Dementia: To remind them or not to remind them?

[TaintedPhenomena]

Hello!,

I have a question that has been troubling me for awhile now. I'm a 21 year old home owner. I live with my father who is 76 years old and suffering from COPD, Alcoholism, and PAD. In addition to this he is also gradually loosing his memory of things, a form of dementia that everyone in my family tends to end up with in old age. I try to help him even though he resists at times. One major issue with his memory has been remembering facts like how old I or any of my siblings are, birthdays, etc. He tends to forget those things regularly and I have to remind him,... no biggie. The issue is that he forgets that his sister has died. She died in 1993 very suddenly and unexpectedly and under slightly suspicious circumstances. When he forgets this and talks about her as if she was around for events after her death or as if she is still around I have ever so depressingly reminded him that she died. It upsets him I can tell as he will cease the conversation and withdraw. It upsets him I think for the shock of remembering "o ya shes dead" and also for him to realize "o wow I forgot that" which is probably embarassing. He can still realize that he forgot something once he is reminded of it and recognize that as an issue for himself...This sort of memory issue only tends to get worse over time so I am wondering should I remind him she died since it does to an extent upset him?

Thanks so much for your opinions on this delicate issue.

TaintedPhenomena
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Multiple Sclerosis, Hearing Impaired, Waardenburg Syndrome Type 2, ASD, PCOS.

[tic chick]

welcome, tainted phenomena!

my mother-in-law is 91 with dementia and has been in some type of skilled nursing facility for about 10 years now.

her brother died. she was close to him as they were in one facility together. we didn't take her to the funeral, because it would have been too upsetting and strenuous for her. we visited her one day and mentioned that her brother had died. we had told her before, so we were surprised that she started crying and saying she didn't know cause she didn't go to the funeral.

it is a memory problem. since it upsets them so much and reminds them that they are having memory problems, i would not say anything if your dad brings up his sister and talks about her in the context you have given.

it's just not worth it to see them hurt and withdrawn and then perhaps suppressing other memories that he associates with her. that's my opinion.

bless you for taking care of your dad with all his probs.

please feel free to post anything here,
jeannie

[Tootsie]

While it may seem uncomfortable for you, is it possible for you to duck the whole issue? Can you make some comment about how you always enjoyed Aunt xyz's apple pie, and then not comment further? You might try this and see how it works.

If he talks about going to visit her, calling her, wondering why she didn't come to some family gathering, then you need to tell him why.

As much as we all want to protect our memory challenged loved ones, sometimes you simply have to deal with the reality of everyday life. For me, the hardest thing I had to do was learn to lie to my mother, something I had never, ever done. She would worry and concern herself with issues that needed long explanations that I knew she could not comprehend, so I lied. When she worried that she didn't have money to pay for her lunch at the home where she lived, I told her I would pay them when I left. Actually, there was a monthly fee for her stay there.

Gradually you will learn the best way to deal with your Dad. We all do what we are able to manage and feel guilty anyway that we can't do more. Cheerio.

[joy]

TaintedPhenomena welcome. I hope you will keep posting here. I agree with what both have said. My mother died in 04 but there is some things I wish I had done differently.

I wish I'd let her stay as independent as possible the last few years and not been so 'protective' after she got better. I also wish I had not told her that she had alzheimers. In fact I know she had some mild form and would have improved more after taking b12. I should not have looked for the worst and let her try and get back to the life she was used to living.

There are several folks here who have given good advice for a long time and I appreciated it much when I needed it. I think the need to be as upbeat as you can be is important for them and for you so if their memory is short termed why be hurtful is what I think also.

[Jo6]

Hello Tainted Phenomema, welcome. You are very young to be taking care of all of this. I certainly do admire you for what you are doing.

In your case Tainted, I would avoid getting near this subjecj. I don't mean to sound harse of callous, but it could come back and cause many problems. Of course, you may not have a choice. I am no expert by any means, but living with Alzheimer's as well as any form of dementia is a real challenge. I can't even walk and chew bubble gum without falling on my face!:p
Others have given you advice, you can take their words to the bank. In other words you can trust them and they sure do try helping everybody. Do you have someone to take care of him when you need to get out? If not, find someone to take this role. You will surely need it.

I read Tootsie's words last week and by the time I got to the end, I too had tears running down my cheeks. After all these years, she still feels love and compassion . Those 2 things are paramant. We will surely lose., Yes, you have been down this road more than 1 time((hugs)).

So has Joy, Jennifer and those I can't remember names. My MIL is still alive, if you can it that. I do so want to help her, but we are at the point where there isn't much we can do.

I hope you can find some good here, it surely has helped me get through this far. You make sure you take care of yourself!! I'm bossy, yes indeed! after all I am old enough to be your grandmother;) I do mean that and if you ever need or want to talk, but leave me a message. I don't think the PM works too good for me. I don't get my messages half the time..

I love all you girls and want to be of help to anybody that wants it. Take care of your self. Jo

[Ted Hutchinson]

There are a couple of recent articles dealing with this issue in a sympathetic way.
Dementia: the past makes sense of the present (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?xml=/health/2008/07/28/hdementiaint128.xml)

Dementia part two: unlocking memories through love (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?xml=/health/2008/07/28/hdementiaint128.xml)

[joy]

Ted I have quickly scanned both these and know that I intend to go back and read them both fully. It looks like really good information and I imagine all of it is good. Thanks