Has anybody heard from Vicc?

[Cutiepie]

I've been thinking about Vicc lately and wondered if anyone knows how he is doing. I miss a lot of people since the forum crashed, but I'm particularly concerned about Vicc as he was really struggling before we all lost touch with each other.

Take care,
Julie

[Vicc]

Hi Julie

This will be too long, as usual, but an unusual series of coincidences, culminating with my coming here for the first time in weeks, makes my reply almost necessary.

I will talk again about my marriage only because my silence would remove all meaning from this: Put simply, I don't know when my wife was first unfaithful, only that the first time I know about happened during the first year. It is hard to admit knowing she did things with other men she neved did with me.

She first told me in the 9th year of our marriage. I, too, had been unfaithful, so it seemed I was being served justice; except that she didn't stop for years. Four years ago I became involved with a woman on the Internet. Everything she said in order to make me jealous and leave my wife just pushed me away from her, except that I had to prove to myself she was telling the truth. I won't bother you with details, simply admit that I was acting like a fool to prove she too was unfaithful.

Then I began examining my history and marriage. It didn't take long to figure out I had believed some truly incredible lies in order to avoid seeing the truth. I am still married to her, still care about her, and simply can't understand why. What she did hurt me so badly that I decided a long time ago the only way to end the pain was by dying.

After finally looking at the facts of my marriage, I began to lose weight. I once weighed 220 pounds; today I weigh 128. (A year ago I thought I weighed 129, but my physician and dietician agreed it must have been 139. I add this because despite constantly eating until I am painfully distended, my weight continues to drop at a rate of one pound per month. I am losing this fight).

For a year I have been telling friends that things are better, the memories less painful, but all I have been doing is hiding from them. Months ago I decided to end my life. I have a plan and a date chosen, but every day, without fail, I look at my collection of meds and ask "Why not today"?

The answer is always the same: I am not going to use pills and I haven't figured out how to tell my grandchildren.

I once wrote about RSD. I don't anymore. I know what causes it and the most effective therapy to reduce its symptoms. Every time I try to write, those terrible memories and images interfere. My son gave me a $1600.00 computer months ago and I have written nothing.

Then the coincidences began. First, I finally chose an opening line (more important than you might think), then a format of what I would say (writing for a medical journal can be intimidating to a bachelor's level social worker).

These things happenened last week. They don't solve the problem that interferes with my writing. I have found opening lines and formats before.

Last night I watched a TV program about a well-understood drug that researchers learned could be taken under the right circumstances and almost completely wipe out the terrible emotions and visions that accompany PTSD. The FDA won't fund this research because 'all life experiences are good and necessary...removing painful emotions might mean not learning a life lesson...'

Even if the only lesson you learn is that life is not worth living, the FDA, I guess, believes we should learn it.

I know the drug, spoke to my pharmacist about it (he agrees it might help with my anxiety). I know where to find the study, but won't read it until my doc gets back next week and prescribes it. Reading it probably won't hurt, but I'm having my son read it and print just the parts patients should read.

I truly hope this works. I don't think it is my last chance, but it offers more hope than anything I've heard of. The date I chose is still some time in the future; I still have to find the words for my grandchildren

Right now, my answer to "why not today"? is still sufficient. I could never hurt my family between now and the Holidays, so "today" isn't a problem. The fact that I don't turn my computer on, don't read, watch TV or listen to music are bad signs, however. Worse are the facts that I wake up in pain every four hours, wait an hour for the pain to subside, then face nothing but emotional pain until the pills let me sleep again.

No denying that I'm really feeling sorry for me. I wish I had something more positive to say, Julie, but I can say I'm not there yet...Vic

[jcherry]

Vicc, I don't know if you remember me from the old, old forum back in 2000, you know when we were all so close and chatted about every night.. me, you, gigglebabe, Dana, and the list goes on. I have thought about you over the past few years when I wasn't even reading anything about RSD.. I just had to take a break. I was so glad to see your name, and have even ask a few of the oldies from back in the day about you..

I really hated reading your post, and it really breaks my heart that you are at the place you are right now.. I know you are going through a tough time, but would you please email me/ I have some things I really really need to talk to you about, and you can click to email me I guess on my profile?

I really do need to talk to you. As I am a mother of two whose father decided that he had to take his own life, and I really need to talk to you.

Please Vicc, email me so we can talk, and beside I would love to catch up from the past few years I have missed being a part of yor life. I will be awaiting an email from you my dear friend.

I do love you and have missed all of your intelligent words, and articles.. I did lose all of the research that you had emailed me back several years ago and would love to have them again so this time I could print them and not lose them..

Love ya sweetie,
Janet

[LisaM]

Vicc, I don't know if you remember me, but I certainly remember you. I wasn't able to log onto this BT until today, because I was too obvlivious as to how to get in after the crash and my user name/password not working. But when I was told about your post, I had to figure it out...because this is smething I refuse to ignore.

vicc, my ex husband's father took his own life when my ex was an adult. My ex's wife had just given birth to their second child, a daughter. And my ex couldn't even get excited about the birth of that baby because he was too torn up about his dad.

