So heart broken

[debhun]

My daughter #3 came up from Fl this week end for a wedding. she stayed at my moms cause I smoke. I have no trouble and understand to a point. Any ways I didn't go over to much for all of my kids and their kids where there just to much. And she was with her sisters. Well Last night I went over to spend a little time after every one had gone home. I learned a lot. She and I was very close at one time and then she moved to Fla where her dad lives. Well things had been said this and that. She don't call me at any time. I just found out she really don't want me to go and stay with her. She thinks I am a drugy and a low down person. I told her that I was doing the best I had in a long time. and that is when she said I was a drugy. That Pm was just for addices and they never make them well just give them more drugs. I was so hurt. I would do any thing for any of my kids. She really hurt me by saying what she did. She was talking about having kids. I told her I would come and help her. She said not you on drugs. My dad can do it. So I didn't say any thing I just let it all go. I didn't want to start any thing. I guess I really don't have any of my kids. None ever come over. Well sorry for the vent. Some times I just want to leave and never come back. But no car no$$$ no gas.


Deb

[shotspine]

Deb....
I'm so sorry your daughter is treating you like that. I can relate as I have only one daughter but she treats me much the same. She has 4 kids (2 are adults, youngest is 14) and no one seems to ever have any time to help me. She's never directly said anything about my taking meds and I thought she was fine with it as she's had several surgeries and has taken morphine post surgery. She sees and knows the pain issues I have.

BUT.....she has a 5 y/o Rottweiller who is just a great dog. He has severe hip problems and the vet told her she may have to put him on morphine for the pain. My daughter said......"I would rather put him to sleep than have him laying around stupid from morphine". I almost lost it. If that is how she feels about her beloved dog, I can only imagine what she is thinking, but not saying, to me.

I wish I could give you the magic answer, as I could use myself. I can offer complete empathy though.

((((((((((((((((((((((Deb))))))))))))))))))))

ss

[Pamster]

Oh that is just so cold. I feel terrible for you both! I am lucky my family mostly understands, I think it's because mom was as anxious for the morphine they gave me after my accident to kick in as I was to get rid of as much of the pain as possible. SO she's very understanding about it. I wish people would educate themselves on the effects of opiates for dependant people like us and how it's working on the pain NOT making us stupid and in a daze like it would if THEY (people without pain) were to take the same dosage or even less.

I hope both of your daughters will change their minds about their views soon, it's not fair to look at either of you that way just because you take medication to cope with daily unbearable pain. :( My heart goes out to you both. :(

[suede]

Deb,
I am so sorry that your daughter has chosen to treat you so badly..
I know how much it hurts, my kids are really great about my meds and all but there was a time when we had a major falling out over something else and the things that was said to and about me almost killed me.

My advice to you would be this no matter how bad your feelings are hurt right now, I would make a point of staying in touch with her and my other children, if you can't talk on the phone fine write loving expressive letters to them and show them you are of sane mind and that you still have feelings, you don't have to go in to talking about the pain or health issues, stay on topics that are light.

Be sure not to miss any holidays send cards and when you can send little I'm thinking of You and I miss You cards.

It sounds to me as if dear old day is laying some head trips out there so just do the best you can to be the loving Mother you are.

Hugs,
Linda

[LKAHMS]

Deb, I am really sorry to hear about your daughter and her behavior towards you.
God forbid one day she ever has pain like you do and needs help with it from a Dr. and needs to be on meds that is the only way she would understand what you are going through and no one would wish that on anyone else.
But it's the old walk a mile in my shoes thing.

With kids and some family it's hard to keep anything secret....I have learned in the past that it's best to keep your meds secret.
There is really no one that needs to know but your family and even some family members it's better they don't know.

I remember 5 yrs ago when I told my Aunt I was on Kadian she screamed into the phone that I was on my way to alcohol and illegal drug addictions...good luck ever getting off it.
I hung up the phone and cried. That was not true.
At that time i needed it for my pain and it helped.

Anyways, I am sorry your daughter hurt you.
Hopefully she will look back some time soon and regret having treated you this way.
Esp. if she has children she will need her Mom then.

[911]

(((((((((((((((((deb))))))))))))))) i am so sorry you have been treated so poorly buy your own child , that just plain sucks and i know from my own personal exsperiances with my family , my kids ( 14 y/o twins ) dont really dont know what to think they have heard so much bad about me as well from everyone in there life , it sux to feel like you have been abandoned i dont know if you got the PM or e-mail i sent but the website addy i sent theres alot of folks that have been right where we are and have been , these people both here and there have gotten me thru alot of bad times and suicidal feelings . i am sorry so sorry god i know how you feel and when i read what you wrote my heart sank and it brought me back to times past , times are diffrent for me now but if it were not for my chance meeting with my now fiancee sandra i would likely have ended it all i couldnt handle the pain both emotional and physical , there is something to be said for physical pain by and in itself being mind altering so so much for the meds were on infact the meds i am on do not even affect me anymore so go figure ,,,,((((((((((( hugz an love ))))))))))) Dave ,,,,,,,,, aka ,,,,,,,911 ( note the 911 came from a time in my life when i was where you are now deb feeling rejected )

[Nana4&cntn]

Deb, how devastating for you! My children may have concerns about my meds, but would NEVER say such hurtful and mean things to me.

