i just need to vent!

[tic chick]

hello to all who read this!

my mom was having chest pains last week and refused to go to the er until i called her cardiologist and his nurse told her to go. we got there about 130pm and i left her from 5-7pm cause she was going to have tests and i wanted to go home and eat. i came back at 7pm and stayed with her until almost 1230am when her cardiologist decided he would keep her overnight.

i took my mom to the hospital that was closest to me. the one she goes to is part of the same system, but i dislike the hospital and i knew she would get seen faster at the one i brought her to. i called my sister, who's cell phone wasn't working until she called me the next day. i also called my brother, who thought maybe my mom was making this up to get attention. he lives 3 minutes from the hospital and didn't even come to see her after work.

anyway, my mom was talking on and on and on. the woman cannot be silent at all. she has no filters for her thoughts anymore, so whatever she thinks, comes out. i have made it clear to her that i will not listen to her talk about anything regarding my father and their past.

i have forgiven my mother and father.

i have not forgotten, but i do not choose to revisit my painful childhood for my mother's edification.

she slipped a quick line about him past me that i ignored and went onto another subject. then she started to talk about my father and the past.

i said, "mom, i don't want to listen to this."

she says, "but, let me tell you just this one thing."

i said, "no, i will not sit here and let you slam the door on my hand again. i lived through this already when i didn't have a choice. even if you have something new to tell me about it, i still don't want to listen to this."

so, she turns away quickly while making this tongue/lip smacking noise.

i know i am going to have to continue reminding her that i do not want to listen to her negative talk about my father and the past. that is no problem, as i know she can't remember most of the time not to do it.

i was recovering from a virus the day we went to the er. the next day, i didn't see my mom, cause she was having a 4 hour stress test. after that, my daughter and i drove her home.

my tics were off the charts for about 3 days after this. i just couldn't relax. i felt so edgy and nervous. i finally calmed down yesterday and my tics were about normal.

while with my mom at the er, i felt my snotty, sarcastic inner child wanting to come out. that was my way of hiding my vulnerability when i was a child. but, i just tell my inner child she can take care of herself now and she doesn't have to listen to or do anything she doesn't want to do.

i have to give myself these little pep talks at times, just to reinforce the things i learned to do through therapy. i know some people think this "inner-child" thing is just psycho-babble. but, learning about it and following the advice of books i have read about it, really saved me from a life of emotional hell.

this disease just sucks. nobody deserves to get it. i think if my mom knew she had alzheimer's, she would be frightened. i wish she didn't have it. i wish nobody had it. it's just going to get harder, like jo said, it's a long road.

today, outside, while playing with the dogs, i cried.

i don't know for whom.

thank you all for caring,
jeannie

[Buttons2]

(((((((Jeannie)))))),hon you just go ahead & let those tears flow! I didn't realize your mom hasn't been told she has Alz. doesn't she question her failing memory?

Well at any rate you seem to have a good grip on reality,however my concern is just what role the siblings are playing? I'd be mad as a hornet if it was all left to me! You fill the void so they don't have to right? Be the good daughter forever & all that bunk. Well perhaps next time around it should be THEIR turn??

And I'm kinda familiar with how upset you are when this sets off the ticks. I wanted to throttle a dog trainer once when her actions caused me to have myoclonic jerks for hours! It's hard to deal with upsets that seem to bring on conditions we have no control over......seems like a big step backward's eh? Well this isn't the first time & most likely won't be the last,but maybe it's time to stomp your foot & say enough already. You're doing the best you can,and shoot you were sick yourself!! Even the exposure of the ER with your virus wasn't a good thing.

Simply put: take care of YOU first!

And needless to say come vent away whenever.....

[rumpled]

Seems like it is time to get the siblings together, get the power of attorney signed and use your mother's estate to pay for her help for her to ease your burden as they are not kicking in any help and it is detrimental to your health.
If there is a local alzheimer's society, contact them to get some help in setting things up and get all the legalities worked out now, if they have not been done already. Hire some aides to sit with her so they can listen to that.
You deserve to cry - this disease is so tough. It is so unfair. Reach out for help. (hug)

[Jo6]

Hello Jeannie, Buttons & Jennifer. All of you are right, this disease is pure hell! It will wreck a family quicker than any thing I know. Jeannie, does your Mom have insurence of any kind? Medicare? Just throwing out things here. She should have something to take the brunt of the finanical part for her? If you haven't already, start calling and find out. It could save you a lot of heart ache.
Tootsie knows more about this side of the situation than I do, but all together we should be able to help find the right people to help out.

