Hi...

[yoyo_girl]

Hi there. I hate to do this, but I feel safer being a little more anonymous. Some people here already know me. I needed to be able to talk about some things and I couldn't. So, this is the compromise.

So, I saw my T tonight. He is a really, really nice guy. I haven't been seeing him that long but already he has clued in on some very big issues. I have always felt that therapy is great, when you really want to *change* and not just shlep along. I have some real hope that he will get me there.

i have a confidence problem and my pdoc says I have symptoms which are similar to someone who has PTSD. It's all really complicated.

But he gave me some homework, and this is what prompted me to sign in this way...so I could feel free to do this. He said he wanted me to take the next day and spend some time giving myself credit for doing this... so, here goes..

:) this is a hard journey I have started on

:) by chosing to do this I am doing a brave thing

:) I am a stronger person than I give myself credit for

:) I have worked very hard already and it's a difficult task to face doing more


ok...gawd I feel stupid. :o It feels like that guy from SNL who would sit in front of the mirror and say "gosh darn it, people like me." :o

I am scared and excited all at once. There is something so nurturing about this guy that it makes me feel safe... and nearly makes me cry.

Thanks for listening guys... maybe the sad times will end someday for me.

[Pamster]

Confidence is a hard thing to muster at times. Especially if you're feeling sad or lonely. You didn't say much about the way you're feeling though, be it sadness, or deep dark depression. I have PSTD and I can tell you it's as hard to deal with as the BP II dx I also have. I was in a motorcycle accident and it used to be that I couldn't drive if I saw a motocycle. I would have to pull over and calm down. This is years ago when I was not taking any medication.

Now I can drive by them and I only have twinges of fear, nothing like the gut wrenching fear that something awful was about to happen like I used to get. If you've been through something traumatic I really empathize with you Perservering, I know how difficult even just admitting you need help with this kind of anxiety and panic that you might be feeling as a result of PSTD.

Do you find sadness, depression or panic/anxiety are troublesome for you or a combination of all three? If you need to talk about it we're all here and I am sure some of us can relate to where you're at and the feelings you're going through.

[yoyo_girl]

thanks pam.. I do have some depression and sadness right now, but it's anxiety driven. I am so terrified about specific issues that it gets me down. Sometimes I don't see any options and that gets me down too.

I have been through a LOT. The T asked me if I ever had any traumatic experiences that led to this, and I asked him to just pick one. Violence at home as a kid, date rape, a cheating manipulative partner, abandonment, surgery, vehicle accident.... I could go on.

I have to be very careful what I say here.

the issues I am dealing with, with the T, are so odd... they are so 180 degree from who I seem to be. My pdoc said he didn't think I had a full-blown case of PTSD, just symptoms similar to it... not quite sure exactly what that is supposed to mean. :confused

My T called and left a message... I see him through a free clinic. It took me several days to work up the nerve to ask him about whether there was a cap on the number of visits. He said he'd check into it and that was why he called. He said they try to cap it at around 10. I have already been in for 4!!!:eek

The thing is that now that we have found a thread which runs through most of my life... we have kind of taken the lid off a big can of worms. That is not something you can walk away from or fix quickly. Who knows what is at the root of this? Or what will have to happen to fix it?

That was the bad news.

The good news is that he also has a practice in a local hospital. That will mean free coverage as well. Right now though I don't know if I will be able to get in to see him there or not. He said we'd talk about it on Tuesday. I don't think I can wait until Tuesday... I am already in a massive panic.

I can't lose this guy... not now. I had a near immediate connection with him and I trust him. That is hard for me. And right now, with everything going on in my life, I can't be thinking and worrying about losing this support.

I am shaking.. I feel sick... I can't eat. How am I going to get through till Tuesday? This isn't like a private practice guy, or like it is in some places in the US....you can't just call them up whenever you feel the urge.

i don't know what to do. :(

[Mari]

I can't lose this guy... not now. I had a near immediate connection with him and I trust him. That is hard for me. And right now, with everything going on in my life, I can't be thinking and worrying about losing this support.

I am shaking.. I feel sick... I can't eat. How am I going to get through till Tuesday? This isn't like a private practice guy, or like it is in some places in the US....you can't just call them up whenever you feel the urge.

i don't know what to do. :(

Dear Yoyo,
Are you on meds you can take that calm you down?
Are you allowed by your pdoc to take a little extra?

Tuesday can feel like a long way off. Is this what is bothering you?

I'm sorry that I am lousy help. It seems that you are suffering from anxiety and truthfully the only way I know to deal with strong anxiety over the long term is to increase, decrease, or add a med.

