9ys clean about to throw it away

[houghchrst]

Oh I am in such a miserable spot today. I am so close to using. The stress is weighing me down and crushing me and the situation is going to take a long time to fix. One of my worst fears has come true and I just want to escape for a little while before action is taken but then I would be a hypocrite.

Things keep coming back to back to back with no respite in between. I feel so beaten down. How does one escape for a couple of hours from something that is so all consuming. There is no way. Sleep. I already do too much of that. I could sleep all day.

First thought when the first craving hit was find a meeting but meetings was never my thing. Usually made me want to use more. Maybe I will look and see if there are any close by anyway.

[Buttons2]

Oh Christina, I wish I'd seen this hours ago! I hope you didn't do anything foolish. You can even join an AA forum on the internet,did you know that? Send me a PM if you want & vent away! ((((feel the hugs))))

[always hope]

let me tell you 9yrs. is tough no matter if pain or not. i had to pray all the time. U are here for me to find u. i'm new here and wondered about addicts on here and i found one hang on i'm 16 and there's nothing easy right now except working with others my goal and my faith. I'm glad your clean and sober and on here love to hear from u. always hope

[always hope]

I am praying for u. I have walked the long journey and love from spirit and people like me are my daily reprieve. I'm soooo glad to find someone in program on here. I pray u didnt use my heart cries for u. we are not strangers to pain . one minute at a time please contact me when u can i am new here and need some family. lots of love Renee

[joy]

Hi Renee, such a lovley name and I welcome you here wholeheartedly. I was looking to find more about you & that led me to this thread, I am so glad it did, already I see you as a wondeful addition to our group ;) Renee.

Christina, I know what you mean about meetings. My doctor suggested them for me when I was trying to deal with my kids when they were younger. I drew nothing much from the people there and for me it was a sorta mismatched set of how things wre handled. I could see that it helped some people but then, I was always the odd person anyway. What did help me was the books they used tho.


I later found you other message so will read all that now...just glad you told us.

[houghchrst]

Thank you all and Renee especially for the prayers. Did you say you were 16? We've met I believe in the Emotional Support Forum. Glad to see you here too.

You all should know that I have not used. I have no intention to. Just for some reason, stress most likely I have the craving. Fierce cravings. An urge to escape.

I know all the tricks, I have all the books, the support, the sites. I will use them. I am just so very mentally and emotionally tired. I just can't get a rest from this "life". There is no pause between for me to catch a mental rest and just be. I am exhausted. Thank you all for being here for me. I just get through moment to moment and try to remember to pause and enjoy the few seconds here and there.

Pati I think I just might check that site.

[Buttons2]

Do whatever it takes to hold on Christina. Write about it if that will help. Wish you had some way to just get away from all the stress you're under (rather than give in to drugs or alcohol that is!)You know in your heart that you'll be OK,it just might not be today or even tomorrow. I'm gonna say take it one hour at a time right now.

(((((((lots of hugs & prayers too))))))))

[batsinwonderland]

Hi Christina, I have 9 years too. Life still happens. What I have found is that if I accept life on lifes terms and have faith and hope, I dont have to run away from my feelings. My feelings wont kill me. It is the things I do to run from my feelings that kill me.
I have a 20 year old daughter who has a 9 1/2 month old baby girl. I had to kick my daughter, her boyfriend and (gasp!) my grandaughter out of my home because they are using! It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it was the right thing to do. My daughter is doing better now and is learning how to be responsible. I still see my grandaughter on a regular basis and she is well.
I have decided that I am going to stay clean NO MATTER WHAT. Nothing is worth me diving off a cliff back into active addiction. Sometimes all we can do for our loved ones is be a shining light of recovery. Let your light shine!:)