When there is no light at the end of the tunnel...

[CPchick]

And if there is, it's an oncoming train.

Ugh. I know it's Christmas and everything, but this time of year really depresses me. I should be happy, it is summer after all, but I almost wish school would start again. I have no friends to do things with. The only one that may want to hang out with me is working all holidays, and then going away on holiday. The only friends I have, are ones living across the world in the US and the like, that I spend all day talking to online.

It makes me sad that all my peers are enjoying their summer break, while I sit here in front of a screen. It makes me sad that I have no friends to spend time with. It depresses me that Christmas feels like just another day to me this year. All my Christmas spirit is gone, and I feel like such a scrooge.

I just want to be accepted as a normal teenager. I want to go parties, and get drunk, and do everything my peers do. And you know what's even more sad? After the holidays, when someone at school asks me what I did, I'll lie and make up some story about how great my holidays were, because I don't want them to know what a loser I am.

I make myself feel sick inside, acting so positive all the time. I amaze myself at how good I am at acting like everything is OK. When someone asks me if I'm ever depressed, I lie and say 'Ah you know, sometimes life gets you down, but not really' and then they call me an inspiration, and I feel sick inside, because I know it's just an act and that I'm not really an inspiration.

And then I have this niggling paranoia. This paranoia where I think that everyone is thinking the worst of me. I see someone in the mall smiling at me, and I think to myself 'Wow. She's just smiling at me because she feels sorry for me.' or at school, people have said some really nasty things, like 'We don't associate with retards.' and 'Get that f**king handicap out of here.' and even though some of that happened years ago, it still affects me, and now I automatically think 'Well, if people have the guts to say those things to me, imagine what they're thinking.'

Ah. I just can't wait for next year to be over. I'll never have to go back to high school again, and hopefully university will be a fresh start with new people, or maybe I'll forever be an outcast, but I just can't wait to get away...

Thanks for 'listening'. I needed to get that off my chest. Merry Christmas!

[grace]

Sweet girl, I'm glad you were honest to share that with us. hope it helps some. are you going to be okay? I believe so...consider these rough patches along the way where the sun is hidden by the clouds. we have to believe that things will be better. We all (here anyway) get discouraged and exhausted by things we face. We all ( I believe) get tired of trying to be a friend to others all the time and then not feel like the friend is there when we are down and need someone. why push? yet, if we ask, they are friends, just got preoccupied with life. forgetting to think beyond themselves for a moment in history. are there no summer programs you could get involved in? My kids have 3 weeks off school and I know they'll be bored silly and I wish I knew what to do with them. of course, if money were no issue... we'd all be laughing then. anyway, I sincerely hope the sun shines soon. Lucinda

[AnnMarie]

Merry Christmas my cyber friend...You know what? I share some of your feelings for my Amanda--she is in a program at our high school too. Yes, there are peers that work with her, and are friendly with her, but she does not participate in extra activities with them or go to many school functions. My biggest wish for her at times is for a somewhat normal teenage life--and it hurts deeply when I see her peers hanging out, going to dances, shopping etc.. I think to myself, "real fun, she has to hang out with her parents again"But when I look at her sweet innocent face and see the joy she has in the simple things in life that she does, then I can accept the things she can't do. There are groups that assist those with disabilities to travel, socialize and be involved within the community. Check it out--if the opportunity isn't there this year, then perhaps it will be at the university. When I was in highschool (a long, long time ago) I had two friends with CP--although we went our own separate ways after high school, we still kept in touch...seeing each other at reunions or when at functions among other friends. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Blessed New Year. AnnMarie

P.S. I wish it was summer here!!!! ;)

[LIZARD]

Wow, this makes me cry! :( I'm so sorry...(((((((Erin)))))))). :(

Reading this made me feel like I was reading a page out of my own teenage history. I was a very lonely kid in junior high, and I think high school would have been awful, too, if I hadn't been to such a big school and met other people who felt the same way I did. We weren't the nerds, geeks, cheerleaders, athletes, or druggies :D, and we actually called ourselves "The Others." :) Prior to going to that school, I was so isolated and socially awkward that making friends was extremely difficult. In seventh grade, it was impossible. :( I didn't have a single friend in school, and that summer, when I had emergency shunt surgery, I insisted I was NOT returning to the hell hole I called school. I went to a private school the following year and made friends more easily, but I still had so much awkwardness and insecurity that it wouldn't be until the end of COLLEGE that I started to learn to say the hell with anyone who couldn't accept me...and lo and behold, I started making friends!

I know it's impossible when you're a kid to close your ears to all the comments, insults, and threats, and all the bull they taught us growing up about "sticks and stones" sure doesn't help.

