My Dad took his life........

[Nik-key]

I am here in the hopes of meeting other people who have lost their loved ones by suicide.
To try to figure out how I am suppose to go on. On March 14th, my Dad took his life. He shot himself. No warnings, no indications.

We now know he had cancer. To give some background, my dad watched his brother Steve, for 3 years slowly and painfully die from cancer. He stayed in his room for the last 16 days of his life, and held him as he died. My dad said
then, and more times than I care to remember over the past 10 years, that he would not let us watch him die that way, to suffer as he did watching Uncle Steve pass. He even told us how he would do it. He said before he let that happen he would shoot himself. I just wish to God I had only know he meant it. People say thing like that all the time, but they don't act on it.
He was a career military man, serving over 22 years, in both korea and vietnam, whenever he said that, I just figured it was the military man in him saying it. I just never dreamed he would truly do it.

I have been sick since 99 with constant pain from TN, ON and other problems, for the last year I have been having TIA strokes. I am sure some of the reason for the TIA's is that my husband Lynn, has Alzheimer's disease. Such a devasting disease.

At any rate, my Dad has always been my ROCK, even more so since my husband was diagnosed in 05. He was there for every surgery, every procedure, doctor and ER visits. He would come and simply hold me when the pain was so bad I couldn't get out of bed. Bring me food to nourish the body, and love to nourish the soul.

I now feel like this little sick seal who was clinging to it's rock for dear life, that rock was brutially taken from me, leaving me drowing and flailing in the cold thunderous ocean. I just don't know how I am suppose to move on. How I am suppose to survive this.

As everyone has, I have lost many I love, I lost my only baby, I also know what it is like to watch helpless as someone you love is wasting away, slowly and painfully dying. But, to me this is just so much worse. At least when you lose someone to illness, you get to spend time with them, you have your chance to say goodbye, in the end, I have even prayed that God would take them home. It is almost a blessing . But this, this is so hard to deal with.

Many have told me, he did this for me, for my family. Knowing my Dad as I do, I do know in my heart that is true. I do know he meant to spare us what he thought would be a worse pain. He knew the pain of watching his brother die, he had never dealt with the wreckage left behind when one takes their life. I have come to understand and believe he did mean to spare us.

But, I can't help it , I feel just absolutely robbed of all our tomorrows. All these questions keep haunting me, and I grieve for all that could have been, all that should have been, all the empty hopes and lost dreams.

Many times I scream, cry, rant, rave, or whisper....how is this better Dad?? HOW!! I have forgiven him, have let go of some of the anger. How can I not when I think of how hard it must have been for him. God, I just can't imagine.
Images won't allow me sleep, sadness and pain are consuming me. I did have a break down, and I am under doctors care. The medications are helping a little, I no longer have the over powering urge to be with him, but I still so badly want to see him again. I am told this is "normal" but nothing, NOTHING feels as if it will ever be ok again.

I thank you in advance for letting me share with you, Nikki

[The Dude]

One of my cousins also commited suicide (Drank Antifreeze) and i have had a couple friends do it also.........

I am so sorry you lost your dad.... People dont think about what thier actions are going to do to others they just wanna end THIER pain......

You are amoung friends here sweetie,think of us like your family :)

God bless you http://img138.**********.us/img138/435/grouphugym7.gif

[Nik-key]

Thank you for your reply and compassion.

[jess2002]

Hi there I am so sorry about your father, I have lost a friend to suicide however I cannot even try to imagine how you must be feeling however I would also say he was thinking he was doing it for you, so you didn't have to see him suffer the way he saw his brother suffer, you have yourself and your husband to look after and he could see you were having a hard enough time as it was so I am sure that at the time he was doing what he thought best for everyone including himself. I really am sorry that you lost him. Jess.***

[Nik-key]

Thank you Jess, your kind words mean a great deal to me. Nikki

[houghchrst]

Nikki, I am truly sorry for your loss, I hope you find some solace. I am sure nothing will ever be the same. Someone very important in your life is gone but you will continue on and you have wonderful memories and he lives on inside you. You have his strength and courage now you need to use it and even though you may be alone physically he is still there with you in spirit.

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

[Buttons2]

Nikki,I'm so sorry you have lost your father. You said you have forgiven him.....now you need to forgive yourself for not stopping him, there was nothing you could have said or done to prevent this.

He was trying to spare you pain,the long drawn out kind. He knew you already had more than your share to deal with.