I just cannot imagine the amount of pain you are in! I have an Aunt and a friend who both have problems with the meds I take and have told my Mom and some family members that I am a Druggy! That really hurt and the so called friend is no longer in my life. My Aunt will always be there.

I agree with Linda (suede) keep in touch, send the "thinking of you cards" and all holidays. I have always made all family activities regardless of how I am feeling. I may not be able to stay as long as I would like, but know how important it is to my family and myself.

Spotshine and Dave, I am also sorry for the hurt you have and still are in. Parenthood is such a tight rope at times, unconditional love is something a lot of people take for granted. Most of us know just how important it is.

Take care,
Kathy

[GardeniaGirl]

I know all too well what judgement and rejection from family feels like.

So...I am very sorry to hear about your daughter's attitude.

To me, as an outsider, she just sounds extremely uninformed about pain medications (as are many, many people in our country).

I am wondering if she is being fed negative information about you from someone else....and is just using the pain medication as an excuse for rejecting you being involved in her life more.

Anyway -- maybe you will have a way to sort that out someday.

I know pain and illness has severely complicated all of my family relationships - they weren't strong to begin with, and then my illness revealed how lacking in strength they truly were.

Take care and hang in there -
GG

[Mary Diane]

You know how there was always 1 mom on the block who had all the kids hanging out at her house all the time? I have to confess, it was me!!! I never had homemade cookies, or anything like that for them, it was strictly storebought and kool-aid. PB&J or bologna on white with the crusts left on, hey, I wasn't going to bother cutting them off, LMAO. Or during the really flush months, $5 pizzas from Little Caesar's. But I always had time to listen to the kids tell about what happened in school, or at play, or home, or where-ever; and I always had time for a hug, and a smile, a word of encouragement or a scold, whatever they needed. I'll bet you were like that. They are right, keep in touch with your kids, and when those grandbabies come, those kids are going to want YOU to be in charge of their little bundle of joy, just like you were for them.

Love and one-armed hugs,

Mary Diane *cg06

[slipnslide]

Debhun,

I have two teenage daughters, 14 & 16. My 14 yr old was in the same car as me when we were rear ended 2 1/2 yrs ago. She sustained whiplash, went through 10 weeks PT, then was released....but to this day, she still complains of neck, shoulder, and back pain off and on. Once in a while she will have a day where it keeps her from hanging with friends or participating in an activity, instead she will take Advil and lay down in bed. My 16 yr old had such an attitude over the past couple years (I guess normal for her age:rolleyes:), but she also said some mean and hurtful things. She's said stuff about me being lazy and laying around in pain all the time, that I wasn't fun like I used to be, she's remarked about the drugs I take, etc. Finally, last summer, she moved 800 miles away to live with her dad because of what I had become in her eyes:(. Unfortunately, last winter she was a passenger in a car that was rear-ended at a light. She wound up being taken to the hospital the next morning because of neck & back pain. After Xrays and an MRI were done, she was diagnosed with Whiplash, given pain meds, a muscle relaxer, and an anti-inflammatory. Later that week she called me in tears, apologizing for all the mean things she had said, and for not having understood the amount of pain whiplash could cause and that a person could have pain like that every day of their life. She moved back home to live with me over Spring Break, and during that time she noticed me jerk my body & grimace with each shooting pain. Each time she'd ask: "mom, are you ok?", and the one time my younger daughter was present and she said: "Kail, it's ok, mommy always does that, she's ok". Unfortunately, both my daughters now understand neck & back pain. Them having experienced similar pain has made them more understanding, but I hate that for them:(! I think we all wish that those around us will be understanding to what we deal with on a daily basis, but without them having to experience it first hand. I feel for you ...your daughter's words are demeaning and hurtful.:( I hope that she gains a better understanding of what you deal with as she matures and experiences life, but I pray she never has to experience it herself in order to gain that compassion and understanding

Best wishes,

Kim

[Mark N]

Deb and everyone else with hurtful family, I am sorry that you are dealing with this ignorant attitude because that's what it really is. Your daughter is acting on information that isn't accurate and even worse her behavior is hurting you.

