Coley had a terrible nighmare last night

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

He can't stop talking about it!

He woke up...Mommy I had a scary dream! Audrey died! And he's crying.

It's like 1am and I'm like crikie, Mr literal here...how do I talk about this without creating more trauma...

I asked him if he wanted to talk about it...

He tells me she was super sick (I've never used that term) and she was on the sidewalk in front of the house. Her head was pointing away and her eyes were wide open and she died.

Now I'm like, WTF!

Audrey had a little spill before we came in for dinner so I'm thinking that's what scared him. So I try to suggest that to him.

But he says that he wasn't scared. Maybe worried, I suggested...nope not that either. Then he says he's sorry that he wasn't watching out for her better and she fell outside.

Now I'm like OMG! I tell him that it wasn't his fault, and before I could say anymore...Mommy why weren't you holding onto to her. YIKES! Now it's my fault. So I explain to him that she needs to learn herself and she doesn't always want me or him holding her up...but she IS still learning so she IS going to stumble a little. So then he says, well she shouldn't go outside then. We end up having a 2 hour conversation...the kid is PETRIFIED to go back to sleep. I eventually had to get DH up...

and he's still talking about it today

Infact this morning he tells Audrey all about it and apologizes for having such a Yukky bad dream about her and tells her he doesn't know why that dream came into his head.

Good Morning Audey, here's a horrible thought for you...:eek: Thank god she doesn't know what the he!! he's talking about!

HELP!!!! What do I say...I keep trying to make it better, but it seems the more we talk about it the more fixated he gets on it.

Plus, I want him to STOP...it's starting to scare me too! I mean what a terrible image...EEEK! I don't let him watch regular tv, I don't know where in the world (oh crikie maybe at his cousins) he could have gotten an image like that....

UGH!

[Isabelle]

ugh! sorry, i have no advice, my boy can't talk as much...where is mili when we need her??? mili, wheeeereee aaarree yoooouu? :confused:

[frogmama]

For my kids we first talk out what happened in the dream and then we give it a new ending - So if Audrey fell then maybe her eyes were open because she was so surprised, but then he got her an ice pack and helped her hold it and she smiled and they went to play again. For a really bad dream I talk quietly about the new ending while they are going back to sleep - sort of an assisted lucid dreaming. My oldest son learned to do this for himself when he was about 6 or 7.

[MomOTwins]

having him draw a picture of how he would like to have the dream turn out if he could have it again? Keggy, help us out here, as an art therapy person you may have some ideas, but I'd go with the "How would you re-do the dream?" idea expressed by Frogmama. If he could draw it out, maybe it'd seem more real than just telling you.

Or - you could write it up like a social story and he could tell you what to write. You could then do something we did with one of our boys when he had the terrible dream that wouldn't go away - you make a big ceremony out of destroying the bad dream (write it out or draw a picture, then Mom and Dad burn the paper while the child watches) and making it go away. I'll bet that he'd get the symbolism of burning up the bad thoughts and blowing them away (wait until the paper is burned completely, then let him blow the ashes away). It really worked with our son, the satisfaction of "killing the bad dream" and "rewriting" how he'd make the story turn out really seemed to resolve the issue in his head. No more nightmares, since the dream had been bumped off by his super powers.

Worth a try!

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Oh you guys are awesome!!!! I LOVE that idea!!! Keggy, I'd love to hear your thoughts too...

He's still talking about it...he's remembering more about it and telling me as he remembers. He also told his little buddies about it yesterday it was kinda cute in a way.

They are both girls, 'M' is about to turn 6 and 'A' is 8. Audrey was out in her little card and Coley was running around, then spots M & A playing and runs over. I could see that M's parents were talking to a contractor and A's mom was in the house so I went over...Coley tends to get them a little wound up so I wanted to keep them low-key while M's parents were side tracked. So I get over there with Audrey and Coley says...looks it's Audrey! And gives her a big hug. Then says to M & A, isn't she cute! She's the best! But I had a really yukky scary dream, and I don't know why I had that dream and goes on to tell them all about it...

At the end M is sitting there like a deer in the headlights...and A just says...you mean you had a nightmare Coley. Coley looks up at me, and I said, yes Coley A is right, a really scary dream IS called a nightmare, and I'd say that was a really scary dream. He and M just go...yeahhhhhh.

So get this. So now he's told me that his cousin Robbie was there, he doesn't remember what Robbie said, but he said something. We were all around her, her head was shaking back & forth. Then his little stuffed dog, 'doggie' tells him that when people go up to heaven with Goddy that they turn into a mirror, and then they die. Then everyone just watched her die.

I don't understand this mirror thing at all...I tried understanding it better, but I really don't want to talk toooo much about it, ya know. I don't understand at all what he means. I asked him if he could see Audrey in the mirror, but that she was already with Goddy, and he said no. So I asked him if he could see his reflection in Audrey...he said no. So I stopped there.

CREEPYYYYY!!!!!!!

Last night he couldn't get to sleep and came down to get me at 10pm to 'cuddle.' I was tired, so I decided I'd just go to bed anyway...but when I got up there he started talking about it again.

My dad was a firefighter when I was little, I think he started when I was about 5 or 6...I'm not sure how old I was when I figured out what his job really meant...like the danger and all...but I started having REALLY scary nightmares about him dying...my grandma, his mom told me that I should think about the very best things I can when I have a scary idea in my head...at the time we came up with disney world and playing at the beach and a few others...and that as soon as a scary idea comes into my head that I should quickly shake it out and think about the very best ideas...and it worked for me...so I told Coley this idea and we came up with the beach and a rollercoaster (kinda funny how we came up with similar things huh!) and bowling...he eventually went to sleep.

