very good at executive functioning stuff like planning or organising.
This will probably sound dumb given that i am supposed to be fairly intelligent but when it comes to multi step procedures and knowing where to start i can quite easily end up working myself into a tizzy.

[roadracer]

I think this is part of the absent minded stuff like we talked about in the thread (look up executive functioning)
The tip that I found that helps, that I started doing is to add 15 minutes of cleaning to your daily schedule. I added 15 minutes of cleaning to my night/bed time list, so I clean every night for 15 minutes. I think the key is to do it in short amounts of time so it is not overwhelming, so if 15 minutes is not enough to clean your apartment, maybe do 15 when you get up in the morning as part of a morning routine, then 15 before you go to bed as part of a night routine. Also for the shower/bathroom, maybe you could have a bottle of cleaner sitting there and make it a habit to spray some of the cleaner on the tub after every bath? Make it a habit to wash each dish after you are done using it so dishes don't pill up, and after you wash that dish spray some cleaner in the sink?

For me 15 minutes is probably over kill for just cleaning my bedroom, but I will literally start cleaning walk out of the room 2 minutes into it come back into the room forgetting that I am supposed to be cleaning, look at my list, realize I was cleaning, try to finish the 15 minutes, get distracted again, repeating the process till I feel I have gave it a good 15 minutes. My mother heard me running the vacuum the other day and I don't think she could believe it as she had to come up stairs to see, then I loaded the dishwasher and I have never seen her so happy in my life, lol. (maybe cause it was the first time in my life I ever loaded the dishwasher, I don't know)

[Aspigander]

Yeah, I think it is an executive functioning issue. I think if I had routines, it would be better, but I'd need to figure out a way to make lists work for me. I've actually made routine lists before, but since I have to literally be right on top of them to read them, they tend not to work. They're just, well, there.

[Aspigander]

Mili, if no one focused on what we are 'supposed to' do, we'd have a worldful of incompetent people.

[milivica]

Ugh, well, I didn't mean that. Sometimes I think with having asperger's, it makes a person more critical of the things they think they should be able to do...because they are so continually aware of what others (socially) can do that they cannot. At least for me, it was a continual awareness I tried to fight by doing the only thing I could, becoming reclusive as possible. Still, on tv, in the store, no matter where I went, there it was in my face, people sharing enjoyment with one another, sharing ideas and thoughts and feelings and smiles TOGETHER. The only 'together' I had was my animals. I dunno, felt like continual failure rubbed in my face, especially during school years. I couldn't do what even the biggest 'nerd' could socially, just a nonstop presence of humiliation inside me.

I think you can find episodes of Clean House here if you're interested http://www.tv.com/clean-house/show/25786/summary.html

These people are 'supposed to' be able to keep their house clean. I mean, their houses are pretty bad - but hey, so what. They went on national tv, got others to do their home for them, and now it's done and they are reaping the benefit. Actually, I do remember one show I'd love to find (have looked and can't find it) where I can see for a fact the mother has asperger's. Not only during the whole show, but her reaction at the end was a dead give away. She freaked about the color (easily changed) of the paint, the fluffy pillows her daughter had, and especially about her tv being moved even though they told her she could move it back..."but I watch tv THERE, not over there" I mean she was ready to cry. Her daughter just stood there smiling like, "oh boy, here we go".

[Aspigander]

I'm honestly not sure I do it just because I'm an aspie.

I will have been in this apartment five years next month. Every time my mom walks into the place, and I mean EVERY TIME she walks in, there will be some comment made. "It stinks in here" (I have next to no sense of smell so I wouldn't know). "Look at all the dishes piled up in the sink", "Ugh! Look at this kitchen!" I could probably list a hundred other different comments she's made over five years.

It's also a problem when I go over to the house to dog sit. Because she wants a clean kitchen when she comes home, not all the dishes I've used piled up. Well...guess what she finds? Yep, that's right. Dishes piled up. Last time I was over there, I commented that I can't be perfect and she said "I don't mean you have to be perfect, I want you to be responsible."

So, therefore, having a messy apartment, or not cleaning up the dishes I use at her house, is irresponsible, right? Something I'm not 'supposed to' do?

[roadracer]

some more advice I found, throw out (or just hide) all dishes except for ONE plate, ONE bowel, ONE glass, etc. That way you will be forced to clean it after you are done with it, or to be able to use it again, and you will never have to worry about dishes piled up ever again. Problem solved, and dont tell me 'what if I have guest over' go and buy some paper plates and plastic cups for those times, or dig out the stuff you hide.

[milivica]

I'm honestly not sure I do it just because I'm an aspie.

Well then it was true for me, I was hyperaware of what others could do and I could not, because of my aspergers. I was more down on myself for everything I noticed I didn't do.

Not saying you can't be clean/organized cause you have aspergers though.

RR...love the idea of limiting dishes! When I said get rid of duplicates earlier, I hadn't thought of dishes! Maybe a supply of paper plates and plastic cups to throw into recycling after use, so no dirty dishes.

I like that idea so much, I might try it around here - I'm sick of dishes, every day every day. Be nice at least for weekends, be fun that way!

[MomOTwins]

Mili, I saw one episode of Clean House where it was obvious (and was noted by the couple involved) that the husband was an Aspie and took lots of medication to control his anxiety about having the Clean House team there asking him to give things up. It was really painful for me to watch, because I could see how much pain he was in when they kept asking him of they could sell his "found items" at the garage sale.

