Late Friday

[Phil]

Well,

It's way to late for a roll call today. I managed to NOT make it to the grocery store today. I'm not really sure what I did today. We had a 5.5 or 5.4 earthquake at 4:30AM. That's a rarity around here. I think I slept through it. We had an aftershock a couple hours ago. Wasn't much.

If we ever have a big one, everything would just fall apart. Were used to severe weather: Snow, bad rain/thunderstorms and tornadoes but NOT earthquakes!!

I am still hopeful that we can get a group together. Old group, new group or a combination of the two. My depression took a turn for the worse and with the chronic pain I have not worked since July of 2000. I have a multitude of physical/mental problems. I am very embarrassed to say that. I can see it now, a multitude of views and zero replies.

I know it really pi$$es a lot of people off but I am receiving SSDI. I have more diagnoses than just major depression. I worked for about 25 years and did the job of two people. I detest staying at home and would LOVE to go back at work. Fear sets in and before you know it, your afraid to walk out of your own front door.

I am afraid I will die. I am afraid my cat will die. I am afraid SS will cut my SSDI off and I start crying. Every little thing makes me cry. My grandparents lived in a little town called Loami. The story goes like this:

A farmers farm burn down, clear to the ground. They say he said: Lo am I (Loami)

I guess you could call this post my personal very public diary. I really don't care what people think. God who is my Father in heaven know's that I am a good person and that I have a good heart. I am shunned by the church because of my sexual orientation....even though I am celebate and abstain from the "lifestyle". Lifestyle. Who invented that word? People are born the way they are. I know what the bible says. I understand Jesus himself never had anything to say about homosexuals. The pain of being crucified is unimaginable. He was in human form and felt everything. He did a whole lot more than pay for our sins!! There are some excellent video's on youtube. There are no aliens. They are fallen angels.

"Christians" can be some of the most judgmental people on earth. We should all pattern ourselves after Jesus. Church doors need to be swung open with big signs that read: SINNERS WELCOME!!

- - - - -

Drug Addicts really do need to hit bottom before they/we contemplate seeking help. I was so fortunate. I had good insurance and was in- -inpatient detox for 30 days. It's very frightening knowing that you will no longer have your crutch. I was gradually tapered off of the medication I was on. We had classes and lectures and books to read.

My case worker (Beth) went very in-depth and was very, very good to me. I spent quite a bit of time with her. The facility was not a lock down type and if you so chose, you could walk out at any time. We all bonded very quickly. We were also very protective of one another.

What I mentioned earlier about being gay? It did not matter to one person on the entire floor. One thing about addiction, it is no respectar of persons. One patient was an Assistant District Attorney who was on crack. He most certainly would have been Sheriff of a certain county but a paper (one lousy paper) somehow did not get filed and it disqualified him.

Addiction is also known as Chemical Dependency. I would have to look this up so I will try and go on memory here. One of the many great dangers of Addiction is accidental overdose - - -Death unless appropriate emergency medical treatment is sought immediately.

I am not an expert so do not take my word on anything!!

Tolerance does occur. While tolerance does occur there is still only a certain amount an individual can take before accidental overdose occurs. I have numbers in my head but I am not sure they are right. I am not sure they are right for just a specific drug. Please, if you suspect that an Addict has overdosed, call 911 immediately. The Emergency room can administer agents that will potentially reverse the effects of the medication. Remember Heath Ledger. What a tragedy!!

- - - - -

Enough for today. I've said to much without really saying anything!!

Do you remember the last time a stranger was nice to you, how good this person made you feel? Changed a tire, fed the meter, let you ahead of him/her in line, made up the difference at McDonald's because you were short? Did it sort of kick in some natural endorphins? Maybe you thought it was an Angel?

Please, do something special for a stranger tomorrow. It will make you feel as good OR BETTER as the stranger you are helping!!!!:):)

Take care ((Ya'll)), Phil

[Matuboo]

Well,

It's way to late for a roll call today. I managed to NOT make it to the grocery store today. I'm not really sure what I did today. We had a 5.5 or 5.4 earthquake at 4:30AM. That's a rarity around here. I think I slept through it. We had an aftershock a couple hours ago. Wasn't much.

If we ever have a big one, everything would just fall apart. Were used to severe weather: Snow, bad rain/thunderstorms and tornadoes but NOT earthquakes!!

I am still hopeful that we can get a group together. Old group, new group or a combination of the two. My depression took a turn for the worse and with the chronic pain I have not worked since July of 2000. I have a multitude of physical/mental problems. I am very embarrassed to say that. I can see it now, a multitude of views and zero replies.