There are techniques you can use like sleep, meditation, deep breathing, journaling, walking/exercise.
I am sorry that you are going through this.

The good news is really good news. I am glad that you found a great T.

Do you have anyone watching out for you right now?
Is there anyone you can hang out with for a few days? Will that help your anxiety level?

You don't have to answer any of the questions. I am just trying to find ideas for you.
I hope that you feel ok about traveling the road to better health.
Mari :)

[bizi]

welcome yo yo girl.
I am sorry that you are going through all of this added stress and would like to encourage you to keep posting your feelings here.
I would highly recommend starting a journal if at all possible, under lock and key if you feel the need....
start by writing...MY NAME IS YO YO GIRL...I am a ____ and ____......and go from there.
This can be a very useful tool and cathartic. YOu don't need to worry about grammer or anyone else reading it...if you want you could bring it in to your t-doc and share some if you want to. IT is like homework inbetween your visits too.
This way you don't have to be with your t to feel like you are achomplishing...
you are able to do this on your own as well.
He can guide you....you are the one doing the hard work for yourself.
I hope this makes sense and I don't want to offend you...
Therapy is hard work.
You can do this...I know you can ...look how hard you have been having to work trying to juggle all of this......
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[yoyo_girl]

Thanks Mari & Bizi!

taking meds to deal with anxiety is a good idea when the anxiety is just stress related or out of the blue, but if you are working on difficult issues in therapy then it's better to just try to deal with it somehow. you can't get to the other side of whatever it is if you don't stick it out. sux but it's true.

i kept a journal once before. it was really helpful, thanks bizi. i had to get rid of it though... wish i hadn't :( but i was always worried my family would read it someday and it would be hurtful for them. i wish i had just torn out pages or something instead,


you know what's weird is that I was sitting here typing a sort of journal. i kind of see being able to post here as a sort of journal as well.

i started to write an email to my T... without really planning to send it. That way I was able to say whatever I wanted and then I could edit it. I haven;t been able to send it because i can't load the page with his addy,,, seems like their server is down. either way it helped me work through the anxiety and what was causing it.

see, a long time ago i got a lot of help through a counsellor at work. But he was supposed to just help with stuff like adjustment, life issues like housing or finances... nothing big. I guess he saw me as a project or something... basically opened up a can of worms and left with with it. It took years to get over that.

i'm afraid this T will do the same... if this issue of the sessions doesn't get settled I am already screwed. I was so ready for this process that even in the few sessions we have had I have already found some sginificant facts... the process has already started.


you know? I think i may keep this post going as a sort of journal. Join in, I appreciate your help and feedback. :)

[Mari]

see, a long time ago i got a lot of help through a counsellor at work. But he was supposed to just help with stuff like adjustment, life issues like housing or finances... nothing big. I guess he saw me as a project or something... basically opened up a can of worms and left with with it. It took years to get over that.

i'm afraid this T will do the same... if this issue of the sessions doesn't get settled I am already screwed. I was so ready for this process that even in the few sessions we have had I have already found some sginificant facts... the process has already started.


Dear Yoyo,
That something happened in the past does not mean that it will happen this time. The therapist is a different person and you are in a different place. That you made so much progress so far is a good sign.

I can understand the frustration of wishing that the therapist would get to the bottom of it already. Some weeks my therapist seems to make progress. Then when I get home I feel like we did not make enough progress and I want to get back to her and tell her to get to the finish.....not sure if that made sense.

I've seen lots of studies that say that writing out your thoughts helps with depression. (And it prob works for other moods to some extent too.) If writing is working for you, then that is great. You found a self-coping mechanism. ;)

Mari

[yoyo_girl]

i have issues with feeling like there is an end to this. i have had so many crappy experiences with guys, having this guy be nice to me (throw in encouraging, supportive and he makes me laugh) thinking about it not being there is like thinking about a divorce on your 3rd date.

i have some major fear issues that need to be addressed... the panic i am in right now is just a sign of that.

i didn't know you saw a therapist mari. how long have you..."been together?" :D

sorry....forgot, yours is a woman. I wonder why some people do better with women and others with men. I didn't ask for a preference..but I do better with male T's

[Mari]

i didn't know you saw a therapist mari. how long have you..."been together?" :D

sorry....forgot, yours is a woman. I wonder why some people do better with women and others with men. I didn't ask for a preference..but I do better with male T's
Hi,
My therapist and I have been together about a year --but it is off and on. I see her for like two months (sometimes once and week and sometimes every other week) and then take off for three because I get busy with work and stuff.

When I was younger I prefered male therapists... Not exactly sure why. But I cut men more slack for being annoying then I do woman. When I woman acts dense or whatever I get furious. But maybe I have mellowed.