About the siblings, honey, I do not know a family that doesn't have the "sibling syndrome". In other words, they have plenty of advice, free to tell you how to handle things, but nothing that will help share the load.

Jeannie, I don't know anything about your family besides what you have told us. I will stick my neck out and if I cross the line, tell me so. I'm thinking you were talking about your brother taking the finanical part of things, take that one off you. Well, if he doesn't care enough to check in on her do you feel comfortable with him handling the money? Put things where they need to go?
I've had first hand knowledge of this issue. It can be disasterious(?) I helped my brother settle things, some before and all of the after for my Mom. I was shocked, angry, so angry I felt I could have done some bodily harm a few times!! A sister was "going to get a lawyer", she wanted to know exactly what was spent and why etc. lol My brother and I spent much money to get house ready to sell. Our own money.

It has been more or less the way things have been for K and his siblings.I think the reason K and I have been at each others throat, the stress from this. It goes like this, "you stole all Mom's money, you TOOK POA from her??" What sense does this make? At least K and I have come to terms with our life, at least most of the time. K could not believe what they were saying and doing behind his back. He just "shot the messanger" ME, not wanting to confront them.

Well, this isn't about me, but we all are still trying to deal with things and get slaped around for trying to do whats right. If you feel well enough to take this on, try to get all the "power stuff" in your name. MIL has been living with us and finally the NH for over 8 years. It feels like forever.

Don't get me wrong, I love MIL, but it will ruin your health if you aren't careful. As Buttons said, take care of YOU first! I am still fighting to keep my health part some where right. K and I aren't young and things happen when you get older.:eek: We both love MIL, but we both have had to stop long enough to decide what we can and can't do. I don't go to NH as much, I won't talk to his siblings about thier big brother doing every thing wrong. I try to listen to him, keep my mouth shut most of the time and "Boy Howdy"keeping my mouth shut is not an easy task for old Jo here:p

I've got to stop typing for the moment, I have a pinched nerve, so the Dr. thinks, wants me to get some test,can't type with right hand, it is annoying mostly, but does get painful at times. I will check back in, check all of you, but dear Jeannie, If you want to rant and rave here in "our house", then have at it!! We all can listen. That doesn't make anything else off limits

I miss all you girls and hope you will do kind a roll call of sorts. We are all here for the same reason. Hopefully we can learn from each other. Jeannie, take care dear, you are doing fine. I understand about your inner child. My daughter had a horrible childhood. This was from her Dad!! I didn't know this until she was early 20's. , . If you know how to take this role on, then by all means do so. Too much baggage to lug around. You deserve more from life!! Just as my daughter does. BTW, I have to tell you I did not know this until she was in her early 20's, she was anorexic, weighed 79 lbs. She was DYING.

Talk about a "family disease", that one is!! Just as Alzheimer's D. You rant and rave all you want, take care, Jo

[tic chick]

thank you all for responding!

you all really have a feeling for what people go through when one of their family has alzheimers.

nobody has told my mother she has alzheimers, for which i am glad. her psychiatrist that prescribes her medication for that says it is for "memory problems related to old age". so, my mom accepts that. she is very aware that she cannot remember things. one day, she called me and said she was going to call her doctor to see if she could get a "preliminary diagnosis" of alzheimers. i told her they can't tell for sure that she has alzheimers unless she would die and they would be able to examine her brain cells. i said they could give her basic memory tests, which she has had. i said the treatment is the same for alzheimers and memory loss, which is the medication she is taking.

usually, my brother and sister pull their share of taking care of my mom. my sister has her over her house sometimes, when her hubby goes camping with the kids or hunting, because my sister hates to be alone at night.

my brother takes her to her cardiologist, which is a long appointment, cause they wait so long to see the doctor. i am just puzzled by his contentious attitude. my mother has commented that he is very short with her and tells her what to do. i don't know what's going on with him. i trust him to take care of my mom's money. she doesn't have that much and everything would go towards her care.