He sounds like a wonderful father,and a very loving,caring brother. Please try to focus on the good times.

Suicide is always a selfish act,but each person on this planet has a right to be selfish. He lived out his life,now you must do the same.....make the best you can of everyday. Count your blessings whatever they may be. He didn't do this to hurt you,he did it to spare you.

Gentle hugs to you,Buttons

[jeansmallrose]

I am sorry I do not know your story, so forgive me if what I say is inappropriate. My dad was a very strong person. At times, one would say he was hard and perhaps devoid of emotion. He though loved us deeply and worried about us intensely, and tried to shield us from the hardships he bore in his lifetime. He was always physically strong and was blessed with good health. He taught all of his children such good life lessons of duty, honesty, the value of honest work, and thrift. However in his old age, he became frail and increasingly depressed. At the age of 84 he underwent a quadruple heart bypass to alleviate the shortness of breath and chest pain he was experiencing. Later in life he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He underwent estrogen therapy which reduced his manhood to infantile proportions. He underwent the famous TUR surgery that Reagan had had. The doctor told him that in about a year, he would require that tubes be placed in him to drain his urine as his ureters would be completely blocked. At the time he was already incontinent and demoralized. He finally decided to starve himself to death. It was extremely difficult, and took about 6 weeks to accomplish. He told me "I don't want to talk about it. A man has to do what he has to do only once in a life time." We had to get a hospital bed in his home with the strong support of my RN sister to support him and my mother in his decision, because if he had gone in a nursing home in his State, he would have been force fed. Were we selfish??? I don't think so. Was I angry with his decision? Yes, I did not want to lose him. Would I have wanted him to endure further loss of quality of life? Most decidely not. I still stuggle with these issues. I am now at a point when I question these issues for myself and my two children. Would that we all knew that we would go quickly!! Several of his children including me think we treat our pets more humanely than our loved living relatives.

[mama sue]

I am deeply sorry for your loss! Suicide is something I am recently dealing with myself and can offer you a shoulder anytime you need one. There are great folks on this site that will be here for you. I haven't visited in a while just because sometimes you have nothing to say. It can be sooooo consuming that if you do speak you will fall apart. I see by your post that has happened for you and I'm sorry.

You are right in so many ways. I didn't know your Dad, but it sounds like he loved you all so much that he just couldn't face you watching him die as your uncle did. You are also right that he had no clue what it would do to you and your family to lose him so suddenly without a chance to say good bye. The important thing to remember is the love he had for you all. He sounds like a man of great pride and tremendous love. Hang onto that dear.

Reach out here.........I know for myself that if I hadn't I would be more crushed than I am. I know how painfully each day is to go through, but just know that you are not alone!!! Many {{{HUGS}}}

[Buttons2]

Nikki, I hope you will come back & post again. This is a forum none of us want to be on! But it does help to reach out,might bring back bad memories but then WE are the survivors afterall & need all the help we can get.

People here care,we are here for you whenever you need to reach out.
HUGS Buttons

[Nik-key]

I thank you buttons, sue, jean and hough. It is just so hard. I did find another site that is more active, neuro talk.........but i haven't posted there of late either. I find I either really need to talk, or just can't talk at all. :eek:

[Buttons2]

We understand. This is not a forum anyone wants to be on afterall. You just take care of you & cherish the good memories. I'd imagine you are still in shock.

gentle HUGS Buttons

[The Dude]

I thank you buttons, sue, jean and hough. It is just so hard. I did find another site that is more active, neuro talk.........but i haven't posted there of late either. I find I either really need to talk, or just can't talk at all. :eek:We all understand believe me honey.......

You just take care and be glad your able to be amoung us :)

Peace and love.........

[Nik-key]

Thank you, I lurk here. Yes I am still in shock. It seems so sureal.
We had a service in March, but due to it being in the winter, we were not able to bury him. His final service will be on June 7th. I don't know if I can make it through another one! It seems so far away, and yet all too soon. *sigh* Nikki

[Buttons2]

You will make it through this Nikki,you have more strength than you realize. Your father is with you,he's in your memories & nothing can take that away.

Is there a support group in your area? I truly believe just being with other suicide survivor's will help you to accept the horror of what he did.

Don't expect much of yourself right now. Take all the time you need to heal.And you may never "get over it",that's like trying to read the future.

