Am I wrong to be peeved?

[Aspigander]

First -- I must apologize for something. I posted not to long ago and I'm not so sure I went back and responded. How rude of me.

Okay. A situation has occurred that has me ticked off. Anytime I think about it, I get all tense and irked.

I moved back into my apartment a while back. Why I'd been at my parents' house is because in April, I went to dog-sit for them. They're dog breeders, and there were some eight week old pups at the time. One became very ill, my mom had a friend of hers take her to the vet, and when she was returned to me I spent the next couple days trying to get this puppy to get better. Well, it was thought she had a chronic problem (but no actual diagnosis, which disappoints me because there is a specific test for the condition which was not even offered, but that's another story) that was going to be expensive to treat for her whole life, so had I not intervened, stayed there, and helped with the cost of treatment she would have been euthanized. I wanted her to have a chance. Well it turns out that she did not have the condition we thought. She'd been doing well until November when some other problem surfaced. She seems to be okay at the moment but we'll see how it goes.

Anyway, recently I came back to my apartment. I left my cats (Romeo and Fiona) there until I was comfortable that the pup (Nera) would remain okay. Enough time had passed, my mom planned to come this week (Wednesday) to help put up my Christmas tree, and I asked her to bring the cats home.

Now, as for food, I feed them a pre-packaged frozen raw diet. Both have different meat sources -- Fiona is suspected of perhaps having food allergies, so the vet suggested rabbit, which I was able to get raw, from the same brand I get Romeo's food. Romeo's food is a little over $20 for less than a month's supply, and Fiona's is $32 something for less than a month. While I choose to feed them an expensive food, I am on SSI so I don't take this kind of thing lightly. You'll see in a minute why I'm mentioning this.

Anyway, my mom brought their food, and most of their stuff. What she didn't bring was the food she'd put in the refrigerator to thaw, along with some meds I put in Romeo's food (luckily I had a bit of that here). She said she'd bring it another day.

So today (wow, I mean last night), I called her to ask when she planned to bring Romeo's Cosequin and the thawed food. She didn't know when she would bring the Cosequin, and she...fed the thawed food to one of the dogs.

Now had she asked me if this was okay, I may have been agreeable to it. Though when I pay over $20 and over $30 for less than a month of food for my cats, and I buy it for my cats, not the dogs, and I'm on a very limited income, I'm not so sure. I might have told her I'd prefer not. And the fact that she just took it upon herself to do it is very frustrating to me. But she didn't want to talk about it (anytime she does something that I find offensive, and I bring it up, she doesn't want to talk about it. What that tells me is that she knows she made a boo-boo but doesn't want to admit it).

Since I'm not neurotypical, I must ask -- is this something that would peeve most people?

[Pamster]

Dang! I would be irked too, she should have asked you Aspigander, I think she definitely made a boo boo and is ashamed to admit it. Don't feel bad for having a normal reaction to that situation. If she replaces the food for the cats then it would be better, but if you have to rebuy it that stinks. :(

Glad the puppy got a bit better and does NOT have what you first were afraid of it having. :)

[LIZARD]

Did she know about the diet they're on? If not, I'd just let it go this time, but make sure you tell her about it and how important it is for them, as they could certainly react to something else, not being used to it. If she did know, I would be highly pissed, and I'd let her know. :mad: I am Gluten-free, due to Celiac, and I know that some people just don't get how important it is that NO gluten be in the diet in order for proper healing to occur.

*hug *hug *hug

LIZARD :)

[Aspigander]

Thanks Pamster and Lizard. :)

Yes, she does know. Since I do not drive, she is with me every time I have to buy the food (in fact we have to go a little farther because not every store carries the raw diet), and every time I have to go to the vet.

Luckily, and to be fair, the cats didn't get anything they shouldn't have. But still, it's irksome. If I do the math (and my math is fuzzy so bear with me), while I think it comes out to just under $1/day for Romeo, for Fiona it's nearly $3/day. So that's what I think has me the most perturbed, along with the fact that she should have consulted me before doing anything with my stuff!

[Aspigander]

I just talked to my mom and I am SOOOOOO UPSET!!!!

She says she doesn't feel she did anything wrong, and has no plans to rectify the situation. My parents do a lot for me, and I'm making a big deal over something that costs probably a couple of dollars combined (I'll be doing the math).

