Stress -- Why do I do *worse* with *smaller* stressors?

[Aspigander]

I just got here a few days ago and I hope nobody's getting tired of my starting a bunch of threads...I keep thinking of questions or things that other aspies or even NT's that deal with aspies/ASD's might be able to weigh in on. Let me know if I need to slow down.

Anyway, I've never been one to handle stress well. Ironically, I really don't do well when there is a *minor* thing.

Example: My mom and I went through McDonald's drive through once and I got a large order of fries with my order. I don't think my mom got anything. She asked if we could share the fries so I handed her the container so she could put it in a spot we could both reach. Well, she wound up dropping the container and spilling the fries. Now, most would find this a small inconvenience, not something to get worked up over, but my mom said from my reaction you'd think someone had died. This was earlier this year.

Ironically, if someone had died, you might wonder if I even gave a rip. I would, but have a very flat affect over major issues.

Another example: My parents are dog breeders. Recently they were both out of town. I take care of the dogs in the main part of the house while they're gone but my mom has someone come over to help with dogs in kennels. Well recently we were getting some rain that I think was a result of Ike and unbeknownst to me the basement, where there were two litters of four week old puppies, flooded. My brother came to service the kennel dogs and immediately noticed the problem on going downstairs. He alerted me to the flooded basement, I, kind of without thinking, ran down there (well we both did) and there was at least an inch of water. I ran back upstairs, called my mom who told us what to do. We made several trips down to get all the pups out of the flooded basement, then dried them off. Now, unlike the first episode, this is something that would be considered a pretty big deal. I mean pups would have died if they weren't gotten out of there and dried off. Yet I think I did pretty well.

Of course, if my brother hadn't been there, and I couldn't reach my mom, I kind of shudder to think what would have happened if I'd discovered it and was on my own. It's quite possible I'd have gone into meltdown and not really known what to do. Still, whenever something *big* happens, I'm often complimented for how well I handle it, and make sure I do what needs done.

So, I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas -- why is it that a pretty big thing I seem to handle pretty well, when the tiniest inconvenience gets me quite worked up?

[MomOTwins]

Hi, fellow Michigander (I'm originally from Dearborn)! Don't feel uncomfortable about posting lots of different queries/messages. We folks on the board love to talk!

I wonder if what you are describing has to do with "coping skills"? This is how you deal with stressors or changes to your routine. Some stressors are so huge (flooded house, bodily injury, car crash) that your body and brain almost go on "auto pilot" to address the issue; the emotional part of your brain dials back (think of turning down the volume on the TV) and the logical part of your brain (the part that says - "Just solve the problem, don't worry about how you feel") dials up.

For example - I cut myself across the palm of my hand with my penknife while gathering wild grapes. I saw that the injury was nasty, was out in the woods away from our house, so I took a tissue from my jacket, covered the cut, took the plastic bag that was brought to carry the grapes and made a bandage with the tissue to keep pressure on the cut until I got back to the house. My husband said that I was really calm, very focused, and didn't even make him think I was hurt or upset (logical brain took over and dealt with the problem). When I got home, cleaned out the cut, and felt the pain of the injury, my logical brain let my emotional brain take over and I sat and cried for a while.

I think what you are seeing in your own coping skills is something like this. Your logical brain can deal with BIG upsets without letting your emotional brain take over. However, little upsets (like the french fries incident) don't trigger your logical brain's skills, so your emotional brain just "runs with the moment" and you end up melting down over things that NT folks would think were no big deal.

I wonder whether you could somehow train yourself to think about these little incidents as things where you can just turn down your emotional brain dial? Take a deep breath when you feel it coming on and give yourself a second to gather the logical brain skills to cope with it? Just a thought, from someone who spends way way way too much time working with her logical brain!

Kim

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

I don't know the answer to this, but I'm going to make a guess.

I would bet that there are a few others here that would be able to answer this more confidently though...

My thoughts are that it has something to do with expectations. You don't really 'expect' little things to go wrong, kinda don't even think about stuff like losing your fries, because the idea of it seems silly or useless to 'practice' in your mind. You KNOW it's trivial, so don't anticipate it, but then don't know how to respond when it does...

You go through scenarios in various ways to sorta 'prep' yourself all the time, but don't even really notice it. Losing your fries doesn't really 'qualify' as an exercise. Ya know what I mean.

