Total Recall

[houghchrst]

I lean over the kitchen sink sobbing, remembering why it was I wasted so much of my life using drugs and alcohol. To escape; wishing at that moment that I could just have a little bit of that. I so need to escape. I am so tired. Mentally and emotionally drained. As though everyone, whether human or animal constantly demands something of me. Not a moment goes by that I am not doing or thinking of someone/thing else. I feel as though I am perceived as the hazy figure in the whirlwind that surrounds others in my life as they go through their life and they call me into being when they want something. Almost as though I don't exist unless they want/need something.

I think just a little smoke to dull the incessant pain in my body from the two days of rain, to dull the guilt of not getting enough housework done, to dull the feelings that I am a failure, to dull the fear that I am going to spend the rest of my life like this.

Are they done? Is the homework done, is dinner done/eaten, load of laundry put in, dishes stacked neatly for dishwasher in the morning, mother's appt rescheduled so not tomorrow, oldest did some practice GED testing, books returned to library and movies gotten for kids, snacks picked up for after dinner. None of this will I be thanked for. You don't thank a ghost.

If I could just disappear for real for a little while; but I know I can't so I plod through.

[Bahamaroot]

((((Christina))))

You know better than anyone that drugs and alcohol are not an escape. Not only do they cause their own problems, but the problems you were trying to escape are still there when you get back.

Failure.....NOT! You are a survivor!
You don't give yourself enough credit for staying clean and sober! Their are so many out there that only dream of being able to do what you have done! Stop obsessing over little things like housework. It'll get done when it gets done, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

My wife says "thank you mom" out loud every time she does something for our son.
"Thank you mom" every time he sits down at the supper table.
"Thank you mom" every time she gives him his laundry to put away.
"Thank you mom" every time she hands him some thing he asked for.
There is not to many times that he doesn't say it for himself now, and she always follows with your welcome. She does it to teach him manners more than to get acknowledgement for herself(though I know she likes it:)). You might want to try this around your house.

Take a little walk around the yard and get some fresh air and a few minutes of escape, it does wonders for the soul.

And what's wrong with being a ghost? After you are gone you can come back and haunt them! :eek::D;):p

I hope you get them spirits up soon! God bless you! :)

[Buttons2]

Christina,boy can I relate to the "feeling like a ghost". that's exactly what I say out loud to myself since I know HM won't be listening anyways! Actually it's more feeling like a ghost/slave thing. And while adding another dog to the household has created even MORE work for me,she does make me laugh & I sure need that!

No where in your post did you indicate anyone else in the household does anything to help.......same here. And you know why? Cause they know we'll do it all for them! Or worse yet they could care less & just take it all for granted.

Now I don't recall picking up after my son's so much,but living with HM is like living with a 2 yr old. He's never met a drawer or cabinet door he could close! So now I'm letting the doggie help herself to his socks he leaves on the floor,the important papers he leaves around,etc. Chew away Buttons cause I'm sick of being a maid!!

Now I realize you began this thinking how a joint or perhaps a drink or ?? would make it all so much better. Then you probably got angry thinking how you've been so good for so long & where has that gotten you?

It's given you your self respect for one thing. It's kept you from being helpless to the addictions. It's given you the pride of being a good mother. It's made you responsibile & you can not only hold your head high,you can fight for your children's well being.

You're overwhelmed right now! You've also been sick (more than the ususal 24/7 crap). And everyone is trying to suck you dry. So what to do? Stand up for YOURSELF now. Delegate household chores. Inforce some rules.

You are not the type to be mellow & just take it all in stride.......so put whatever energy you have left to sitting those 3 guys down & letting them have a reality check on how it's got to be!

Good luck on that.......not easy. (((((hugs)))))

[Bahamaroot]

So what to do? Stand up for YOURSELF now. Delegate household chores. Inforce some rules.

You are not the type to be mellow & just take it all in stride.......so put whatever energy you have left to sitting those 3 guys down & letting them have a reality check on how it's got to be!

Absolutely! Very good advice. And if they don't like it, tell them where the door is!

[houghchrst]

Thank you guys. Yes I make it through each of those moments. Last night was bad enough to make me look up local NA meetings. I know all too well what a 'slip' would do to me. Fear keeps me clean.

Pati, oh how I laughed at the socks on the floor and Buttons enjoying a chew lol. I have stopped matching and folding socks, folding boxer briefs, turning shirts right side out to hang them because he takes them off wrong side out. My oldest has actually turned out to be a tremendous help doing some things without even being asked. I have totally stopped folding his clothes lol. What he does with them after they are handed to him I have no idea and couldn't care less, he has to wear them.