We did NOT agree that I would repay her by allowing her to feed her dogs food that I bought for MY cats. I am so upset right now it is not even funny! What she's doing is realizing that I am upset and saying: "Hmm, let's now say that this is just repayment for help I've given her" when that was NOT the original agreement. I am NOT saying that I don't appreciate her help, nor that I do not intend to repay her if that is agreed upon from the beginning. What I am saying is you do NOT steal other people's stuff and then after the fact decide you are in the right for it when that was not previously agreed upon!

Oh, and do you want to know the best part of the conversation I had with my mom a few minutes ago? I told her that I'd posted on an autism related forum, because I wanted to know if my Asperger's was causing me to be irked at something that wouldn't irk a neurotypical. I told her I had two people respond, both mothers, both NT (correct me if I'm wrong on that Pamster and Lizard), and both said they understood where I was coming from. You want to know what she said? She asked if I'd ever thought of asking these people if I could go live with them! EXCUSE ME???? I live in my own apartment thank you very much. The only reason I lived in their house recently was to help a puppy who would otherwise have been euthanized. I don't NEED to "go live with someone else". I can't even tell you how reprehensible I find that comment. Does she really want to ship me out like that?

She says she's not ashamed of what she did and does not feel she did anything wrong (so why does she not want to discuss it...hmmmmmm?"

I'm not saying I'm perfect, and I know and admit that I have ownership in why we tend not to get along. I asked her why she never admits to her own ownership in our problems. You know what she said? "Well, maybe I'm just a [enter breeding term for female dog here]." I told her to not be sarcastic and answer seriously and she said she was not being sarcastic. That's right guys, while I know that I'm not perfect and have said some things that have not been productive, she seems to think she has been a perfect angel. I'm the aspie, she's the NT, and therefore everything that causes discontent in the relationship is ALWAYS because of a mistake I made and NEVER because of a mistake she's made. After all, she's an NT and therefore makes no mistakes.

Grrrrrrrr! This isn't helping the headache I've been having today, in the slightest!

[LIZARD]

I told her I had two people respond, both mothers, both NT (correct me if I'm wrong on that Pamster and Lizard)

:D :rolleyes: ME? NT?? Nah...not by a longshot (see siggy ;) ). Non-autistic, yes, but a long way from NT. ;)

(((((((((Aspigander)))))))))). :(

I'm sorry your mom is one of those people who never admits to being wrong. :( They are among the hardest to deal with. I would just "file" it and never ask her to do anything for you again. :(

*hug *hug *hug

LIZARD, who feels your pain :(

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Annoyed, yep...I'd be annoyed too. She shouldn't have just used it, regardless of the cost, without asking you.

Making your argument's foundation in the cost of it gives your mom the defense that she has spent a GREAT deal on you over the years. PLUS as you mentioned she goes along with you to purchase it.

So certainly she has done her share. The real issue is of curtosy...she shouldn't have used anything of yours without first asking - period.

In a court, you'd lose though because posession is 9/10ths of the law.

However, I wonder if she would feel the same if you decided to use up her perfume or something like that, if she accidently left it at your apartment?

You let her know that it bothered you, I'd drop it now.

And, I'd just ask her to make the trip with you to purchase a new supply...without any kind of commentary about why it needs to be replaced. Just go get more.

Also, I'd stop trying to tease out what is a correct response from an incorrect one. Your feelings are just that, yours! You have a right to them, and so does she. Doesn't mean either one is right or wrong!

And I agree, your mom's comments were nasty. I would certainly let her know that they were hurtful to you. You don't need to have a fight to the bitter end, and twist her arm until she says uncle...just let her know that what she said hurt your feelings. Hopefully she'll be more careful in the future.

Keep in mind that you've likely said things to her, some intentional, some likely unintentional over the years that have hurt her too. Maybe you guys could just have an agreement to be a little more careful with eachother's feelings.

[mrsdoubtfyre]

it is not worth it to bring things into an argument.

It is not wrong to be peeved. Some days I can get peeved several times if I am unlucky that day.

But it does not serve a constructive purpose to always act on those feelings in a way that escalates things. Sometimes it is just not worth it.

If tensions with your mother are high, then any little thing can set them off.
If it hadn't been this pet food incident, it would have been another issue.

Relationships are never always equitable. People irritate each other, and can hold resentments. Then when a misunderstanding occurs, these old resentments get thrown into the fray making things worse.

