MAJOR depression.....TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!

[AncientWolf]

Any part of this post can be a trigger for many of you so I don't know which parts to mark and which not to.


I really doubt anyone will respond to this as I seem to be a pariah here at Braintalk lately and I have no idea why, but this place has been an online home for me for a while and I have come to rely on it so I come here with my issues today not knowing where else to turn and hoping that some of my friends here are still my friends. Mainly, I need to just write it all out. I would love feedback, encouragement, etc, but I have to understand if there are no responses even if I don't understand why.

Lately I've been in a depressive funk that I just can't seem to rise out of. Unfortunately I've exhausted all the resources of this county and the next two counties away from here trying to find a counselor who will see me, but they all seem to have the policy that since I won't take meds they won't even see me. (Please let's not discuss the benefits or risks or whatever about meds, it's a conversation that has caused nothing but problems in my experience.) I'm not suicideal. A large part of me wants to sing, "Stop the world I wanna get off", but I know that's unrealistic.

I'm not entirely sure why I entered this funk. I used to get like this all the time when I was a teenager, but I haven't had a truly lengthy deep funk like this one in a long time. It might be because I've been having a lot of seizures lately and that always mixes up my emotional state, but the opposite may also be true....it may be the depression is triggering the seizures (stress is a major trigger for seizures and depression is definately stress)....or both.

What I don't understand is this: I am so pessimistic during this depression. I cry over everything. Everything someone says or does I put a negative spin on. Constructive criticism makes me feel like I'm worthless and have made no progress towards improving myself over the years. Yet, rationally I know that it's not right to think like that. My rational mind remains active despite the depression. I have all my inner voices (subconscious mind) telling me that I shouldn't be depressed and that people really do like me and I am a good person, but I can't seem to convince myself. I don't know what to make of this.

When I used to go into depressive funks like this I wouldn't usually be able to see the rational side of it all, but this one I can...it just doesn't seem to matter that I know I'm being foolish at least on some level.


I would love insight as to why I can rationally know I'm being irrational, yet can't convince myself to be otherwise. Am I the only one who has experienced this?

This depression is the kind where I don't feel motivated to do anything. T.V. is barely satisfying at best. Reading is out of the question because my mind wanders to everything that's troubling and distracts me. I've tried going on walks, but sad songs run through my head and all my "troubles" (real and percieved) come flooding in and I end up crying. I am lacking in energy as if someone pushed the slow motion button on me. When I walk it's like I'm trying to move through deep water with weights on my shoulders and ankles.

For the last 10 years I haven't had a depressive funk that has gone this deep or lasted this long. There isn't anything new in my life that's particularly stressful, it just started on it's own about a month or so ago. Maybe it's been building for a while, I don't know. I do know that dinner doesn't get cooked, dishes don't get done, cleaning doesn't get done at all, I still shower but nowhere near often enough lately. I go from sleeping 14 hours in a day (or more) to sleeping maybe 3 hours if I'm lucky for several days in a row with no seeming correlation as to timing of either (If I slept 14 hours one day I'd expect to sleep only a few the next day, but it doesn't work that way.)

Alright, I better end this before I make an even bigger fool of myself. Thanks for letting me put it all down. Sorry for the length and all the crud.

Peace,

Daniel

[Ponygirl]

:eek:


Well, "I" still remember you & consider you, a friend!:);)

{{{{{{{{{{{{Daniel}}}}}}}}}}}}

Phyllis

[AncientWolf]

:eek:


Well, "I" still remember you & consider you, a friend!:);)

{{{{{{{{{{{{Daniel}}}}}}}}}}}}

Phyllis


Thanks Phyllis. I really needed to hear that. Sometimes this disease makes me (and others with bipolar) feel like I'm the cause of everyone's problems and no one really likes me. It's been really hard lately with the seizures being as bad as they've been. Supportive words such as yours and some that I've recieved in pm have been really helpful today.


((((((((((((Phyllis)))))))))))))))))


Peace,

Daniel

[yoyo_girl]

My dear wolfie... I recognize your nick, mine is a new one for complicated reasons. It hurts me to hear you feel so rejected.

You're not alone. I have gone through what you've mentioned... the funk that you see is there but can't budge. Rationally seeing the irrational. I wish I knew why it happens. Our brains don't do things the way they should. I was there in that place last weekend. Right now I seem to be flying a bit.

I will listen. I will be a friend if I can and if you will accept me as one. I will be online for a while longer tonight but then not on again until sometime on the weekend probably. I am away all day tomorrow.