And then it irks you, which btw it would anyone, it's just a matter of how you handle it. Try to think about what you could do INSTEAD of freaking out, when you feel the urge or the behavior coming. An obvious answer would be to just go get some more. Crisis averted?

This was the first thought I had about the small stuff...but on the other hand you don't expect the basement to flood either...so why is it that you handled this...

I'm thinking because you KNEW it was a problem that needed a solution so you held your breath sorta and thought it through. More like something that doesn't occur but needs immediate attention, so that idea sorta 'managed' your next thoughts. Something that I'm willing to bet you are VERY good at, problem solving, yes?

So I think if this is somewhere in the ball park, then 'problem solving' dumped fries seems trivial or too elementary...and emotions take over.

If this seems to make some sense, which maybe it doesn't, but if it does, my suggestion would be to try to tackle everything like a crisis, in your mind...

Or maybe do intential 'practice runs' ...

What would you do if you got up for breakfast and found no milk or coffee or cereal or eggs or something else important?

What would you do if you went to put on your favorite shirt for some event and found a HUGE stain on it.

What would you do if you couldn't find your left shoe?

What would you do if you discover, at the worst moment, that you ran out of toilet paper or toothpaste and your parents where away?

Don't think about how you would react, think about what you COULD do...

I think Mili would have some good insight here...

Does that make any sense?

[Aspigander]

MomOTwins,
Dearborn is kind of near Detroit, isn't it? I'm in the Lansing area.

I wonder whether you could somehow train yourself to think about these little incidents as things where you can just turn down your emotional brain dial? Take a deep breath when you feel it coming on and give yourself a second to gather the logical brain skills to cope with it? Just a thought, from someone who spends way way way too much time working with her logical brain!


The weird thing is that often when something happens (like fries getting dumped), I just get really anxious and react. There's really no "feeling it coming on". Something happens, anxiety skyrockets in what seems like less than a second, and I react. I have been told "take a deep breath" before, which might work if I had a minute to do so, but sometimes it seems like the anxiety hits so fast that I'm past the point of thinking logically very quickly (which is pretty frustrating for me and those around me).

Kristen,
That makes some sense, I think. I actually like your idea about thinking about it ahead of time and coming up with a logical solution, as, like I told MomOTwins, once it happens the logic department becomes pretty lacking. I *do* do a lot of "what ifs" but usually they're emotional, anxiety-provoked what ifs than logical what ifs. Perhaps when I'm in a logical frame of mind, I can start what iffing those little things that can go wrong.

[milivica]

I'm very much enjoying reading your threads and questions and thoughts. I can identify, having had so many of the same thoughts as a younger aspie.

I can totally identify with the french fry story, oh my God, that was me to a tee. Logically, I knew I was way more upset than I should be, but I couldn't help how I felt - yet could handle major things with comparative ease.

In the past, for me I would (using your example of dishes in the sink on your other post) not clean my dishes because it wasn't a priority to me, basically everything had a similar priority, so I could logically know what I should do, but not actually turn that into action and do it. I felt overwhelmed and worried continually, and incompetent especially. It was very comforting to me, to realize I really only had 5 things causing all my asperger's issues (cause I felt like there were thousands). I hope it's helpful to you to feel you only have 5 things going on causing all your difficulty because that is my intention in posting them. I guarantee, any scenario you give me that gives you difficulty, I can isolate to these 5 developmental things below:

Experience Sharing:
Sharing different perspectives, integrating multiple information channels and determining "good enough" levels of comprehension. Using language and non-verbal communication to express curiosity, invite others to interact, share perceptions and feelings and coordinate your actions with others.

Dynamic analysis (Ongoing Appraisal):
Determining relative meaning and value of information. Ongoing subjective appraisal of continually changing contextual information, to determine the best fit. Ongoing evaluation of change. The ability to observe and continually regulate one's behavior in order to participate in spontaneous relationships involving collaboration and exchange of emotions.

Flexible and Creative Problem-Solving (Relational Information Processing):
The ability to obtain meaning based upon the larger context. Solving problems that have no "right-and-wrong" solutions. Developing multiple, equally good strategies for an imperfect world, including "good enough thinking," improvisation and "work-arounds." The ability to rapidly adapt, change strategies and alter plans based upon changing circumstances.

