living with a recovering abuser

[Kashis]

The real Krissi now what do you choose
This is me
Hi my name is Krissi an this is me I have been beaten and abused by a whole family I thought this was normal and ran away then I got out I found away I got pregnant at 14 and found some one who would always love me to make the hurt go away and to comfort me but little did I know he came from an abusive family He thought this was normal just as me the cycle goes on as you will see



We drank an did many drugs the abuse started we were to young the abuse grew stronger and little did I know this wasn't right it wasn't normal I called for lots of help back then from everyone who said they were there that they were my friend no one came no one called I was stuck in abuse and took many falls

Now after 22 yrs all has changed its was 9 yrs ago I stopped the pain I sent him to jail and shocked him to all reality that I was human this wouldn't be never again would he try to kill me He called on the phone and said to me not what I always heard not that he was sorry

But the words he said I never expected I have a disease thats been neglected

I didn't know that this was wrong and I want to get help I will do it alone I will do it myself but if I do can we try to make things better and leave the past behind It took years and my brain was injured to complicated and damaged I had to list all the memories of all the bullsh**t

I faced him eye to eye and told him I couldn't ask why as there was no answer there was no way to explain why I was beat so bad it affected my brain day in and out for seven years I had to search and search and cry many tears I had to live with it all again with the man who did this being my only friend

He got his help I will not lie its taken years and I am still alive I don't live in fear or anger no more I let the past go its buried and dead that person I married was the man I met

so many days of so much pain and now dealing with living with trouble with my brain we came together and he helped me through I belive him again when he says I love you

There will never be many like me that has an abuser get the help he needs I was lucky and don't recommed staying with an abuser but nobody would help me way back when

I didn't have the choices that victims all do there weren't shelters for me to turn to I didn't just go back in any easy way I lived in fear for 7 yrs day by day by day

But I am a survivor in a whole differnt way I have risen above and left the violent way Just becasue I chose to stay doesn't mean I don't want in home terrorism to stop in anyway

We are all different and can't take it no more my choice to live was dying on my home floor I wasn't gonna take it the cycle had to be broke I wasn't going to be abused I wasn't going to have my jaw broke

We were so young I don't think either one of us knew better we have been through hell and back and grew together its been 22 yrs since the day we began to walk down the aisle hand in hand

In home terrorism out of my life cause he got the help to see me as a mother a friend and a wife not someone to throw me around smash my face into the door as I am so hurt and falling to the floor

So what I write I am still with this man he spent years getting the help to step up and stand

So by running this page am I wrong becasue I am telling you to get out and move on I took it for a very long time I almost died to open my eyes

now I see so many others that have lost there friends there sisters there mothers

I have Survived in many ways but some may not think so as I am with a recovering abuser today



So does that make me a bad person for wanting to fight for it to stop I lived it all my life going through what many still do I don't want this to happen anymore I have been black and blue

Its not going to stop it won't go away the abuser has a disease and don't see it that way

He will tourcher you in everyway an knows what buttons to push to keep you at his feet do as your told or your going to get beat

I don't want anyone in the danger that I once was I couldn't get out at that time I tried what I thought was the chance

but now I am posting helpful information here on the web and listining to what you went through some of you have stopped the black and blue some by leaving and getting away



But some still are out there and choose to stay what my kids saw and they remember is just awful to me what I was dumb enough to take and let them see

So just because things are ok for me I highly suggest get out get freed

Call me a hypocrite as I lived through

but I see nothing wrong with trying to help you I understand I was there I know how to listen I know how to care I remember the pain know the flashbacks to I still jump at the drop of a spoon

I have learned how to live in a different way no violence no abuse I made sure this will never happen again and now its my turn to spread what I learned by experience and faith I was you once I was in your place

I will do everthing to help you cope

but its now up to you to decide if I am a joke

so now you know I am still married but the life of violence Is now gone he got the help and I grew strong

But now i have the option to make a change for all the things I ever wanted but couldn't rearrange I am now here because it still mattered No more wounds no more black eyes I will help you out of all the lies

I want to help do what I never could get out get help and make you better because if there Is anything I have learned through this all is I really do matter




I am so hurt about the magazine drop I decied to write this

[tic chick]

krissi,

i am SO sorry. the woman is full of sh*t. sorry, i had to say that, cause she is.

you are not living with an abuser! you are living with a man who USED to abuse. i know you are probably one of the few women whose abusive husband actually got help, turned his life around and still loves you and does not abuse you anymore. i am sure things are not perfect, but, YOU STILL ARE A SURVIVOR!

when i was abused as a child, by my father, i had no choice but to stay home and take it, because i was a child and could not go anywhere away from the abuse. back then, it was called discipline, but to discipline means to teach, and the abuse didn't teach me anything except that it was WRONG!

once i was 17, i fought back. i said i would go to the police the next time he hit me. he never hit me again, because he knew enough about police and didn't want them coming to his house. that would have been an embarrassment. he is from another country and police were to be feared there.

by the time i married and left home at age 23, my mother had divorced my father. i went through years of counseling, reliving the pain, fighting to tell myself that i was GOOD, that i hadn't deserved to be beaten.

then i forgave.

then i healed.

that is what i think you have done, krissi. and then someone tells you that you still live with an abuser?

no.

you don't.

i understand where you are coming from. you are not a fraud for living with your husband who USED TO abuse you. keep writing in your myspace column and making people aware of domestic violence. keep being a voice for survivors. keep writing information to help abused women and others.

