Jokes to share

[jack19]

i would like to announce that jokes competition is now open ..everyone participate and share your best joke.
I WILL OPEN THE COMPETITION WHIT A NICE JOKE:
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like ****....

[nide44]

i would like to announce that jokes competition is now open ..everyone participate and share ....

OK, so if its a competition- what's the prize(es) ?
Ya cain't have a competition widdout prizes!:(

Also- what's the categories? Ya gotta have categories! :confused:

Maybe:
Best off-color ('dirty') joke
Best church joke
Best blonde joke
Best .."so a man walks into a bar"......joke
Best "Shaggy Dog Story"

Anybody got any other categories?

And BTW.......What's the rules? Ya gotta have rules ! :rolleyes:

and mostly......who's the JUDGE (s) ?? Ya gotta have judges! :eek: :confused:

Inquiring minds wanna know-NOW !! :p :D :) :cool:

[trekker]

She was Soooooooo Blonde .

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:"she wrote "Sagittarius."



She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

Under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics"


She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DON'T WALK."

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.


She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She studied for a blood test.

She sold the car for gas

When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said,
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.



She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ..

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thought if she spoke her mind she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."


AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:


She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican telephone company

[trekker]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know Each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over And said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk Broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.





Are you ready for this?







Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.






"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"



Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.

Life's too short not to enjoy these silly little cute and clean jokes

[trekker]

The coffin

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him

FASTER... FASTER...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping

clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,


(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)









The coffin stops

[satman next generation]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The 1st worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The 2nd worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The 3rd worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The 4th worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The 1st worm in alcohol - Dead.

The 2nd worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

The 3rd worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

The 4th worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation......
What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said....
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

God Bless....In HIS Service....Dan

[joy]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about
to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says
the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of, and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"


Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.



*****
sorry Bob, what were the catagories again? my memory fails me, lol

[Firebird]

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?


A: Eliphino

[joy]

good one Firebird.

[jaztsd]

It was nearing Christmas time, and the young mother was getting desperate. She barely had enough money to buy food, let alone gifts for her two children. She went from store to store, trying to find a part time job, but no place was hiring. Finally, she came across the Tickle-Me Elmo factory, and walked in.

She spoke to the hiring manager, who said, "As a matter of fact, we do have one position open. It's pretty entry level, and it doesn't pay much, but if you want the job, it's yours." The woman happily agreed, and started the job on the factory floor that very afternoon.

Later that afternoon, the factory foreman ran into the hiring manager's office, shouting, "What is wrong with that woman you hired? She has the whole place backed up!" The hiring manager went down to the factory floor to see what was happening.

When he went to the floor, he saw the woman he had just hired sitting at the end of the assembly line. She was carefully taking scraps of material, sewing two marbles into each, and then sewing the whole thing between the legs of each Tickle-Me Elmo doll. The hiring manager looked at her for a moment, and then said to her, "No, no, you misunderstood me!..."







Keep going...







"I told you to give each Elmo doll two Test Tickles!"

;)

[jaztsd]

Three men walked into a bar...

You'd think at least one of them would have ducked ;)

[Matt A]

A priest, a rabbi, a pirate and a mouse walk into a bar.






The bartender looks up and says....




"Is this some kind of a joke?"

[Matt A]

Here's a dumb one to try on a friend.



"I have a good knock knock joke. You start."..............................:rolleyes:

[dave]

Your mom is so fat, the ***** put on a Malcom X t-shirt and a helecopter landed on her!:D

[lor]

At the center of our local mall there is an area selling T-shirts & my son noticed this one, that seems to take a couple seconds to sink in:

"I know how your girlfriend feels"

[nide44]

OK,OK !!
Here we go:

Bubba and Homer:

Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers,
shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Homer,
"If I snuck ovah to yore house while
you wuz out fishin'an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,
"I don't think so,
but it shore would make us even."
>>>>>>>>>>>>.
And the specialty category "GROANERS" :

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar,
and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week...
and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks,
"Is the bar tender here?"

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
"I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron,"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said,
"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egyptand is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Oh, Pancho...........
Oh,........ Cisco !!!!
(2 points if you remember them )

[bewolf]

How to Give a Cat a Tablet
(Or Why We Own Dogs)

Pick the cat up and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it, allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from the foil wrap. Make note to buy a new rule and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered 'Dolton' figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pull in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to partners forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbours shed and get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road and apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed and pry cat's mouth open with a small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash down pill.

Get partner to drive you to ER and sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How to Give a Dog a Tablet








Wrap it in bacon!

[bewolf]

How To Wash A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

[justrosey]

did the doctor give you your test results
yeah, Looks like all those years of phone sex caught up with me
I HAVE HEARING AIDS
i have h9 OUT OF 10 MEN PREFER WOMEN WITH BIG BREASTS .... AND THE 10TH GUY PREFERS THE OTHER 9 GUYS


THIS MINISTER DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT AT THIS WEEKS SERMON
HE TOOK 4 WORMS AND PUT THEM INTO
A BOTTLE WITH LIQUOR
A BOTTLE WITH SMOKE
A BOTTLE WITH CHOCOLAE
AND TE FOURTH WORM WAS PUT INO A BOTTOM OF CLEAN SOIL,

THEN THE SERMON WAS OVER HE LOOK AT THE WORMS
THIS IS WHAT HE FOUND OUT
NO. ONE WORM DEAD
" TWO " "
" three " "
" FOUR " ALIVE

HE ASKED THE CONGREGATION WHAT THEY GOT OUT OF THIS WELL MAXMINE WHO WAS IN THE BACK ROW IMMEDIATELY RAISED HER HAND AND SAID

IF YOU DRINK,SMOKE AND EAT CHOCOLATE YOU WILL NOT HAVE WORMS