I don't really have advice other than to hang in. I don't have the same dx or physical issues, but I do know what it's like to be a target and feel like no one cares. Please know that we're all here for you. :)

*hug *hug *hug *hug *hug

LIZARD :)

[lacyndarella]

I wish I had some sage words of wisdom. I think Liz touched on it some. She said:

I still had so much awkwardness and insecurity that it wouldn't be until the end of COLLEGE that I started to learn to say the hell with anyone who couldn't accept me...and lo and behold, I started making friends!


That's the thing: You have to get past wondering what they are thinking and assuming the worst and think that it doesn't matter if they like you or not; you like you. When that happens, you'll make true blue friends that last a lifetime. Liz conquered all her fear and walked up to a complete stranger...a friend of a friend, grabbed her by the arm, and said, "I'm taking you to lunch." Honestly, you could have knocked me over with a feather. And truth be known, I had just been invited to lunch by the beautiful Jeff Capurso and was pretty much dragged by that same Liz. Now 20 years later, I doubt Jeff Capurso is so beautiful, but Liz...well, she's my darling best friend and always will be. Be bold Erin. You might be risking a little hurt, but you might be missing out on the best friend you ever had. I mean do you really want to go through life without some old woman next to you, giving you the occassional good natured smack for dragging her away from lunch with her beautiful Jeff Capurso? Because she will be beside you. And her Jeff Capurso will also be a memory, good only for torturing you with. (Yes I ended that sentence with a preposition! Live with it Liz).

[CPchick]

Thanks so much for the wisdom, reassurance, and hugs so far everyone...

I just wanted to add, because I forgot:

The only person who I feel truly understands me is this 18-year-old guy with CP in Australia. We met on Youtube (what a blessing!) two years ago after he made a few videos, and have become such good friends. I love talking to him so much. We are so alike. He is my rock, because I can tell him anything, and he won't freak out. I know he has experienced very, very similar feelings. It makes me feel so good that there is SOMEONE out there who understands.

He is such a great guy. It's not until now that he's away for five weeks seeing his family in Melbourne (Paul, say g'day to him, will you?) that I realise how much we talk, and how much I miss him and being able to tell him everything.

I can only hope that we can meet one day. :o

Anyway, thanks again. You guys always make me feel better.

[Carly'sMa]

I'm sorry that it is so hard for you during the summer. I don't know about your area of the world, but here, a person with a disability can get transportation services to get into town (shopping mall) etc. There are also recreational services available.

Is there a beach or public pool nearby? I know it's difficult because I know how difficult it is for me to get Carly out. It's winter here, very cold, a lot of snow - and stuck in the house. I wish Carly could converse on the computer. She was not happy today that she could not get out. And, even on good days, it's still not easy.

Do you live in the suburbs or can you get into town?

[wheeliebird]

{{{Erin}}} Reading this I too am reliving my teenage years!!! I always felt like when I was in a room full of people that I was the only one in the room. Know what I mean?? Also, when I moved to VA from PA I felt very alone and missing my peers (other people with CP) back in PA. Being in my very first apartment is AWESOME but at the same time it can be a bit lonely!!! :( I started exploring my small town here and meeting some wonderful people here. I also have a volunteer job helping folks that have developmental disabilities and that is so rewarding. Like Deborah said here in the States, well in the bigger towns and cities (not here) I live in a small town they have transportation that can take you to the Mall, restaurants or wherever you want to go!! Do you have anything like that where you are?? I Pray things start looking up for you and that you can find things to keep you occupied!! You know what, I don't know why but I thought you lived in the states?? Have you ever lived in the states?? Have a very Merry Christmas and I hope you soon start feeling better!!

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Robin

[Denae]

((((Erin))))))

My heart broke reading this.. I don't know what to say, my heart goes out to you. I can relate in very different circumstance, but I understand.

this hit me the hardest...
I make myself feel sick inside, acting so positive all the time. I amaze myself at how good I am at acting like everything is OK. When someone asks me if I'm ever depressed, I lie and say 'Ah you know, sometimes life gets you down, but not really' and then they call me an inspiration, and I feel sick inside, because I know it's just an act and that I'm not really an inspiration.

I live that every day, when I just want to cry and scream and family would never understand so I keep it positive and tell them only the necessary details, YOU all know more about Riley than my family, they would never get it- they see the seizures, and know she is in the hospital a lot, not the real details of it all...


I just want to give you (((((hugs))))))) If you lived closer to us you would have a great time. Victoria is the same year as you, I just know you would get along great!

As a mom I wish I could make it better for you ((((Erin)))))

[WorkinMom]

OH girl if I had the cash I'd send you a ticket to Kentucky!!! {{hugs}}

After skimming the responses it looks like you are pretty "typical" with your highschool feelings. I'll chime in with mine now too :) I too was an outsider. (or at least felt like one) I was a loner in school. (and still am to quite a degree)

Remember not everyone looks back on high school as a wonderful time in their lives (or look so forward to the holiday season for that matter) But I can tell you this - it will make you a stronger adult. I know it seems petty right now but it will make a hugh difference in your future.