Episodic Memory and Self-awareness (Foresight and Hindsight):
The ability to reflect on past experiences and anticipate potential future scenarios in a productive manner. Developing an internal mental "space" to consider, reflect, preview, prepare, regulate, evaluate, hypothesize and dream.

Resilience:
Coping with a "messy" unpredictable world, where setbacks and errors are unavoidable. Responding to uncertainty in a productive manner.

Gain development in these 5 areas, and you will be at ease in this world and with everyone in it. The only way I know to do that is through the RDI program, if you know of another way that's fine too. I can't stress enough how much I enjoy everything you write, yet do feel a great sadness that I can't somehow help you gain what you need, to not have all the things that are the down side of asperger's (there are actually some good things too). And by the way, EVERYONE on the face of the earth has problems in these 5 areas from time to time but with autism/asperger's you have problems in these 5 areas much much more frequently, enough to make life hard/scary/confusing/anxiety filled.

Well I think you're just great, and the way I can see you thinking - let me tell you I was not nearly as insightful and bright as you at your age. Currently, at 44, I am about the happiest person I know. Having had asperger's (not sure if I still do) and seeing my son emerge from autism, I enjoy this world in a way I never could have, had I been born with 'normal' neurology. I really believe you are going to thrive in the future, you just have that kind of 'feel' to your posts.

[Aspigander]

Milivica,
That's very interesting. Thanks. :)

I think, while I do have problems with all 5 of those areas, my resilience probably leaves the most to be desired. Actually, let me describe something that happened about a year and a half ago that I'm sure had several if not all five of those areas causing me problems, but the most obvious problem I have from it I think is in the resilience department (that's at least the longest lasting issue, while the others were pretty much specific to the event).

I mentioned in another post that I'd attended a training center for those with visual impairments, but had issues that seemed to prevent me from getting as much to "take home" with me as I'd like. One of the things I was receiving instruction on is called Orientation and Mobility. This is basically where a visually impaired person learns about independent travel.

Anyway, I was given a destination, and had to plan a route from the center to the destination, and execute the route. Now, due to having major phone phobias (probably due at least in part to speech impediment having caused me issues with the phone in the past...my mom said once I got old enough to realize folks couldn't understand me I was DONE!), I found it difficult to actually call my destination to get directions. So what would I do? I'd look it up on google or mapquest. And plan a route from there. Which is a good tool, the internet, but I upon route execution (or attempted route execution) I would chronically find that vital bits of information were missing, and the instructor would suddenly come up, let me know we were out of time, and take me back to the center.

Before I go any further describing the specific event, let me say that one thing I've learned is that when crossing a busy street, you should always make sure you do so at a traffic lighted intersection. This way, you can cross the busy street while cars are stopped, and parallel traffic is on the move.

Anyway, on this particular day, I had gotten to the intersection that, according to my (less than stellar) plan, I needed to be at. I had gotten there by bus. I fixed myself in front of the busy street I would need to cross and my parallel street was on my left. I did realize that this wasn't a traffic lighted intersection, but I don't do so well with getting out there, finding oops, that's not gonna work, and changing my plan mid-route. Not only was this not a traffic lighted intersection, but I would later learn I was going the OPPOSITE direction -- I should never have had this intersection on my radar in the first place. Anyway, I make a plan, so darn it, I'm just going to stick to it!

So I wait until there seems to be an opening in traffic on this busy street. When there is, I start across. I was probably about 1/4 of the way across when suddenly I heard what sounded like cars coming towards me. I looked to my left, a whole bunch of cars where headed straight at me, someone honked their horn, and I hightailed my butt back to the curb with probably less than a second to spare. I came pretty close to being a street pancake.

While I'm sure that several if not all of the areas you described were at play here, the resilience problem is the one that seems to be on-going. Think I want to cross streets after that?

I think I'll research RDI.

[Isabelle]

i knew one day mili will find her match......:p;):D

[milivica]

Isabelle, hee hee, yes I just love this girl - too darn bad she doesn't live closer to me.

Aspigander,
If you research RDI, you'll find out it's the first thing that ever made so much sense. Took me about 2 years to be able to know what to DO for my son and myself, to gain enough in the 5 areas I listed above, so that life feels like nothing but choices. I understand people now on this very basic level, that I never understood before. And it makes life so much easier. I don't feel ambushed constantly in the world like I used to, best of all my son doesn't either. I really hope you look into RDI - if you do a search on this forum there is no shortage of me yacking about RDI!