Here are some of the things I do to make it through...
* I write out as much as I can. Journal if you can. It can be pretty eye-opening.
* write down a list of the good things in your life and read it aloud, often.
* find a happy song you like and sing along - even if you don't feel like it
* go out among people, being out of the house is good for you

I don't have any arguement with meds or no meds. Do what you believe is best for you. It's too easy to tell someone else what they should or shouldn't do. We make choices and decide which things are worth what. There are times when the depression for me is worth the meds, other times not so much so.

No one should be claiming to be all knowing and telling anyone else what to do. When I see that it says to me that they are actually insecure about their own choices... ie. make you do something justifies what they do... make sense?

Can you do one thing for me? It's simple and oh so hard... can you please tell yourself that you are alive, and you are a good, strong person? There is a light in all of us and sometimes we lose track of it. Your light is still there.

namaste

[AncientWolf]

My dear wolfie... I recognize your nick, mine is a new one for complicated reasons. It hurts me to hear you feel so rejected.

You're not alone. I have gone through what you've mentioned... the funk that you see is there but can't budge. Rationally seeing the irrational. I wish I knew why it happens. Our brains don't do things the way they should. I was there in that place last weekend. Right now I seem to be flying a bit.


It's good to know I'm not alone. It really doesn't make sense, but it does happen.


I will listen. I will be a friend if I can and if you will accept me as one. I will be online for a while longer tonight but then not on again until sometime on the weekend probably. I am away all day tomorrow.
I very much appreciate that, and of course I accept you. I accept people for who they are and anyone can be my friend as long as they want to be and act as a friend. You seem like a caring and decent person.


* I write out as much as I can. Journal if you can. It can be pretty eye-opening. I tried doing the whole journaling thing, but I couldn't figure out what I'm really depressed about. The best I could do was this thread.

* write down a list of the good things in your life and read it aloud, often. Very good idea. I made myself think about the good things in my life, but it only helped a little. Maybe writing it down and reading it aloud will help more (writing, reading, speaking and just thinking all use different parts of the brain)

* find a happy song you like and sing along - even if you don't feel like it That's a nifty idea! I always focus on sad songs when I'm depressed. I should try some happy ones.....though sometimes happy songs when I'm depressed just hurt to listen to.

* go out among people, being out of the house is good for you I did that today. My friend Matt came over just to take me around town for fun. We went and looked at a BMW motorcycle for sale at a friend's shop and went and talked to a friend at another store and petted his doggy (animals are WONDERFUL for me when I'm depressed) cinamin. It was really helpful. I'm glad I had energy enough that I could make myself go out. I haven't a lot in the last couple of weeks.

I don't have any arguement with meds or no meds. Do what you believe is best for you. It's too easy to tell someone else what they should or shouldn't do. We make choices and decide which things are worth what. There are times when the depression for me is worth the meds, other times not so much so.

No one should be claiming to be all knowing and telling anyone else what to do. When I see that it says to me that they are actually insecure about their own choices... ie. make you do something justifies what they do... make sense?Not a problem. I agree that everyone should make the decision they feel is best for them. It is up to the individual to make their own right choices and to learn for their mistakes. Yes, your last statement there makes perfect sense and is a valid psychological principle.



Can you do one thing for me? It's simple and oh so hard... can you please tell yourself that you are alive, and you are a good, strong person? There is a light in all of us and sometimes we lose track of it. Your light is still there.

namaste I will over and over when I'm done typing this. Thank you so much for your wonderful, caring, and well thought out response. You are a good person.

Namaste,

Daniel


P.S. Of course if you don't wish to you don't have to say, but out of curiousity......what was your former nick?

[bizi]

Dear Daniel,
I remember you from before as well.
Do you participate in any meditation?
This can be very helpful.....
I wonder if you can get out side and lay down and really feel the earth below you.
Walking barefoot helps me feel more grounded....are there things that were comforting to you in the past that you can fall upon now?
I wish that you felt better.
Yo Yo has given you some great advice....
I wish you well.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Pamster]

Hi Daniel,

I am somewhat new to the BP forum here on BT but I definitely don't have any pre-concieved notions about you and don't think you are a pariah or anything of the sort. I wish we could understand how to flip the switch off that goes on and won't switch off, but I haven't found a magic answer for it.

I do sometimes know I am being irrational about something but get no comfort about the subject even if I know it's irrational, that knowledge doesn't help me much.