I know it really pi$$es a lot of people off but I am receiving SSDI. I have more diagnoses than just major depression. I worked for about 25 years and did the job of two people. I detest staying at home and would LOVE to go back at work. Fear sets in and before you know it, your afraid to walk out of your own front door.

I am afraid I will die. I am afraid my cat will die. I am afraid SS will cut my SSDI off and I start crying. Every little thing makes me cry. My grandparents lived in a little town called Loami. The story goes like this:

A farmers farm burn down, clear to the ground. They say he said: Lo am I (Loami)

I guess you could call this post my personal very public diary. I really don't care what people think. God who is my Father in heaven know's that I am a good person and that I have a good heart. I am shunned by the church because of my sexual orientation....even though I am celebate and abstain from the "lifestyle". Lifestyle. Who invented that word? People are born the way they are. I know what the bible says. I understand Jesus himself never had anything to say about homosexuals. The pain of being crucified is unimaginable. He was in human form and felt everything. He did a whole lot more than pay for our sins!! There are some excellent video's on youtube. There are no aliens. They are fallen angels.

"Christians" can be some of the most judgmental people on earth. We should all pattern ourselves after Jesus. Church doors need to be swung open with big signs that read: SINNERS WELCOME!!

- - - - -

Drug Addicts really do need to hit bottom before they/we contemplate seeking help. I was so fortunate. I had good insurance and was in- -inpatient detox for 30 days. It's very frightening knowing that you will no longer have your crutch. I was gradually tapered off of the medication I was on. We had classes and lectures and books to read.

My case worker (Beth) went very in-depth and was very, very good to me. I spent quite a bit of time with her. The facility was not a lock down type and if you so chose, you could walk out at any time. We all bonded very quickly. We were also very protective of one another.

What I mentioned earlier about being gay? It did not matter to one person on the entire floor. One thing about addiction, it is no respectar of persons. One patient was an Assistant District Attorney who was on crack. He most certainly would have been Sheriff of a certain county but a paper (one lousy paper) somehow did not get filed and it disqualified him.

Addiction is also known as Chemical Dependency. I would have to look this up so I will try and go on memory here. One of the many great dangers of Addiction is accidental overdose - - -Death unless appropriate emergency medical treatment is sought immediately.

I am not an expert so do not take my word on anything!!

Tolerance does occur. While tolerance does occur there is still only a certain amount an individual can take before accidental overdose occurs. I have numbers in my head but I am not sure they are right. I am not sure they are right for just a specific drug. Please, if you suspect that an Addict has overdosed, call 911 immediately. The Emergency room can administer agents that will potentially reverse the effects of the medication. Remember Heath Ledger. What a tragedy!!

- - - - -

Enough for today. I've said to much without really saying anything!!

Do you remember the last time a stranger was nice to you, how good this person made you feel? Changed a tire, fed the meter, let you ahead of him/her in line, made up the difference at McDonald's because you were short? Did it sort of kick in some natural endorphins? Maybe you thought it was an Angel?

Please, do something special for a stranger tomorrow. It will make you feel as good OR BETTER as the stranger you are helping!!!!:):)

Take care ((Ya'll)), Phil



Hey Phil,

Sorry things have been so tough on you. I've had a tough ride myself the last five years. Thing is, I am 37 now and my 20's were just all fun and games, everything was a skate. Now, it's all over, or so it seems. I just went through a nasty detox myself.


I am in Kentucky and did feel that quake last night, I'm in Louisville so plenty close, I think it was 5.2, which believe it or not, is significantly weaker than 5.4 but still, as you said, very unusual, happens maybe once in 20 years! I thought it was kind of cool but that's just me. I have never felt one before but I knew right away what it was because of the sound, it sounded like a bomb and then when the shaking started, it was obvious. I guess I wasn't scared because I knew the chances of it being destructive where very small but still, it was VERY noticable and I was up at 4:30EST. Felt the aftershock at 11 this morning too and perhaps another small one a few minutes ago??


People in this group seem to be very good about replying but I had an experience in another group recently, I was extremely depressed, wrote about it and received one reply out of 60 or 70 views. There was a second reply but only to the person that replied to me, my post was toally ignored. I thought that was a bit rude but I didn't take it personally, it's not my problem, it's theirs. It bothered me for about 10 minutes and I got over it, I won't visit that group again though.