In discussing something like this in the future, the use of "I" statements may be helpful. For example, in this incident~~ to your Mother, "I understand how this happened. I am disappointed that you used the food, but since it was thawed, it had a limited shelf life anyway." Your mother has to let you be an adult, after a long childhood. And you have to let go of some of the resentment you feel towards her for her weaknesses. It is not an easy task!

[Pamster]

Awwww, that is just awful Aspigander, I am so sorry she's acting like that. It's really got to be difficult to deal with. I would have been irked over it and it's just not fair to go off and say stuff like that about where you live. You're doing great to be on your own, I am proud of you for standing up for yourself even if it's not gotten good results. :(

We're here for you. Her attitude isn't right, someday she's gonna regret it, so just hang in there. Not everything is because you're not NT. That's just wrong to say that or imply that everything is just on your head because you're affected by autism. :(

HUGS to you! :(

[Aspigander]

I have to admit, it is difficult to just let it go. I feel like I have to make her understand where I'm coming from. I did email her and asked her to accompany me to my therapy appointment tomorrow (she'll be driving me there anyway, assuming we don't get a bunch of STOOOOOOOOOOPID sleet and whatever crap might make driving difficult). Don't know. She said if she's stuffy and headachy like she is today the psychologist might prefer she keep her germs outside. I suppose that's true.

You know what's kind of unfortunate? I go to therapy to deal with my own issues. But sometimes I find I have to ask her to mediate our mother-daughter issues. I guarantee you this: If we both go in there and I start talking about the cat food incident, my mom will be all calm, cool, and collected (and so would I, at least for the most part, most likely). I'd LIKE to have the same civil exchange outside of the office, but perhaps when issues like this arise we'll just have to talk about it in my therapy appointments because somehow we seem to get along real well when we're sitting across from someone with some fancy letters after her name!

You know, my mom and I had an interesting exchange yesterday. Since she did spend quite a bit on Nera, who has pretty much become my dog (though I can't bring her to the apartment unfortunately), we both knew I would need to pay her back at some point (that was never not in the plan). So she called me yesterday, and we had the following exchange:

Mom: "What would you think of paying me back some of what was spent on Nera?"
Me: "Sounds good, how much were you thinking?"
Mom: "Oh, how about $100?"
Me: "Okay, kind of like $100/month until we're up to what was spent?" (about $600)
Mom: "Something like that, if it works out that way."

Now, my mom's name is on my credit union account. So she could just help herself to it (which I'm sure she did or plans to do now that we've discussed it). But she didn't without checking with me, even though we were agreed from the beginning I'd repay her for the vet bills.

THAT'S how I'd appreciate things going. Not just "hmm, well since I paid out a lot on vet bills for Nera, I'll just help myself to whatever without checking" like what seemed to happen with the pet food. She had enough courtesy to check. And she doesn't see where she went wrong with the food thing? I'd really like to somehow point out the connection without both of us getting frustrated...

[peglem]

A couple of things:

First, I have a daughter who sees a therapist and there are some things that we discuss better with the therapist present.

Then: Sometimes a person just has trouble admitting they are wrong and apologizing. Maybe your mom is like that. I think your exchange on the phone about arranging payment shows that you really did get through to her. This happens with my husband frequently. He'll deny wrongdoing and get all offended and defensive when I try to discuss things. He just doesn't deal with criticism very well. It seems like he's just being a butthead jerk. But, i'll notice him adjusting his behavior in the future regarding whatever the issue was.

Then: and I mean this in the most nonjudgemental way possible, but from the perspective of an NT parent of an autistic child:
We often don't get how important some things are to our children because w/ our NT mindset, we know that for most people it would be no big deal and we find it pretty hard to predict what what will or won't be important to our child. And I'll admit, when you first mentioned this whole issue, your mom's feeding the food in the fridge to the dog is something I might do myself and think its no big deal: left behind leftovers, use it so it doesn't go to waste. But, I do think if you came to me all upset about it, I'd probably apologize once I realized that it was important to you. But, I wouldn't apologize because I thought I'd done anything wrong- it would be to settle the issue so we can just move past it.

[Aspigander]

Peglem,


First, I have a daughter who sees a therapist and there are some things that we discuss better with the therapist present.

