Some thoughts

[kcfrnf]

Hi out there,
Just had a few thoughts. Been trying to go back to find out why I am who I am, and in doing so have discovered things that happened a long long time ago still affecting me today. How does one go about putting those things to rest and moving on. And in moving on, how much does one have to leave behind. It almost sounds like a riddle to me. Solve the mystery and take two steps forward, miss a part and take two steps back, on the board game of life. And then there is the card that says do not past Go, what then?
Has anyone played the game before.... and won? I need some help
Kim:confused:

[Ponygirl]

:eek:Yup!! Your post, could've, been mine! I'm still trying to figure
it out, but, wanted ya to know, I'm right, there, myself!:rolleyes::p:o

Phyllis

[kcfrnf]

Thanks phyllis, it is nice to know that there are others travelling similar paths. I am sorry any of us have to follow this road, but I feel like today I have made a couple of steps in the right direction. I have said good bye to an addiction this morning... with God's help of course, as I don't think I could have otherwise. But I finally realized I was using my addition as emotional and physical support. I thought it could fill up a hole that I had. I now know that only I can fill that hole, only myself. To depend on others and things to do that is wrong. I have to let my own person be to me, what it was meant to be. My freind, I have to accept myself for the person I am now and the person I will become. I can't let outside influences determine who I am, like I was doing. My addiction was becoming who I was... and I didn't like that, and it was preventing the people closest to me from entering. My husband, my children were being kept at arms length to allow my addictions to be closer... I am sorry to them for that. But in this one single step, for one moment I feel free... and I know it won't be easy and I don't know if I can even make it through the day... but for now, right now..... I am giving it up... saying good bye.... someday I will be able to make amends for eveything, I hope. I am not following any specific step program, though I have been reading them. I need to find a support group, but since there are none within access to my house, I will be using these forums to ramble all of it out.... Please bear with me folks... as I learn to fill my tank with all that is good and all that is honest and not with what I had been previously using...
Kim

[houghchrst]

Congratulations Kim. Yes some days it is a matter of getting by from moment to moment. We can't look at it day by day because often it seems so much bigger than we are so moment by moment makes it manageable.

I do not know what your particular addiction is but I am sure that there may be an online group specifically for it if you look, or have you and had no luck. Anyway, good for you for a great start.

It can be hard to fill the hole that is left behind when you rid yourself of that soul eating addiction. Love can fill it, love for your family, yourself, God, the new you. Let that fill it.

Healing from our past is one of the hardest things that we may ever do. Here is a link that I hope may help.

http://www.life-with-confidence.com/confidencethinking-beyond-suffering.html

[kcfrnf]

Christina, that was a great website, thank you for the link. It has a lot of great articles on it. My addiction is a relationship one, (online), but one I realize was not helping me. It was all comsuming, and a fix I needed daily. It was interferring in my actual real relationships, with family, spouse, friends. And it was making me believe that my life was terrible and the only good thing was the online one. I had myself believing that nothing would measure up with what I had online, and in turn it was dragging everything else down. I thought the problems in my actual marriage was the reason I turned to the online relationship, when really it was the online one that was causing the problems the other and not vice versa. I don't know if i can fix all that has gone wrong in my marriage but I have had to let go of the online addiction. I have had to let go of the fantasy and the feelings that were created. I've had to let go of things that happened in the past growing up that had lowered my feelings of self worth, and I have to see if a the bond that was once in my marriage can be recreated. I now realize my reasons for getting married in the first place may not have been healthy ones to begin with, maybe I used that to fill up the voids that existed from childhood too, and when I felt it couldn't I found other things that I thought did. I can see now, that I have been searching for solutions in all the wrong places. I have been searching out external solutions to an internal problem. The link to the Confidence website, was good, as in just the little bit of reading I did there, I now realize that the journey to happiness, is the same one I am taking to self.... and all I can do is one step at a time... on foot in front of the other...
thanks for giving me another footstep.
Kim

[houghchrst]

Kim I am so glad that it helped. You are really making leaps and bounds in such a short time. It really shows how ready and devoted you are to making changes. I applaud you for your effort and dedication.