Also, this therapist came highly reccommended and she uses hyponosis as part of her therapy. She is about 20 years older than I. I think that that helps. Last year I saw some one younger than I (I'm mid 40s) twice and really really couldn't take her. But in her case, it was not only age/experience working against her. She was mean and stupid. And she overcharged me. I still haven't gotten around to calling the office to get my money back. That happened in Jan and I have no idea where my paper work is. I don't even have the phone number of that horrible office.

Ok. Enough about me.


Mari

[yoyo_girl]

yeah, i understand about bad therapists. I once had the therapist-that-wasn't. (see an earlier post). It really f***ed me up bad. He helped me open a bunch of issues, then didn't have the skills to help me work through them. I didn't understand from a hole in the ground what was happening or what he was not doing to help me. I am angry and hurt about it, but he was well-meaning and I became so very attached to him. So, I still can't bring myself to really see it as his fault. I suck. :(

Well, I wrote and wrote and then I walked and walked and walked. It's good to help me think, but it's a bad thing when it gets out of hand... like last night. I was headed skyward. Didn't want to go to bed, didn't feel I needed to sleep, racing thoughts, inability to focus...blah blah blah.;) I am hoping it's a stress thing and not a trend. I know what to do if it is, but it kills me to think about it being one. I do not need that right now, and I am trying to make a break-through psychologically... extra meds will prevent that.

I think my not wanting a female therapist comes in part to crappy interactions with them. One got pissed off when I wanted to know her stance on issues that mattered to me. ANd you're right Mari, I get impatient with them. I find they are of two groups: Barney or ice-queen. I can't deal with mambie-pambie people, or ice-queens. Maybe I'm a freak.

Any way... I decided I couldn't be sure about the email addy... he didn't give it to me, I found it on the hospital webpage. Maybe it's another doc...he has a name that could easily be common. So I called and the voice on the machine was definitely him. I told him I needed to be sure I could continue with *him.* Things are unravelling for me in other ways right now and I can't deal with worrying about that.

It took a lot of nerve for me to make that call... and now I am sweating bullets waiting for him to return my call with an answer. I am concerned he'll think I'm more than he can take on...after all he did just take me on through a clinic which doesn't do long term and he isn't even there all the time. I am betting he does this as a giving back to the community thing. God knows whether he will want to deal with me in any longer term sort of scenario.

I am afraid. Do you guys think my call was a reasonable thing to do/say?

[Bdix30]

I think that the call was reasonable. In my humble opinion, even if it wasn't "reasonable" it was necessary! In order for a T to be affective they need to understand the entire picture. This call will help him see where you are at and assist him in forming a gameplan to help you.

He can either deal with it or not, but at least there will be no question now! Good job on that call! I think it was a great idea.

[Pamster]

Hi yoyo_girl,

I am sorry you're having so much anxiety, I don't have much to offer in the way of advice that wasn't already mentioned. I definitely think exercise helps, I know I always feel better when I've been exercising for a couple of weeks, but that's the drawback, it takes a while before that good feeling kicks in. I know what you mean about clicking with a T. I felt likt that with two separate Counselors, but they've moved out of state.

I am lucky I haven't had any episodes of major concern since there isn't anyone now I could go see, but I have a new friend and she's just great to talk with, and so is my mom. I don't feel like I am in the same dark sad place I used to exist in back when I really needed counseling. My regular GP prescribes my abilify and I get my other meds from a pain management doctor. I do well on abilify and wellbutrin along with elavil.

That combination works good for me to help control pain, cravings for smoking which I gave up in October of last year and with depression. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better, I know what it's like to have major anxiety and that horrible feeling of like constant adrenaline is so hard on your system. The pit of your tummy just feels like it dropped out on you and you feel all shakey. I hope that you can continue seeing this T, I know I really got a lot out of counseling when I was actively in it.

Best wishes to you. :)

[yoyo_girl]

Thanks bdix... i believe it was the right thing to do now as well. I was afraid i was overstepping. One thing I have been forcing myself to do is act on the principle I believe are right anyway. One of those is that you should just be direct and ask for what your need or want. So I did. It was so hard!! I thought I was going to throw up.

anyway, he called back and was completely ok with me calling. we talked about scheduling, and continuing and he said he couldn't give me acomplete answer right away. He had to look into what would need to happen in terms of a referral to where he is.

But since the anxiety ball was rolling I asked if he felt like he had bitten off more than he wanted to chew by seeing me, and he said "absolutely not." (yay!)