I would like to relate to you how his death affected his grown son...because of this statement that you wrote:

I could never hurt my family between now and the Holidays, so "today" isn't a problem.

I picked that out of what you wrote, because you don't want to "hurt your family between now and the holidays. But the point is, your family will be hurt NO MATTER WHEN you do this. And it won't just hurt for a little while. Even though your children may be grown, they will still be GREATLY AFFECTED. Now...the story of how my ex was affected:

I met my ex in 1995, when my son was 4 years old. I had some issues from my past that made me not trust him, or so I thought. I also "thought" that it was "all in my head" that something was going on with him...so I snooped...a LOT. There was mistrust. Finally he got SO MAD AT ME that he said if I didn't get counseling, and stop blaming HIM for things that my other ex had done (drugs, beating me, cheating on me, etc) then we were over, cuz he wasn't going to spend the rest of his life defending himself over things he didn't do...btu that I THOUGHT he was doing, only cuz those things wer done to me in the past. So....I went to counseling. And I battled some very SERIOUS demons within myself to help me get over that...so I stopped snooping, stopped being suspicious. And when I DID get siuspicious, I'd tell myself it was "all in my head" and I'd stop.

Then, just before Christmas in 2003, after we'd been together for 8 years, he came to me and told me he had been a cocaine addict ever since befor we met. In fact, he'd been one since he father killed himself. He started using cocaine to "numb the pain." He couldn't take it. He couldn't take the thought of his father being in ****. Cuz that's what he believed...that suicide was the "ultimate sin" and that when you take the MOST PRECIOUS thing that God gave you...which was life...and you threw it away, then you spent eternity in ****. And he would envision that every single day. Say he did cocaine to numb those visions. Now...one of my "rules" after my first marriage was no drugs. he knew this on our first date...but he did it anyway, and he lied to me. She he prettymuch wasted 8 years of my life...and 8 years of my sons life...because of his OWN inability to deal wth his father's suicide. So if it all leads back to "blame" on hsi father's choice...then it ruined my ex's life, 8 years of mine, and 8 years of my son's. His daughter who was born 3 days before he took his life never met his grandpa. The wife he left behind never again spoke to her son (my ex) because my ex ended up blaming her for his father's suicide. My ex's son ended up an angry child. He stuck very close to his dad, because he worried every day that his dad would do the same thing that HIS dad did. How many people am I up to now, that the ONE MAN'S suicide affected for the rest of their lives? Oh...and my ex...he also nevr spoke again to his brother...because his brother DIDN'T blaem his mom for the suicide, so those two fought over that issue. The ENTIRE family broke up over that.

During the time my ex and I were together, my stepfather was a "big wig" at one of the "big three" auto companies. He got my ex a job at one of them making VERY awesome money. The only reason he "came clean" to me about his addiction was because he "tested dirty" on two drug tests...and stood to lose his job. That's also the only reason he went to rehab. Now...i did stand byhim for a year. Just to give it myall. But in the end, I couldn't get over the lies - the 8 long years of him lying to me over somehting SO BIG. So, I asked for a divorce.

And I will never, EVER forgive him for that lie, for taking those 8 years from me. My son never had his OWN father. My first ex, who is my son's biological father, ran off and never saw my son. So this man, he was the only father my son ever knew. But when we divorced, even though he promised to stay in my son's life...he said he was "too messed up" to do that. So now, after 8 years, my son once again has no father.

I'm telling you this, Vicc...not to make uou feel guilty, and not to tak you out of this...but to make you realize taht the ONE SINGLE STTEMENT YOU MADE

I could never hurt my family between now and the Holidays, so "today" isn't a problem.


isn't a true statement. If you "break it down" what do you get? You get this:

I could never hurt my family

You really COULD never hurt your family, right? NEVER! Whether it's a holiday or not, I don't think a man like you could ever hurt your family. But look at how the suicide of my ex's father completely and totally ruined an entire family...as well as spilled into MY LIFE AND MY SON'S...and we weren't even ANYWHERE around when that happened. My son and I entered my ex's life about 4 years LATER. And 12 years later we LEFT my ex's life. So 12 years after that man took his life, my ex, HIS SON, was still suffering to the point that he used cocaine on a daily basis to get thru the day so he didn't have to feel his emotions. That's how BAD it hurt him. And for that entire 12 years, the entire family was torn apart.

The second part of that statement you made:

so "today" isn't a problem.

No....today ISN'T a problem - and not because it's not the holiday yet, and not because it's "not the date" yet. But because you aren't ready. Because if you were, "why not today?" would mean it would have happened already. Vicc....you care way too much about RSD, about your kids, about your family, about YOURSELF to give up. I know you do. Everyone HERE knows you do. And YOU know you do. If you keep thinking "today isn't a problem" then things will get better.