As I hear more stories I feel even more blessed with my children. I wish all families could be more loving towards each other but family relationships are complicated as they are a result of the past along with the current situations in the family. It is amazing that most of us work through these bad times to become closer to each other later on. I hope you do keep in touch and give her time but remember that you can only do something about your own life and lead it the best that you can.

[Buttons2]

Deb & everyone else with cruel children: I know those nasty words were not meant to hurt you,I think they just feel frustrated & angry cause they lost the mom they used to have. Just like we feel about losing our health & having to deal with constant pain.

It was wrong for her to say mean things to you-but I agree 100% she's getting this from ex most likely. Plus her hormones are wacky right now & she needs you but doesn't feel it would be safe to have you around her baby.

We all go through this to some extent. You have to let it go.....not easy I'm sure but deep down inside our children do love us just as we love them.

I also agree to keep up the communication in any way that works for you.

Nobody knows our pain unless they walk in our shoes. We've all had friends that judged & didn't understand. Friends can be lost forever-family cannot.I know for myself I used to also judge those on alot of meds.....sometimes we get back what we once put out ya know? Being disabled in any way makes us compassionate & understanding. We took our own health for granted-this is normal. Try to see this from her perspective,she can't SEE your pain,thus she might feel you are faking it for drugs. I'm not excusing her behavior-just stating what is likely going on in her mind.

You hang in there,have faith that better days are ahead. All those years of love & caring will not be forgotten. Be patient. Life isn't a bowl of cherries & I assure you someday she will realize that.

Maybe I'm fortunate to have son's? I keep my health issues to myself. They have never seen me have a horrid myoclonic jerking session......they of course have noticed my weight gain & how I hold onto a post to walk down a couple of steps. They realize I am no longer the person I used to be. They know I gave up driving. If they have a question I'll answer it but I never volunteer to much info.

Mother/daughter relationships are hard even with the best of health don't ya think?

Don't be giving up on this,better days are ahead.We might be considered lazy/crazy but at least we are alive & in the end that's all that counts. Miracles do happen.

(((((((HUGS to all))))))and it's a good thing we have BT so we can vent.

[debhun]

Thank you all for the kind words and the hope for the days ahead. And it is the X. I should have said nothing about my health when she called and ask how I was doing? I didn't know she didn't want to hear. But now I do and I don't say nothing to her. But she don't call either. But when she is up from Fl I will talk small talk but that is all. We were so close. She would tell me that other tell her that she had a cool mom. But cool mom don't do things like she did and more. One of my most critcits told me {I don't know what your doc has you on but it was woked wonders for you. You are doing alot better.} That would be my mom. She now understands. Took her long time. I hope that my daughter and I can get back what we lost. Take it one day at a time.
You all don't know how much you all mean to me. It is good to have someone to help me if it is a Big or small troubles. You are there with both hands out to pick me up or just to make me smile. Thank you each and every one of you on this board. as you know you are my Only friends I have.
I was in walmart and I seen this Box of cards. I though how great it would be to send out cards to you all.

Thank you all
Deb

[Mary Diane]

but I think that the mother/daughter relationship is the greatest thing in the world. I am the only daughter with 4 brothers, and my mom and I are extremely close. She was an only daughter, too. My grandma used to say, "A son is your son until he takes a wife, but your daughter's your daughter all of your life." I always thought that was strange until I got older, and then I understood just what it meant.

Most of my sils get along great with my mom, there's just one who can't stand the sight of her, LOL. Mom and the ex-wife still get along fine. Any way, sons will usually side with the wife, right or wrong, and the daughters will either try to be the peacemaker or side with the mother, after taking the dh aside and telling him he is absolutely right but she has to let mom have her own way just this once, please, ok? and shed a few tears.

My girls love me to death, and they still get frustrated with my disabilities at times. They hate that I can't do the things I want to do, the pain I'm in, and the fact that I will never get better. This is when I tell them I need some alone time. Dang, I can only take so much comforting, ya know, LMAO.

Sometimes I think that it's not that our loved ones believe the worst about us, it's that they don't want to believe that we are suffering. They don't want to acknowledge our disabilities and frailties, because then they have to face the fact that we are not immortal, and that scares the crap out of them. Nothing could have prepared my girls for the loss of their dad, and he was 66. It was totally unexpected, he had dealt with cp issues for years, and was going to be wheelchair bound, and died of a massive heart attack. Our kids can't prepare themselves for it, no matter what age they are, no matter what condition the parent is in, it is still going to hurt.

Back to my point Deb, I believe that your daughters do love you, and that soon they will come back to you. Just keep your heart and arms open for them, and soon they will be back where they belong. And dad will get kicked to the curb and trampled in the dirt where he deserves to be. No parent should EVER run down or belittle another, there ought to be a law.

