UNFREEKIN BELEIVABLE THING HAPPENED Help

[dagaz]

First off I had a shunt put in my head 13years ago to take pressure off of

my csf leak site thats all no other reason well this summer my life changed

drastically!! The most I can remember is my husband saying every word I said

didn't make a word of sense:confused:, I tried to follow his directions to put on my shoes and tie them, I guess I was doing a lousy job of it :( He took

[SIZE="2"]me to emergency from there I was flown air ambulance to Calgary foothills hosp because my shunt had blocked... no big deal normally because it was only put in there for the reason I mention above, well I gguess my ventricles

have become dependant on it and I now have hydrocephalus, I have cried many tears, I am so afraid for one I didn't believe the NS at first because of my confusion until he pulled up my CT on the computor and my ventrilcle looked like a baloon. I was so afraid.
I am so scared of it happening again, I ended up having 2 shunt revisions 3

weeks apart, my DH'sbrother died in the Queen of the North ferry sinking while I was having surgery and now he says he will never forgive me for what I put him through:confused:

I was put on a very high dose of Topamax that caused me to be out of it most of the time so I wouldn't have a seizure, but he said I wasn't there for him and made him and my DD stress out
Thanks for any advice and your support[SIZE="2"]

Dag

[stillstANNding]

Oh, Dag, what s difficult, scary summer. You MUST know that nothing is/was your fault. You are not responsible. Perhaps your husband's mourning is expressed by being angry at you?

All you can do is take the best care of you.

I hope you have adjusted to the Topamax.

Best regards,
ANN

[cyclingzealot]

Agree with Ann. You are not responsible for yours or your husband's situaiton. It is a sad thign that his brother passed, and I am sure it's hard. But hoepfully he comes around and dela with the grief and realize that you need him to be ther for you.

Peace.

[Cat Dancer]

I'm so sorry this has happened with you! The others are right..

your illness is not your fault, and it certainly isn't like you could have done something different!

I hope your husband comes around. I know it's tough to lose a brother; mine died some years ago and I still grieve for him....but I never blamed anybody else!

Take care

[*Joy*]

Dearest Dag,

I agree with the others and only want to add my concern for you. I'm so sorry that you've had troubles this summer.

I lost my sister last year. It is a terrible loss for it to happen so quickly but it certainly wasn't your fault nor was it your fault that you were so sick at the time. If you can, try to give him some time to come around. We all act like an a$$ sometimes.

I've taken Topamax in the past and it does wipe you out. Are you doing better on it now?

[Lazarus]

traumatic times are tough...I am ashamed of how I have handled great stress but so glad my loved ones have been patient with me. I have been rough on them, I am sure.

Hugs.
Linda

[dagaz]

Thanks guys I have drastically had the dose lowered I only take it at night now
but the whole ordeal and him not forgiving me has threatened our marriage! He was being trained in his las post I'll say while we moved and my DD and I had to set up everything in our new house when he came "home he said the only reason he came to the new placewas for our DD and because he was transfered:( .

So I walk around not only petrified about getting sick because he will leave if I do, but I treat him like a king because I don't want him to leave.

Cat you've always been there for me I am so glad your here it's like having a best friend around again,Thanks.

Thanks Ann it's good to see you too...

nice to meet you cycle

[cyclingzealot]

nice to meet you cycle

And you as well. :)

I wish I had some wise words to give you concerning how to handle your husband's threat to leave. I don't. :( But he needs to come to grips with things.

But you cannot live your life in fear of that. Have you suggested some kind of counselling to him? Would he he be receptive to such an idea?

[cricket52]

Hi:

Sorry you have been through such a horrible time with health issues.

I was a funeral director and grief counsellor. One of the ways people handle grief is anger - it's very common. Usually the funeral director and family members bear the brunt of it.

Your husband is grieving the loss of his brother and the loss of your health. It has scared him.

Not to put a damper on things, but you do not need or deserve the abuse. Serious grief can and probably should last a year or more. He needs support and if necessary, counselling. He may not be aware of the effect his anger is having on you and your family. Grief is no excuse for bad behaviour. It might explain it, but it's not an excuse.