I do kind of understand that, as it seems to be the case here. Unfortunately, it seems like if there's an issue that needs discussing, it goes south unless the therapist is present. While sometimes it is needed to discuss issues I have with my mom, even to ask her to come in, I had initiated therapy to kind of work on my own issues. I tend to worry that the majority of my sessions (only 20/year with insurance) are spent diffusing some issue I'm having with my mom, whether she's there or not. In fact, the last time I went in, or maybe the time prior, I started the session by saying something like: "I was really trying to figure out what I wanted to talk about...until the ride over here." We'd gotten into a conversation that went downhill on the ride over. Well, at least it provided a topic for that session. It just would be nice if we could have rational discussions on our own. Know what I mean?

Then: Sometimes a person just has trouble admitting they are wrong and apologizing. Maybe your mom is like that. I think your exchange on the phone about arranging payment shows that you really did get through to her. This happens with my husband frequently. He'll deny wrongdoing and get all offended and defensive when I try to discuss things. He just doesn't deal with criticism very well. It seems like he's just being a butthead jerk. But, i'll notice him adjusting his behavior in the future regarding whatever the issue was.

I kind of wondered about that, but honestly I'm not so sure. With the cat food, it was 4oz. of food from each bag that was used -- 1/24 of each 6lb bag. So while the food was $22 something and $32 something respectively, the food used may have been in the neighborhood of $2-3 combined. While she planned to withdraw $100 for the vet bills. I know she was having a hard time with me making a big deal out of "something that was maybe a couple of dollars". So I'm wondering if it's not so much as me getting through to her as it may be just that she wouldn't withdraw $100 (or use the equivalent thereof), without asking, but $2-3 or the equivalent thereof seems like no big deal.

I guess as Kristen had mentioned above, the issue was courtesy. Maybe to my mom as an NT thinks $2-3 is no big deal, but it was still messing with my stuff without asking, and it would be just as discourteous had she withdrawn the $100 without asking. I'm just not sure she gets that.

Also, I did introduce the idea to her that I suspected that she was responding as she was because she didn't want to admit to being wrong, and she flat out said she did not think she was wrong.

So I guess I'm not sure.

Then: and I mean this in the most nonjudgemental way possible, but from the perspective of an NT parent of an autistic child:
We often don't get how important some things are to our children because w/ our NT mindset, we know that for most people it would be no big deal and we find it pretty hard to predict what what will or won't be important to our child. And I'll admit, when you first mentioned this whole issue, your mom's feeding the food in the fridge to the dog is something I might do myself and think its no big deal: left behind leftovers, use it so it doesn't go to waste. But, I do think if you came to me all upset about it, I'd probably apologize once I realized that it was important to you. But, I wouldn't apologize because I thought I'd done anything wrong- it would be to settle the issue so we can just move past it.

1. I do gather that NT's don't seem to get nearly as upset about smaller things. But the thing with the food was that she knew she needed to bring over Romeo's Cosequin anyway since she forgot that as well (which she has since brought over). Either she could have brought that and the food before the food spoiled, or even thrown the food back in the freezer. I know you don't want to freeze, thaw, freeze, thaw, freeze, thaw, freeze, thaw, but I don't think one round of refreezing and rethawing would have been that bad.

2. Okay, I'm going to have to ask for some NT clarification here. I'm gathering, not just from what you said but from other experiences, that NT's not only apologize for infractions they realize/believe they have committed, but also just to placate the person who was offended. I don't mean this in an offensive way, that's just what I'm gathering. See, when I'm apologizing for something, I'm apologizing for a specific infraction on my part. I generally don't apologize just to get the person out of my hair, unless I'm specifically being pressured, or it seems as if I'm expected to do so. Even then, anytime I think about it, I start trying to figure out exactly what my infraction was.

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

I need to be quick right now, so please don't mistake my shortness for peevedness or something, K.

First I would talk to the therapist about your difficulty letting stuff go. I am like that too. Not just fight to the bitter end, but REALLY feel the need to have my feeling understood 100% before moving on...like with your mom, if I were in your shoes, I could absolutely see myself going on & on because I THINK that she mustn't understand something, because if she did, she would agree with me, and apologize. Sometimes that's not the case. Accept that! And more than that allow her to be able to deal with your reaction...you don't have to 'hold her hand' through the 'processing' of the information, ya know. You told her it bothered you, she's a big girl, she can figure out the rest. This I think would be a valuable use of your therapy time.