I'm wondering, Lauren, if you could do something similar to what our schools do with kids to keep them on track - the velcro board of tasks, the timer to remind you when you are "free" to change tasks, etc. Do you think that would make you feel uncomfortable to have that type of reminder around or might it help to keep you on track? How about a watch with a timer, or a timer that you could clip on a pocket? If you set it for the 15 minutes that RoadRacer used as an example, it would be a handy (no pun intended) way to keep you focused on getting the tasks done and then you'd get to take it off when you completed your 15 minutes of clean up time. I find that blocking out time to get a small part of a project done (even knowing that I won't complete the whole task in that amount of time) really helps me to get started on what seems like an insurmountable task.

[milivica]

Kim, I didn't see that episode, but I'd like to! I know what you mean about it being painful to watch. This woman that I saw on the show was a single mom with a grown daughter, not 'diagnosed'. If you saw her reaction, you'd know though. No doubt. I felt bad for her, and you could see how the cast was at a loss over her reaction. Neicy Nash was giving her solutions as quick as she could come up with things she disliked, but there was no getting her calm - for such minor things (not minor to her of course). The mom seemed unable to be consoled by anything what so ever that was said, not even by the fact her daughter was very happy. I understand, I felt bad for her, felt a bit 'exposed' having acted that way in the past myself since I got a glimpse of what I looked like to others (when I was extremely rigid, I was not well able to see how I looked to others).

If you ever find the show you were talking about, post it to me please.

[roadracer]

Kim, I didn't see that episode, but I'd like to! I know what you mean about it being painful to watch. This woman that I saw on the show was a single mom with a grown daughter, not 'diagnosed'. If you saw her reaction, you'd know though. No doubt. I felt bad for her, and you could see how the cast was at a loss over her reaction. Neicy Nash was giving her solutions as quick as she could come up with things she disliked, but there was no getting her calm - for such minor things (not minor to her of course). The mom seemed unable to be consoled by anything what so ever that was said, not even by the fact her daughter was very happy. I understand, I felt bad for her, felt a bit 'exposed' having acted that way in the past myself since I got a glimpse of what I looked like to others (when I was extremely rigid, I was not well able to see how I looked to others).

If you ever find the show you were talking about, post it to me please.
I had to look up the episode you where talking about, OMG, I felt so bad for the women, she had a meltdown on tv, and everyone was laughing at her, she was crying and everyone was laughing because I am guessing they didnt know how to take it and the daughter was laughing. I wont post the link for the video because it was a 'most shocking moments in tv' show where they showed the clip while making fun of the women. TV can be so cruel, if I was in that situation I probably wouldnt be able to leave the house ever again, as people will know her as 'that women who...'

[roadracer]

Mili, I found the original clip of the show you where talking about, it is not as bad as the other clip I watched, I still feel bad for the women, but not like the other one I watched.

well it wont let me post the links, freakin site, so I put spaces in you have to take out after you copy and paste
http:// vids.myspace. com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=41153171
http:// vids.myspace. com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=41005811

well, because this site screws every damn link up you try to post, if the above wont work, you will have to go to myspace videos and search for Clean House_Toni Dragon to see it

[milivica]

Thank you so much for posting that. When people say 'you can't be that autistic' cause you can hold down a job or whatnot, they don't see the continual atomic turmoil that goes on round and round all day every day - one ambush after another, it's awful. She had no positive ongoing appraisal or flexible thinking. If she did, it would have been so easy for her to laugh at the 'puke' colored walls and just plan to paint them white, recover the couch, move the tv. She had a thousand options, but could not come up with one that was ok with her or could make her feel better.

That poor lady, I really know how she feels. It sucks when you can't calm down over a solution as 'simple' or 'minor' in others eyes. You could see how it really rocked her whole universe. Uhhhh I remember those days, not too long ago, about 2 years, I'd have went on a rampage b!tching everyone out had I been her, I'd have seen no reason to thank anyone for sure. When it got difficult for me, with unexpected stuff, I'd just rage and shut down. It was awful. I wanted so bad to be there to help, but at that point nothing was going to make that lady feel better.

I think all the smiling was tension btw. People smile like that when tense, not cause they got a laugh at her anguish. The daughter was at a loss for what to do, she knew there'd be nothing she or anyone could do. The smiles were like, "Oh crap, what to we do now!"

[Aspigander]

Mili, I found the original clip of the show you where talking about, it is not as bad as the other clip I watched, I still feel bad for the women, but not like the other one I watched.

well it wont let me post the links, freakin site, so I put spaces in you have to take out after you copy and paste
http:// vids.myspace. com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=41153171
http:// vids.myspace. com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=41005811

well, because this site screws every damn link up you try to post, if the above wont work, you will have to go to myspace videos and search for Clean House_Toni Dragon to see it

Wow. That was definitely a meltdown. Just over 3:30 into the video, when she mentioned she gets home and there's certain things she likes, I got to thinking, this is EXACTLY what I refer to when I use the term 'mental blueprint'. She had certain things she liked. I have no doubt in my mind she formed a 'mental blueprint', or an idea in her head of how she expected things to go with the CH crew. She had that idea in her head, that mental blueprint, and that blueprint was shattered when they brought her and her daughter back in. I think it goes wayyyy beyond not liking the 'puke green' walls or the TV being moved or the loveseat being taken out. Those were part of it, but they were part of her 'blueprint' and it's not just that those little things being disrupted were not what she would have chosen, it's that those things being disrupted turned her mental blueprint upside down and shattered it. Result? Full head on anxiety meltdown.