I think part of it to me is that the clutter is almost a physical/mental thing. I already have all this clutter in my head and when I am surrounded by it tangibly then it is almost like it is doubled. I have no idea if that makes any sense.

Jeff that 'thank you mom' is a great idea. My boys do say thank you I guess, I just for once would like someone out of the blue to do something nice for me just for the heck of it. Like gee mom, don't get up I will vaccum the floor, or I hear the dryer buzzer I will run down and get the clothes. Someone take the initiative. Instead of sitting around making me feel like I am asking them to do my job.

I know, it is that mind set that it is my job. Was I raised that way? Wow was I really. In my head I know that logically it should be a shared household but do I feel bad asking others to do chores because I have guilt that I can't, am not doing more?

My little one tells me I am the best mom when we pull in to the ice cream place 2 blocks down for a $2 ice cream, or if I let him play on the PS2, or if he gets 10 more minutes extra before bed. I should be grateful, I have a lot to be grateful for. But I am afraid, and tired.

You are right, more delegation. Big things on the bf's day off. He'll just love that.

[Buttons2]

Well as I just finished mopping the utility room floor cause HM was watching some show about moose on TV & had ignored me saying the dogs just ate (thus need to go out ASAP!!), I was thinking about you Christina. Not that you're a mophead! It occurred to me this is a full moon.......and we all get a tad stirred up just from that.

I know the guilt thing,what mother doesn't? And being the oldest child I did it all while my siblings did nada. So what you say? Well the fact is I sure feel better about myself than my sister or brother do!

And I asked myself if it's a "guy" thing,I mean would we expect a daughter to do the laundry cause we know someday she'll need to know how? Looking back I taught both my boys to do housework,laundry & cooking. Which as it turned out was a good idea since neither one has ever had a mate to do it for them!

Your family cannot "see" your pain,or the mental stuff you go through. Nobody can. One good thing about BT is knowing we're not alone in feeling quilty cause we can't work. It wasn't our choice! Heck wouldn't it be great to be gone 60hrs a week & hire someone else to do the chores? Hahahahaha.......

That's not the way most of us live however. And a household needs to be a shared responsibility. I'm relieved to read that oldest son is doing something to help. I recall when my oldest lived here for a few months & did absolutely nothing except sit in front of the computer until he got a job. He had just about sunk through the bottom on a meltdown & I was so grateful he was alive & I could help him-I waited on him hand & foot! Mind you this was just 7-8yrs ago & he was a grown man.

Now with HM it's just easier to do it all myself than get frustrated right? Seems some things we just never learn ya know? I find this sad,however that doesn't keep me from being mad! As I was wringing out the mop I said to myself how sad this situation here is cause it could be so much better. That's the first time I've admitted that.

That quote I have under my name was given to me by HM,a speaker @ Kiwanis brought it when she gave a lecture on alzeimer's. I keep it on the frig,it's been there so long now that I tend to ignore it. I think it's something we should all keep in mind. It doesn't say to be the very best we can be......so don't beat yourself up for not being perfect cause we all know that no such person exists.

I also thought of how much you try to do for your kids,going on outings even though it hurts you to do so. All you do for your mother & the resentment you must feel cause your brother doesn't step in. The stress of finances. All the day to day stuff that we can't control.

Maybe plan a short little jaunt to a local park this weekend? Tell the kids & BF you think it's past time for a winter break & if everyone chips in & helps then you'll treat yourselves to a day off. I know it's probably colder there than here but bundle up & get outside anyways. If you have a zoo nearby go see the critters & laugh at something!

P.S. If I keep adopting dogs to keep my own sanity going I might need to be shipped off myself!

[Bahamaroot]

I finally had to sit my son down and let him know that taking out the garbage was his job, from the kitchen and to the street and I better not see his mother do it again. He better do it without being told and I better not see someone else do it or he would lose his internet privleges. He loves his internet games. This came about after not taking it out when he was told and I saw his mother taking the garbage to the street before work at 6:30a.m.:mad: I was fed up of hearing "I forgot" and seeing his mother do it while he did nothing but sit behind a computer or sleep. He is real good at making sure it is done now.

His mother works long hours and makes most of the money. I work when my health allows(I'm self-employed), do all the cooking, a lot of the cleaning and manage the budget. The least he can do is take out the damn garbage.

