Funny how the universe works...

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Yesterday I made a comment about how I haven't spoken to my sister in over 2 years.

And yesterday I got an e-mail from her! Weird huh!

I'm in need of a little advice, I think...I want to reply, wait, I will reply, but at the moment I'm feeling like I want to scold (for lack of a better word) her...

I'm going to try to be brief and to the point...not a strength of mine, as you all know...

As I mentioned, she's a bit sensative...it's been REALLY difficult talking to her, well, forever! She harbours all sorts of resentments and every now and again she'll blurt one out, and as a general rule the resentment is generally based in a really incorrect belief. For example she was angry at me and my parents for YEARS, giving us all sorts of attitude and whatnot. Then one day she made a comment about how my parents paid for my college and didn't help her...

Well, my parents didn't pay for my college, I DID! Infact I had to work 3 PT jobs while going to school plus take out loans for which I had to work 2 jobs after graduation to repay... I don't really want that to come across as some sort of boasting or whatever...it's just that the truth couldn't be any further from her belief. And the fact that she didn't know I was working my tail off all that time REALLY irked me more than anything! Like does she pay any attention to what goes on in my life, at all? That hurt! Plus I was proud of all that I had done and I got no credit from her...did I mention she's my older sister.

Perhaps that feeling of mine is based on our relationship in general...I swear she hates me...I just don't have a better word for it...but clearly she doesn't because she e-mailed me yesterday, right? She didn't have a lot to say, 50% of it was this:

.....anyway think of it as peace offering of sorts.

I miss talking to you Kristen even if it was email most of the time.


She has for the most part given me the impression that I am just a giant source of irritation to her during my whole life...you know that "little kid get away from me I don't have time for you" attitude that can come from a teenager not wanting to deal with their 'little sister" well that's kinda the way she's treated me my whole life...before adolecence and after...do I need to tell you how old I am...or do you guys know? I'm 42, she's 45.

So during our life I have basically tip-toed around trying my damnest not to 'bug' her, just so I can interact with her, and perhaps even get a little 'pride' or something from her.

Well that all BLEW up for me when I was pregnant with Audrey. I had just had it...not only did she NOT pay attention enough to even CARE even a little about ALL that went/goes on with Coley, but she had the F'N nerve to basically tell me that it was all in my imagination, and that it's validated by money grubbing Drs!

Now she didn't use those words exactly, but I was basically trying to tell her that it hurt me that she didn't support me at all with Coley...she lives in FL I'm not looking for her to come babysit or anything, just acknowledge it and talk to me, maybe even try to help...but I wasn't really looking for that...just mostly telling her that I was lonely on this island, ya know.

So when she turned around and denied it all even happened or that it was just a figment...well that was it!

And we were on the upswing with him at that time, I would have REALLY liked to hear a couple WTGs or thank gods or whatever for all that we had and were about to accomplish, ya know.... instead I get a denial.

Ok, so now back to the present...

Audrey was born, wait born early - hi flashbacks! she broke her arm, Coley's diagnosis was reversed, he's in regular-ed now, 2 T-day's, 2 of my b-days, 2 Christmas's, etc etc etc have gone by with not one PEEP from her, not ONE!

Now, I don't want to sound like I'm holding a grudge or whatever, but I really fele like: "No, I'm not making this one better, I AM NOT tip-toeing here!" NO WAY! She is a grown woman, I told her point blank that she REALLY hurt me and that she offended me and that I felt she owed me an apology..."

Silence until yesterday.

I've missed her too. And Yup, it hurts more that she's so friggin stubborn that she can't be grown up about it...even feels a little, hell a lot like, she could give a hoot - like what's the big loss anyhoo...

So I wasn't really mad, just kinda waiting & hoping for her to grow up, and getting more and more dissapointed as the calendar flipped from one month to the next year, ya know..

Now here's the thing...

I'm REALLY glad that she managed to push aside that stubborness and e-mail me, but there was not an apology...the other 50% of the e-mail was about an item (which is a kitchen utensil of my moms that has been MIA, guess we know where it went now, it's the thing she's offering)...