I see you live in New Hampshire,does this mean you have the "stiff upper lip" syndrome?If so please come here & vent away! Perhaps get out some pictures of your dad & let those tears flow?

Did I already suggest you write him a letter? Of course he's not here to actually read it but it could help you to get out the anger & hurt.That heavy weight pressing you down needs to be pushed aside. You have your own life to live & the last thing your father wanted was for you to suffer. He did what he felt he had to do. He loved you.It's doubtful this would have happened if he'd not just gone through the trauma of his brother's dying. He was only trying to spare you,I know this is no help right now but perhaps in the future you will feel acceptance.

You must feel very cheated right now,of all the years ahead without him here to share. He knew he had cancer,he didn't want to have you suffer through that. I've watched someone die from cancer & it's awful,just plain awful......and so degrading,no dignity at all in the end.He wanted to spare you of that.

You might send a PM to MamaSue,I think she has a link to a website in England that provides support. And when you realize her story you will be grateful yours isn't the same,like you she's a survivor.....and of much more than suicide. Everytime I feel down I compare my troubles to her's and feel grateful. Just an idea.

Take care of you & gentle <<<<hugs>>>>>
Buttons

[mama sue]

Just letting you know I care........(((HUGS)))

[texboi08]

my grandpa fuzzy face shot himself because he had stomach cancer and the docs told him he was too weak for chemo. he did it june 11, 2007. the anniversary is coming up and i dont know what i'm gonna do. it was sooooo hard to lose him because he was the one person i really related to and who related to me.

the last time i saw him, on june 1, 2007, we made a deal (see i have attempted suicide many, many times) that if i would try, he would try.

for a long time, and sometimes now even, i feel he DIDN'T try. but he hated doctors and hospitals and he didn't want to die there. my mom (it was HER dad) says he DID try and he just couldn't do it.

i have been through the anger, and the depression. in all honesty, i haven't really faced it yet. i want to say it gets easier, but i'd be lying. i have a picture of the two of us on the yellow porch swing his dad built and every time i look at it, my heart aches. i dont think we ever really get over the death of someone, much less by suicide.

[Nik-key]

Tex I am so sorry for you loss. I want to thank you all for your help and words of support. Buttons, I did write my Dad a letter, I read it at his service in March. I had never done anything like that in my life. But, I felt this overpowering need to find a way to say goodbye to him. It is among the harderst things I have ever done in my life, but I did make it, I did read it.

I knew that my mom wanted it read at the service, so I left the more personal things out. I am rewriting and rewriting a letter from my heart to my Dad that will be placed in with him before the final burial.

There is a support group here that meets once a month. They met today, I went but couldn't get out of my car :eek:

[Buttons2]

Tex,welcome to BT & I'm so sorry about your gramps. The anniversary will be hard,there's no getting around that fact. It took me over 2 yrs to have any acceptance of my BIL blowing his brains out,I felt he was more my brother than my own sibling. I finally blew up after 2 yrs & had a good old screaming/ranting fit in the woods. That seemed to get out the anger & allow me to forgive him.

Everyone has to deal with this in their own way.

Nik,you just weren't ready for the group yet. Maybe next time you can get out of the car. I know this must be very hard for you. How much longer to wait until his actual burial? That must be hard,like doing it all over again.

They say time heals all wounds,not sure I agree with that.....but life is for the living & we must go forward! Make each day count for something positive even if it's just to reach out here on BT.

I think writing letters is a good way to get out our feelings. It also helps to write here. You are not alone,other people know how you feel & will try to help.

HUGS Buttons

[Nik-key]

Again, thank you. I have read your replies but wasn't up to posting. I did however want you to know I had read them and appreciated your thoughts.

*sigh* Today is my birthday. My Dad won't call or visit as he always has.

I thought I would share a poem I recently wrote. I am having it and his photo engraved on black marble , it will serve as his foot marker at his grave. His funeral will be June 7th, the day after the date I lost my baby....


Dad,

When you left that day..
You did not go alone..
You took a piece of me with you..
The reasons left unknown.

I try so hard to understand..
Why you had to leave..
It hurts too much, I cry at night..
I will forever grieve.

No chance to say good-bye..
Words left unspoken..
I mourn for you..
Our family now feels broken.

When I visit now..
I can not help but stare..
Where once my Dad always was..
Now sits an empty chair.

Like a kaleidoscope..
Memories dance within my soul..
I can't pick up the pieces..
Never again to be whole.