Love and one-armed hugs,

Mary Diane *cg06


PS
Sorry for rambling on so, but does anyone know Vicc? RSD? He posted the other day that it was his last post as he his dying, and will not be posting anymore. He is/was a good man and friend.

[Spiney]

I have a daughter of much the same mind. Pastor's wife to boot. "I would be healed if I were living right and truely had faith". My grands are now 13 and almost 16 and they have never spent a night alone in my apartment. I am an inproper influence.

I have no answerers. I was/am a good mother and raised the girls well in spite of their father (ordained minister) who walked out on us for another woman and provided no support to speak of. As we all know, sometimes life just isnt fair. Best wishes.

[A.K.]

I want to add a point of view that's a little bit different on this subject in general about the children and teenagers getting so upset with CP parents and medication use.

I have been a CP patient for four years, 46 yrs old but never had the blessing of having a child. I say that so that you Mom's know my "super maternal hormones" never had the opportunity to kick in.:p

As I read these posts I thought about two aspects:

1) These children have lived there lives hearing "just say no" to drugs at school, at home and on the tv. The anti-drug campaigns that started up early to mid 80's have been very graphic. Remember the one about the scrambled eggs and "this is your brain on drugs". The A&E program Intervention has been running for years now too. The kids especially the younger or more tender hearted ones may really believe that they are suppose to tell us to STOP! They also may be angry that we are taking what has been drilled into their heads as an absolute NO-NO.

2) Don't ever forget that they live with a huge lose everyday just like we do! They don't feel the pain we do but they do feel the consequences. There lives have never been the same either. Anger among loved ones comes out in it's most raw forms and often a subject is picked to dwell on and stress on that is not what they really want to be saying to the loved on at all. Could it be that it is easier for the child to be upset with the drugs rather than be upset with the parent they dearly love and deep down knows can't do anything to change their situation. They must very often feel helpless.

I hope I have not made this harder for anyone but being a non-mom has given me a little bit of "in-between" insight on these things and I hope that it will help someone. God bless and may this me the best day each of you have had in months and months and may tomorrow be even better! AK

[welsh]

To all you moms out there who are being treated harshly and unfairly by their kids/families how I wish they could read my post right now,then maybe theyd change their minds and realise what theyve got before its too late !!! I say this because you see I DONT have a mom or in fact a father or any other sort of family except my own 4 kids and my husband !! And its through NO fault of my own, the only think I was guilty of was speaking up about all the horrendous abuse I lived and went through during the first 17yrs of my life and for a number of years after as they all still tried controlling me, until they finally choose to stand by my abuser(s) and protect them and then totally disowned me and my children n hubby !!!! So you see everyone I cant quiet believe how on earth they could treat you all this way, as Ive spent all my life yearning and craving for some parental love and all that goes with it !! And boy how I wish I had someone there for me now, someone for me to lean on,talk too,spend sometime with, other than my kids and husband !!! I hope to god for their sakes as much as your own these children of yours come to their senses sooner rather than later guys and well before its too late, but then again they`ll only have themselves to blame for allowing themselves to be brainwashed and listening to hear say instead of being grown up about it and doing the decent thing like talking to you people openly and calmly about it and if neccessary for their own piece of mind accompaning you to the doctors one time in order to get the right information, instead of listening to all sorts of scare mongering over their own flesh and bloods !!!! Disgraceful they outta be ashamed of themselves and apologize right now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry if that seems or sounds harsh, but I just find some peoples behaviours so darn unbelieveable sometimes !! They should try living in our shoes just for one day and then theyd soon change their minds and then some!!!!!

Demi aka Welsh

[Buttons2]

I'm thinking if it's appropriate to ask doc to write a letter to pass on to children that don't understand the use of drugs for pain. Doctor's need to be a part of the overall picture,they need to do whatever possible to bridge that gap with the family members.

I realize this will take a compassionate doctor but perhaps some of you are lucky in that respect?

Just a thought.

Demi,I agree they should apologize......my first thought was they need their face slapped actually. Since that's not likely to happen-they need something to balance what they've been told by the ignorant ones out there & that includes the drug czar attitude.

[welsh]

They just dont seem to know just how darn lucky they are to have mothers n fathers that care about them and love them unconditionally !!!! I mean they need to flammin well grow up and realise the true suffereing thats going on before their very eyes !!!! If my kids can be grown up about it, understand it,and still be respectfull and caring about it at their ages (all teenagers) then why the hell can grown up children, many with kids themselves do and be the same,after all theyre supposedly old enough to understand and should know better!!!!! Demi aka welsh

[stef80]

Just wanted to let ya know you are not alone....
It is hard to deal with pain and the craziness that comes with it and then family members who think less of us.....
We are all here for ya....
i hope things get better with you and your daughter....
and wanted to put in
BIG HUGS for ya too....;)