Separation anxiety with everything

[CathyT]

Hi all,

My whole life, its been hard for me to get rid of anything. I guess I project myself onto the inanimate object, and don't want to be given away or thrown out!
I have 2 kids in college and my hubby is worse than I am with keeping things. I can't stand feeling like I live in a warehouse and have been trying very hard to rise above this separation anxiety I have and get rid of things. Its been especially hard to get rid of the kids' old clothes, toys, etc.
I have learned that if I take the stuff to our local Caring Center, I will have a small panic attack on the way home, but it eventually subsides. That helps......to know that the hardest part is just getting it out of the house. Once the stuff is gone, the anxiety goes away. Plus, my bad memory is working in my favor with this!
But I have to admit, today I ran back and took one outfit out of a box of baby clothes I had taken.
With all the junk we've accumulated over the years, plus my mother going into a nursing home recently, I feel that all I do is try to get rid of things..........which is totally anxiety-producing for me.
I'm sure there's some deep psychological reason I'm doing this, but I don't have time to spend 40 years in therapy to work it out! I'll just keep trying to do the best I can cleaning out. But it sure is a challenge.
Anyone else have this anxiety at parting with things.........even if you know you won't ever use them again???
Thanks!

[tic chick]

cathy, *smallrose

what you have is hoarding behavior. there is a psychological reason behind it and you would probably have to talk to a professional about it. it's probably tied into your depression, also, so maybe the zoloft will help that, too.

that's a GREAT idea to give stuff to the less fortunate, people who could really use it. think of the good you are doing for them and the use they will get out of the objects. when you take a pile of stuff to give away, it's okay to keep 1 thing for yourself, maybe make it the item that has the most pleasant memories for you.

hoarding behavior can usually be overcome with behavioral therapy. i don't think it would take long and i think therapy benefits a lot of people. it really helped me with my emotional problems and my anxiety was greatly reduced once i got out all my problems that i had held in from my childhood.

it's a long road, cathy. you are making some really good decisions about what to do and your progress will be rewarded with less emotional stress.

keep taking those steps towards a happier self!

jeannie *bunch

[CathyT]

Thanks Jeannie,

I've had some therapy in the past. I have a question for you. Do you know, is there a difference between plain old generic therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy? I've heard about the cognitive one, but don't know if that's pretty much what most therapists do.
My husband is a hoarder too, but I seem to be the only one who is driven crazy by it! When my kids were little, I bought way too many toys, clothes, etc. for them. Now I'm too sentimental about all of it. If I had it to do over again, I'd buy them about a million fewer things! :p
Thanks again for your help Jeannie. :)

[sleepy]

Both of my parents saved things.I even found dried up old rubber bands when cleaning their place.I as well as my daughter are both hoarders. I know in my case it is a fear of throwing out something I might need-yeah right,like 20 years from now-lol. Anyway I found that if I have someone helping me I can throw things out..... I'm left alone the papers and clothes and rubber bands and useless stuff piles up. Good luck. J.

[Nana4&cntn]

Cathy, I spent about a year in Cognitive therapy and learned a lot about why I did the things I did and also why I allowed unhealthy people in my life to take advantage of me! When I was going to regular talk therapy it wasn't as goal oriented as the Cognitive therapy. I learned to reparent myself using the tools I was taught. I also learned to give myself permission to get rid of things.

I also learned the reason I was a pack rat and had trouble getting rid of things was because I considered my things a safety blanket of sorts. When you grow up and don't receive unconditional love or hugs and feel safe, in adulthood you gather THINGS to fill your "Love Tank." I need to find the book we used in therapy, it spelled out things I had never thought of before but were so true.

I hope you find a good therapist who uses CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy)

There is also another type of therapy called DBT, I have never had this type of therapy, however my dil has and it has helped her anxiety tremendously. It teaches you how to deal with situations that cause stress.

I hope this has helped,
Kathy

[CathyT]

Thanks Sleepy and Nana.
Sorry I didn't notice your posts sooner. I have been on a smaller dose of Zoloft, and it has helped to keep me a little more stable with my emotions. Plus, my son went back to college in the fall, which helped alot. I hate saying that because I love him so much. But he's a challenge to live with!
Do therapists usually advertise that they use the CBT? I've had alot of therapy, but they never called it anything other than therapy.
When I was young, I used to save broken things, because I was afraid the pieces would get lonely. I'm sure that was a reflection of how I felt about myself. There wasn't a whole lot of love in my family, unfortunately.

Since I was on here last, I've had to clean out my mother's house, because she went to a nursing home. Even though it was a real pain in the butt, it was also sort of nice, because I had absolutely no trouble deciding what to keep, what to recycle, etc. It was sooooooo much easier than when I go through my own stuff!
I'm making some progress on all my own junk. I'm really torn. Its so hard to get rid of things, yet I really crave simple surroundings.......which I definitely can't have with all this junk around!
I think it takes practice. The more I get rid of, the more I realize that I'm still okay without it.
Thanks for your help!

[tic chick]

nice to see you cathy! *bunch

i've seen some therapists advertise "cbt". you could always ask if a specific therapist does cbt. i think most therapists use a combination of cognitive/behavior therapy, depending what they believe works and how the patient responds.

i think only psychiatrists use "freudian" or "jungian" methods of treatment, depending on who's theories they believe in. that type of therapy is usually long term. cbt is usually a shorter term therapy and that's what most insurers typically like to pay for.

i also had to help clean out my mom's apartment because she went into a nursing home in january because of alzheimer's dementia. i usually can throw things away unless they have special memories for me. going through my mother's papers, i made a vow i would never leave so much stuff for my kid's to go through.

as somebody once told me, "IT'S JUST STUFF!"

i'm glad the zoloft is helping you, cathy. take care of yourself.

(((((hugs)))))
jeannie

[Nana4&cntn]

Cathy, good to hear from you! I am sorry about your mom going into the nursing home, I am sure it was a tough decision for family to make.

My therapist directed me to cbt and it worked well for ME. I have had to find a new therapist due to having medicare and have requested someone familiar with cbt and where to go from there. I wish I knew where I put my workbook as if you could look at the book or workbook, it would give you an idea of what cbt is all about.

I am working on getting rid of a lot more stuff! I have way too much STUFF for one person! I too have made a promise to myself and children that I will not leave them with all this crap.

As Jeannie said IT"S JUST STUFF!

Hang in there, we are always here for you!

Hugs,
Kathy