Hang in there chica. Life will level out. I promise.

[Donna Thomson]

Hi Erin,
Well you have had some great responses and support here. I would just add the follow two cents worth: (OK, I couldn't sleep last night so I was actually thinking for quite a while about this!).....the Questions: what are your physical abililties/disabilities exactly? What happened about the rowing? Why aren't you working either paid or volunteer? Why don't you learn to drive over the holidays (ie. is there an adapted driver training programme in your city?) which makes me wonder, where exactly do you live? Is it a city or a town? Cities are so much easier for people with disabilities in some ways. As for getting drunk and being rowdy, it's time to kick your parents out of the house (to next door neighbours maybe?) and have a party. Enlist the most popular kids at school whom you like of course to help you plan. Last year my Natalie had the best 16th birthday....it was a vintage hollywood theme and everyone came dressed to the 9s. We projected Breakfast at Tiffany's on the living room wall, brought out the best silver and served gourment burgers and fries and of course cake. Even the boys all came in suits. Two rules in life I tell my kids: You CAN do everything you want in life but not all at the same time and not without money. Nick is working on becoming a seller on eBAy. He's found an old sports trading card collection he had in his cupboard and is researchiing the value of the cards and setting up a bank account/Paypal etc. OK my other middle of the night idea: Go to your city council (government) and tell them they need to hire you as a consultant to create a website of opportunities for youth in your city that are INCLUSIVE. Here's what I mean: http://www.london.gov.uk/young-london/teens/index.jsp
Two words: GO GIRL! xoxDonna

[Lauren88]

((Erin)) been there, am there (uni is good NOW, first year was awful, but holidays are hard.) I hope you can find some sort of freedom, whether it's help to access transport etc, then you CAN go meet your Australian friend! ((hugs)) for the meantime though, I know it's hard, but you are beautiful, VERY talented and so strong, people WILL see that, but you need to see it too. (hugs) Happy Christmas!

[wheeliebird]

Donna, The page you just posted for Erin is something like where I used to live they would give you the happenings and going ons in the city and around town, it was a great way to be in tune with your area and activities!!

Hang in there Erin, we'll get you out there and busy. Maybe you could google your city or town and see if there's a informational page or something. Oh, and about getting drunk, you'll laugh at this, well I hope you will!! :) I've had friends with CP that are able to walk, and thier gait is quite wobbly, (the same as of a drunk person) and they said if they ever got drunk they probably would pass the drunk test where they have you walk the straight line!!! :eek: :D

Anyway girl you hang in there, you have so many friends here on CN who love and support you!! :)

Robin

[lacyndarella]

Getting drunk and rowdy looses its appeal dear. It just makes you sick at your stomache and gives you a headache the next day. Much better to enjoy life soberly. Cus then you remember what you experienced and felt. But I think you should have a party! Just enjoy it with a clear mind. Alcohol is not a magic elixir. It's just a depressant at the end of the day.

[CPchick]

Nah, I've never lived in the states, Robin haha.

Thanks for all your responses/hugs/questions/encouragement.

Actually, a little after I posted yesterday, my taxi vouchers arrived in the mail, which means my application was approved. The national CP Society works in conjunction with a couple of taxi companies here, and along with other vouchers I have, these vouchers can completely subsidise any taxi ride I take. I have $275 worth to use in six months, so I can go anywhere in a taxi by myself and end up not having to pay anything! Best Christmas present I'll get I think. A couple of friends I know through boccia have said we should meet for coffee, so hopefully I'll do that soon. The best part of that will be that it will be parent-free! :D

I live in a city of about 500,000 people, the second-largest in NZ, so it's not small.

Also, I took Lizard's advice today about not caring what people think. :) I get my legs stretched twice a week, and I have had the same lady do it for over seven years now. Her and her husband are really like a grandpa and grandma to us, since we don't have any relatives here; they are scattered all over the world. Anyway, her husband is a Santa at a mall across town, so we went and got our picture taken with him today specially. I think we made his day! At first, I was really hesitant about going, because I wondered what people would think, but then I remembered what you guys said, and just went for it, and I'm glad I did!

Thanks for all your advice/hugs etc again. I'll try organise a party, and am actually going to the biggest concert of the year (it's called the Big Day Out), where Neil Young and about 30 other bands are playing, so that should be great fun! My sister, dad and I are flying up and everything, for a couple of days.

Thanks again, and have a Merry Christmas tomorrow (in my case) or the day after, in most of yours. :)

[lacyndarella]

Yay! I am so glad you just went and had fun! The concert sounds great. The taxi vouchers are awesome! Things seem to be looking up! Yay again!

[LIZARD]

((((((((Erin))))))))).

I'm so glad I could help. It takes a LOT of practice (it took me years), but getting started will ultimately make it habit, and I think you'll be impressed at how much better your life will be. :)


*hug *hug *hug *hug


LIZARD :)