BECAUSE IT IS RIGHT!

keep looking for other opportunities. the magazine is not the only place you can make a difference.

you have already made a difference. be proud of that.

and be proud of the man who realized what he was doing was wrong and changed his ways.

you have nothing to be ashamed of.

2010 jeannie

[Kashis]

Thank you Jeannie you have made me cry your words really touched me so much that I felt so much better I felt so judged by this lady I was going to close the page she is as old as my oldest daughter and I have come to the conclusion she is childish and hasn't responded to my emails and is ignoring me I have to think of this as her loss and who wants to write for a dv magazine that spotlights bands and not even once mentions the hotline or people who have died etc..... I don't think she ever read my page at all

I thank you for being a good friend and giving me a shoulder to cry on so to say I came out and feel good about it I posted a bulliten and a blog on my page with the same storie so all know now its out in the open an I will keep going on and all it took was your words and some comments I have recieved today

I did start looking into my own magazine or book and working to still make a change she didn't even mention changing laws in her new magazine I mean really none of the topics I have touched on has she mentioned which makes me feel she has alot to learn

I know what you mean about the discipline part as thats what I was told it was too and I did call the cops it didn't matter now in this day in age it does matter
THANK GOD FOR THAT

I did read your comment to my husband and it made him feel good to as he needs to be reminded to he did come along way and someone more then me can appreciate that

I just want people to learn from my mistakes and given the chance I never had and to help them get that chance that was my whole goal my life isn't the subject its saving lives as I am still alive and have a chance to make a change

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR NOT JUDGING ME
I so want to post her letters on here but nah its a waste of time I have bigger and better stars to reach and I prayed from the day I was asked to write if it was the right thing and ya know I got my answer it wasn't my time to go this route in time I will make a bigger difference Hugs a bunch Krissi

[cheyriver]

Krissi,

I also think that woman (magazine)is full of sh**!

Most abusive men won't admit they have a problem or seek help. Your husband did and it sounds like he's come a long way.

I think you are doing a wonderful job of helping others out there who are abused or have been abused. Keep up with posting on facebook and I believe there will be plenty of oppurtunities out there to have your voice heard.

[jess2002]

Krissi well done to you for trying to help others some people just can't be helped. You stood by your man because deep down you still loved him there is nothing wrong with that. Jess

[Buttons2]

((((((HUGS))))))Krissi,I think you should be proud of yourself & your husband for overcoming so much & being a strong survivor. Seems to me this is a remarkable story of love.

[Kashis]

physical and verbal abuse
Changed or Not Changed?
by Brenda Branson
"Beware of the temptation to gauge change by means of the perpetrator's church-going behavior. Going to church is not good enough . . . does not prove that he is no longer going to hurt her." —Anonymous

Signs That He Has Changed
He is willing to wait however long it takes for her trust in him to be rebuilt, and does not pressure her to forgive or reconcile until she is ready.
He does not say or do things that threaten or frighten her.
He listens to and respects her opinion, even if he disagrees.
She can express anger or frustration toward him without being punished or abused.
He respects her "no" in all situations, including physical contact.
He does not prevent her from spending time with friends and family, and does not punish her later.
He is willing to continue counseling as long as necessary.
He takes responsibility for his actions, and does not blame her for his bad behavior.
He is kind and attentive instead of being demanding and controlling.
When he becomes frustrated or angry, he does not take it out on his wife or children.
When he fails, he admits his mistake and takes responsibility for changing abusive behavior.
He admits to his abusive behavior, and stops trying to blame or cover up.
He acknowledges that all the abuse was wrong, and identifies all the ways he used to justify his abusive behavior.
He acknowledges that his abusive behavior was not a loss of control, but a choice on his part.
He recognizes and is able to verbalize the effects of his abuse on his spouse and children.
He identifies attitudes of entitlement or superiority, and talks about the tactics he used in maintaining control. He replaces distorted thinking with a more positive and empathetic view.
He consistently displays respectful behavior toward his wife and children.
He wants to make amends for the harm he has caused.
He is committed to not repeating his past behavior, and realizes it will be a life-long process.
He is willing to hear feedback and criticism, is honest about his failures, and is willing to be held accountable for abusive thinking and behavior.
"Completion of a batterer's intervention program class by a man does not mean his victim is safe or that he has stopped being abusive. While men may learn tools for acting nonviolently, research indicates that many men continue to be abusive, even if they change their tactics." —Embracing Justice: A Resource Guide for Rabbis on Domestic Violence

He Has Not Changed If . . .
He blames her or others for his behavior.
He uses guilt to manipulate her into dropping charges or keeping silent.
He does not faithfully attend his treatment program.
He pressures her to let him move back in before she is ready.
He will not admit he was abusive.
He convinces others that she is either abusive or crazy.
He demands to know where his spouse is and whom she is with.
He uses her behavior as an excuse to treat her badly.
He continues to use sarcasm or verbal abuse, talk over his wife, and shows disrespect or superiority.
He does not respond well to complaints or criticism of his behavior when he slips back into abusive behavior.
He continues to undermine her authority as a parent, and her credibility as a person.
His mindset about women has not changed, even though he avoids being abusive.
He criticizes his spouse for not realizing how much he has changed.
Copyright © 1998 Brenda Branson, BrokenPeople.org. Used with permission.

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