Second, I think using your therapy time to manage your relationship with your mom is ok...as long as you can see how it would apply to other relationships too...but if there are things that you'd like to talk about that you are not getting to, then make yourself a list and prioritize them, and bring it with you.

Lastly, make sure you talk to your mom again about the $600. Don't just assume she is going to take it, or be ok when she does. She may be resorting to helping herself because you haven't taken the initiative, or something else...you don't know what she's thinking...it's possible there is more going on in her head that you are unaware of. Make sure you are both clear on how it will be handled. For example: Mom do you want me to get the cash each month for you, or do you want to just take it as you need it (with a $100/mo max) until we are settled up?

And then MAKE SURE you thank her for taking the time to work it out with you. DON'T add any more to it and give her a dig about the food...it'll only make her mad...just let her know that you APPRECIATE this approach! Trust me, she'll 'GET' what you mean...and if she is 'NT' it will be a learning experience for her.

You could also mention to her sometime in therapy that you like the way you are able to communicate more effectively when in the therapists office, and would like to be able to discuss things like that with her outside the office...again DON'T add any digs...just let her know that you REALLY like being able to discuss things civily with her.

Hope that helps.

[Aspigander]

Kristen,

Don't worry, you don't sound peeved. :) I hope I don't sound peeved to you or anyone else -- well, obviously I am kinda peeved about the situation, but I hope you all know any peevedness isn't directed at anyone on the thread.

First I would talk to the therapist about your difficulty letting stuff go. I am like that too. Not just fight to the bitter end, but REALLY feel the need to have my feeling understood 100% before moving on...like with your mom, if I were in your shoes, I could absolutely see myself going on & on because I THINK that she mustn't understand something, because if she did, she would agree with me, and apologize.

Okay, are you an aspie, or are you saying that this type of thing is actually normal? I've wondered if it is part of the Asperger's, or if it's something NT's would do too, just perhaps with me it's a little aggravated by the tendency of aspies to perseverate. Though for me, she might not *necessarily* have to agree/apologize (though of course that would be my preference, ESPECIALLY in situations like this where common courtesy has been breeched). But I need more than an "oh, okay", as if to just get me out of her hair. I know, I know, when I'm in her hair it can be annoying. What she wants is for me to speak my piece once and be done with it. But I need an actual response to what I'm saying that doesn't all but tell me to "go play", so to speak. Either agree with me or give me an intellectual explanation as to why she thinks she is in the right. I *need* intellectual conversation. It would at least tell me she *gets it*.

Lastly, make sure you talk to your mom again about the $600. Don't just assume she is going to take it, or be ok when she does. She may be resorting to helping herself because you haven't taken the initiative, or something else...you don't know what she's thinking...it's possible there is more going on in her head that you are unaware of. Make sure you are both clear on how it will be handled. For example: Mom do you want me to get the cash each month for you, or do you want to just take it as you need it (with a $100/mo max) until we are settled up?

And then MAKE SURE you thank her for taking the time to work it out with you. DON'T add any more to it and give her a dig about the food...it'll only make her mad...just let her know that you APPRECIATE this approach! Trust me, she'll 'GET' what you mean...and if she is 'NT' it will be a learning experience for her.

You could also mention to her sometime in therapy that you like the way you are able to communicate more effectively when in the therapists office, and would like to be able to discuss things like that with her outside the office...again DON'T add any digs...just let her know that you REALLY like being able to discuss things civily with her.

Thanks. That makes sense, though hard not to add in the digs. I guess it goes back to my need to make sure she *gets it*.

My mom was ill, so waited in the van while I had my appointment. I did talk about the situation though (my therapist knew about it, as I emailed her Friday just before posting here...she wasn't able to read/respond until last night, and I told her that, as she predicted in her email, we both got frustrated. She said try to keep it short or we'll both get frustrated). I also told her about the "did you ask these people if you could live with them" and the "maybe I'm just a female dog" comments. I also told her (and she got from my email) that my problem was that of respect -- it would have been more appreciated if she had specifically asked. I also told her about yesterday's phone exchange, in which my mom had at least given me that respect, but saying I'm not sure if it was her realizing that was the proper thing to do or because it was a larger amount than what the food was worth.

She said she'd try to think of ways I could deal with these types of situations and/or how I can talk about things to my mom.