I don't want to chew her out or anything, I basically want to say:

Where is my acknowledgement that you HURT me! Stop denying my feelings!

Because it still feels like you could give a flying PUCK about ME! What are ya board and need a pen pal??? Because that's what I'm getting from the note!


Of course I would NEVER say it like that to her...lord knows it would be 5 years before she responded to that! But that's the general message I'd like to deliver, but in a way I'm feeling like I might be being stubborn too..it runs THICK in my family that's for sure!

Course I know she's done a good job at convincing me that my feelings are meaningless too...

I can hear my grandmother telling me it's not worth being mad and I want to resolve this, but I really feel like if I bend on this, then we will just go back to me walking on egg shells and her her trouncing on my feelings, and I just don't want that!

Thoughts????

[Tootsie]

Kristin, I would encourage you to try and heal this breach with your sister. I really miss mine, although we had very little in common. However, she died several years ago.

I would suggest that you try phoning and skip the email. It is very hard to convey tone and feeling here on the internet. I, too, sometimes have a tendency to use a paragraph instead of a phrase, in an attempt to avoid misunderstanding.

It might work best if you simply say to your sister what you have said here....that you feel your feelings have not been acknowledged. Motherhood has been more challenging than you had anticipated and it takes a great deal of your time and energy to meet the needs of your children.

You could mention that at present you are taking a class that is helping with some of those challenges. Ask her what is happening in her life, and try to relate to her answer.

I don't think you can do much in the way of forcing her to admit that she misjudged or hurt your feelings. Your feelings are just that....yours. You never need to apologize or deny them, just own them.

There are many types of classes, dealing with "feelings" and almost all of them teach the "I" statement. "I feel"....embarassed, upset, insulted, insignificant, as if no one cares, etc. This validates that you own the feeling and opens communication if both use the technique. It's worth a try. Cheerio.

[Keggy]

If you expect anyone, even your sister, to act the way you expect you will spend your life expecting and not living. It seems to me she did extend an olive branch to you. (Which I feel is appreciating your feelings already) I am sure that she herself has felt hurt by something you did as well, even though you may find that completely unimaginable.

If you email her back or call her and tell her how hurt you are and you want an apology, well you know already that you probably won't be getting that.
If you want a relationship with your sister (which seems like you do) you need to let go of this resentment you are holding on too you could have a great relationship with your sister. Remember that old saying, "love doesn't have to say I am sorry"?

I am estranged from my sisters as well. I can tell you that time does not make it better. Time makes it uglier and harder to fix.

My advice is to let the resentment go. Call her, build a relationship. Do a lot of deep breathing and try to stop your ego from ruining things.

Carrie Fisher is responsible for one of my favorite quotes. "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison every day, and expecting the other person to die." Its true, anger and resentment turns to cancer (read L. Hayes).

By the way, you and your sister are entangled at a molecular level. Its a quantum physics thing, thats why when you talked about her, you heard from her.

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Thank you both! Here's where I'm REALLY struggling.



How do you maintain a relationship with somebody that refuses to acknowledge things or events that you consider significant?

[Keggy]

Thank you both! Here's where I'm REALLY struggling.

How do you maintain a relationship with somebody that refuses to acknowledge things or events that you consider significant?

When there is something we do not like about someone (in this case you do not like your sisters lack of acknowledgment) it is because we are seeing a trait we have ourselves. That is why it bothers us. Yeah, nobody wants to hear that. Its true though although a somewhat difficult concept to understand at times.

So here is what you can do. You can start acknowleding those things that others consider significant and you consider insignificant. I know you well enough from prior posts that you do that. (Go back to the threads about the parent abandoned their children to the state for an example). Everytime you say "but, ...." and you judge someone you are doing that.

Second, besides compassion you need to develop forgiveness. Sometimes to develop this you may have to truly understand how fortunate you are.

