I swear I hate my life sometimes...

[Pamster]

Last night Jackie threw a heavy metal chair at one of the glass doors, thank GOD it didn't break....FOR NO REASON either! THis kid needs institutionalized and if the stupid state of Florida wasn't so broke he'd get the help he really needs. I have been writing so much it's awesome, but then he goes off and does that last night. Thank God tomorrow his aid comes around 2 pm. I can't take this sh*t.

We'd taken him to the park about half an hour ago and let him run off some energy and came back with it being time for his afternoon meds. I gave them to him no problem. Jack was out here and things were okay. He's gone into his room and Jackie is freaking out. He charged me so hard he flipped my chair on its side with me in IT. I think I hurt my already sore neck in the unexpected fall and I just want to go to sleep and escape this H3LL.

I don't know what to do with this insane maniac, he's really awful to be around and it's not even MOnday yet, did I mention this backward county I live in gave them the entire week of Thanksgiving OFF??? ARGH!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO FINISH THIS MEMOIR I began SIX days ago, NOT be a freaking TARGET For his bored violent outbursts!!!!!!! I am SO ANGRY!!!!

[moose53]

((((((Pam)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/holdinghands.jpg

I wish there were some way to help you :( The only thing that I can suggest is to do the same thing that you would do with an abusive husband -- try to stay away from him as much as possible.

I know all the states are resisting paying for ANYTHING now. It's just unconscionable :mad: I will never understand paying for a war before paying for a child, never :mad:

Is there any rage involved in these episodes or is he just not able to predict what kind of damage he's capable of doing?? Is there any way of calming him?? Does his Father help??

I just feel so darn frustrated that I can't do anything but listen. I wish, more than anything, that I could fix 'things' for you Pam http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/MINIS/HUGS/1-hug4.gif

BIG HUGS.

Barb

[milivica]

((((Pam))))

The 'panda' understands

(hope enough emotional time has passed since that event, for me to say that!)

[Pamster]

Yes it has, and it's ironic you said that hun, I sat here thinking about Momma Panda and thought that they would probably eat youngun's that attacked them like this. Don't you think? I can't move without intense pain in the upper spine and neck. I think he really hurt me, and I just hate it that this kid doesn't get it that he's not funny. :(

[Keggy]

Last night Jackie threw a heavy metal chair at one of the glass doors, thank GOD it didn't break....FOR NO REASON either! THis kid needs institutionalized and if the stupid state of Florida wasn't so broke he'd get the help he really needs. I have been writing so much it's awesome, but then he goes off and does that last night. Thank God tomorrow his aid comes around 2 pm. I can't take this sh*t.

We'd taken him to the park about half an hour ago and let him run off some energy and came back with it being time for his afternoon meds. I gave them to him no problem. Jack was out here and things were okay. He's gone into his room and Jackie is freaking out. He charged me so hard he flipped my chair on its side with me in IT. I think I hurt my already sore neck in the unexpected fall and I just want to go to sleep and escape this H3LL.

I don't know what to do with this insane maniac, he's really awful to be around and it's not even MOnday yet, did I mention this backward county I live in gave them the entire week of Thanksgiving OFF??? ARGH!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO FINISH THIS MEMOIR I began SIX days ago, NOT be a freaking TARGET For his bored violent outbursts!!!!!!! I am SO ANGRY!!!!

Sorry you are feeling all this intense emotion, you sound very frustrated and angry. You said that the state lacks funds to give him the help he needs. My thinking is the state isn't going to help him get better, they will (at most) be able to hold him at bay and keep you safer. Given that, you need to see if there is any respite available to you, public and private organizations and such.
I can say this next thing since I am at a safe distance from you (you can't hit me with a puter). You need to check the emotion you are sending out because your son is feeding on it and reacting to it, its the way of the world and especially for kids with disabilities. You say that he threw the chair for no reason, but I am willing to bet anything there was a reason, even if he was unaware of what it was. You said you were writing so much it was awesome, what was Jackie doing all that time? Maybe feeling neglected? I know you took him to the park, but when he returned and had to go back to his bored life it must have set him off. It is understandable, he does not get that you enjoy your time away from him..... since he would probably enjoy being with you.
I could just say you poor thing and send you a hug, but I don't think we are all here just to pacify each other. So, now that I said what I had too, sending you a (((hug)))anyway.

