It happened, I SAW grief...

[milivica]

A woman I know a little was walking today with this 'look', I asked her if she was ok, cause of the 'look'. She said yes, then said she was just tired. We talked a bit, and I just kept feeling sort of 'dark', hard to explain...so I said, "Wow, you must really be tired, you actually look more like you are having grief, like you lost someone you loved" and she started CRYING!!! I felt so bad, she said she'd lost her dog of 15 years. Omg, I felt so bad...I don't mean I felt bad FOR her, I mean I felt bad WITH her. I've seen people cry, and so thought I'd seen grief. Let me tell you, I'm crying all over again just typing this - not recalling my own grief with my dogs passing, but recalling HERS.

WTF is this reaction I'm having!!!! Cripe, hope it's viral or bacterial cause this whole body language NT thing is a huge responsibility, ya know?

When she made a face, almost like a smile but really she was trying to not cry, I got so scared I can't even tell you, just like when I was a kid and people would get angry I'd just get almost paralyzed with fear, it was like that. I just hugged her, and I could tell she felt odd about it and so did I - but I'd have felt like a cold b!tch if I didn't and I'm sure not the type that stands on ceremony. Then she hugged me back (cause I said "C'mon, it's ok, hug me"...or something rather instructional like that...hey when it comes to grief, you're gonna know I care and how ever you are acting I accept you).

Then she asked if I was an animal lover - HA! I told her "Oh yes, I have 2 dogs and have lost dogs in my past, the oldest being 17." Then I felt very honored cause she showed me photos and something she wrote. I think for her that was quite personal, so though you wouldn't know her I can't say her name cause that would be wrong somehow.

I told her I'd email that wonderful poem, A Dog's Prayer, warned her to have tissue handy before she opens my email, cause it's so lovely. I hope somehow, talking for a few minutes with me, since I'm not her friend but rather someone she somewhat knows, helped to lighted her grief just a little. It fills my heart to see someone that clearly loved their dog so dearly, every dog deserves that. Not every dog gets it though.

Uh! Here come the tears again, when I picture her face. I'm not trying to see her face, walking toward me, with that look of grief - that mixture of conflict and grief felt when a loved one passes. I didn't see it as much as I FELT it...honestly, if I didn't know about nt's and body language, etc etc, I'd swear I was psychic. It feels like that, I mean when you don't have much experience with this kind of thing. Empathy is not the same thing as seeing someone crying so understanding they're sad, and knowing what sad is cause I've felt sad...empathy is a bit like walking in their shoes for seconds, minutes, how ever long, even just for a flash. Puts the phrase borrowing perspective in a new light for me.

[LIZARD]

Congrats, hon'! You felt genuine, heartfelt empathy. :) I can imagine it was difficult to feel something so intense; it's hard for all of us, spectrum or not. I think you handled it very well, too. :)


*hug *hug *hug


LIZARD :)

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Dag! I'm not sure how to respond here...I want to put a happy dancing guy here, because I'm glad you were able to accomplish this, and realize the significance & all...but it does seem a little weird to be cheering you on regarding this particular event.

I'm sad for your friend...guys I'm on the verge of making a REALLY big decision and I'm freaking! :( So that likely has something to do with my ackward emotions right now.

I'm thrilled for you Mili! :D And my heart goes out to your friend!:(

[peglem]

Uck! That's my first reaction. Grief is not a favorite emotion and I avoid it like crazy! That being said, when one does have occaision to feel grief, for some reason, it does feel better to share it- very comforting.
So, um, congratulations, I guess.

Y'know, just reflecting on this- I don't know if its the way I was raised or what, but, I don't reach out when I'm deeply grieved. It seems like such a private emotion to me. Hiding out and sobbing my guts out is more my M.O.
I suppose that's not healthy. Also, though, it is very awkward for me when others are grieving...I just don't know what to do, partially because I want to avoid sharing that feeling, I guess.

I also think many nts are very uncomfortable with grief- its why those who are dx'd with terminal illness frequently are avoided by others.

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

WTF is this reaction I'm having!!!! Cripe, hope it's viral or bacterial cause this whole body language NT thing is a huge responsibility, ya know?


When I first read your post, something didn't sit right with me, not that it bothered me, just didn't make sense, sorta...I can't explain it, I think Pegs post just made it click for me...

Mili, the way that you respond to what you read, is not a responsibility...it's about WHO you are. You don't respond with 'what is right' or 'what you're supposed to do'...it's what you perceive to be the appropriate reaction, within your comfort zone...

Some people will just do what they think they would like if they, say needed a hug...ie give one in that same situation...and that's fine...like Pegs pointed out, in a similar situation she prefers to deal alone...so (in the same situation) she'd likely not point out what is obvious.

And I'm not saying you did the wrong thing, (or what Pegs would do would be wrong either...it's about the 2 individuals standing there).

Obviously she accepted your support...my bet is that she felt a little awkward being so emotional about a pet, like others wouldn't understand...so she just tried to avoid it...that's how I would be anyway...from your description it sounds like she was really relieved to get the support she needed despite it all being about 'just a pet'...ya know...