Third, stop expecting her to change. The only person you can control is yourself. Stop living in the role of hurt sister, troubled mom or whatever role you have assigned yourself. That is your ego and if you are not careful it will hurt you and everyone around you. Look upon your sister as another soul in the world who is also battling with her ego exacty like you, your husband and your kids. It is not easy to do, but possible. You can have a great relationship with your sister.

[mrsjerome]

Kristan I never had a sister only an older brother so may not relate to your feelings.
Is this not called sibling rivalry? My own family had the 4 sons plus 1 daughter so there was not much rivaly between her and her brothers although 1 of them used to tease her very much What I will compare to is in my dad’s family 2 of his younger sisters had an extreme personality clash between them. There where some incidents that I am sure where harmless of things said and done that caused a lifetime rift between them They are both passed away now but that rift was never resolved It was sad because both had no children and lost their husbands earlier. One would think they would try and find comfort with each other but that was not to be Both died alone without ever resolving a thing. So just from looking at your situation if she is now offering you an olive branch so to speak maybe you could reciprocate and see how it turns out. What have you really got to lose? Otherwise since we never know what life has in store for us there might come a time when you will think back to this time and regret not trying. Do what you think will make you feel comfortable with.
Mrs j

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Ok Keggy...

I'm going to try to ask this without it coming out wrong, so please bare with me...

So, I KNOW I don't mean to diminish anyone's point of view, and I AM very sorry if I do...I absolutely WILL pay more attention to that.

I am not going to use that 'but' word...

So, because I know that really I'm struggling to convey my message...sometimes I feel like I don't word things well, so when I get a reply or response it 'reads' to me as though I didn't explain myself well...I know I have a tendency to beat a dead horse...

I am STILL not understanding the whole nebraska thing...I really don't get how this law changes things. It's not that I don't understand that people have struggles, I DO get that, what I don't get is how this law 'suddenly' gives a NEW option...or wait a 'solution' where there wasn't one before...I do understand that it's not a very good solution...something is just not clicking for me...

Ok, so with that said...I will open my mind up to the possibility that, although my sister literally tells me with actual words, and actions, that 'my' stuff just isn't important to her...potentially she does not really mean this...maybe I should ask her to explain better, assuming I must have misunderstood her if she said something that rubs me wrong?????

I am very good at forgiveness. I do know how fortunate I am...sometimes I want more...shirts without toddler stains, shoes that don't have puke on them, a couch that isn't stained...I catch myself with material 'wants'...but trust me Keggy, I know how close we came to disaster and I SO know how lucky we are.

I'm lucky I bought my condo in BH when I did, right before the bubble!
I'm lucky I sold it when I did and bought the bigger townhouse in Southie (I was 4.5mos pregnant and didn't know)
I'm lucky my recently divorced boyfriend wasn't FREAKED by this and married me.
I'm lucky that my marriage has withstood ALL the trials that we've had in our short time together
I'm lucky that my son lived being born at 28 weeks (10 weeks after learning he was coming)
I'm lucky that he did not have respitory or cardiac or more severe neurolgical damage
I'm lucky that he is 'outgrowing' his developmental challenges
I'm lucky that my husband is willing to work as hard as he does so that I can stay home...

I could go on...I'm just really wanting to make sure I don't sound like I'm just arguing...because I thank my lucky stars, my gardian angels and every other mystical force that could possibly be at work here VERY often, because honestly...I am really shoked when I look back sometimes at how, not just fortunate, but seemingly 'lucky' I have been and are.

As far as forgiving...maybe I need to think on this more...I think I am, let me pay attention to it more though before I finalize my answer there...

Alright, help me understand this role thing...I 'read your words' I understand them...

I don't think I'm living in a 'hurt' role or whatever.