I told him briefly about that former non-therapist and how i got left holding the bag. I told him that I have a very hard time letting my guard down but that I felt comfortable with him. I said directly that i felt like the process had started for me and i didn't want to start over with someone else.

i was very direct...

he was ok with it all. i told him i hated feeling needy like this.

i asked if this was reasonable to ask... and he said that when it came to my wel being there were no unreasonable questions.

Pamster,

you are lucky to not be in need of that right now. I don't remember how old your son is, but he has a dx of something... you may need to think future in his case. Kids with a dx will probably need some extra help.

I have friends to talk to... but this is different. It's even different from the counselling I had planned on getting... serious, deep therapy basically means tearing down who I am...or think I am... and rebuilding. There are many different kinds of therapy. The sort i feel i need right now is jungian. That means really diggin around in my head and trying to find out *why* i do/feel what i do. Then you examine it and try to take away it's power over you and retrain yourself.

it's a scary and difficult process. It's something you simply cannot do unless you are in the right place... you have to be highly motivated to change or you will run away from the scary feelings.

not meaning to belittle your experience, not at all. I just got the sense that maybe you didn't quite know what therapy was about, at least in my case.

that is why i am scared. i am scared he will leave me hanging like that other guy did. it messed me up for years.

[Pamster]

Definitely haven't been through that kind of deep therapy myself yoyo_girl, wow, it really sounds like a rocky process. I had no idea it went quite so deep and that is definitely nothing like what' I've been through. :confused:

I'm sorry if you got left halfway through the process before, I really hope this T helps you like the other man wasn't able to. It sounds like h e's prepared to do whatever it takes to hel you and that is great. You have my deepest wishes for success with this yoyo_girl. You're not alone and if you need people to talk to we're here to listen as well as to talk about our own experiences. :o

My son is autistic (10 yrs old) and because I saw it mentioned here I got a copy of The Bipolar Child to read just to see if I see not only him in it but also myself. :eek:

[yoyo_girl]

gosh pamsterette... autism is so heart breaking. Poor little guy. HAve faith, they have made so much progress in that area.

your experiences are as valid as mine, or anyone else's. I don't mean to say you had therapy lite or something. I mean, whether you eat from the surface of a tomato or all the way from the middle, you're still eating tomato.. get it? We do what we can as we can and when we need to. This just happens to be my time I guess.

[Ponygirl]

{{{{{{Yo-yo girl}}}}}}

[yoyo_girl]

thank you.:):)

i have to keep telling myself that everything will be ok. The old cliche about anything that doesn't kill me will only make me stronger isn't quite complete...

Anything that doesn't kill me, may lead to really, really sucky times and could, if I embrace it, make me stronger

:D

I feel stronger already.

I don't feel hypo anymore. I was right, just stress. I'm operating at slightly below an optimal level. Just as long as I don't sink into the pit. Life can be very hard.

[Pamster]

gosh pamsterette... autism is so heart breaking. Poor little guy. HAve faith, they have made so much progress in that area.

He's come a long way with a lot of therapy/early intervention and with the help of the school system. He's talking lot more and his teacher said he's the highest functioning child in her class, but he's in a special school so I have no idea where the other kids are in terms of functionality or how many have autism.

your experiences are as valid as mine, or anyone else's. I don't mean to say you had therapy lite or something. I mean, whether you eat from the surface of a tomato or all the way from the middle, you're still eating tomato.. get it? We do what we can as we can and when we need to. This just happens to be my time I guess.

I am so glad you weren't offended...I was really worried I might have said the wrong things and offended you yoyo_girl. I definitely get the tomato analogy, thanks for helping this old gal to get her head around it better. :)

[yoyo_girl]

no worries. i don't offend easily. today is kind of rough now. i hope i don't sink too low.

[yoyo_girl]

well life has taken a bad turn. :(:(

i just discovered that I am about to take a nose dive money-wise. i have no idea what i am going to do and I am already sliding into depression. Yes sir, nothing like depression to get you moving and making money right? :(

[waves]

Yes sir, nothing like depression to get you moving and making money right? :(Oh boy do i know what you mean. do i ever. dig your nails in girl... don't slide in that tarpit. grab roots gravel grit...

we gotta do it, somehow. my parents just told me they started out with 30 pounds sterling each. Thirty pounds would buy 6 Reach :D toothbrushes in London nowadays. Teeth aside, it was a twist in my thoughts, because, here they are, and they are fed and sheltered... harmonious in their cacophony, somehow. they made it somehow. let us make it too, somehow.

