Becoming troubled

[Cluelessluke]

Hey, I posted this same thing in another thread but was told I might get more responses here.

Alright, I'm not sure where to begin so I'm probably just going to jump right into things. I'm a 20 year old sophomore in college and I hate it when my girlfriend drinks alcohol. That might sound a little normal but let me explain. When she informs me that she is going to go out any given night, I feel like she just told me she cheated on me. It literally hurts me. My cheeks start getting warm and my heart drops. It is probably the most uncomfortable feeling I've ever experienced. I am not able to concentrate or sit still from the time she says she is going to go out later, till the time I get to speak with her after she gets home. I might be able to understand these emotions a little bit if I didn't trust her or thought something bad was going to happen. Neither of those are the case however. The thought of her even having a sip of wine with her parents makes me want to vomit out of anxiousness also. She is in some psychology class and I helped her study for one of her exams and one thing she needed to know was the definition of a panic attack. When I read what it was, the first thing that came to my mind was me when I know she is going to drink.

I can fight this horribly strong feeling with logic, meaning I can understand that nothing bad is going to happen and I have no logical reason to worry, but that only lasts for about 5 minutes. I tried to describe to her once what it felt like and the best I could do was that it's like having stage fright (the amount RIGHT before you are about to preform for something) but having it last all night, until I can talk to her.

All my previous relationships involved a girl that didn't drink (for this exact reason) but I liked this girl enough to try and deal with it. I was hoping that the more she did it, the more I would realize that it's not a big deal and that I would get over this. After six months this has yet to occur. I can't describe why I have this feelings, I can only describe how they feel. They are not logical so logic doesn't seem to be able to fight them. One solution to this problem would be to end things with this girl so I could actually concentrate on school work on a Tuesday night so I won't fail my exam the next morning. But that would only be a temporary solution, until I find the next girl I like that happens to drink alcohol.

Also, nothing in my past or childhood has brought about bad memories with alcohol. In fact, I never was really exposed to it as a child. My father has never taken a sip of anything and my mother only has a beer if we happen to go out to dinner on a Friday night.

I am just wondering if any of this sounds familiar, like maybe I have some mental chemical imbalance or maybe I'm just nuts. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time.

[houghchrst]

Hi Luke and welcome. I am going to assume that you have never drank for one. Have you ever had any kind of reaction to say your mother having a beer? What about friends? Can you hold a can of beer? Bottle of liquor? Is this only with your girlfriend? It sounds almost like a phobia. What goes through your mind when this is happening to you? I understand you get all these physical symptoms but what thoughts do you have?

Have you ever had any kind of counseling or has it never really been necessary? Do you care about this girl enough to stay with her and try to get help? Have you ever gone out with her while she is drinking?

Sorry so many questions but I am too trying to get a feel for what is going on.

[Cluelessluke]

Don't apologize for the questions, I thank you for asking them. Yes, it is only with my girlfriend, these feelings do not come about with anyone but her. I have drank before (not before I met my current girlfriend however). As bad as this might be, I feel that her drinking has led to me to drink to calm me down. I have no problems with me drinking or holding a can of beer or anything. I do, however, get this same terrible feeling whenever I see pictures of her out with her friends from the night before holding a beer or something.

This feeling also comes about every time I see a beer commercial or whenever I overhead someones conversation about drinking in any sense. Before I met my girlfriend, I never thought twice about anything dealing with alcohol. However, now when ANYTHING about alcohol is mentioned ANYWHERE at ANYTIME I think of her drinking and I get this awful awful feeling again.

I have gone out with her before because I told her that I thought that might help. During the night I was fine and didn't think anything of it. However the next day when I replayed my memories of her drinking I got the feeling again.

Because I have never dated someone who has drank before, this has never been an issue so I have never been to counseling. I like this girl more than I can describe, so for now, I'm willing to put up with it and try and see if I can get a little more normal. I'm just not sure how to do that. Thank you.