As for being gay, I am straight myself but you know, there are a lot of us guys out here (Christians) who don't judge others. At the very least I figure, it's not my job! More realistically, I am in no position to judge anyone. Lastly, I would not think any less of you myself but that would not have been the case 15 or 20 years ago. I would like to think that most mature with age but this is not always the case as you've discovered. There are always going to be people who judge you for your sexual preference, because you're an addict (my family won't speak to me) and for a lot of other things.

Take care pal,

M

[Phil]

Hello Matuboo,

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today but I feel like I have the flu or something. There's still a few things around here. Will try tomorrow.

I didn't realize you had posted here before. Believe it or not, it used to be a busy place. Your in Louisville? I am in Illinois but have family in Louisville thus the ya'll. I get on the telephone with my Aunt and I'm an instant southerner!! To big of a city for me though. I have a sticker on the back window of my truck that says "proudly assembled at Louisville Ford". Not the exact words but my truck was put together in Louisville. I've been to Louisville one time....6 hour drive. I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle and my mother and sister stayed at a motel...it was a family reunion. I had to follow my Aunt back to the motel and I didn't know where I was going. She drove 45 in a 30mph zone. I was thinking police, speeding ticket, getting lost.

I drove down with my other aunt, cousin and her son. My cousin drove 90mph all the way AND drank beer. Me? I kept my seat belt on and said a lot of prayers!! I was not amused!!

Detox is a real b itch but is mostly psychological....that is if your going through a medical detox. Cold turkey is something else entirely.
I had checked myself in for depression some years back and had been taking Fiorinal. I ended up having a grand mal seizure on the psych ward. Of course, they did taper me off of 150mg. of daily Elavil in 3 days. I still say that was was culpret.

Thank you for being a "man" and not judging. You know what Matuboo? I knew when I was 2 or 3 years old. I mean, of course I didn't know what "relations" were but I knew that I was somehow attracted to men. I was totally, totally confused. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is not a choice. I have accepted Jesus (14 then, 47 now). I know in my heart that God is God and Jesus is Jesus. I know just by looking out my window and looking at the sky or the beautiful colors. I also know that one day all of my questions will be answered.

I believe things will begin to happen very soon. It scares me. The chip is most certainly the mark of the beast. From my reading, NASA is doing some pretty evil things too.

I am not certain of this woman at all but God could be using her for HIS glory. NASA: Project Blue Beam

- - - - -

Isn't it something to look back on your 20's and wonder how you even survived? I was out on my own at 18. It wasn't a pretty sight. I'd trade age but never maturity!!


Thank you again for posting. I look forward to speaking to you again.

~ ~Phil~ ~

I forgot to say, I am sorry for your experience on other forums. This has happened to me too.

[houghchrst]

Phil I like how you ended your first post. We were at the local Krispy Kreme last Friday night, (my son had a coupon for a free donut) and my fiance and I got a cup of hot cocoa. We had our grubbies on, it was his day off and we had been loafing all day and while we are not rich, actually we are perpetually broke, we are not exactly poor but I could see this lady kind of checking us out and looking at my poor beat up tennies (they have to be special ordered and no money) and our beat up appearance but we were laughing and having a good time and she came over and explained how she wasn't trying to be mean or anything but she had gotten a coupon from a coworker for a free dozen of donuts and would we like to have them. They had already purchased their donuts and the dozen of glazed were free. So with lots of thanks we took them, I think she would have been quite humiliated had we said no. It was very nice of her and I know she thought we were terribly poor and had just come in for the free donut they give when they are making fresh. Your comment at the end reminded me of it. So in turn we stopped and gave it to my son who was visiting with his girlfriend and he was just leaving there but went back in and passed out donuts to them because they do not get to go out and have that kind of treat. So yes that kind of thing does get passed around. Gee was that overly winded lol, sorry.

Phil you have nothing to be embarrassed about by having multiple problems. Krikey I don't know anybody who doesn't in some way, shape, or form. Having the balls to admit it and do something about it is a whole different story. As for fears, I think my biggest one is that I will have to live this way for the rest of my life. In this capsule of pain and depression. I understand fear. Lots of little ones. Until I started taking my meds I would lay in bed in the evenings and ruminate until all hours of the morning on some of the worst things. If you don't mind my asking what kind of treatment do you get now? If to nosy say so.

M glad to see you still around. How's things. As for that earthquake, may sound odd but what a rush lol. I can remember when I was young in the eighties and sitting on the end of my bed and feeling a movement that was odd only to find out later it was a mild earthquake felt here in Michigan. Very rare. Some time in the eighties though I think that in the eighties there was a bit of seismic activity in the Ohio and Michigan area. Not much since.