GOOD STRONG hugs and a GOOD, STRONG length of rope tied to a Sequoia to hang on to. hopefully you won't need it but always best bring the proverbial umbrella ... and a towel. always a towel.

lavender dreams

~ waves ~ from across the ocean

[yoyo_girl]

*Sigh :(:(:(

what a fudge of a day. I have gone through one cycle now... great.:rolleyes:

there is so much complicated stuff happening. It seems like no matter what I do I find myself stuck without options.

i see my T tomorrow. I went to talk to a mental health worker today... she works at a drop in center. She doesn't advise or anything, she just listens and helps me find resources. She has known me for a long time. I told her i was having a melt down. I don't cry easily...not in public but it was all I could do not to break down. I am a baskett case.

waves... you silly knicker... why a towel?

[yoyo_girl]

I am so f****ed. Oh boy. I saw my T tonight and he broke the bad news... the clinic has a cap on how long he can see me, and, even worse, the hospital he is with regularly said he can't take me on there. :(:(:(

I want to scream... cry... die. I don't know what to do with myself. I am not suicidal but I can't begin to explain just how desperate I feel.

we talked about why i felt it was so important, what happened before and what we should do now. He had some very strong reservations as to what we should try to deal with in our sessions. He very much doesn't want to reopen traumatic things and then leave me hanging like the other guy did. So, how do you proceed with therapy without looking at past traumatic events?

he is worried that he will retraumatize me... he seemed unsure of just how we could move forward without opening a can of worms... I told him it was kind of too late for that for me.

i don't know.. I told him that I needed to deal with what happened with the other guy, how that affected me, and I need to seriously look at the confidence issue. When he asked me about how i thought we would do those things safely, I told him that I don't need to spend a lot of time trying to figure out or remember scary events from my past... been there. I can read them like I read a newspaper... very dettached really. For example, I know that an incident that happned to me in my teens was very traumatic... I already know that. I don't think that it would be very productive for me to spend my time now going over that incident. He needs to know it's there, but what I said was that I need to deal with how that incident affected my confidence... just as an example. He said he understood, that many people would need to "purge" themselves from an incident like mine... to which I said that I had done that. I have too, more or less. I don't need to tell someone through flowing tears just how that incident took place, I don't need to confess to someone that it happened. WHat I need is to address how it is that it is still making me make certan choices.

i feel sick. what i wanted...what i needed was to have consistency. I connected with *him.* That is no easy feat for me. It wasn't planned at all.

with all the things going on in my life, I needed that anchor.

now, he says we can continue well after xmas... and he says they might be willing to extend the cap. He said he thought that maybe i was more self sufficient than I think, so maybe I won't need a T by the time our sessions run out.

all i can say is holy F!

i am in a panic. i am in a vulnerable place. what i needed more than anything was for there not to be a number on the sessions... it didn't matter if we were done in 9 sessions... what mattered was that there wasn't a limit of 10. Make sense? Knowing there is an end point will freak me out and make it hard for me to open up.

I told him that i would no be able to be as open.

most people never meet *me.* Most people meet the "show" - the person i am for everyone else. He got to meet *me.* I told him that I deliberately came in there as me... because I needed to not be guarded.

all i want now is to learn how to fully be me, and to feel good about myself. What I show people here is more like the real me, with a little more hestitation thrown in to observe the rules.

you see... i don't like myself very much. In fact, I think I am near worthless. I see myself as unattractive. I feel like no one would ever want to be around me or love me if they got to know the real me... and so i show them "the show" so much that it's almost impossible for me to be me with anyone but a select few. I see myself as stupid even though I know I am intelligent. I feel like most people dislike or hate me. I see myself as not being nice enough ro good enough to be accepted by anyone.

that is what i need help with.

what am i going to do now?

[bizi]

Oh I really feel for you.
I want you to be ok with yourself....this takes time to relearn....
Please continue to write here...we will be here for you. PM anytime you want and know that I care for you.
Please forgive me if what I have to say.....
girl, this is not something that you can "deal " within a few sessions.
I tell you this because I have dealt with low self esteem for a long time.
Right now you are in a panic mode....these are also abandonment issues.
Your immediate situation is not the foundation that you need.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
Please know that I care about you.
Something that I want to say to you...is that I think that the reason you had an instant connection with this T is that you are ready to improve your life. You are ready to change...you can't keep stuffing a 5 pound bag with 10 pounds of sift......Perhaps you could only continue seeing him on a monthly basis...that way you can stretch it out. Baby steps...this way you will also have time to work on things at home too.
Change is hard.
Let me know how I can help....
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[yoyo_girl]

oh bizi..:(...where did you go? I sent you a PM... please answer? I feel so broken.

[bizi]

come to flash chat under quick links at the blue bar on the right side...see it?

[Mari]

Hi Yoyogirl,
One way to see this as postive is that you did open up to this therapist. He was able to reach you.
Maybe what is going on has not much to do with him and everything to do with you.