"I have stopped matching and folding socks, folding boxer briefs, turning shirts right side out to hang them because he takes them off wrong side out."
I have tried to get my wife to have this attitude because our son takes EVERY THING off inside out. My wife always turns his stuff out the right way before she washes it. I've told her that's nuts. I asked her if she has ever had to do that to my clothes,"no", that's because my mother taught me to do it right or not get your clothes washed.

It is just a few little things like this that helps take some of the pressure off and just have a little more time to yourself. As you said, delegation.

By the way, my son is 19 now and has been hard to train.

"it's just easier to do it all myself than get frustrated right? Seems some things we just never learn ya know?"
It took me a long time to learn!

We all have our flaws and some things have to be tolerated, but many things have to be addressed for our sanity. Guilt has no place when you are doing your best, tomorrow is more important than the past. If it was only as easy as it is said. :cool:

You ladies are the best! It is great to converse with you! :)

[houghchrst]

I spend a lot of time at the library and not long ago the librarian and I were talking and somehow we got onto the subject of men and housework, excuse me here Jeff because I do know that not all men are created equal lol, or I should say their lack there of and she said she finally got tired of reminding, cajoling, arguing, and pressuring her husband to pick up after himself and help around the house. She just finally came to the realization that she was not going to be able to change him so she did the best she could and hired someone to come in and clean once a week. If he didn't like the way the money was being spent then he could start helping. He never complained about the money.

Now I sure could use that LOL. Maybe my oldest's first job could be housecleaning lol.

I am thinking of going to the Midland Center for the Arts this weekend. They have lizards and such. Sounds like icky, giggly fun.

[Buttons2]

Jeff,we love having a guy around here!

Looking back I recall the socks inside out & that's just the way I left them!

Now I have a new doggie that takes off with my housemate's socks & I just grin.....

Christina,I hope you guys all enjoy the weekend,just don't overdo the walking!

[houghchrst]

I second the guy thing Pati, Jeff.

I don't know what I was thinking, I ain't goin' no wheres. I am sick, yuck.

Well that idea is all shot to $&#* lol.

[Bahamaroot]

I guess you'll have to get your icky, giggly fun another time. ;)
Get some rest and get better soon!

[Buttons2]

How about having BF take the boys on an outing so you can have total peace & quiet for a few hours? Get well soon ((((hugs to heal)))))

[houghchrst]

The oldest is gone up north for the weekend and the bf is going to work on a car at one of the school mom's house so shortcake will get to spend some time at his best friend's house for a while. She has been saying that she will get him for the night some night but the last time she said that she backed out. I told my mom that I would come out this weekend but I just got through attempting to talk to her through Instant Messaging and I am pretty sure she is half lit so I am pretty disgusted right now so won't be going there tomorrow. Sure she will call me to check on my health tomorrow.

Don't know what I will do. Always want to sleep but feel as though valuable time has been wasted. If I have time alone I want to enjoy it. What do I do? Sit in an empty, quiet house and just 'enjoy' it? Couple of hours seems like it is never enough. I need a vacation, about a week of just me. I don't see that happening for at least 8-10 years. Crap I have just slipped into self pity mode which leads to tears again, time to go.

[tic chick]

(((((((chris)))))),

being sick is the pits.

being sick and feeling unappreciated is pittier.

you have been sick with this respiratory thingie for a couple weeks now. things look doubly depressing. i understand the part about "a cluttered house, a cluttered mind."

one more week until spring, chris!

think positively!

*i got my sunglasses...

HEY! GUESS WHAT I DID? *sparkle

luv,
jeannie

[Buttons2]

Ah Christina,I hope you do just enjoy some alone time. Cry if it helps! It's a new week coming & hopefully we will all see signs of spring soon! We all want/need what we don't get much of.......and being sick just makes the gap bigger between what we do versus what we get back. Hang in there......we need you back with your sharp wit & sense of humor!

((((hugs)))))

[houghchrst]

Well by golly they no sooner leave than the oldest gets home lol. I lounged in bed and dozed and felt sorry for myself the was bored and then dozed. I lolled in bed for about four hours LOL. The bf got home later than he should have with shortcake but took care of him from then on so I could just play on the puter with my MP3 player blasting in my ears. I do feel a bit better today, not quite so 'pitty' LOL. Lungs are finally clearing.

Pati I do cry, sometimes I think the BF will get sick of my crying. Sometimes I feel bad because I don't cry until he gets home. I am relieved he is home and need comfort and feel like I can finally release. I feel so bad for him cause who wants to come home to a crybaby all the time LOL.

Jeannie, LOL, yeah, well shoot I will have to go back to contacts again for sunglasses so maybe instead I need a big floppy sunhat.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS YOUS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}