My husband became very angry after my second visit to the MS neuro. I left because I refused to accept his verbal abuse. I went to a shelter, got lots of support and since I am on disability, my daughter and I manage nicely. He still hasn't figured out that his anger was destructive. We were married for 34 years and had been through a lot together. He just couldn't cope with me not being the breadwinner and busy person I once was.

Perhaps he was scared too. Until he gets counselling (and I'll go to), I will stay on my own. I am much much healthier since I left him, no stress, no tiptoeing around him trying not to look or feel "sick". I can sleep when I need to, relax when I am in pain and can't do the housework and I am not afraid of upsetting him by what I say or do.

I am really really sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope you can get the support and help you need for both of you and for the sake of your family.

[Chris119]

I agree 100% with everything said here by previous posters. But Dag -- I also wanted to say that my heart is breaking for you. There is nothing like the guilt and pressure that loved ones can dish out. The heart has a funny way of ignoring the rational prompts of the brain. I'm sure you know that none of this is your fault and that DH is off on irrational planet -- just as I'm certain your heart is insisting that there must be something you could do to fix this.... I surely do hope this passes quickly for you.

Chris

[Una]

I also agree with everyone else here. You are in the proverbial rock and a hard place.:eek: Your illness and your brother-in-laws death are not your fault. It's nobodies fault. Your husband lost his brother and nearly lost you it sounds like. That is a lot to take for anyone. You need to take care of yourself Dag. Since you have just moved it sounds like there is no one close by for you or is there? I really feel for you! Like Cricket said see if you can get counseling you don't need to be stressing out at the moment. We all know stress just makes everything worse. You are in my thoughts.

[dagaz]

He would never go to see anyone about this, his brother's body couldn't be brought up,so my DH has had no closure:( so I do understand his sadness, the ferry is so far down it is as far down as the tallest building in the world is high(the name of it has slipped my mind) BC ferry's will never bring it up(the sunk ferry) because of the cost:mad: if you want to look up the sinking it's the Queen of the Noth sinking in British Columbia June 24th. Thanks for all of your replies and help...

Dag

[Lady]

Dag I'm so sorry for you my dear. Here you are with a blocking shunt and a balloon of fluids in your head and you get verbally abused. Don't tip toe around him. If you are sick, you are sick.

What if it was your husband that was so sick? I am sure you would not have treated him the way he treated you. Don't make excuses for him. He needs counseling. You just concentrate on you and your daughter if you can. Why should you have to keep him happy?
Lady

[Judy]

Awwww Dag, I'm so sorry you're going through all this carp. With our 'wonderful' disease, that stress surely isn't helping matters!

As others have said, take good care of you and don't be so concerned regarding your hubby. He's a big boy and will just have to "put on his big BOY panties and deal with it"!

Take care.

[*Joy*]

Dag,

I was thinking of you and wondering how you are today.

After reading Cricket's post I want to say that I agree with her. No one should ever feel obligated to accept abuse as a solution to saving a marriage. There is always always a financial solution to leaving under those circumstances.

On the other hand, sometimes we have to work very hard to get over the rough spots in marriage. Most of us say a hateful thing now and then. Not that it's right, just that it's human.

You are the only one who knows what your life is like. And all I really want to say is that we're here to listen and help if we can.

XOXO
Joy

[dagaz]

[FONT="Times New Roman"]Half way through a reply and I accidentally closed it oops... who else is a little rusty? I am so glad we are all back, I don't do the roll call thing but I am seeing some of the long timers and it's sure good to see you again, and it's nice to see new people as well ... Judy Big boy panties almost had me roflmao lol hehehe, I can't possibly list all of your names or I'll be here forever I want to thank you all for your support and thank you....


Dag

[keltie4]

Hello Dag

not fair at all - none of this is your fault - and yes I know that grief does mess us up - especially when it is a brother or similar -- sounds like you guys need to go and talk to a pro - especially if you are over doing things and not taking care you yourself (treating him like a king).