I miss you Dad..
This pain, time can't erase..
I miss your Love, your hug..
That smile upon your face.

When tomorrow starts without you..
We won't be far apart..
For Every time I think of you..
Your right here in my heart.

Forever With Love, Nikki

[Buttons2]

Nikki,not too many things make me cry but your poem sure did. It's lovely & straight from the heart.

Happy birthday to you,perhaps this time next year you will find some joy in the day.

My birthday happens to be June 7th. Yet another cosmic connection eh? Also I'm sorry you lost your baby. I had a miscarriage many many years ago & was shocked over the grief I felt.

I hope you have enough going on in your life to keep you busy so you're not dwelling too much on the pain right now. My replies are simply words,I wish I could actually give you a hug & a shoulder to cry on..........and I'm hoping you do have support from family & friends.

Take care & thanks for sharing the poem,Pati

[Nik-key]

Pati, I am sorry for your loss :( I lost two to miscarriage and it hurt terribly. You mourn for all that could have, should have been.

Thank you for reading my poem to Dad, though I am sorry it made you cry.
The others are too personal to share. I wrote this the other night on a napkin during a break down period. It just poured out. It was more short and to the point than the others I have written, making it perfect for his footstone.

I am going to wish you an advanced Happy Birthday, as I am sure I will not be able to that day. Maybe this time next year ...

Your replies may be "simply words", but they mean a great deal to me, and I can't thank you enough for reaching out. If ever you need to talk, please visit NT and share with us there.

[mama sue]

(((Nikki)))
Your poem touched me deeply. I too write poems and songs although haven't done that since Bob died. I can feel the love for your Dad and I know that he can and always will. You have known a great deal of pain and I'm sorry for that. I will always be here if you need someone to talk with. Sounds like you and Pati have a great deal in common. You have a found a great friend in her. May you both know you are in my heart. Take care........

[Buttons2]

Mama sue,I was thinking of you yesterday. I hope you're going forward & have something to look forward to!

Nik,I also thought of you yesterday & how very dreadful you have to wait for the burial.

I was reading a fiction book about a couple that committed suicide together,they had lost a son 40yrs before & wasted their entire lives in grief,they had 2 daughter's they basically ignored- because they couldn't bear to let themselves love anyone again. This was just a story,but it made a good point how life must go on,to live for each day & don't be afraid to love again.

((((((hugs to both of you))))))
Pati

[Nik-key]

Thank you Sue and Pati.............

Just so hard. I know Dad wouldn't want me "wasting" my life in grief.
I will try very hard not to dishonor his pain that way. I need to get this service over, and then perhaps I will start to heal.
Again, thank you both for reaching out...it is somehow a comfort knowing one is not alone in this type of pain :(

[Buttons2]

Nikki,you're doing the best you can do at this time. Of course it's hard,it's very,very hard I'm sure. But you will be OK. June 7th will be just one of the worse hurdles. There will be more to come,you're a survivor......you have the strength to deal with the grief & live your life so you're not wasting it.Give yourself alot of time,don't try to push the grief away,just don't allow it to control you.

(((((hugs)))))

[Nik-key]

Thank you buttons. His service is a week from today. Part of me wants to leave town so I don't have to try and deal with it all over again, the other part knows I need to go so I can get some closure.

He was cremated ....My family asked if I would like to be the one to place him in his final resting place. I decided I would do him that honor. So before the service a couple of siblings and I are going to dig the hole and set him to peace. My mom just can't handle it, she wants everything done before the service.

I got the marble plaque I had made with my poem engraved on it. It is more beautiful than I imagined. I will place that as well. I think it will all help in the grieving, therefor the healing.

Thanks again, Nikki

[Madison729]

I am new here. My friend's husband died from a self inflicted gunshot wound. The 1 yr anniverary is approaching.... I don't know what to do

[Stetson]

My mother died from a drug overdose when I was 23.She had chronic pain from a broken back that didn't heal right.Plus she suffer from migraine headaches ! The last words she said to me were I want to die the day before she did it! It was very painful for years but
how many times can you knock down a door and pick up a parent who's floating face first in tub with a death wish.She was just 44 and what my family went through with the
comments from cruel people who had NO idea WHAT TYPE OF PAIN POOR WOMEN was enduring 24 hours a day!!I now have an understanding of what she went through and I
forgiven her many years ago!