In other words, you might be able to make all this progress you want with any other decent therapist because you are at the right place right now.

I like bizi's idea to space out the visits a little bit. Maybe once a month or once every two or three weeks.

That way you could still be seeing him in March/April. Get out a calendar and take a look at whether this could work for you.
Mari

[yoyo_girl]

today is no better really. I took some halcion to sleep and that helped make sure i didn't fly off into outter space. i sat and wrote and re-wrote letters to him until i went to bed. I know it's overstepping the bounds to email or call him about issues which should be addressed in a session. Remember, this isn't a private practice T in the US. This is a guy in the public system and I see him gratis.

I sent him an email anyway... just asking if it was ok to ask him a question. He just replied and said "no." He was nicer than that about it but he said he can't correspond with me via email. I can understand that. As much as I wish he could just talk to me as much as I wanted, I know that isn't healthy either, much less how much of a drain it would be on him.

I am afraid that I have scared him away... he can't take me on long term and now I am afraid I have caused him concern enough that he will back away from me.

this is the gist of what I was writing... this is not what I sent to him...

I think my focus on X (that other guy) is a way to scare you off and stop you from asking me any hard questions. I think being afraid of losing this connection is a way to shift my focus away from accomplishing anything which feels uncomfortable. Afterall, if you become concerned about "retraumatizing" me, you'll back down right?

Being in an atmosphere which reminds me of that time is scary, but I am thinking it's not as central as I'd like to believe.

I want to change whatever it is about me that makes me feel so afraid. Whatever it is that makes me back down, make bad choices and run from things which challenge me to be me.

I hate anxiety. It is never useful. How the **** am I supposed to function like this?? :confused:

I know I am bigger than this. I know I am stronger than this. Please god.. please tell me that I am.

I want to stop worrying about what he thought or thinks of what I said. I want to stop feeling like such a failure. I want to stop beating myself up.

I want to be able to see clearly, not hide one problem within another.

I want the pain to stop. :(

[waves]

Your anguish is dizzying. I am at a loss for what to say...

Interesting previous responses - about your readiness, and diluting the session frequency.

I hate that time limit thing... it is like, hurry up and fix yourself. but public resource, i guess.

i wonder if you can use at least some remaining sessions with him, to talk about what you wrote in your email. because i think it is important to sort out, with him - his concerns with re-traumatizing you. Essentially, and whether you have really 'scared him off' because this is a perception of a darkling mind... and i think clearing these things up is a good step towards starting with another therapist. because it sounds like that is going to happen.

when you write emails like that. print them, put them together, and bring them to your next session.

i wrote a lot in the end when really i just wanted to send you lots of hugs and tell you that i think you are a sweet sweet person, and i really want you to stick around, to feel well, to feel better. to listen, to help you feel better if i can. please continue to share and vent with us.

lots of huggGGGGS

~ waves ~ from across the wire

[waves]

According to "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (by the late Douglas Adams) an intergalactic traveller should always, always...

bring a towel.

:p

even in my humble, intercontinental travels, i have found this advice immmmmmmeasurably valuable. i even kept a towel in the car... even going to the corner store! I tell you... you wouldn't believe the quirky times i've strangely needed a towel - and had one. It doesn't work like umbrellas at all. It's a LOOPHOLE in Murphy's Law's!!!

~ waves ~ hoping to bring you a smile

p.s. No, oil rags don't count.

[yoyo_girl]

waves you are a doll. :) You know it startles me a little when someone says something nice about me... then I realize that you are meeting me in a virtual space. It's not really real.

why is it that other people can think or say nice things to me but I see myself as such a hateful thing?

i have to stop this nightmare or i am headed for a trp to the hospital. To that end I have taken ativan... nothing. I have taken risperdal.... nothing yet. Oh boy. I am a rocket aren't i? I am now embarking on a flask of vodka. Go team.

[yoyo_girl]

now see. THAT is what I am talking about baby... vodka. Oh yeah. my therapist may leave me but vodka will always be my friend.

maybe i should call him up while i am drunk.... KIDDING.

if i could fly away... little bird flying away... there's a cloud of birds moving in the sky...

make me a bird

make me fly away

make me stop this

[bizi]

hugs to you yo yo girl,
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Bdix30]

Eep, I'm late!
Everyone's pretty much covered everything - just wanted to throw you a virtual hug and remind you that the holidays will soon be over. (think that could be adding to this?)
Check in today.