I'm pretty sure you are on antidepressants. Is your doctor a pain mgt doc? Have you talked about a morphine pump? Would it help if a FAMILY MEMBER or one of US called your doctor and explained how badly you hurt? Cuz ya know...when I go, I know I don't get thru to my dotor as well as my SO can. I just go in and say everyting is okay...I'm doing all right, how are you doc? I can't relay to hm how bad I feel. I NEED an advocate sometimes. And I think you could use one also. Perhaps your son?

I'm sure if you get on the right combo of meds, the world would look much brighter hon. Something is "out of whack" for you.

Don't dwell on the past. Don't just sit there and let the pain get to you, and don't lock yourself in the closet. Talk to us. Talk to those of us who UNDERSTAND THE PAIN. Who understand the DEPRESSION that goes along with the pain. I ge the (as someone so eloquently calls it) "I want my old life back blues" at least once a month or so. I just want to craw into bed and go to sleep and wake up when theyfind a cure. But I know if I did that, I'd never wake up.

Vicc...if you leave us, who is going to fight for us? Who is going to research for us? Man....you are an amazing soul, and us RSD-ers NEED YOU! You are soooo very valuable to us, you have no idea. The things you have done, the research, the teaching....if it were't for ppl like you, we'd be NOWHERE. We need you Vicc....

And...my point of all this is NOT to tell you the story of MY LIFE, or to get pity for my own situation. It's to let you know how the taking of ONE LIFE that is VERY PRECIOUS affected that man's son...his entire family, his grandchildren, and the extended family, so many, many years later. Just food for thought, Vicc. Please, keep this in mind. You think that "today" is not a good day because the holidays are coming. But "tomorrow" won't be good either...because your son, grandchildren, ENTIRE FAMILY, and extensions of those people could very well suffer for years to come as a result of what you do with your life. So why not stay around and do some GOOD...like you HAVE BEEN. Help us, with your intellect, your kindness, your research, your LOVE that you HAVE inside you. You are loved...by so many here. It would be a waste to lose someone so precious to so many.

Now, I've talked your ear off too long...and my rsd is in my hands and they are killing me, so if you got this far, I just hope youunderstand the utter and total impact you could have on so many people - not onlu in the real world, but here in cyber land also, if you go thru wth your plan. There is noone in this world like you, Vicc.

(ps...my father and brother are both named Vic :) My brother calls himself Tor...or Tor the Mighty :)

God Bless you Sweetie. I'll pray for you tonight and every night. And I do hope youwill check in often, so we know you are okay.

[himomdp]

Vic,

Hello sweetie. I think of you every single day. I know you believe me when I say this. When I think of you I wonder what you are doing, how you are dealing with your life. I know its rough…but how rough is it? Well you have answered my question. It’s rough huh?

I remember the day you took that “road trip” with your friend, wasn’t it a bottle of booze? But then you came upon a telephone booth? Gosh, my memory is awful, but that’s the story right? Vic, I don’t want you to become another statistics of RSD even though I know as many do here JUST how rough you have it. Just how much you’ve been through.

You have helped so many here in our little family and have never once asked from help from us. But you have received an outpouring of love, compassion, and even tears of joy!

I can only pray to God that you will do the right thing by yourself. Heck, you have worked all your life helping others to do the right thing. And I trust you absolutely completely that you will do the right thing here. I do Vic. I absolutely do.

I know that you are hurting big time. The meds are not helping much. But you know as much as I know that when you hurt you have to take a big breath and know that the hurt will subside and it will get a tiny bit better. The sun will come up and your grandchildren will be coming in or phoning. Your son…your son is a good man. God love him for being there for you. I know you think of these things. The most important things in your life.

The day will come when all of us must go. God should make this decision. Not us. Please let him do his job. You have to trust in him.

Trust that the researchers. You have a lot more work to do. A lot more joy to have in your days, months and years to come.

I thank you for coming here and taking the time to share your thoughts with us. You’re a wonderful man. A caring and loving man.

I’m so freaking happy to have you in my life. And I’m so happy that you are back here with us.

Please keep with us here. And post as often as you can.

With much tender alohas as my fingers can send to you! Dana

[Cutiepie]

Hi Vicc,
Thank you for taking the time to reply so openly and honestly, though it is certainly not what I hoped to hear.

I really can't add much to what the others already said. My sister took her own life and my parents, siblings and I have lived with much grief and feelings of guilt that will never go away. Please don't do this to your loved ones. No words you can think of to explain it to your grandchildren will ever be sufficient.

It sounds like the 'coincidences' that occurred last week might be a glimmer of hope for you. Hang on to those. Hang on to the love and friendships you have here.

Would you please consider posting your information in a thread again? I'm assuming it's still in your computer. You know that from the start of my time here I have been a proponent of blocks as I had so much success from them. I admit that I was skeptical of your findings in the beginning, but the more I read of your research the more sense it made (though I admit that some of it was over my head). The bottom line is that everybody is different and not all people will benefit from the blocks the way I have. They need to read your information and know they have other options.

Thanks again expending the physical and emotional energy to write us. You will be in my prayers.

Julie