[Buttons2]

Nikki,the plaque sounds beautiful. You'll do fine at the service,once it's over then your mother will have to carry on as best she can. I'm thinking your family is close & that is a Godsend. One thing I've learned: best to get out the anger,bitterness & sadness,holding it inside will just let it fester. Alot of blame game stuff can go on within a family after a suicide. I think everyone has some measure of guilt to deal with,I know I did for several years.

Madison,welcome to BT. Sorry you had this thread for your first post. Hopefully you will join in on other threads that aren't quite as depressing as this one. As for your friend & the 1st anniversary,let her know you have not forgotten & you are thinking of her. Offer to listen if she wants to talk. You might be surprised how this day will have it all come back to her just like it had happened yesterday. As the years go by the pain will lessen but it never really goes away. Suicide leaves us feeling cheated & angry.

Stetson,I believe forgiveness is the first step to healing. Sounds like you've reached the stage of acceptance. I'm very sorry to think you found your mother like that.

For all of you: I attempted suicide twice when I was 20yrs old and pregnant with my second son. That was many years ago,but I want you to know it was a time when I felt I really had no reason to live,I was in an abusive relationship & far from any family or friends,God intervened or I wouldn't be here nor would my son. When a person has reached the bottom & sees no future they simply give in to the total despair. None of us can see into the future. Whether it's terminal cancer,horrid daily pain,a dire situation,whatever.......I urge all of you to let go of any guilt you might feel & let the anger out. Don't second guess,don't ask why you didn't see this coming. Don't think for one minute that you could have prevented it from happening. Most people do have a plan,and they keep this to themselves.

Hope some of this makes sense & will help someone somewhere on this planet we all share.

((((HUGS to all of you)))))
Buttons

[Nik-key]

Buttons, thank you for your willingness to open up and share...it couldn't have been easy. A member in another SOS support group said " when one takes their life, we have to try to understand that all rational thought has left them. " That has really stuck with me. It HAS to be true as a rational mind wouldn't take their life. One may get deeply depressed, or very sick, one may think about it, but it isn't until ...as he said... all rational thought has left them that they do the desperate act.

The guilt will take some time. I do not blame myself. But, I can't help but wonder how none of us had any idea what he was thinking about. How I didn't know. I think every day, had I known, I could have stopped him.
But, he didn't want to be stopped, or he would have told us. I need to learn to accept that though this is ripping my heart out...this was his choice, and his choice alone. In time, I hope to come to terms with that, respect and honor his decision.

I am planning his service, it is this Saturday, it is healing somehow.
I have been searching for a token, something to give my Moms and siblings after the service.
I came across the Reunion Heart. It touched me. I made little gift bags with the heart, a laminated card of the poem, and a packet of forget me not seeds.

In case you haven’t read the poem, I thought I would share it here…..

The Reunion Heart..

Since Heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone;
and though we now are far apart
you hold a big piece of my heart.

I never knew how much I'd grieve
when it was time for you to leave,
or just how much my heart would ache
from that one fragment you would take.

God lets this tender hole remain
reminding me we'll meet again,
and one day all the pain will cease
when He restores this missing piece

He'll turn to joy my every tear
with thoughts of you I hold so dear
and they'll become my special way
to treasure our Reunion Day.

[Buttons2]

Nikki,another beautiful poem. And with you being in control of the service I know it will be a beautiful one.

You mentioned how could YOU not have known? Well dear when someone is planning suicide they make certain NO one suspects!! Anyone can plaster a smile on their face afterall.

I've been active on this thread because of my brother-in-law. I was one of the last people to speak with him before he died. I was completely shocked & felt tremendous guilt for a long time. And I was very angry.....how could he do this to my sister? How could he leave his precious little girl & beautiful young son? Why didn't he ask for help? Why didn't I see it coming?

The other day my sister told me her daughter is now on Zoloft & getting therapy. It's been over 20 yrs & she's just NOW getting help dealing with her father's suicide & other issues. Better late than never,but here's what got me: sis asked why he did it? he had a new home,good job,new truck,beautiful kids,etc. I told her NOTHING matters when you are that depressed,you are not capable of considering the people who love/need you. And she had better be supportive to her daughter & make every effort to understand!

Well,this isn't about me or my family.....but perhaps something I write will sink in to those suffering.

I'll be thinking of you Saturday Nikki. And to the other's here,please keep replying if you feel the need.

(((((hugs to all))))