[yoyo_girl]

holidays?? Oh right, you guys are having thanksgiving right about now. We do thanksgiving in early October and it isn't a big deal at all. Xmas is the big big family holiday here and it's just starting. So, no, I am sure it's not that.

i am still a mess. i had a chat with the director of the mental health unit here.. he has known me for a while... knows the situation. He says i just need to go in next time and tell my T that my thinking is just a mess right now... and it has been that way based on one, and only one, factor which has changed lately. He says that I am just spinning myself into a downward spiral and that I will get sick if I don't stop. He's right.

i am so scared of eveyrthing right now. I have so many practical issues that I don't know how to solve. How am I going to survive? I'm in a bad place financially. No credit except bad credit. No money. No job. How can I do this?

please guys... please talk to me anyway, even if stuff has already been said. I am so scared and alone.

[Mari]

Dear Yoyo,
You're right. I've got no pearls of wisdom.
But I am here.

The pratical issues you mention have an amazing way of working themselves out when you get the mood settled.
Can you see the therapist more often?

I'm sorry that you are scared. Can you get some med changes?

Keep posting and keeping hoping that things will get better.
Mari

[yoyo_girl]

gosh mari... i don't even know at this point whether i will get to continue at all with the T. I wish I could see him every week for as long as i need that. He is away next week and so it will be two weeks before i see him again.

i took some ativan and decided to go out for a while. I went to meet some new friends. It was good for me. Took my mind off things.

I got kind of distraught before that because I was trying to accomplish some difficult and scary tasks. No, I cannot avoid them or even set them aside. Bascially I will be homeless if i don't deal with them now. It's overwhelming and scary as ****. I am not good at the sorts of things I need to do right now. Not good at all.

This whole past month has brought up so much for me. The bad former non-T, past issues, my eating disorder issues (past), relationships, financial... along with changing everything about my daily circumstances.

I feel like I am living in one of those souveniers that you shake up and let the snow settle... everything is a jumble and I can't "see" what is happening around me.

SOmetimes I get moments of clarity and everything isn't so scary. But in those times I am usually wound up enough that I am not able to grasp the very real hurdles I have to overcome. Being a little fearless is good, but I still need to understand what I am going to do about the financial problems.

I am hoping against hope that this T will find a way that I can continue with him. I need that anchor, and that cheering section. He has helped me fell stronger and better about myself than I have felt in several years.

[bizi]

Dear yo yo girl,
let me tell you that I am proud of you for doing what had to be done.
You needed to honest with yourself and other and that was very brave on your part.
I think you are a very strong person for doing this.
It is very hard to make changes and very scarey when you are looking at major ones.
Perhaps the mental health clinic supervisor can help you just sort out the practical issues of what you are dealing with...job, money, living arrangements...etc.
As long as you can see someone...they could help YOU figure out a plan.
This is really not the time to do any jungian therapy.
You are just too fragil and vulnerable at this time.
IMO
The meds are important to help control your mind so that it doesn't continue on this negative head talk.
You are a wonderful woman and I know this!
You are real to us.
Have you ever considered an out patient day therapy?
THis is where you would be treated at a clinic during the day..intense therapy and then still go home at night.
Do they have such a place there?
I am worried about your slipping further into a dark hole and not finding your way out.

keep writing to us, know that it is safe to write whatever here...and know that I care about you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[bizi]

How did it go today?
(((HUGS)))
bizi

[yoyo_girl]

i sat an chatted with a friend yesterday, a male friend and just a friend. He has really bad depression that has reoccurred... I am afraid for him. :( He wasn't suicidal right then, but he says that he spends a lot of time feeling it's the only answer. :( He is such a sweet guy. I wanted him to know I understood, so I shared some stuff with him too. When he got the whole picture of what is going on in my life and has been for months... he was upset for me.. he said "...JHC! you're living a f-ing nightmare!..."

so last night I got drunk... not just heehee but s***faced. No worries.. i don't do that much. I needed to cut loose. It actually cleared my head in the end. It wore down the hypermotor.

Today I had yet another reality check. Some of those hurdles I mentioned earlier. I don't have any solutions :confused: I honest to god don't know what i am going to do. I don't have any resources.