But I'm gettig a little worried that he's still upset about it.

[RathyKay]

That is a good idea. I guess my kids have never had quite so bad nightmares. I've just had them get up, go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, clear their head kind of bit. Then we talk about something else. Dream about balloons! Or a birthday party! Or whatever is going on at school tomorrow. Or whatever great thing that happened today.

[Tootsie]

Kristen, keep in mind that most children begin to have dreams when they're about Coley's age. He is maturing and becoming aware of the dangers in the world and like most older brothers, has an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for his little sister. While that is admirable, it is important that you and your husband never let him feel that Audrey is HIS responsibility. Part of that is own personality and need to be in control of his environment. As Audrey becomes more independent, and assertive, he may find it more and more difficult to keep his sense of responsibility from becoming a problem for the two of them.

I remember one time when my 2 boys were about 2-3 and 4-5. My husband had been working on the car and needed to move it out of the garage. He told the boys to go stand where he could see them. The older one understood; the younger kept wandering around. The older one knocked the younger one down and SAT on him, while my husband moved the car! Cheerio.

[JungleWoman]

Im jumping in on this way late but my Noah is very sensitive to whatever he dreams about. I havent had 2 hour conversations with him about them, but I know recently he had one that our little baby Jonah died. Since he knows we almost lost Joey at birth, its probably what conjured up the dream== and he just adores his little brother== so he wws pretty upset. (Noah is 7 btw)

I remember when I was a kid, I waited up really late for when my mom got home from work. I was about 5 and my mom worked swing at the hospital. I remember bawling on her lap telling her I was afraid to die. I know now that it was probably triggered by their brilliant discretion to bring a 5 and a 6 year old to an open casket scary catholic funeral with all the creepy pipe organ music and everything that goes with it --for our great grand father... arg!!! I didnt really realize it until my great grandma died in 2000. The freaky music made me literally sick and if I was in the back of the church I would have ran out!

Its pretty interesting how little things as kids like that really set in motion some traumatic things--- even if they're relatively minor like little Audrey falling down. Bless his little heart though, Kristen!! You did a good thing talking to him. He'll probably remember that forever. I still remember the talk I had with my mom-- not every word, but I remember her hugs and that she was reassuring me that everything woudl be ok.

[Keggy]

Aggh! Stop talking about it! Dreams are often quickly forgotten, but this one won't be because you are talking about it!!!

When a child has a bad dream like this you can let them talk about it, but don't invite more conversation than that. You can tell them that our minds make up these little movies that are like puzzles. Our brain uses these puzzles to help us learn, but we don't have to figure them out unless we really want too.

For example this dream puzzle may have nothing to do with Audry at all, it may be that he feels responsible for something that he didn't take care of. (which could be AUdry since he is feeling he has to take better care of her now) But Audry could represent something else he feels responsible for. It could be that he had this toy he really loved and he left it out and its broken now and gone.
Maybe at the time he didn't really react to loosing the toy, he tried to act like he didn't care, so his mind created a puzzle to let him learn that the toy was something he really cared about and he should take care of things he loves.

You will find that movement seems to erase dreams.. Like when you get out of bed and walk around you can forget a dream easily compared to lying in bed and reliving it. So if he is having other nightmares get him to move around a bit.. don't talk about it other than what he wants to say. Don't tell him not to talk about it, just don't invite conversation on it if you want him to stop thinking on it.

[wallyw1]

HI,
Wally's Dad here.

After Wally started to communicate he told us about his nightmares that he had. He had the most when he was on seizure medications especially Tegritol. These dreams at the time were real for him and at the time he didn't know if he was dreaming or if it was reality that he was experiencing because he had no way to communicate and ask.
I don't know if any of your children are on seizure meds or other meds but it might be comething to consider.

Wally's Dad

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Well, he hasn't brought it up in a few days now so there has been no more talk about it, so I guess that's good!:)

But one of the times he brought it up, it did seem like he was a little shaky on the reality of it, so I just said..."yeah, but that wasn't real" and he got VERY adament about the fact that it WAS real, but real in his head but "not in our house" I just said "ohhhh" so that we could drop it...but it made me kinda sad to think that he might think that Audrey IS dead in his dreams now :(

He did, though, say something curious the other day but I didn't push it because I didn't want it to lead back into the talk about this dream... He said " I always don't get a good night sleep. I don't get a good night sleep because I have dreams all the time." http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/29/29_1_13.gif

He had a pretty busy week with vacation and all...so hopefully it's gotten his mind off of it FINALLY! We shall see...

Thanks everyone for your tips! If he has any others I'll try first just ignoring it kinda to see if it goes away quicker...although I can still remember some pretty scary dreams that I've had that I never talked about really so I guess it likely depends a little on how upsetting it is as to whether he will be able to get past it quickly or not....I'll let you know if any others come up.

Thanks again!

[summerm]

i don't have any advice, just some information to offer that might be relevant. when i was a kid i had some terrible dreams about my parents dying and occasionally siblings dying. even when the dream details faded away, the intense emotions remained with me for a day or so. maybe coley also would feel sorrow for awhile after such a dream, even if the details fade away.

[Kristen (ColeysMom)]

Yeah, I think you are right Summer. I know exactly what you are saying...infact I had a really weird dream a few nights ago, not a nightmare, but one that just twisted my reality all up...it had me weirded out for a couple days...

He did have a REALLY busy & exciting weekend, so I think that was enough to 'distract' him...so fingers crossed he's over it now.