I hope you feel better soon, glad to hear you got out and that you were near a doggy, that always cheers me up. I love animals too. If just writing on BT here in the BP forum helps you then keep on writing to us, and you can be sure that people will respond. :)

[zoso a.k.a Neil]

Hello ;I wish you well, i also remember your name from the old BT.I hope not to judge anyone-on here or in person.I try to live by a maxim i picked up when i did a counselling course some years ago.Carl Rodgers in his book "A way of being " talks about "Unconditional positive regaurd".
That is a big ask i know but just thinking about it and trying it out did wonders for me.
As bizi says meditation would be worth a go and that also helps me.But i know our circumstances are very different. A good meditation technique can be found in the works of The barefoot doctor."The return of the urban warrior" is a good one to start with.Published by thorsons and should be easy enough to find online.
He will also make you laugh-and that is priceless.
Remember you are not alone.PM me any time you like i will reply.
So may the best you ever hope for be the worst you ever see.
Love peace empathy
)))))))) Neil((((((((

[AncientWolf]

Thank you everyone for your beautiful, friendly and uplifting replies.


Yes, I meditate regularly as part of my daily routine. It sometimes does help with the seizures and the depression, but when I'm having a cluster of seizures over a few days or weeks my emotions get really wonky. Thankfully the cluster seems mostly over for now *knock on wood*.

I went to one of my favourite stores today and looked at some sterling silver Onyx rings that I might get one of for my middle finger. I have short stubby fingers from my Romany (Gypsy) heritage on my father's side so I needed to find one that's a 14 or 14&1/2. Not too easy to do. Thankfully my friend who owns the little shop had catalogs that had some.

Thank you all for being there and for your kind words. May you all have happiness in abundance.

Namaste,

Daniel

[lisa6wks]

Hi Daniel,
I don't really know you, but from what I have read that you have posted, you seem like a nice, thoughtful and gentle person. I get into those funks sometimes too. I told my husband, one day I can go to sleep and the next day, the same things that made me happy today can make me miserable tomorrow. So it truly doesn't seem to be connected to anything that is going on in my life. I think maybe it is all chemical, that something physical is going on in my brain making me imbalanced.

For me, the only thing that really helps is medication. But that is just my answer and not the answer for everyone else I am sure. I think my real point here is that there is no right or wrong or blame creating this depression, its just a simple biochemical force that I really can't do too much about.

I am sorry about the seizures, and I am sure having only 3 hours of sleep at a time is not helping your overall mood either. I hope the mood lifts soon.

Lisa

[highhatsize]

Dear Daniel,

Pariah? I think that this perception in purely the result of your depression.

Have you done Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectical Behavior Therapy? The structure and schedule of the groups is helpful and the therapy actually works sometimes. There really insn't any other therapy available for people who don't want to take meds.

Good luck!

[yoyo_girl]

you're very welcome daniel. :) Just take an opportunity to be kind to someone else when you have a chance and the thing just self perpetuates.:)

when i listen to happy songs I try to find stuff i would dance to.. just because that beat through my body makes me move when I otherwise wouldn't. i just got an mp3 player and it helps me get walking.

there is a lot to be said for mind-body practices... like yoga. There is always a beginner level that is easy enough for anyone.

Meditation can be a powerful tool... but take care ok? Meditation can allow one to stew on things. And stew we should, as we are able. If you are depressed and you meditate it might help to find a guide. By that I mean someone who can help you with meditation related issues... be that a therapist to help with things you stew about, or a meditation instructor to help you gain insight through the meditation practice. Don't stop meditating..

animals are a god-send. Maybe your friend would let you take the doggy to the park or something? Learning to practice kindness is probably best started with animals, they are so nonjudgemental.

go easy on yourself ok? You aren't responsible for feeling down, it's nothing you did. You aren't weird. It happens. Just recognize your limits and push them just a bit. Never move away from them altogether or your world will shrink. So, just be gentle with yourself and it will pass eventually.

namaste

[yoyo_girl]

AW.. how are you holding up?

[AncientWolf]

AW.. how are you holding up?


Thank you for asking, and thank you to everyone for your kind and caring words. I am doing alright. I still haven't completely lifted out of the funk, but it's not as bad as it was. Once the seizure cluster is done it'll all balance itself out I'm sure. I hope you are all well and have a wonderful weekend.


Namaste,

Daniel

[yoyo_girl]

thank you for returning the blessing Daniel. For others who haven't caught on, namaste is a sort of a blessing. It's a simple thing and yet I believe it sends out a little ripple of good into the world.

Thank you :):)

[bizi]

Namaste
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Namasté or Namaskar (नमस्ते [nʌmʌsˈteː] in Nepali and Hindi; from internal sandhi between namaḥ and te) is a South Asian greeting, which is used when both Hello and Bye, Bye would be used in English. The meaning is quite different, however.