I took her crap and never really said much about it. Well except a few things I didn't really get...

just to give you an idea... She was diagnosed with MS. It is very mild and there is some question about whether it's an accurate diagnosis (these are her words)....although the 'top' guy at...oh crud...the best hospital for MS in the country in Baltimore - the name escapes me...anyhoo the big cheese there, who no one will argue with confirmed it. But the one thing that raises questions is that she was diagnosed after 30, very unusual for symptoms to start that late - but it happens, and she had her 2 children after that and it did not progress...if anything it subsided...that is contrary to norm...

Ok, so when she was first diagnosed she didnt' really want to talk much about it. It scared me quite a bit because she was alone at the time AND living in a city with no other family near by. Knowing what we knew about it, we were kinda expecting things to start going down hill. Afterall this is what was told to us. It's a progressive thing.

So, naturally I'd ask her how she was feeling, and about her specific symptoms...apparently this was off limits...she did NOT want to discuss it.

Alrighty. Her choice.

So, at the time I worked for a health care company and needed to travel to DC a couple times a year. Generally I would extend the trip a bit and visit with her.

This is actually how the whole college thing came up. She cries poor and basically I'm obligated because I was more financial fit...but obligated from her perspective because I OWED her. Once that was cleared up, it actually didn't change her beleif about me being more obligated, a share the wealth perspective, and I sorta assumed guilt and paid for everything. She did tend to tone it down after - as far as the owing her thing was concerned.

So one time when I was visiting she happened to be moving. It was good that I was able to be there for her because I witnessed first hand her symptoms which to date no one had seen. And not in anyway do I mean to imply that we doubted it, it's just that she wouldn't talk about it so we had no idea how bad it was or how managed it was...

So apparently under much stress, physically and emotionally her symtoms flared. She was dizzy much of the weekend. Nautious and in pain. I honestly don't want to know what may have happened if she did that move without someone telling her to SIT DOWN. It's pretty risky carrying heavy furniture while dizzy, ya know.

So this scared me a lot. She assured me that her symptoms were MUCH worse than before the move, and that she was confident that they would reside after things got more organized. Ok, gulp, I went home.

But you know, against her request, I HAD to follow-up, I wanted to make sure she was right. I was scared for her to be driving and working and lots. I didn't say that to her, just simply, how are you feeling?

Well she made it abundantly clear at that point that it was never to be discussed again.

Alrighty.

But that didn't change my worry. I spoke to my mom about it and just tried to reassure myself that she wouldn't push herself too far, that she WOULD see the doctor if needed, that she would take meds if the symptoms didn't subside, etc. And never asked her about it again, until Coley began seeing a neurologist and of course family history came up.

Now, not having a lot of information to go on, I did the best I could answering the questions. Doesn't it figure, the neurologist wants MORE and asks me to get it from her. He's suspecting that she may be having partial seizures and not MS because they are often confused, and he's suspecting this is also what is occuring with Coley.

So I contact her and even with COLEY's interest at the root of my inquiry she STILL wouldn't talk about it. And much to my disappointment really didn't give a hoot about why Coley was seeing a neurologist.

Now up to, or roughly starting at this point, I want to say that if I played any role (and I know we all do) it was likely stupid little sister. But (oops theres' that word) I'm (and maybe I'm wrong) honestly feeling, or atleast my intention was, to break out of that role at the last time I spoke to her. Basically insisting that she speak to me like an adult, and a responsible mother...instead of allowing her to make me feel like that little kid that should be seen and not heard.

Of course I'm HUGELY dissapointed that this whole 'rif' is what came of that. And honestly I only feel angry when I think back on specific things that she's done or said that normally, or with anyone else I wouldn't allow...but I did for her because I didn't want to, hmmm justify the title I guess...so yes, I would agree I am angry more at myself for being that 'kid-sister' for FAR too long!

At this moment I guess what I'm struggling with is exactly what role to hop into before I reply to her. At least that's my perspecive.

But maybe I just shouldn't even think about it.

I guess MrsJ, that at the end of the day, you are right.

Considering that, maybe this is all about me being afraid she's not going to take me seriously. It feels so risky.

You know something...I think I just had a breakthough...what is it that middle kids are stamped with, that middle kid syndrome...constant quest for attention.