I am just up here in Calgary if you ever want to talk - never hesitate my phone number is still the same and my email is keltie4@hotmail.com !

{{{HUGS}}}

j

[dagaz]

I was wondering where you were I'm glad to see you.. how are things? Keltie? Unfortunately there is no Highland here so "D" has pretty well quit:( it's so sad, we had an option to either move here or Calgary, needless to say I wanted to go to Calgary But my DH wanted to move here.

Joy I'm having a better day, my sister took me to one of those sex parties... so funny' I'm not into those "toys" but I laughed my head off when the hostess would show what they were,,,

Cycle, chris, lady,Judy,cricket and una... I really appreciate all of your support and helpful thoughts, isn't it funny how perfect strangers can come together and only have one or two things in common and share so much of themselves and become such close friends that they depend on each other to get through the rough spots in their lives. Thank you, you are what I call friends thanks and all those that I didn't mention thank you as well....

[elizabeth]

This is amazing... both for all you have been through and for what your husband is putting you through, too. I will say a few things about both aspects here.

First, obvioulsy, it's not your fault that your shunt failed, or that your body has become dependent upon it. It's actually rather expected that your body would depend upon the shunt, otherwise, why would neurosurgeons go through the trouble, danger, and expense of installing it to start with? It's fairly common for shunts to block after time, and 13 years is a long time for trouble free operation. I am just glad that you were able to get help and get everything straightened out before you suffered major damage to your brain, or injury to yourself, as a result of the problem!

Now, about your husband: It's very obvious he's been under a lot of stress. Between your problems and the ferry accident, he's been through a LOT, and he's had to bear a lot without you there to help him because there's ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you could have been there with him during this hard time. He WILL forgive you for "what you've put him through" -- it's going to take time though, and a counselor might be a really good idea.

You had no choice as to whether you were there or not, and you certainly had nothing to do with the ferry accident itself, so to assign any blame to you is not rational, as your husband will eventually realize. He's undoubtedly angry/upset that he felt alone when things were bad, because he WAS alone then, for all practical purposes. Being married is no guarantee that your spouse will be there to hold your hand when you want them to, even though that's what we might want.

So, I hope your DH will accept that you could not help, although you would have if you could have I am sure. PLEASE try to encourage him to accept counseling, either with you or alone to work through his anger and his grief over his brother AND YOUR problem, too. I'm sure it's weighing on him as it does on you.

And lastly, please take really good care of yourself. Hydrocephalus is not the end of the world. It's manageable. Really. I take topamax every day, too, though for another condition, and you can even get used to it, too - ;) . I will be thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You are at a tough time, but things will get better once you get past the shocks you have had. After all, with respect to your health, the only REAL change is that now you have knowledge. You need to mourn your BIL's death and take care of your DH. Everything has a way of sorting itself out and resuming "normalcy" whatever that is! :)

Sending you a hug and all my best wishes for healing all around -- love from Elizabeth

[dagaz]

Thanks Elizabeth, how much Topamax are you on, I was on 900mg am and 900/pm an I weighed only87lbs... I'm up to my normal weight of 94lbs now so I am feeling some what "normal again that way, but if I had'nt had the dose lowered my DH would have walked out on me forsure! lets say he is'nt the most understanding person in the world however we are talking more and he seems to be coming around:o . He has had a rough summer, lots of worries his mom had breast cancer on top of it all:( , she is a lovely person maybe I'm being selfish here.

Thanks Elizabeth don't think I forgot who you were I know you have been here a long time too.... ;) .... Dag

[*Joy*]

Dag,

It's good to hear that you're feeling a little better and I'm really happy for you that you and your DH are talking things over.

I don't think you're being selfish, Dag. You have a right to feel the way you feel. We work through our feelings and we grow. Right?

Sex toys!? I might have a couple.

Let us know how it's going for you.

[BBS1951]

I don't get it.

Why would you be fearful that your DH would leave you?

It sounds like he is a poor excuse for a man. He sounds like an 8 year old, you know, its all about him, him and him.

Cut him loose. Men like him do not change.

Would you ever in a million years behave like him? Of course not.