Well I hope you both have a great night.

[Matuboo]

Hello Matuboo,

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today but I feel like I have the flu or something. There's still a few things around here. Will try tomorrow.

I didn't realize you had posted here before. Believe it or not, it used to be a busy place. Your in Louisville? I am in Illinois but have family in Louisville thus the ya'll. I get on the telephone with my Aunt and I'm an instant southerner!! To big of a city for me though. I have a sticker on the back window of my truck that says "proudly assembled at Louisville Ford". Not the exact words but my truck was put together in Louisville. I've been to Louisville one time....6 hour drive. I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle and my mother and sister stayed at a motel...it was a family reunion. I had to follow my Aunt back to the motel and I didn't know where I was going. She drove 45 in a 30mph zone. I was thinking police, speeding ticket, getting lost.

I drove down with my other aunt, cousin and her son. My cousin drove 90mph all the way AND drank beer. Me? I kept my seat belt on and said a lot of prayers!! I was not amused!!

Detox is a real b itch but is mostly psychological....that is if your going through a medical detox. Cold turkey is something else entirely.
I had checked myself in for depression some years back and had been taking Fiorinal. I ended up having a grand mal seizure on the psych ward. Of course, they did taper me off of 150mg. of daily Elavil in 3 days. I still say that was was culpret.

Thank you for being a "man" and not judging. You know what Matuboo? I knew when I was 2 or 3 years old. I mean, of course I didn't know what "relations" were but I knew that I was somehow attracted to men. I was totally, totally confused. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is not a choice. I have accepted Jesus (14 then, 47 now). I know in my heart that God is God and Jesus is Jesus. I know just by looking out my window and looking at the sky or the beautiful colors. I also know that one day all of my questions will be answered.

I believe things will begin to happen very soon. It scares me. The chip is most certainly the mark of the beast. From my reading, NASA is doing some pretty evil things too.

I am not certain of this woman at all but God could be using her for HIS glory. NASA: Project Blue Beam

- - - - -

Isn't it something to look back on your 20's and wonder how you even survived? I was out on my own at 18. It wasn't a pretty sight. I'd trade age but never maturity!!


Thank you again for posting. I look forward to speaking to you again.

~ ~Phil~ ~

I forgot to say, I am sorry for your experience on other forums. This has happened to me too.



Well, I was a member of a paticular forum for a long time but felt like I was really betrayed by several people I trusted with a lot of personal information. These people all eventually turned on me with no good reason, except for the fact that they were having health problems as well, not an excuse though. I guess there is such a thing as being too nice! Now, I certainly have done my share of bad things to people during my using days but not these folks, I was very good to them and they used me. So, I got mad and didn't return to BT for a long time. That forum is now just a shadow of what it once was and very few of those people are there anymore. The bright side is I do still have one good friend from Canada that I made there who is one hell of a nice lady, I still chat with her now and then. She's quite a bit older than me but she's such a sweetie.


I was never really a part of the addiction forum although it might have been a better fit, I've always liked this group. People tend to be more accepting and supportive and it's less clique. The problem was, I did (and still do) have some other health issues and it would have been nice to get some support, alas, it just didn't work out. Not for lack of effort on my part, that much I know for sure. I remember back in 03 and 04, the addiction forum was very actitve as well!


Yeah, my detox doctor really didn't think it was a big deal to go cold turkey off 8MG's of Klonopin. They also lied to me during my admission process and told me that they would definitely give me medication to help on a daily basis. I'm glad I was out of there in a week, it was a bad experience but at the same time, it was also an extreme physical challenge to say the least. Elavil WD's can be bad too, at least, I've had that experience, although I was only taking 50-75MG's a day. I actually took my Elavil in with me, thinking it wouldn't be a problem to take it but the doctor took it away and give me some other crap that didn't work.


Louisville is ok but it's not really home. It's a different sort of town, one you could get lost in very easily if you don't know your way around. It's not at all like Minneapolis or Chicago (two other places I've lived.) I love Chicago in the summer, it's awesome, just so much traffic. I love all the different kinds of people and just bumming around downtown by the lake and the girls, oh man!!:D So many pretty women there.


I was indeed a wild man in my 20's, lots of cocaine, booze, weed and a lot of other drugs. I would go out and get hammered six nights a week and my body could take it although cocaine almost did kill me one night. Once I discovered pain pills, I forgot all about alcohol, it was no contest although I continued to get stoned to a lessor degree. Any rate, my body couldn't handle all that now days, I'd probably be dead in a month.


M