[Pamster]

The emotion got better, you see I am freshly weaned off Paxil and I think that had something to do with how angry I felt. Because I felt rage beyond words. I'm better today because we had a pretty good day. His Behavior Assistant came out and stayed with me for three hours. It was nice, but I wasn't able to get through to his Support Coordinator. So I will try again tomorrow. *sigh* I am just sick of autism right now.

We'll see if they can get us any respite. I really don't think his acting on impulses to do wrong have reasoning Keggy, but I can agree to disagree. I have stirred up a lot emotions from the past from writing this book, but it's just the goal I have in mind. To use the writing to come to terms with the chaos of the past.

I feel better but I know this holiday season is going to be really hard to get through, at least we have the new aid. :(

[milivica]

Pam I swear I don't know where my brain was yesterday, somehow I didn't read the part about you being charged and flipped and hurt.

And I dunno about pandas, but would think that's part of the reason tiger's eat their young.

I'll call you soon...the kids will be off for thanksgiving all week after tomorrow. A time I use to teach them about trusting white people - ha - just kidding. But I do teach them about that holiday as accurately as I am able to find, both the good and the bad is after all part of our history as not only Americans but humans.

[Keggy]

I work with many adult clients who do the same thing. I have seen them tear up rooms and throw tables "impulsively". When I was attacked this summer I saw the trigger, and I saw the impulse coming. It all happened so fast that all I could do is move. If I hadn't seen it I would have been injured even more than I was.

It can be pretty hard to see what triggered the sudden impulses unless you are closely monitoring him, especially since the situation tends to be fast and intense.

Keep in mind even though you may feel you are not showing the emotions you are feeling, he still may be feeling them. People seem to think that our kids don't feel emotion, but I think they not only feel it ......but are more empathic then typical children. Thats why they don't care too much for touch, or eye contact.

[milivica]

Keg, I love you, I do! Have known you for how many years? But when someone is in pain, when a mother is in pain, when she has taken all she can, taken more than she can, and is past absorbtion, you must borrow her perspective and post as another MOM. I would be crushed, if I got professional information (even if you're right) when I was in emotional need. Please let me know that I didn't hurt your feelings, because I'm trying show you something.

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Mili, Keggy & Pam...

I want to start off with saying that from my perspective, which I understand is narrow, knowing you all only from here...

That you are all right.

Vent away Pam! That is what we are here for!

But yes, Keg, I see exactly what you do too...and I want to add, and respectifully admit that my behavioral issues are indeed a LOT less than yours Pam, and ABSOLUTELY, my physical capabilities for managing them are a bit better...I have learned a ton from this class we are taking...and as you know I absolutely agree with Keggy here...these kids are communicating to the best of their ability! You know I feel that way, I've said it a gazillion times! I disagree with the 'experts' on that, as Keggy does...Jackie is screaming (and throwing stuff too) as loud as he can to tell you something...

I think he enjoyed your time at the park and just really wants you to know that he wants/loves/needs that kind of time & attention from you...and of course I could be wrong, it's happened before, but that's what I 'get' from all that I know (which is limited of course)...

I SO BADLY want you to find something to work with, some grain of something to begin to imropove things with...and from where I'm sitting, it looks like Jackie is saying I can be SO well behaved when we do stuff, interact, spend time...

Did you read the stuff I posted about our class? Please do when you can...

Mili, I love you to death...can you hear the same speech coming...You absolutley can hug someone and give them a piece of advice too...if Pam needs to get her frustrations out, clear her mind before considering it...it's in type here, she can come back...I do that all the time...especially with the more, hmmm, shall we say, frank notes...

I love you all, would be lost without you!