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Okay, are you an aspie, or are you saying that this type of thing is actually normal? I've wondered if it is part of the Asperger's, or if it's something NT's would do too, just perhaps with me it's a little aggravated by the tendency of aspies to perseverate. Though for me, she might not *necessarily* have to agree/apologize (though of course that would be my preference, ESPECIALLY in situations like this where common courtesy has been breeched). But I need more than an "oh, okay", as if to just get me out of her hair. I know, I know, when I'm in her hair it can be annoying. What she wants is for me to speak my piece once and be done with it. But I need an actual response to what I'm saying that doesn't all but tell me to "go play", so to speak. Either agree with me or give me an intellectual explanation as to why she thinks she is in the right. I *need* intellectual conversation. It would at least tell me she *gets it*.


Ok, this is what I mean...stop worrying about whether a response is aspie or not. But to answer your question, I haven't been diagnosed as such, but often wonder...that test you posted said no, but it also told Mili no and she has been diagnosed as an aspie...I often see similarities between Mili & myself, but that doesn't necessarily mean that those similarities are DUE to AS regardless of what they are. Personality is personality - period.

So hopefully that's as confusing as I meant it to be...stop trying to categorize your reactions and your moms...you are who you are, she is who she is...and that's really all that matters.

Where there are areas that you would like to improve about yourself...because it bothers YOU, this is something to address with your therapist...NOT because it fits some list of AS traits...there are, I'm sure, loads of things that you do that are terrific that may be stronger, more creative, more detailed, whatever...influenced by AS...you certainly wouldn't want those to 'correct' right? So stop trying to bucket these things about yourself. And stop leaning on the idea that AS might somehow 'cause' your issues with your mom. You are an adult...and so is your mom...

And when you put it that way..."perseverate" it does sound kinda bad...and perhaps it is irritating to the reciever...but to me it feels more as though I'm doing a horrible job communicating...not that I'm 'stuck' or something...although I do tend to stay bothered by stuff for a while...a good example would be (since it happens to be on my mind since DH's visit yesterday not that I'm still bothered by it) my daughters accident last year. This had me in emotional termoil for a LONG time. It scared the CRAP out of me and it took a long time for me to move forward from it.

As for my comment on being in your shoes, I might need to clarify that a little...I assumed the apology was important to you...given the idea that it was a courtesy issue...what I would do is likely yammer on until I got what seemed to be an appropriate response, just as you've described.

Yes I get quite irked when I feel someone dismissing my feelings or ideas (like my sister does to me)...and I don't think there is anything too disfunctional about that (others may have other opinions though)...other than the obvious thing that you can't control others, so let them react how they react, and go about your business...that is a much more healthy approach...but you absolutely can't deny that being 'dismissed' is hurtful and belittling, particularly when it comes from someone for which respect is so meaningful, like a family member or friend. But if you keep in mind that their behavior is theirs, your is yours...it helps. And sometimes people are just in a nasty mood and sometimes it gets 'shared' for no real reason...try to give your mom a little space, she absolutely is not perfect, whether NT or not.

Sometimes when DH is in a particularly snippy mood, I can make a comment to draw his attention to it...if I ask him (nicely) if he's hungry it kinda goes without saying anything more that I'm picking up on some unusual hostility from him, that I generally see when he's got the hungry grumpies. It tends to have a 'self-correcting' effect. If it doesn't, I simply tell him that we will continue the conversation later...no use walking into a mine-field, right?

Try to remember that when you are angry and harbor these types of feelings that it only hurts you...particularly when you are steaming! Remember the breathing and calming. It's best to discuss things when everyone is in a good mind set...this is why it's most effective to point out to your mom your behavior preferences when things are going well...I am quite sure that she prefers it that way too. Reinforce the idea by telling her. You may even consider a little peck on the cheek or something ...a very rewarding gesture to any mom! If you do that, you probably don't even need to say anything...when you like how things are going, just let her know...when you don't...don't participate. Does that make sense?

Also, your mom may have some crazy expectations and her reactions to you may stem from those...who knows...it could be almost anything, don't try to figure it out. The best thing to do is to behave the way you would prefer to...in a way that doesn't drive yourself nuts...and just let everyone else do the same. In the end you will all learn how to communicate with eachother better.

So that's a lot of rambling, I'm hungry and need to eat to focus better, so hopefully it adds some value here & makes some sense...I'm not even going to reread...sorry!