new - needing help

[kcfrnf]

Hi, let me introduce myself. I am 52, female and have been going through marriage difficulties. I should say problems on my side because until recently he didn't think we had problems. I just knew I wasn't happy about our situation. Someone lent me a book called Love is a Choice, and it is all about co-dependent relationships and addictions etc. I am beginning to discover a lot about myself, my childhood years, and why functioning in this marriage of 28 years has been so bad. I have discovered I have addictions, and not to thinks like drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or what one might expect when you hear the word addiction. I am addicted to the need to feel loved... and to good feelings, and getting them however I can, whether by food, or through internet relationships or whatever.. will give me those good feelings. I am upset by reading this book as I feel more screwed up than ever. I had made plans to leave my marriage, move home to my parents house to get a job and save enough for my own place etc, and now I find out that I have probably never emotionally separated from my childhood and moving back would not be in my best interest, though how does one start over or get out of the situations that are causing all my problems. I am so so confused at the moment....
I used to post on these boards, years ago, when they were connected with MGH, and when the old chats were around I posted on those as well. I have a daughter with a neuro condition that first alerted me to this place, though she is now grown and on her own, when the site changed I stopped using it. I would hate my children falling down the same deep hole as I feel I am in right now and since I still had these boards in my favorites, I thought maybe I could get some help or at least use it as a outlet for my mixed up thoughts and in trying to find a way to heal the pain and move forward in a direction that would help in recovering from what I now know has been the cause of most of my emotional upheavals....
So.... that is me, and where I am right now..... I have to get ready to go to work in a half hour, but for anyone here and reading.... please tell me if I have come to a right place for a beginning....
Thanks so much
Kim

[houghchrst]

Hi Kim, welcome back. To tell you the truth, as you can probably tell things are slow in this particular forum but Emotional Support and many others are very busy. I am all over the place though I pop in here often because I am a recovering addict and wish to help as much as possible. I admit that I did give up the drugs and alcohol but I still have the food addiction. I think I may have control issues too but that may be a gender thing lol.

I don't know if any of us really ever totally separate from our childhoods lol. Some may cling more than others. Coming here is definitely a start. One day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. What ever it takes to get you where you need to be. That is how you start over or get out of bad situations. I hope you find what you need here and decide to stick around. You can find a great bunch of people at the Forum for Emotional Support too.

[kcfrnf]

Thank you Christina for the welcome. I am hoping by posting here that I will have a outlet for some feelings and thoughts and also make freinds who understand the processes I am and will be going through. Today is the beginning of my journey of self as I am calling it. I started a journal today with letters to people who know my situation and who will be watching from the outside, in order to help them understand, what I have started on. Whether I send the letters remains to be seen, but it was my way if explaining what I felt was necessary. I feel like a very young person about to be sent off alone for the first time... though I know I am not alone. God is out there somewhere watching, and I know I have family and friends who care, though I have not even told some of them my thoughts and feelings as of yet. My addictions are silent ones that only I know of... and have kept secret. I don't know if I can ever even expose them yet, or even I can or want to recover from them. Sometimes it seems they are the only thing that keeps me going. I don't know if I can live without them.
All of this to deal with and still keep some semblence of a normal life, going to work and keeping a house.. etc Can I do it? I know I have to, either that or wither up.

Thanks for allowing me this forum.. and outlet
Kim

[houghchrst]

Hey Kim congratulations on taking another step. I know how hard it is to let some things go. We come to look at them like old friends. When we begin to think of letting them go often we find ourselves holding tighter. I remember when I was closing in on my deadline to quit smoking, I seemed to smoke twice as much in the last few days. When I start to consider dieting all I want to do is eat. I don't know if your addictions are as tangible as those but I do know how hard any addiction is to let go.

I look forward to hearing from you time to time.

[kcfrnf]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have been seaching online for articles to read this evening, that might be of help to get me going in the right direction. I feel the need to leave my present situation and go out on my own, but there is something holding me back. Not wanting to hurt the other person, but also a fear of what would lie ahead. We have been in an unhealthy relationship for so long... 28 years today actually. We have two grown kids in their twenties, neither one have married or are even in close relationships. My fear is that they will both go down the same paths are their parents too. So my need to find out who I am is also compounded by wanting to make sure my kids enter into healthy and loving relationships. My spouse would say he loved me more than anyone, but still he likes to control, doesn't help in anyway hardly around the house, with inside or outside chores, finances, bill paying, etc, until I make it a point to rant about it. Until I came to the point of saying I have had enough, he didn't even take it seriously all the other times I threatened to leave and didn't. I don't smoke or drink, he is the one who is addicted to cigarettes, and the financial burden of that has taken it's toll over the years. Over half his pay would go to accommidate it. My addictions are more sutble, online friendships that have crossed the line so to speak. My fantasies of what a real relationship could be. I don't know if I can or want to give those up.... so right now in trying to begin, the first step is to sort out all the jumbled thoughts of what is right and wrong... and where to start...
Thus hoping by putting some of these down here, I can get perspective... and maybe some guidence and support...
So anyone reading my posts, feel free to step in and point me in directions I haven't yet thought of.. give me clues or ideas to ponder
anything....
ok
thanks