[Buttons2]

Luke, I suggest you seek professional help if possible. I think we can become phobic about anything,for you it seems to center around your GF's drinking.

What is the worse case scenerio? Do you feel she should be with you rather than out with friends? Do you fear she'll get drunk & end up doing something stupid?

You might not remember something from your past that is directly related to alcohol. We all seem to suppress bad memories.

Guess I'm saying there must be a reason for your reaction & I think you need to find out what it is.

Good luck

[houghchrst]

I agree with Buttons. I kept getting the feeling through all that that there was a missing connection that you were not getting or had forgotten. Maybe not but it sounds like this is interfering with your life and therefore it needs to be addressed. So definitely counseling is an option. Is it an option for you, I mean is it available to you? Also, please don't drink because she is drinking, not a good idea and this comes from experience. I really would hate to see you posting on the addictions forum in the future lol. Keep us updated.

((((big hugs))))

[Cluelessluke]

see the weird thing is, I don't have any logical fears about it. I'm not scared that she is going to be irresponsible with it or do something that would make me upset or anything. It's just the fact that she is doing it which kills. The thought of her laughing at a joke that she wouldn't normally laugh at if she was sober REALLY gets to me for some reason. Stuff like that. I don't feel that she should be with me more than her friends or anything like that.

I was thinking and the only thing about alcohol that has come up in my past is actually the absence of it. No one in my family really drinks, I've never seen a drunk person until college. I think that the only "exposure" i got to it was what my teachers told us about it in elementary school and stuff.

So possibly all that bad talk about it really affected my opinion about it and since I never saw anyone actually ever doing it I had to assume my teachers weren't exaggerating or anything.

[houghchrst]

Well maybe talking about your issues with it to a counselor or a therapist may help you get past that. It sounds as though you go into panic mode. If all the bad talk about it had really affected you then you would be worried about her being irresponsible while drinking. I mean isn't that the whole purpose of what they teach us about drinking. How long have you and your girlfriend been together? Did you say and I missed?

Do you think it may be have a little to do with control? Maybe her going out and drinking is taking time away from you and by her being altered may affect how she feels towards you?

[Buttons2]

Luke,you must have led a very sheltered life before college right? I also can't recall being exposed to alcohol growing up. When I was in my 30's my father told me he's an alcoholic! I was so shocked! Then when I thought back to my childhood I could recall parties with my family & the grownups were drinking.....but I was mostly with my cousins & of course if we had tried a sip of whiskey we would have thought it was totally gross!

I hope you get some kind of relief from your stress over GF's drinking. Obviously you didn't like the lack of control she had when she heard a joke. It's nearly impossible to be around anyone drinking if you are sober,that's just a fact. It doesn't mean you are weird. And I agree with Christina,never feel compelled to drink just cause everyone else is.

[Cluelessluke]

houghchrst - My girlfriend and I have only been together for about eight months. I could see this being part of a control issue. I find it terribly unattractive if someone is not in control of themselves, but she never is crazy or anything when she drinks.

I spent a long time thinking about this and this whole issue might stem from something else. I was doing a little "what-ifs" in my head and realized that if she would text me or something while she's out saying that she missed me or something then I don't think I would mind at all that she was drinking. This whole thing might be an issue of the gigantic differences in feelings we have for one another. Meaning, I feel that I like her a lot more than she likes me and that this relationship me quite a lot, to me, but it doesn't mean nearly as much to her. I've got thinking to do.

[houghchrst]

Yes it does sound that way. Way to work at a problem. Luke stay in touch and if you need anything we are here.

[Buttons2]

Well Luke you're gaining insight into college romance! Good for you. Changes are that this will only be one relationship to look back on someday,the right gal for you most likely will not drink. Do you have male buddies? We older folks (such as myself) are constantly encouraging college kids to broaden their base of friends,to study hard & have a goal.

I'm glad you finally have realized the alcohol was just the scapegoat-not the real issue. Come on over to emotional support forum (again?) and we've got a bunch of gals with wisdom & support!

Believe in YOU Luke!
Take care Buttons