that day that i took my mom to the er, was just too much, cause it all fell on me to take care of it. my sister and brother work during the day and i don't work outside the home. my sister did volunteer to take her home that night, but my mom spent the night in the hospital and went home the next morning, and my daughter and i drove her home.

you are right, jo. it is a long road. i think i am just at the start of it.

i am used to quiet a lot, since my hubby works afternoons and my adult children at home have their own pursuits. i like to garden and work around the yard. it gives me peace to just be by myself and play with the dogs, too. i go out with friends, too, whenever we get a chance to get together. it's not all bad.

being with my mom for 9 hours that day was like being with an angry, complaining person who would not stop talking. it sapped my energy and my peace. i tried to change the subject and sometimes it worked, but, as i said, it was just too much for one day.

thank you all for your caring feedback, *smallrose
jeannie

[Buttons2]

Jeannie,I'm feeling like this is "Mommie Dearest" week myself. I'm wondering if the older our mom's get the more mean & onery they become? I don't think I could do what you are doing. And am thankful I only have to put up with horrific phone conversations that keep me upset for days on end. Makes me wish I didn't even have a phone!

It crossed my mind reading just now that perhaps your brother had some other personal issues (work or whatever) going on? We all have our short fuses & our bad days right?

I'm glad you trust him on the financial issues.

Just how do they diagnose Alz?? Mental tests? I doubt I'd get anywhere with my own mom as far as her being tested,I actually believe she is mentally ill after the garbage she was spewing last night (oh,don't I regret calling her!)

I've cleaned the entire house today & got 3 hrs sleep last night,in other words I'm a wreck & STILL cannot come to terms with my mother's behavior! I know this thread isn't about me,but maybe knowing you're not alone in frustration will ease the burden? Doubtful.....huh? And now I beat myself up for being so stupid in the first place!

Perhaps we all have a "kindness curse"? Still being the good little daughter,obedient & respectful at our own risk of illness? I keep forgetting you still have children at home Jeannie,I hope they help take your mind off your mother somewhat. And I know you set an example of what family should be.

Hope you get to do some yardwork,have doggie play & that this week will be less stressful for you. And NO tic's!!

((((HUGS)))))

[Jo6]

Jennifer? Think of you often. Buttons, there are times I feel like Mommie Dearest"!:eek: Well, y'all better watch out, no telling what I would say or do! :):):):) I wrote a long post to Mummy Dearest! last night about Mummy and today I can't it any place. Sorry I lost it;)

Jeannie, perhaps we Get run over with trying to deal with this. there are days I would like to scream my head off. Well dang, maybe the powers that be thought I needed to keep my mouth a little cleaner. :p I don't want to hurt anybody, we all have too much on us as it is.

Tootsie, I miss you, but I see love and peace following you every where you go. We would be lost with you.;)

Well, this Mummie Dearest needs to get to bed, have bad headache coming on. the weather is going to change.

I miss you too, Joy. Stop in and speak to us? I'm aways so glad to see Tootsie and all the others that come. Jennifer, how is your FIL? I do think of you and your family too.

[Tootsie]

Jo, it's good to see your recent post. You always have such nice things to say about my efforts here, but I have lived this story, many years ago now. At least there are more services available now to help families with the task of caring for their loved ones.

No, our mothers do not get more ornery as they age. Mine was still basically the same loving, caring woman she had always been. I've told the story here, more than once, about the pointsettia plant I had bought for her room at the care home where I had placed her. It was one of those 99 cent ones that they sell in 4" pots at the large chain drug stores. When I visited her, it wasn't there and when I asked the caregivers about it, they told me that she had taken it down to a woman who wasn't feeling well and had been in bed the past few days. I cried because in the midst of all that garbled speech and confusion, she was still thinking of someone else and trying to be helpful.

What an example she set for me and I'm in tears as I remember. Cheerio.

[Jo6]

thats the one, about your Mom taking flowers to one lady, but you also were kind to so many more. The whole store is very touching. You are a fine lady, Tootsie, you'll surely have many stars in your crown one day. ((((Tootsie))))

Yes, you have been traveling this road a very long time. Take care, jo