[kcfrnf]

Hi, not sure I'm making leaps and bounds, but I have made a few decisions. I wrote on a letter this morning asking for a leave of absense from my job for the summer. My parents have a cottage at the beach in New Brunswick that no one has used the last couple of summers. I am going to ask if I can go and stay there for the two months, if will give me a chance to be alone and work on this journey I am taking. It will give me a chance to work on health issues as well, my compuslive eating, and give me a chance to exercise at my own pace as there are miles of beach to walk on. After the summer I might be able to come to terms with my marriage and the direction it needs to take and my life in general. At 52, it is about time I knew who I as and what I want to make me happy. I have to learn not to depend on others for those things. I have to be able to accept and love myself. Being at the cottage I hope I can read, and write, rest and exercise. Learn to eat only when I am hungry, and sleep when I am tired. Whether all my plans come to be I don't know... but the first step will be getting the necessary time off work. I work in a nursing home, alzheimers unit, as a caregiver. Perhpaps that is even part of my issues, because not only do I give all at home, I give all at work.. perhaps it is time to stop giving to others and give to me.
It is another nice wet day here on the Eastern seaboard, and the grass is growing like mad. But unless it dries up, it won't get mowed. Maybe by the weekend, I will get a chance to work outside. There is therapy in digging in the dirt, and gardening I have found.
I hope everyone is having a good day, and that your stuggles are few. I am glad I found this outlet, it has truely helped in more ways than I can say.
take care all and hope you are like me, learning to love yourself.
hugs
kim

[houghchrst]

Hi Kim sounds like an excellent plan. I envy you your place to go.

Gardening is one thing that I found to be very therapeutic when I got clean and sober. I love the smell of good fresh turned dirt and the satisfaction of growing something beautiful.

I saw someone today from my rehab days. She has been through a really rough time but has gotten some significant clean time. Now she is dealing with mental and physical health issues.

Sad but I got clean and sober and thought wow, my life is on track and it is smooth sailing from here. Well life is still a trial just now I am better equipped to deal with things.

I really hope things work out for you and your family.

[kcfrnf]

Hi all, I work today from 4-10. I hope it helps clear my mind. Today has been day of feeling jumbled. I went to bed for most of the afternoon. It seems the only way to shut off thoughts sometimes...
:confused: or a good escape...lol
hope your days are going well...
hugs
kim

[houghchrst]

HI Kim, yes I did a lot of sleeping during my recovery. Helps to deal with the depression.

Have you considered counseling, I can't remember if I asked and I am recovering from surgery so I am trying to make this quick and don't want to go back to look lol. Having someone to at least go to so you can vent may go a long way to release a lot of stress.

Have a great weekend.

[waves]

Hi, sorry for barging in.

Christina Thank you for this link. I may read it periodically to help keep my goals on track :confused: Anyway, thank you. I have been knocked out half-sleeping but my parents are getting sick of it; i don't know where to turn. when i am not sleeping or thereabouts my nervous system is a total mess. i can't even eat. and i am not dealing with substance addiction... more of a ... "psychological hangup?" which could be seen as a type of addiction when processed and reprocessed... year after year, even if not constantly... never let go.

Healing from our past is one of the hardest things that we may ever do. Here is a link that I hope may help.

http://www.life-with-confidence.com/confidencethinking-beyond-suffering.html

Kim, I wish you the best success on your road to recovery. And I hope you get to have lots of good rest, sleep, all that you need, without having to justify yourself or being unable to for privacy's sake.

Thanks again Christina.

~ waves ~

[Matuboo]

Hi out there,
Just had a few thoughts. Been trying to go back to find out why I am who I am, and in doing so have discovered things that happened a long long time ago still affecting me today. How does one go about putting those things to rest and moving on. And in moving on, how much does one have to leave behind. It almost sounds like a riddle to me. Solve the mystery and take two steps forward, miss a part and take two steps back, on the board game of life. And then there is the card that says do not past Go, what then?
Has anyone played the game before.... and won? I need some help
Kim:confused:


I was just thinking the same thing a a few days ago while talking to a friend who's been sober a year. If you figure anything out, let me know because I'm 37 and I don't feel any wiser than I was ten years ago! Keeping busy helping others helps to a degree, working with charities, or AA/NA, anything to keep your mind off yourself. Thinking too much about it just makes it worse (IMHO):(

[houghchrst]

I really don't think you so much leave any thing behind because it is all a part of you. It is what made you who you are. You are here so that is a good thing, it shows strength, will, want, a desire for a better you. All that has happened to you is what makes you, you. What you do want to let go is the anger, hurt, resentment, and blame. It eats you and tears you down. I don't think anyone can honestly say that they are totally free from any of those no matter how long they have been clean and sober. That would be like someone saying they have lived their life totally without sin. It is an ongoing process. It is work.

Do we become smarter? Maybe we don't feel any smarter lol, but by the admission itself, that we don't know everything, shows wiseness. I don't think being wise is a feeling, it is a showing, I can see it in your posts and you should be proud.