Sanskrit na reflects a simple negation. Maḥ points to ego, referring "I" and "my". Thus namaḥ means "bow, obeisance, reverential salutation, adoration to your inner truth", but not next to your ego. Te is the dative of the personal pronoun tvam, "you". A literal translation of namaḥ te is thus "reverential salutation to your inner."




Uses
It is commonly accompanied by a slight bow made with the hands pressed together, palms touching, in front of the chest.

In a normal context this word is a respectful way of greeting someone. Generally done by younger (or in a hiearchy - underlings) to elders/higher-ups, although, the elders reply back in the same manner.

In a religious context this word can be taken to mean any of these:

The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you.
I greet that place where you and I are one.
I salute the Light of God in you.
I bow to the divine in you.
I recognize that within each of us is a place where Divinity dwells, and when we are in that place, we are One.
My higher energy salutes your higher energy.
The God in me sees and honors the god in you.
May the God within you, bless you
In other words, it recognizes the equality of all, and pays honor to the sacredness and interconnection of all, as well as to the source of that interconnection. Namaskar is the term for such greetings, and is also used as a greeting itself.

Origins
"Namaste" is sometimes used in the context of practicing Yoga as a greeting or goodbye, generally taken as an expression of good will. Namaste is sometimes misinterpreted as a greeting associated with Yoga only, but it is much more widely used than that in South Asia, particularly in greeting elders. Moreover, it is used throughout Asia, especially in the context of Buddhism or Buddhist cultures, even though it is known by different names in some languages.

Namaste is a Hindi word, and hence has widespread use in North India where Hindi and its dialects are the languages spoken. Gassho is the term used in Japanese contexts for the hand-gesture, and for the wider bowing, as a whole. In Chinese speaking places, the term 合十 (Mandarin: héshí; Cantonese: hahp- sahp-) is used. In Thailand, the gesture is known as wai (pronounced "why" with a rising tone).

In some parts of India (for example, Punjabi-speaking areas), Namaste is used only to greet Hindus. The proper greeting for Muslims and Sikhs being Assalamu Alaikum and Sat Sri Akaal respectively.

Gesture and symbolism

A sadhu performing namaste in Madurai, India.The gesture used when bowing in Namaste or Gassho is the bringing of both hands together, palms touching, in front of the person -- usually at the chest, or a higher level such as below the chin, below the nose, or above the head. This gesture is a mudra; a well-recognised symbolic hand position in eastern religions. One hand represents the higher, spiritual nature, while the other represents the worldly self. By combining the two, the person making the gesture is attempting to rise above his differences with others, and connect himself to the person he bows to. The bow is a symbolic bow of love and respect.


Esoteric connotation of the posture of joining palms
Particularly in Hinduism, when one worships or bows in reverence, the symbolism of the two palms touching is of great significance. It is the joining together of two extremities -- the feet of the Divine, with the head of the devotee. The right palm denotes the feet of the Divine and the left palm denotes the head of the devotee. The Divine feet constitute the ultimate solace for all sorrows -- this is a time-honoured thought that runs through the entire religious ethos.


Quotations
In Fady Bahig's novel The Journey of The Fool, Sri Bakashananda, a fictional guru, talks about the word saying that "It means that I salute the light of God that is in you. In fact, It means that the light of God in me salutes the light of God in you. But you know, there is no difference, for the light of God that is in me is the same as the light of God that is in you. And since salutations are made only between two separate entities, it is better for us not to speak of salutations at all. But to say that the light of God in us celebrates its presence in our hearts eternally."

Dōgen Zenji: "As long as there is true bowing, the Buddha Way will not deteriorate." In other words, as long as we can fully recognize the goodness of others, and can focus ourselves fully in paying homage to that, without any thoughts of self-interest or ulterior motives, but to pay our respects wholeheartedly, we are very close to the enlightened state of mind, which is the focus of Buddhist practice.

Dr. Marvin Candle: "Thank you, and namaste". Dr. Marvin Candle appears in the TV series Lost (season 2 - 2006) as presenter of the Hanso Foundation's orientation films and ends all his speeches with this sentence that has, thus, recently become very popular.

[AncientWolf]

thank you for returning the blessing Daniel. For others who haven't caught on, namaste is a sort of a blessing. It's a simple thing and yet I believe it sends out a little ripple of good into the world.

Thank you :):)


Yes, namaste essentially means "the light in me acknowledges and salutes the light in you." It is a beautiful compound Hindi word that is used both as a greeting and as a parting.
Namaste,

Daniel