So I guess what kinda hit me funny was that word responsibility...because you could 'see' even 'feel' the despair, and simply just give her smile without actually bringing up 'the reason' you went out of your way to do that...or just be extra nice to her because you 'noticed' she was having a rough day...part of 'reading' is kinda 'reading' what to do about it...

It's easy to know for sure when you KNOW the person...but if you care enough to, you can figure out what would help or support another person without knowing too much about them...if you are so inclined...

I would venture to guess that you did that too! Not just reading her emotion, but also figuring out the appropriate reaction to it.

AND I'll add, in general I've come to believe that you 'run into' people in your life because those are precisely the people you 'need' at any given moment...

You being who you are, having the understanding about pets and all, the value of emotions, and being bold & blunt and all of those things that we love so much about you, certainly seems like it was the right 'cocktail' at the right time.

Feel good about yourself, you did a nice thing!

[milivica]

I was just trying to joke when I said I hoped my reaction (empathy) was bacterial or viral.

You mentioned she might have felt funny about being so emotional about a dog and you are totally right. She even said something like "well it's just a dog, right?" and wow, I said that's not true at all, dogs are a piece of us, when they die it's like a part of your heart is missing, like you're a shell walking around and you're hollow inside. She said, "hollow, you know lisa, you're really smart"...actually, I've been there done that with more pets than I can list, and it never gets any easier, not if you want to fully love them anyhow. I guess coping with death is easier if you build a wall around your heart, but not life, you gotta feel to enjoy life.

Had the woman not told me, I would have not known she was grieving. Once she told me she was just tired, since I'm prone to believing the words rather than body language, I just assumed she was tired. I never dreamed she was actually grieving, though I'm not at all uncomfortable with grief. I gravitate toward it rather than away, I'm happy to though I know there's really nothing I can say or do other than to physically and emotionally be there. Anyone grieving needs time mostly, to sort it all out for themselves.

Anger is another thing though, never been comfortable with anger, makes me jittery and just an anxious mess (unless I'm the one that's angry of course). But her cry/smile facial expression plus the cracking voice tone, it was just like too many signals - reminded me of an 'anger' face right before someone blows. So yes that did make me very uncomfortable, once she flat out cried though I was happy to stay cause I was clear she was sad.

I'm very happy to have actually SEEN grief, or maybe I should say to have instantly felt the grief of another rather than just understanding they were hurting and remembering times when I hurt. It's developmental, and long overdue. I'd rather be able to feel what another is feeling, than continue to be emotionally stunted or blind or what ever. It was so UNconfusing to know how another person felt so I knew what my role was, instead of my usual pissing others off and having no idea what just happened...life felt too much like an ongoing series of being ambushed all the time, I'd avoid all people related events generally. Never knew when I was going to 'screw up' as I saw it. When you can read body language, it's like having cue cards all day - not that I won't do the wrong thing, but, at least if I do I'll know what the heck I did, it'll make sense, I won't constantly feel like a total failure...at least for me, social failure felt like that, like being a total failure. Feeling like I wasn't part of the human species, and yearning for acceptance, failing till I finally just gave up and accepted my 'freak' status, well that sucked way more than feeling what others feel, heck that's an honor.

Getting dx'd with asperger's was one of the best days of my life, gaining the development to not be aspie and watching my autistic son surpass me, wow, that's as good as it gets.

Peg what you said about grief feeling very private, omg yes. I'm not able to just 'let go' and cry full on in front of others, though it seems here I can grieve maybe cause no one can see me I think part of that might be the way I was raised, it was like happiness and positive emotions can be shown, but not negative ones....hey, gotta be sugar and spice and everything nice. Yuck! No wonder antidepressants are so big now, aye? Also I can't burden others, hard to explain but I remember you're that way too. But oddly I don't feel like others should be private about it. I bet you're right about folks avoiding others with a terminal illness, I can imagine that happening. As long as I couldn't catch it I wouldn't have a problem at all with that, dunno if I could be around it all the time though like in a hospital ward. Might start to feel like death is all there was in the world.

And speaking of illness, I'm sick as a...well sick as a sick person. I won't tell all the gross details, all respiratory & sinus, throat is red with the white stuff on it, no fever yet but body aches omg body aches. Other than that though, a darn good day, hee hee. (not sure why the heck I'm so chatty)

[Isabelle]

feel empathy and express compassion is what make us humane (at least of those few left among us still capable)...... animals have been found capable of empathy too.

[milivica]

I...am not an animal!

Kidding, that is actually a line from a favorite movie of mine (Elephant Man).

Just remember what I finally learned, empathy is nothing more than a working mirror neuron system, the compassion that is expressed (or not) is not neurological though of course. Sadly a lot of folks that don't love someone with autism like we all do, think autistics don't have empathy...well how is a person supposed to show compassion, if they can't borrow anothers perspective - and ya can't borrow anothers perspective without a functioning mirror neuron system.

Ok, maybe it's just a me thing, I'm still marveling at the mirror neuron system, and trying to fully understand exactly what it means to have one. When I felt that woman's grief, that's one example. That's a gift, a wonderful gift, to be able to borrow another persons perspective. Considering I'm 44 and first reading others regularly, I don't think it'll be possible to lose the thrill of being able to do this, every time.

It's just, I'm in awe. Amazing experience with more to come.