Hugs to everyone...I'll be praying for a peaceful and loving Thanksgiving for you all!

KJ

[Keggy]

Listen.. Moldy I love you too, known you about 8 years. When I started on this board people didn't feel too welcome to hearing me say their kids may have a chiari. Remember? Parents didn't like hearing about a brain defect they needed surgery for, too scary to think about. I kept saying it, fights errupted, parents left the board, kids got diagnosed, many did better. I remember going off this board one night after being blasted about talking about it, it was awful.

I started walking on egg shells after that for a long time. Then a few years ago you were going to do something with Vince I was dead against. You have strong opinions and it is hard to give you advice even when we became friends, but I tried to warn you about it. I felt like I had some expertise in the area, but you ignored me and did it anyway. I felt like crap afterwards, and I felt even worse later when you said you regretted doing what you did.

After that I promised I would never try to support anybody by just being there for them. Being a support network means giving your best advice, not just a hug.

I work with people of all types of disability, but you know I favor those on the spectrum. I have gained a lot of experience by working with the entire spectrum of persons with autism. Nobody knows who I am for sure, or what I do, they have the choice of taking me at my word.

My point is, I am not their professional they pay and go to for help. I have nothing to gain by saying what I say. Nobody here is going to hire me to work with their child or reccomend me to anyone. I am annoymonous. They can just judge me, or they can ignore what I write. If I just sat here and typed a hug, and a "you go girl..." that would be pathetic. I do the best I can to offer support in a non judgemental way, and include what I feel is best. If I was an OT or speech therapist and offered my best advice for our kids I am quite sure there would not be a problem with it. Its different though when the behavior that needs to change is our own, unfortunatly that is the best way to help our kids. My daughters success is largely due to my husband and I changing the way we look at and do things.

I need to add that when you say things like ... "you need to borrow her perspective and post as another mom".. you are diissing all the people who come here who may have expertise in the area, like aspies.

You could try to take the "I'm an aspie" stance of course, but just remember I scored higher than you on that test. ;)

Still love you.......

[milivica]

Ok, glad we're cool Krusty.

And I know that's never your objective to make anyone feel worse, and you didn't feel judgmental, but did post judgmental. And I was pointing it out to you because I'm scared to death for her is the main thing.

Pam, I'm scared to death for you. I'm scared you are going to do if you wind up with a fractured neck. I'm mad it seems you got no one to look out for you, with a selfless love day in and day out - no one (except your mom). Who nurtures your spirit and heart?

So I'm honestly scared, like ready to call you and beg you to come live here for a while. You are welcome to do that you know, you know that right? What can you do to be safe, to help Jackie the way you want and he deserves...I can think of answers but none of them are any good.

[Nana4&cntn]

Pam, I am going to stick my nose in here and hope I don't make you more angry.

It really doesn't matter at this point why he is doing what he is doing. You are getting hurt, and in the process you are inadvertently teaching it is okay for him to throw things at you, no matter if they hurt or not.

If it happens again, call the cops and have them take him to the hospital and have him EPC'd, Emergency Psychiatric Commitment. That will get the attention of the police, his case manager and possibly the courts.

You have to do something before you are hurt badly or worse! It may sound drastic, but you press charges against your child and they will have no choice but to take him to the hospital and you have a higher chance of him being placed or institutionalized.

I am sorry I was so blunt. I just don't want you to get worse the next time. All the ladies made sense, you all are in the trenches, I have been there, not with my child but with other parents children.

Take care, and please chose something and stick to your guns,
Kathy

[Pamster]

It's okay, we're almost through this weekend, and Monday the Behavior staff are out from 3-6 mon-weds, and Friday and Saturday to observe and help out. We've got an aid now to get through things, as we try to win back this kid's behavior so he's more placeable too. Violent kids are the hardest to place in a group home but it is out there. It's back to what it was basically, with me worried about the future but I don't really have the time to talk about it right now.

Will maybe post more later if I can. Trying to just get to Monday...:)