That supervisor can't do anything for me re: a plan. He has suggested assistance, but it wouldn't be near enough... like not even close.

no bizi... there are programs that i think might be like you're talking about, but i don't qualify for those. Besides, with the exception of the current T I have, my experience with the public service T's is yucko. One bad thing is that mental health NEVER receives enough funding and the quality and time allotted is pretty sad. I had never encountered an insightful T in the public system. The whole mental health system is sad if you aren't just drooling and completely nonfunctional. There aren't enough resources to go around and if you are able to dress yourself then you're SOL.

and yes, i know you feel i am too dependent on this T... you're right too... but it's not an option to change that right now. There is so much changing... so very much. I need this to be the same. I have found one hole in the system that i am hoping he will help me fit through. I am facing a huge loss in my life, to face losing the T would be the same as facing that loss...and just having the loss is all i can stand, if that. I am not capable of facing it yet. If I want to end up as an inpatient, that would be the way for it to happen. I will face it eventually but now is not the time. I am faaaar to vulnerable and weak for that. Some things have to occur, and they take time, before I am strong enough again to take that on. In a very real way, holding on to the T is a way to avoid having that loss happen in one large mentally crushing way.

i am no longer feeling fascinated by my T. I don't feel "caught up" in him at all. That is one thing my adventure last night helped with. It was a forced overload to my brain... and a restart. I feel very raw and yes, vulnerable. I had become so up that I wasn't feeling the pain...just the anxiety and anguish. Now I feel it. I can cry again.. I wasn't able to before.

[bizi]

Oh I feel for you my dear......
thank you for sharing this with us....I am glad that you have a friend...sounds like you can help to support each other.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

[yoyo_girl]

well, yes and no. We have shared some very personal information, but we aren't very close. We rarely see each other. I had contacted him because there was just something in his face when I saw him last that made me feel like he was hiding his depression again. I don't think he can offer any support for me and I can't take on supporting someone else right now.

i can't talk about the stuff that is happening right now... i'm too much of a wreck. I am sobbing too much. maybe i can post later.

love you guys.

[waves]

Hi Yoyo,

just catching up here, my goodness...

hard time wrapping my mind around everything but my heart managed... i got some elastan (what they use to may lycra) and i managed! so you're tucked tight in my heart, right along with all the heavy baggage. hope i can lift the odd burden for you... i wish i could hire a porter and stick him in there too, so he could carry you and everything else.

well that started out empathic and i went off on one. well.... you are not alone, one, and waves is is a wacky mood, two.

one day at a time, one minute at a time. did someone mention financial counseling? they used to advertise that free... i dunno. i do hope that loophole lets you keep your T until you can get through the existing upheaval.

hold yourself. seriously. wrap your arms around yourself. try it. it helps with physical comfort - especially when crying. i'm glad you are able to cry though i know it is literally gut wrenching it is worse when we are "stuck."

hugs

~ waves ~

[bizi]

I also want to leave a hotline number for you to call if you would like
to talk to someone in person. 1-800-273-TALK.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[yoyo_girl]

life is very hard. very confusing. i don't have the words. i am not doing well physically or mentally. i see my t tomorrow and my pdoc thursday.

oh bizi... that attitude you congratulated me on in a pm... it vanished. it all seemed so clear... then it got fuzzy... now it is gone. i don't know what to believe or believe in anymore. i can't seem to rely on what i think...or what feels like it's true.

before me i see a great sadness. i see no alternatives which lead to any kind of happiness. i feel more and more alone. did you know that there isn't anyone in my life who physically touches me in any way? not even a hand on my shoulder.

there is something wrong with me that makes people not want me.

[bizi]

this makes me very sad for you....
Know that I would give you a big hug if I could....
Put your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug...would you do that for me?
(((((((((HUG))))))))
bizi

[bizi]

Dear Yo Yo girl,
I just thought of a way to get something very good for your body.
A massage.
there is a school here in town that teaches the therapist...wonder if you have such a school in your area or close by.
they only cost $25 dollars for an hour session and totally worth it.
Or even a pedicure...at a beautiy school. it might cost $10 but they will rub your feet and massage them as well...it feels so good.
Again I am sorry that you don't have someone in your immediate surroundings to show you they care.
know that others do care for you...
I care for you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Mari]

Dear Yoyo,
When I am sick, the best thing I can do is go exercise.

Can you do this? Do you have a place to walk? Run? Exercise DVDs?



I like Bizi's idea about getting a massage or a pedicure.

Mari

[Mari]

Dear Yoyo,
I hope your visit to the tdoc helps.
mari

[yoyo_girl]

mari, i can't do much by the way of exercise... i am limited physically. I was walking more but my back is bad again and I can't do any of that... even swimming can cause me problems because of the repetitive motion. thanks for suggesting it.

bizi, i can't... i can't stand being touched by strangers. It makes me scared to death. thanks anyway

[Mari]

mari, i can't do much by the way of exercise... i am limited physically. I was walking more but my back is bad again and I can't do any of that... even swimming can cause me problems because of the repetitive motion. thanks for suggesting it.

bizi, i can't... i can't stand being touched by strangers. It makes me scared to death. thanks anyway

Dear Yoyo,
Sorry about the pain you are in.
Can you do some kind of self-care? Do you have things that you can do to calm yourself down?

Mari