I never felt like that, and generally people tell me I don't fit the bill for that...

I think though maybe with a highly absent mom, perhaps my sister is filling that role...then that part lines up with the MCS.

Honestly that's all I want from her is to just notice, really anything about me or my life, and be interested.

Is that wanting to change someone?

Is that expecting too much?

What are we to talk about when I tell her things, and she has no interest. And her life is off limits. How do we have a relationship with this sort of dynamic? That's gotta be wtong, huh!

[Keggy]

I didn't have time to read your whole post cause I am at work. A few points...
This is not really an opinion, its my psycho babble, I am a therapist, its what I do.
ou can omit the word but, but when you go on to explain why this doesn't apply you are still using it. (Beating a dead horse.. think about what those words mean)
Again, you can not change her behavior. You can't change your husband or your kids. You can change your own, and that it turn may just change theirs. This applies to your sister just the same.
She will let you talk about her life, her symptims whatever, when she feels ready to do that. It will change depending upon how she feels you are with her.

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

OMG! My head was POUNDING yesterday about this whole thing...sick to my stomach...

You know I've never really thought about all this in one heap before...just sorta dealt with her or the stuff with each 'thing' either swallowing my own feelings or chocking it up to 'well that's cowy' (I'll use her nickname).

No she's not fat, FAR from it...that's how I said her name as a baby and it sorta stuck. She made me stop saying it in high school in front of her friends, but doesn't mind it otherwise.

Anyway. Once I started to think about it more and more 'stuff' started to pile up in my head. And suddenly an alarm bell went off. It's REALLY funny actually that I NEVER considered this before.

I think my sister is an Aspie!

Once I considered this SO many things came wooshing in...but I also know that if you look through rose colored classes you'll see pink...so after a bit I convinced myself that I'm trying to make an excuse for why we've never bonded just to make myself feel better about it at this moment.

Some of the ideas that came up:

"I needed health insurance so J & I got married" :eek:
"How do you know when you should be married to someone"
"I couldn't chose so I just put them all 7 to sleep"
"I'm not upset about the (3rd) miscarriage (in a row), just feel physically unwell"

and my personal favorite, which came at the last interaction:

"I don't need support from others, so I'm not really understanding what it is that you want from me"

Funny too about the way Coley reacts to hurts...very much the same as cowy...like they are embarrassed or humiliated about making a mistake...they both hide and get defensive.

I could go on...

But even after thinking about this I wiped it out, convincing myself that it's a cop-out so I don't have to 'deal' with this either directly or emotionally.

But then, thank GOD, E (my best friend, you know the one I refer to as the sister I never had) called. She's known our family since I/we were little.

And without saying a word to her about any of my thoughts...I just told her what had transpired and she said this:

"You COULD tell her what has you upset. You COULD tell her what you need from her. But Kristen, you have never gotten that from her and you never will. Since I've known you, you have had this longing to bond with your sister. Well she is simply not capable of that. She is broken"

"She has been close to noone, we've all even questioned her love for her husband, and I can assure you, if she has anything in her to give, it's going to her children."

"So, I know you, and I'm willing to bet thinking about this, and putting it all down is only going to hurt you more, rip open wounds that just can't be fixed. If you feel you need to vent it, then keep that seperate."

"There is no reason why you & cowy can't have a civil relationship so that your children can know eachother, don't expect more, you're only setting yourself up for more hurt."

Then she sorta chuckled a little and said, you know sometimes I swear she's got antisocial, detachment something or other...what is it that...uhmm... aspergers thing.

I was just numb! And I finally blurted out my real feeling..."E why do I feel like she KNOWS what I want but intentially withholds her love from me?"

"Kristen she's incapable of giving you anymore than she does, she appears manipulative because she needs to think so bloody hard about how to interact with people."

So after that call the knots in my stomach went away, my head stopped pounding and I just wanted to cry me a river.

I'm not going to respond to her right now because I need to collect myself. But I'm pretty much just going to do what we always did...keep in touch. Apparently to her that's enough. She has no friends and her husband is away more often than he is home. Right now I feel lonely for her...so I don't want to reply with that tone.

And I'm kinda mourning that imaginary relationship I'm apparently never going to get...I don't want to have that in my heart when I reply.

[Tootsie]

Kristin, I had a few thoughts about the situation with your sister that you might want to consider. When she doesn't want to discuss her diagnosis of MS with you, it may be because she isn't quite sure how to handle your response. Sometimes people can handle their own anxiety, grief or emotional pain but simply can't deal with the expression of someone else's response to it. You need to give her time and space, but perhaps that time and space will never include you.

If Coley's neurologist needs information or a family history, ask her to contact Coley's doctor directly, and give the neurologist permission to discuss Coley with your sister, in regard to the family history, and her diagnosis. Tell her that you respect her decision not to discuss pertinent matters with you. That is her right as a patient.

Find some neutral ground to establish some kind of bond. The only thing I had in common with my sister was that we both had children. That's what we talked about, even when she was dying of breast cancer. She never told me her diagnosis. I found out from our mother, and it was never discussed with my sister. Awful! I cried for days when I found out and cried when I got home, after attending her funeral. I felt I could have helped but was never given the opportunity....that was her decision. Cheerio.

[Keggy]

From you last post and the way you describe her, I think you are going to have to react to her as though she were Coley. How would you want a sister of Coley to behave? because thats what you need to do.

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Thanks Keggy, that's a GREAT perspective! I do have a hard time removing myself and that helps!

I do have an update, but I'm feeling a little in the middle of it and unable to really tell ya what's going on...

After thinking a bit about what E said I e-mailed an old friend of Cowy's. She's known our family since roughly the same time as E. They know eachother (E & L), because of our family but don't keep in touch. They both call eachother sisters of all of us (as we refer to their sisters) and they both call my mom "Ma"...

Cowy, last I had heard, consisdered "L" weird and wasn't planning to keep in touch with her...this was shortly after her first was born (Cowy's), who is now 7.

We've kept in touch (L & I), a little, trading Christmas cards, and the occational "Hi" type e-mail. Last time I had a heavy duty conversation with her was just after Coley was diagnosed with LKS, (before that when her daughter had to be airlifted after an accident).

She was just completing a special needs course for teachers. We talked live, she spoke to my mom and she told her about the LKS and she called me to tell me "I know you are scared, but everything is going to be fine."

Ok, so that's a little idea about "L"...

So after sleeping on E's thoughts, I decided to ask L what she thought.

Apparently Cowy decided that she needed L's advice back in Jan when she heard through my mom about the horrible episode at the ER with Audrey's fractures. She wanted encouragement, I guess, to call me. Apparently she got that from L, but still she didn't call.

Well L, is pretty much picking up the 'big-sister' role here...told us both that we are being idiots!

She's right now sorta mediating, through e-mail...

I've seen a couple things from my sister (and she's seen some stuff from me), but L has promised that she will not share anymore until we can talk appropriately with eachother.

I will say that it appears that my sister just does NOT understand me. And yes, likely I don't understand her either.

L says we both describe eachother as though we come from another planet and that she is shocked by how little we know of and about eachother.

I'd say we are in a venting stage right now. And of course I'm still feeling like, I'm right, and she's way off...but that's largely because I haven't heard much from her yet. I am wanting to hear more so that I can understand her perspective.

I'm afraid though still, that she doesn't want to hear more to understand me. But that's the root of my issues with her, which L thinks does have more to do with Mom...

I don't know what's happening with my sister, but she (L) is basically telling me where I'm being unfair in my perspecitve...

She's saying it's hard for her to stay completley unbiased, as I'm sure it would be for E, so I think I'm getting more perspecitve on Cowy than she might be getting on me. But I totally trust L...

I'm scared, but hopeful that we can get past this stuff...

I'll let you know how it all pans out.